AYO!

Okay, sadly the entry I previously wrote got deleted by accident on my blackberry, soooo I'll do a bunch of writing next year (pun intended). I wish every a safe, very safe but intoxicated new year. Seriously! 2010 should be amazing if you guys let it be. For real. To everyone who has helped me this year and everything else, I love you guys and thank you very much. I've made soooo much progress and have been able to live a more complete, less sad and vengeful life. I wish everyone the best!

Bye to a productive, wonderful, yet slippery 2009 and welcome the new year, a new decade, and sooo much more.

:)

Jam out!

Recommendation Part 10: Get Your Dose of Normalcy and V5!

Here's the link:http://www.mediafire.com/?ntynj3rjjzm
*If the link doesn't work, visit datpiff.com or 2dopeboyz.com or whereischarleshamilton.com

This cd is Charles Hamilton at his finest, so i've read, not officially heard, but from the leaks it sounds like the old Charles mixed in with some new shit. I'm actually listening to it while i type but it takes me time to digest music. Anywho, my man (pause) is back, so please try and fuck with it. I've promoted Charles Hamilton o.d. on this site and i will continue regardless of any shananigans because he's dope. Wierd but being NORMAL is never in, ya dig. Plus Charles's music has helped influence my music and helped me get through tough situations that i dealt with last year.


Link:http://www.mediafire.com/?fy0nxig2nzr
New banks!!! Wooo man you already know. I love Lloyd Banks as a rapper but he's not very versatile. He's definitely improved and is showing his growth as an artist. Doing shit without 50 or any features really. Banks holds his own as the punchline king aka PLK. If you want dope music, i always recommend Banks. Although i can't listen to him to much, he's definitely influence my metaphors as well and from what i've heard this is dopest mixtape yet. So roll up a blunt and roll with it!

Special Bonus:

http://usershare.net/jhrfvrdz6qv8
As i special bonus, i added the homie B/A aka Bagdad aka Hansommanson. This dude right here is pretty talented and is a friend/associate of Charles Hamilton. I talk to him on twitter, he's a Harlem Representative, and hopefully i can do a couple tracks with him and put him on my mixtape. This was one of the surprise features i'm working on but i just need the DOPIUM MUSIC. So download the homie B/A too.

Recommendation Part 9: Two and a Half Men

This show is hilarious. I know it is still on air BUT i'm not sure when it comes on. Another show that just came out that i WANT to see but HAVENT is "Men of a certain age" with Ray Romano -looks cool. Anyway, everynight at 11, when i can, i watch the show on channel 11. The chemistry between the three main protagonists works really well and i wish the show even more longevity than it has already displayed (All 6 seasons are on dvd, i own 3-6 :))

Anyway, if you aren't already on the show, change the channel and GET ON!

that's all. lol :)

P.S. I hope Charlie Sheen didn't choke his wife and that things get worked out.

The 2 Minute Entry

Hey yall,

I'm writing this with two minutes so pardon the length and possible errors.

I'm on my way to school. About an hour late to practice because I was counting on this guy to give me a ride and he didn't sooo I was stuck taking the LIRR and and the Q train. I'm half sleep BUT ready to bust that ass. After today, things are going to change up a little in a positive way, trust me. I'm a start killing these niggaz lol. In everything.

And just to let yall know this is what I got for christmas...let me know what you guys got.

Two and a half men season 5 and 6

Pulp Fiction

Super Mario Bros. The movie

Double Dragon

20 best buy gift card

120 dollars in cok-coke cash

Fight Club

Air-Drift Nike Socks

2 pair of gloves to match my peacoats

And I treated myself to buying the young money cd :)

Talk to you guys sooooon

Merry Christmas Everyone

Hey yall,

I was going to write a merry christmas eve entry but just didn't. I really hope everyone got to cherish the time with their family and got at least ONE thing they wanted. I can't complain in that department. Definitely realized christmas presents go down as my age grows up but it's okay. I'm learning to come to grips with it.

Just a very wierd christmas. I got my aunt's house a little before 12 so I at least got to say and be there before 12 like old times. Like I use to spend christmas...and I was surprised my grandmother sent me a gift and of course my grandfather with infedility did not. It's cool though I just hope he's okay cause I love him and miss him as I do my grandmother.

All day though I was just thinking, listening to music, on the computer, half asleep, arguing, figuring out complicated situations, or just laying down. I'm keeping positive though. I also received 3 of my grades, an A, B-, and C. Not really good.

Yea so today was very strange. I almost cried because my grandfather had this wierd somber reaction to this present I bought him. He's getting surgery for a possibly cancerous tumor. I didn't see my father or little siblings. Also barely saw my little sister(s). I don't know just been a VERY wierd christmas.

Hopefully this won't be how it always will be. I gotta wake up and go to work at 8 so goodnight yall.

I will keep my smile and update tomorrow and let u guys KNOW what really happens.

#TheCountDown

1 essay down, 2 more to go
2 days until Christmas
8days until the new decade/year
3months until I'm officially not a teen no more
2 months until a fake I.D. Hopefully
And that's all I can really think of as of right now.

I'm just happy to ALMOST be done. Just two more, TWO MORE. And I'm fucking HOME FREE and best believe I'm sprinting that motherfucker out.

On a random note #blackberry had a blackout of somesort where BBM and the internet wasn't working BUT I'm glad they fixed it.

On to the next one!

Forever (Jam) Young

I still personally like the name "Jam Young" but i was thinking...would just using my real name be better. I'm still debating but for now it stands.

I'm posting this video, probably because it just came out, i know a lot of you guys will like it, and because my ex-bf Marc, said this to me about it... (i'm paraphrasing of course).

"And by the way, Forever Young should have been your song"

So wait until i get my hands on the instrumental :) Thanks Marc

My Grandfather called me a Taxi

Hello everyone,

This morning, about ten minutes ago when I was eating breakfast, I was getting told/lectured about my bad habits, sleeping specificially and this is when my grandfather dubbed me a taxi. It was a great metaphor and I got it right away. I'm like a taxi because even when I stop I'm on the go. And he's totally write. I have SOME structure in my life BUT for the most part it's choas. I'm late to everything that's not that important to me. I don't have my priorities or head on straight. And I'm constantly told, nagged, and get into arguments because people don't want to see me in this sorry, sorry state that I'm in.

In hov's words, it was all good just a week ago.

7 essays. 4 done. Well at least I'm over 50 percent. But that doesn't say much. Especially since the last 3 are like my final. I much have rather taken a test n wrote essays on the spot then worry about structure, grammer and research. A test you can find a way to bullshit for, an essay, even if you slightly plagerize, is all you. Can't depend on ANYBODY to write your thoughts, your feelings.

So I have 9 more pages to go...for south park and at minimum another 4 combined between my anthro papers. And it just seems never ending because I got lazy, uninspired and retarded. It hurts me way more than it hurts you. And this is college. It really is. And I fucked up. I really did.
so hopefully once I get this essays done my life will be better. I'm more determined than ever to fix this shit, this thing I call my life. Music wise. Basketball wise. Girls wise. But more importantly school wise. I front like I totally hate school. I do because I'm lazy not because I actually hate it. So if history reigns true, next semester should be at least a 3.5. No if and or but's about it.

I just gotta do it

Don't Judge Me...

WELL EXXXXXXXCCCCCCUUUUSSSSSEEEEE THE SHIT OUT OF ME


3 Quick Things:
Don't let this hurt my integrity but the two photos above...OMG!
The things i would learn to do for these women. The things i would do to these women. AND the things i will DO to these pictures. I don't like to get into details BUT i never really feel this way about pictures but holy shit. Something about them... idk. I'm mainly speaking about the one with the apple but i posted both because they both do the same thing.

That was basically the first two things...so don't judge me for being a guy. A young extravegent guy at that lol.

3rd is, the fact i took time out to do this entry when i'm not done with my essays. And i think it's finally happend. After 19 years i finally realized that i can't do things last minute anymore and i realized that certain people, you just can't count on. I guess that's life....

That's all folks (stutter, porky the pig voice)

One WHOLE motherFUCKING YeaR!

Over 300 entries later.
30 songs recorded.
Championship season.
Later and so much more.

Here it is. A year ago on december 19th, I discovered how to create a blog. I don't want to take credit for other poeple starting a blog BUT many people took a liking to it and I tried with the help of Julian and others to influence other peers to create one. Many of them have not continued to write but at least i/they tried. I have to thank Mr.Hamilton, who doesn't have a blogspot anymore after 2 years and a bunch of torment later BUT if it wasn't for him, I probably wouldn't have discovered as much as I have about networking and about BLOGGING.

Anyway, I'm am proud AS fuck to say that I have made it a year with this bad boy. It means a lot to me and as I write this late to work and in the freezing cold, I appreciate all my readeers, followers, and blpogspot who has become one of my closest friends and outlet to write in. I can't be in the studio everyday yet, can't go to therapy everyday but if I ever needed to vent, I had this blog. And so we continue...

I'm just finishing this blog entry because there was a fucking hurricane at work. Seriously, shit was type wild. Not as bad as black friday but pretty bad. My eyes hurt, which makes me squint. Anyway, I'm not going to do anything special maybe I'll release a freestyle or something when I get home. I got mad joints that are waiting in the wing that I probably won't use. I don't know. Just feel kind of depressed, sad, not really lonely but definitely a bit of just something. I guess in need of family and when you have one girl constantly on your mind, you want her to be there. And as a side note maybe that's why I get angry or just don't want her around when I see her. It's not like I intentionally go see her, it's complicated as everything in life is. I'm just saying it's been over a year and I wish I could get over it. A part of me really wants to when I get so sad about shit like that.

Anyway, back to what I was saying. Right now it's snowing beautifully. I miss the snow. It always reminds me of being a kid. Snow is like god's gift to new york during the holiday season. It's wild and in a positive way. I know that in growing up christmas kind of detetorates. I'm definitely feeling that BUT it's also because I have no family togetherness. MY sister received a 400 dollar ipod for christmas and my aunt just gave it to her, like christmas doesn't exist. What happend to the excitement of waiting up until 12, begging your parents to open presents before hand and they told you to wait. What about the fact that all the grown ups surround you with cameras and smiles and wanted to see how light up your face got when you found out they had gotten you what you've been wanting for so long. What happend to christmas being Christmas? I wish I knew. Like I really wish I knew. I almost want to cry thinking about it. Christmas hasn't been the same since my mom left new york. That's all. Now she's in Florida, my dad is stuck in his own world, with his new children and his "wife," my grandparents on my mom's side are in ecuador, everybody's poor, my grandparents that I rarely live with don't even ask me what I want, and my two sisters and I are all in different locations. So I'm sorry for the complaining, I just remember when things were complicated, not dramatic, sad, and drawn out. Whatever. I have no right to complain because I have it better than others. I just remember a time when it was so much more, simple.

I also plan on buying some gifts, just don't know what. Might get my sister a cd, my other little sis some money. My grandfather a cd player, my grandma a book, my aunt, no clue, and a couple of my friends...if not just one or two special people. I don't even have anyone to exchange gifts with. Like I said whatever.

Right now it's one something and a family is going outside with their kids to observe and enjoy the snow. Reminds me of when I made my first snow man with my dad. We worked so hard on it and right in front of this exact building. We forgot the camera so we went to go get it and by the time we came back some fucking punk knocked it down. :/

God I really need my therapist. It's been about a month since I've seen her and I have so much to talk about. I guess I gotta organize and break it down BUT I gotta finish my essays first. Boy do I have a LONG day ahead of me tomorrow, some how I gotta figure it out. Some how. I haven't been strong anough lately to finish shit but hopefully I do. And don't lose like a bazillion points on my essay. Yea I'm fucked. I'm really fucked a matter fact but whatever, I guess.

So much to say. But I think I've said enough. So let's bring back the positive stuff I was first talking about it. I've made a lot of improvements in various areas that no one ever notices BUT as long as I noticed that's what matters. Although I'm confused and have all these feelings, I'm really not that bad off, seriously. This may be one of the best times in my life so far and yet so many things are out of place. It's okay though because I'm making strides and I HOPE all of you will. And maybe next year this time, this will be a little more different, and way better. Way better. Happy holidays for real. Thank you for reading. :)

1 whole year! I think I need some sangria. Haha.

Night yall

FRINGE INDIE MAGAZINE: First EVER Jam Young Interview INSIDE

FRINGE INDIE MAGAZINE


This is my first ever interview and my first publication concerning my rap career besides in high school. I'm hoping for a lot more things to come. If you guys can check it out, it would be well appreciated. FOR REAL.

Thank you Audrey Allure :)
and Shout out to Julian for splitting the article with me.

P.S. it's on page 8
P.P.S. Add a computer hardrive to my christmas list lol
P.P.P.S for the lazy people, i got the article on my page. GANGSTA!
Now back to work...

2 Poems I Created In September During Some of My Classes

Drawing Board:

No chargein my phone
while my blackberry is on the IV
6 hours of sleep, so i feel like dying
tear drops held back, but can be seen on my sleeves
mute in the silence, somebody help please...
Fuck life

WANT.Act.COME To Me.

Touch.
Feeling. Spark.
Heat, Frozen Time.
Still.
Painting, Wonderful
Bloss, of bright colors in a dark room.
Connection...
Connection...
I need you, I really need you and love you so much/ for this moment.
Rush. Speed.
heat, Frozen Time,
Still, continous.
Life it up, pick you up
sweet but rough, scream for me.
Tell me what you want, how can i please you, how can i peel you back, dig deep
with my hands or with my pistol, my secret weapon
I Just Need
One Shot
Maybe two or three, but i want to thrust and make you sweat.
Make you clinch, bring out your desire, make you soak.
Extra wet.
The degrees of fire, reign, wind, Earth, temperature, rise, but
We
Are
One.
Again, jsut for the night, i grab you, squeeze you
Sylvia spewed, drops of it on your mountains, on your small fruit
but way more on my gun from god, that helps create
Forth and back, swolen, but keep it going
CLoser... than ever... before
Sweet, texture, but rough, ruff, lose your voice for me.
Make me work, sweatshop, drops, position, light.
on and off
Heat, Frozen Time,
Still, Continous, until

I Think It Is Time...

To make a christmas list. A list off the top of my head that I would want, so here it goes...

Ipod (with more than 16gb) & 2 big nice sony black headphones
Ps3 system
Notebook laptop 4 school
Laptop to replace my broken one
Big speakers (for my studio)
Mic stand (for my studio)
A Northface jacket (not the big ones, but the nice looking, zipper ones, that keep you warm).
Alicia Keyes & Eminem Refill Cd (and throw in that We are Young Money too)
3 different pair of earrings
Some Air-drift Nike Socks
Some Money (100)
Pair of forest green converse
Duck Umbrellas (that I use to have as a kid)
Spike Gel
And...
I think that's it. As of right now at least.
I know I probably won't even get one-fourth of what is on the list but fuck it.

Just makes me feel good to right it down and at least people know. :)

Oh and my cingular number back with the IPHONE would be a nice treat too lmao.

Later.

Mood Ring Part 15: I'm Good...If You Think About Me

These two songs are dope as fuck. The 2nd video is better. I've wanted to do this mood ring for a WHILE now, so i thought i get it out of the way too before i go to sleep.

NEWWWWW MUUUUSSSSIIIICCCC on the WAYYYYYYY i promise.
Night yall.

Quick Post

What's good guys. My eyes are starting to hurt. Been up procrastinating on my work. So sad. I feel like a dissappointment even though in other areas i'm gaining a little confidence and what not. Tomorrow night i'm going to the studio after i go to RFK, for the fourth time this week. Crazy, I KNOW. I hope i'm not a loser. I just inspire people in the building and that inspires me. It's like a reminder of what i was and what i can be it's strange. Today i practiced with the boys and i thought it was a better practice and more productive then the one on monday. I got stronger (thanks Mulstay) and showed these young boys HOW it's done. :) yes i'm a big boy now lol.

I also ended up staying for the girls game. Didn't plan to stay for the whole thing but kinda glad i did. I saw an old friend of mine, who just so happens to be the coach. She did a terrific job and so did the girls. I think a couple of them took my advice AND hers and definitely did much better, which is a PLUS. Made me feel OLD and SMART... so this is what it feels like to get older lol. I don't want to be 20 yet, so let me just enjoy the rest of 2009, while i still can.

FYI i have off this week but have some MAJOR work to do. OH god please give me the strength to get it done. Today was my work day and i didn't do shit. FUCK. i'm getting fustrated again and after all the positive.

Just wanna say let's go trev and let's go me for the music session. I GOT to post up my article that was published on an online paper. I'll explain later. Hope people are still reading this and checking up on me. It's always well appreciated. TRUST ME.

Later

The story of my Life

Howdy yall,

Time management is not my strong point. I just missed the LIRR @ 3:05 to my school so I'll probably get there, if I'm lucky a few minutes before game time. Anywho, been crazy long good strange days that have passed. School is over. Just took my final and I'm praying for an 80, well in the 80's. Who knows luck has been on my side of late. Well as an overview of what has happend over the last couple weeks or so...

The List:
Bball team is 5-3. We have won 3 straight. 2 this week, and our first home game on saturday.

Pardon my language but I got wasted on friday night with a bunch of my friends. Got my boy john the chris brown cd, a card, and a bottle.

Thursday was a friends bday. This other girl I'm friends with bought her like over 20 balloons for her bday.

Me and DV chilled for a bit. Ate food, talked shit.

Yesterday I practiced with my highschool and hung out with old teachers. It was fun. Always good to know that I can do that. :) eventhough RFK has changed and I don't recognize many faces but that's life, right?

What else, what else? Ohhh. My therapy sessions on saturday have been cancelled and truthfully it's a big bummer for me. Now I'm going to have alternating tuesdays for therapy sessions. Wooo hooo. Not. But at least I still have her, right :)

I can't think very much right now. I'm about to take a 20 minute nap on the LIRR. But at least u know what's been going on somewhat. I'm praying I finish my essays and get some music done.

Pray for me and my essay. I need it :(

Hope everyone has been enjoying their december. Can't lie. It's been a pretty decent month. Let's make it even better.

Later

Exclusive

http://usershare.net/YouHeardThatNew/asdawqme4eld
DOWNLOAD ASAP!!! Lil Wayne ft. Eminem- Drop the world Collabo

It's crazy man. I heard the song twice, i don't have a computer so i can't add any new music onto my ipod (FML lol). Just as a side note: when i say fuck life or fuck my life, i don't actually mean it. It's more like fuck this situation. It's wack and retarded. That clear things up. i hope so.

Now before i end this entry i MUST say LIL WAYNE, i have a marketing scheme for you. Well it's not really a marketing ploy as it is just advice of what i think the album, REBIRTH, could sound like or potientially be in order to get people excited. so if you care to know what it is, just like comment on my blog. lol. I'm dead serious. If you somehow come across this though, just MAKE A VIDEO FOR THE SONG above AND you might see some hype starting. To quote Jae Millz

LEGOOOOOO!

She kept going like ecetra...

Hey wassup yall, last couple days I been just exhausted. I'm nervous as fuck as this is the last week of classes and then finals. Feel like I'm going to do horrific. Makes me very edgy. Just got subway, hope that shit sis poppin meaning it hits the spot. I wrote or edited a dope song I've had waiting in the wing. It's my ode part 2 with a chorus same sample and was produced by charles hamilton's friend/producer for another artist. Just wanna make sure it's dope. Nah mean? Lol. Gunna have a feature on it too.

Anyway, I just needed to express the anxiety I feel just walking around. It's like not cool (white girl voice). I hope everypone had a good weekend. I did although I got no school work done. I hope I change next semester need that 3.0.

I'll write again.

Let's Talk Music

Alright, wassup yall.
I know the first decemeber entry is over due, for those who still read my blog (thank you :)) but let's start it right. The 19th will be the first OFFICAL year of this blog, which i'm proud to say. One hell of a year, lol. Crazy but yea. I actually have a game in a few but i decided to provide you guys with some new music i've blessed my ears with.

1)Jared Evans is a singer/rapper who is signed to interscope. People like him, i have a wierd opinion on him because i'm not sure what to think of him yet. BUT this song above is hot, like real hot. i would've liked a 3rd verse but enjoy it.

2)Miley Cyrus. I'm not gunna front, i'd probably pipe. lol. But on the real that song is crazy. It really boosts my mood. I deadass listened to it 3 times already today. Call me a loser but Miley's got a fucking hit.

3)50cent's new single that in my opinon, with a known singer, and a few little add-ons here and there could've been even crazier than what it is right now. Just my opinion on it. BUT the reason i'm posting it is because he actually talks about his baby mama and shows a sort of humility he hasn't shown in a while. I feel like that's when an artist is at their best therefore this is one of the better tracks on the album.

DIG IT!

Just as a sidenote i am continously writing. I still haven't found the niche or correct time but whatever. Aslong as the process is coming along. If i have off this sunday from work (cross fingers) best believe i'm trying to get into that booth one way or another. I got some tricks up my sleeve. Once i get certain beats, producers, confirmations, and other artists that i hope to work with, my mixtape will certainly be a topic of discussion (at least in my circle) in hopefully places i thought it would never go. But if i am unsuccessful in my goals, that will not stop me because this is just the first step.

Last thing: Shouts to Hannibal King, appreciate the talk, the advice, and the future help on this project...

Title: TBA
Still a possibility:
"Most Likely II Succeed"
"A Reason 2 Believe: The Mixtape"
"90's Baby"
"INK: Industry's New Killer"

i'm All Fucked Up

Okay let's try this again lol. Hey yall, (entry please don't disseaper again)
I hope everyone had a good weekend. I'm in anthropology watching a movie, a little horny, tired, and just kind of whatever. I got a lot to update you guys on. Like a LOT, A lot.

Where do I start? Let's start with the title, I can't believe it's the end of november already. Like for real? The end of november. I can't believe this shit. And here we are like 4 months into school and I'm still all fucked up. Tired. Lazy. Compeltely sleepy. Part of it is my fault but the other part I don't know. I don't have the inspiration or the desire I guess to do any work. I've been lazy and I've been late BUT never like this. Never with this much lateness, carlessness. It's quite ridiculous and it's gunna hurt me and my GPA. Unless somehow I can pull of a miracle. Who knows I might but still I don't want to pull off some late minute shaninagins, I need to be consistantly good. And care. There was NO better feeling than getting an A- in Mass Media and an A in english. Period.

Well early this month I said that november would be a really good month. And for the most part it has been. Of course there's always going to be little quaints, problems, issues but overall I have very little complaining to do. All the "issues" I've had were issues I had already in previous months that carried over. Nothing new really started there so my overall grade for november is somewhere between an 8-9. Maybe a little more a little less. Would've liked to blog more. But it's like blogging and rap are a pair, if I'm not motivated or don't have the RIGHT words to say then I won't say them. Or I'll start and lose them ya know. I have several unfinished entries that will probably stay that way. Otherwise, I got a couple things accomplished BUT I could've done it a lot better. Smh... It hurts just thinking about it and one of them I haven't finished so I'm gunna force myself to do it. Fuck.

Let me get this off my chest. I had a dream about a particular somebody and ever since then it's been on my mind like crazy. and it's bothering the living SHIT out of me. What can I do though? I think when you have feelings for someone and something like a dream pops up it retriggers those feelings, well I kind of need to get rid of them or let it transform into feelings of either friendliness or nothing. I'm tired of thinking about a questionable situation. I don't know how I feel about any of it. I can't because it's there but yet almost non-existant. It's sooooooooo far removed yet still so close. And maybe I just need to do what I've been afraid to do which is let go. Say, we can't talk anymore. Maybe that will work. The problem is that the feelings seem to be mutual, I guess...
But the difference is NOTHING will be done and in terms of accomplishing something it's only on my end and why do I wait, or think, or miss? Why do I feel that way? I just don't understand. And the mind is the most threatening thing because it brings up the past, the future, the present, jelaousy. All that. But I can't find a different approach. So even if I do choose to stop talking to this person, it's my mind that will play with me. So my battle is not with her, it's with me. But if she's out the picture than I can fight myself much easier. Get it? I don't know. And for once I think it's a mutual distance. Which is extremely strange. Like extrememly, extrememly strange but that's life, right? Ugh.
if anybody has advice, please spread some wisdom unless it's you, and you know who you are...anonomyous.

Okay wooo. Now that THAT is over, in terms of this entry we'll talk about one other wierd thing that happen. And I will hopefully conjure up the will to write more. My boy, in between acquaintance and friend, Marc, who I always refer to as my ex best friend, called me before he called anybody in order to tell me about his problems and issues with his gf. He kind of irrationally broke up with her and was telling me, explaining why. It was beautiful. The concept of being needed and looked to to talk. Guy talk. Every guy needs another guy to listen but that doesn't always happen. So we had a lot of good convo. Problem was after that everything went back to normal after that. So I kinda felt/ feel used but it's better than nothing, right?

Ends entry abruptly...

Happy Thanksgiving Part 1

Happy Thanksgiving yall and as a gift, i said fuck it. Also a thanks to Leslie who wanted NEW MUSIC...

Jam Young- I Stay Fly Freestyle
http://www.mediafire.com/?jxqoofkndyy
Charles Hamilton- Charles Hamilton is Back
http://usershare.net/2DopeBoyz/oo8uzghbavuj
Lupe Fiasco (new mixtape) Enemy of the State: A Love Story
http://usershare.net/2DopeBoyz/1yi67nb1kwsv

302: Sunday Night Live Fever

Hey yall, it's about to be 11 o clock and I am NOT home yet. Suck ass. But whatever. Who am I to complain. The second game of our road trip was very thrilling BUT not the way it was suppose to end or be. Brooklyn College lost 97-89. Yea. Bad defense and plenty of second chance opportunities stretched this game to where the other team nearly dropped a hundred points on us. Needless to say as a team in 2 games we're averaging 99.5 points. Yea.

I thought this season woiuld be a little different in terms of what we came to accomplish and I can't blame it on one game so hopefully it transcends, picks up, and brooklyn college becomes a nationally ranked team with at least 2 championships. God knows we would love to win the NCAA tournament but first we have to get there.

Anyway, through politics, lack of everything, basketball minutes, being a sophmore, I totally understand the loss of passion and the feel of just being bothered and shit. People fuck with me a lot and I do a lot of dumb shit sometimes on the court and it just drains you, drains me as a person. Now the positive is that I'm on the team but I don't feel good. I had one great practice and one decent practice which is an upgrade to my non-exsitant practices. But now that the season begins I sit back on the bench and I'm a team playrt. I root for my teammates and understand completely why I'm not playing. I'm trying to make it work with this team but what if this team isn't where I'm suppose to get my spot? Sometimes the future and everything u thought of doesn't look too optimistic. It's rough. I kinda some idealizing with bball and became a realist which is the worse thing in my mind. Realist obtain what they think is possible, idealists reach for what is not possible and make it possible. And that's how I would write my life, a million times over, even if I suck.

There's just so many battles I have to fight right now. It's hectic. Like real hectic. And maybe it's time management or me dying inside because I don't know what the fuck is going on, can't take control of it, and don't know what's right/wrong and what I want done.

I remember plans never go according to plan. That's the closest to the truth that I can get. But life is like a deck a cards either u fold or keep playing your hand and I won't stop playing.

By the way this week is thanksgiving and next month will be my first official year in blogging. Something I think I tried to get a lot of people into but it tends to die out. I see why. In new york the world is soooo fast pace and with all the things people balance these days I totally understand the lack of blog entries. But to me I try to stay constant with everything, balance everything. I also have an agenda and a dream to accomplish. Part of that dream starts here. This blog is my extra therapy session, for free, and with no limitations. No apologies. No left out emotion.
....

I'm finally waiting for the bus. It's freezing. And a ten page paper is due on wenesday. Dear god...
Pray for me please.
Talk to you guys soon. Hope you like the new layout.

....
Rebirth of my life will lead to the changes that are necessary to make my life better. The revolution has begun.

301: Mood Ring Part 14

tyga is an artist who is a year older than me and who has developed in an extremely quick pace since his first album. It's songs like this i envy, love, and wish/hope i can/will write in the near future. Just enjoy it.

299: Words from a broken heart...

"Is it better to have done and lost or not have it at all"

I know I didn't quote that correctly but I remember jay-z using that before in a freestyle and then later on a song and that is a crazy difficult question. Like wow, would u rather feel love and have a broken heart fro it or never know what it feels like to be "in love?"

Interesting huh? Or no? I think it is, personally. Otherwise I wouldn't be blogging about it, right? Duhh lol.

I just haven't been feeling right, every once in a while. i get these nostalgia feelings and thoughts that pop up relatively randomly. It all reminds me of a poem. A poem, which is incomplete, already written and yet not finished. When i originally started this entry i wanted to express those feelings. Those feeling that needed to be expressed not surpressed. To let you know, i feel for you, i feel for me, and i know you know that we both kinda know what being is love might, will, and does feel like.

Everything is in direct.

That is your key and clue. Accept it. Figure it out. Riddle. It's almost as this entry is poetic in a sense but doesn't make much sense to the reader. I just wanted to say the after relationship love... or the lack there of, is a complicated thing. especially when your ideas and ideals have, to a certain extent, been revealed and exposed, infaltrated.

It's the smell, the scent, the kiss, the softness of thy lips, the smoothness of thy tounge, and the concept that without a word spoken, the eyes tell a hundred sentences and well, your body, tells me what it yearns for. But the heart is a complicated thing, so complex it fucks with the mind.

It's the morning look, of hunger, desire, or the get away from me, you fucked up my sleep. The night turnings, the bathroom breaks, the paranoia of gaining well earned sleep. fucked up and placed blame onto another human being. love. it really is picnics in the park, walks by the dock, sushi outside, with your soft, glazed hair blowing in the wind as if a slow motion movie scene.

It is old, young, fire, pain, and the need for each other. The spark to argeeing and disagreeing. it is paint, splashed all over brand new tiles in the kitchen, as a roach dies by the spray which has been invented. it is vanity, confusion, complacency, but the fact that you and i know, there is nothing like this, better or worse. is this where you want to be? the path you would like to lead?

every sip of sin, in the bedroom when you scream or on the wine glass you hold so evidently tight. with lipstick or chapstick smeared on the tip. the edge of happiness. tilts like a scale. drama. melancholy. confusion.

would i ever like to love again? maybe. or do i wish to hold the one i have loved? maybe. it's this reluctancy to use logic over feelings that brings me to my knees and causes chaos in the body.

i have no answers. nor questions. just w0rds...

jus words

Seriously...

What the fuck is wrong with me. Seriously...

Like I don't understand. I just don't at all and maybe that's why I've been exhausted and mentally strained. Like basketball and music my gift and my curse. Or maybe it's my confidence and insecurity. I don't know what the fuck it is. Cause even when I feel good before practice, during and after I feel so upset n dissappointed. What the hell do I do?

It's like a math problem, that's simple but I can't figure it out. It's something. When I step on to that court, with those players I'm like a zombie, I'm powerless, I'm just sucky. My potential and my skill and whatever talent I have goes out the window. My intelligence is gone. And now that everyone else is better it's like I continue to being the worst, like absolutely the worst. I mean I like being put into these situations where I struggle but what else can I do?

In music, it's this flow, this aggression, my bars. I'm fucking good in basketball and music. Music more but I feel both I suck at to people. People have seen my potiential only sometimes and it hurts a lot. But I'm like watching myself fuck up and can't do shit. Even when I'm getting better OUTSIDE of the brooklyn college gym when I step on, it just sucks. Today Ty gave me some encouragement which I really appreciated. Seriously I need, like need stuff like that. I don't get many things like that or enough but I still should be able to do better and show I am better. That I'm good. One day GREAT.

Anyway, I just need to pray or something. Figure this stupid ass shit out. Fuck...

...

I Hope The Music Is Coming...

Self-explanatory...

Mood Ring Part 13: Wale, J.Cole, & Melanie Fiona "Beautiful Bliss"

This song is my new anthem. Both Wale's verses are on point and well J.Cole is a beast. Already one of my favorite artists with only 4 official mixtapes, and 2 like real mixtapes. He's definitely the next upcoming thing and i hope he forever keeps it real and has longevity in this crappy hip-hop industry. If i had to do a song with someone right now (besides Eminem, Kanye, and Jay-Z of course) it would definitely be him. Just take 5 minutes out of your day, turn off the lights, turn this song up and enjoy. I want a song just like this to be my first ever single. DIG IT!

"It's a beautiful day, when you feel like this"

What the hell have you been up to?

Hey yall, I guess my inconsistency has everyone the same way along with the fact that we all have lives, some busy than others but none the less all important and hopefully productive. I'm here in the computer room in my school, trying to finish a late paper. A paper I can't seem to push myself to finish. I feel like my writings fallen off a bit as well. It's a bit wierd.

I think wierd is one of my most commonly used terms and a work I use to describe many cicrumstances I encounter in life. Anywho today has been a beautiful day, mostly because of weather. Nothing really eventful has occurred but if I finish this paper within the hour then I will be ecstatic. My stomach has been upset, I guess it's all the drunk I been flushing my system with. Hopefully that will stop soon.

I weighed myself for the first time in a while and I'm back in the low 170's. Which makes me feel really good and makes me want to continue pushing until I'm back around 163. If I do that I would have lost 20pounds this year. Which would be undeniably incrediable. I plan on working out today, to keep my strength and I also hope to have a good practice. :) yay! Lol.

Nothing is really too new with me. I have my first bball game of the season this weekend in massachusetts where we wine and dine at. I'm excited. going away is always a good feeling even if for a few hours. The escape is definitely rejuvinating. Probably just what I need! This weekend was just tiring. Worked all weekend. Didn't go out saturday just laid next to my little sister and slept. Friday I had my first cup of sangria which was pretty cool and delicious I would like to say. Other than that, just a money making, not spending weekend :) relaxing n finishing my paper would've been nice.

I did have an excellent therapy session relating to love, insecurities (all of mine, which there is a lot), family issues, the purpose of therapy, and what's to come in the near future with therapy. Hopefully I can work something out but we'll see. I gotta finish this darn gosh paper so I'm just checking in. I miss everybody, especially my readers. So now I'm alive and pretty well I guess.

I just need some music in my life. :)
Talk to you guys soon.
4 more entries until 300! Tune in!

Need To Enrich Your Life? Listen to Will

Yo i swear i wish i knew jay-z, wish Will Smith was my father, and that i was dating jennifer anniston. But on some real shit, i've talked to you guys about the connection between my real father and Will Smith, so when i see Will Smith it's really wierd for me. Maybe that's why Pursuit of Happyness is like one of my favorite movies. That shit is emotional and i'm dysfunctional lol. I guess that makes sense. But for real take ten minutes out your day and watch this video. It's everything you're scared to hear and everything you don't want to do but should.

This is EXACTLY why I NEED the IPHONE in MY Life

One word: Crack

Mood Ring Part 12: Blackroc

As 2dopeboyz put it, Black keys (rock group) plus Dame Dash = Blackroc featuring 2dope artists, Mos Def and Jim Jones. Usually i don't like a lot of Jim Jones music but the vibe and his real point of view lyrics make this song real good. Check it out! It's about time i put yall on some NEW good Music.

Blakroc: Ain't Nothing Like You (Hoochie Coo) Ft. Mos Def and Jim Jones from Jonah Schwartz on Vimeo.

Bored In Class Freestyle

Beethoven when I'm flowing
Mozart of the charts,
Bach of Hip-Hop, can't stop me when I start
Cause I'm so detrimental on an instrumental,I write music that's influential, sick, influenza, the microphone contender, knockin out these pretenders, when they step to me, always in tune but I'm looney, getting carrots, bugs bunny rabbit, verstyle with my styles, I can take your bitch with just a smile, it's a wrap

Doe ra me fi so, spit fast or spit it slow, hit it fast, then get the doe, love pussy and money but love the game more, to the point I'll fuck it raw, bored as fuck, your whole collection is like a garbage truck, that's why it's collecting dust, blow it off,
I'm blowing up,so bitch blow me off, I'm going hard,just so I could show they soft, take a puff, and then I pass it, making improvements drastic, while these songs I put it caskets, rest in peace, I'm a beast from up north, pete, star with my shit, that got these labels pissed, but I was born to do this...

About to take a nap in class. See yall

Holy Crap

I only say holy crap because I'm god's son and the shit, get it lol.

Nah what I'm really holy crapping is about is how the FUCK did time fly like it did. I have MAD work to do and coming up...the nails are biting. Woooaaa.

I just wanted to kind of wish my good pal lol, carrie huggins a birthday! I thought it would be a nice, extra step for me to do for her birthday.
Right now, I'm watching two and a half men but I'm tired as hell. I still can't believe 6days have passed since the last entry.

Just a few things to mention:
1)My 2nd cousion is staying @ my aunt's house for the next two months...that's gunna be wierd as hell but whatever. Apparently her boyfriend, lives in new york...confused? Yea me too
2)My mom came up from florida. All smiles about that but she's gone already BOOM.
3)Miss my boys but played ball and freestyled today...mmm good
4)Had my first scrimmage and did alright. 2/2 from the free throw line, 0/2 shooting, 2 rebounds, 3 steals, and a turnover plus 2 assists. HOLLA! Lol.
5)Have one more scrimmage than in 2 weeks, going away to massachusetts for the first game. And then in december I get the championship rings AND first home game.
6)Confidence is growing and I got my swagg back! Thank god. I kinda feel alive.
7) Got a mohawk...I'll try and post a picture haha.

Alright gotta try to do homework. Goodnight yall!

Happy B-day Carrie!

Mr.33

Holy shit. Talk about a crazy day. I shoulda wrote this entry MUCH earlier but fuck it. Well I had an intramural game against basically the worst team in intramurals. Technically, I'm suppose to play for one of them but I play for both but today I stayed true to the first team I played with which was blue. And then I went off...

I probably took about 20shots n hit more than ten of them. I hit like 6 three pointers and 3/3 for the free throw line. I coulda had a career high 40 points. I ended up with 33. Fuck it though that's my new lifetime high and I'm not gunna lie that shit felt good as hell. Like crazzzzyyyyyy amazing. I forgot that I could shoot like that. And it was a definite confidence booster although I had a little better average in practice. It could've been better for sure. But I'm at least increasing my play a bit. I get teased and what not but I don't really care anymore.

I know I belong.

And that's something that is hard for me to remember. I'm not a bad player. Neither is steven, shea, DV, or A.D. I'm a smart guard, not the quickest or the slimiest but I have to have confidence, protect the ball, and be strong. Those 3 things are the key to my success. Period. I'm not growinf anytime soon but what I am doing is building on the foundation I have. I'm probably in ONE of the best shapes of my life, mentally and physically. Senior year people new I was slimmier n I got to be back to that form. And even better.

Anyway, I just wanted to smile because regardless of who I didn't against I had one of the best games of my life, shooting wise. I never thought I'd break my old record but I did. With pride.

Soo in the words of jay-z...it's on the next one. :)

P.S. Happy bday to my sister. We had a great day! Love u!

Remember Novemeber?

Hey yall,

Late for school, again. Which definitely isn't good. Grrr. Lol. Really have to prioritize everything. Anyway, had a pretty good weekend which I hope everyone did. Just went to a little house party and then passed out because I was sooo tired. For real. Like I knocked out by the time I got my hour back. Pretty cool to see people I haven't seen in a while, including marc and cory, who were my two closest friends growing up. Who I want to be apart of my life, even if it's distant like it is now. I always come by and show love.

And just to discuss a few things my friend cory has been in a relationship for 3 years with this girl and they just broke up. I don't want to give details about what I know about their relationship but regardless, 3 years is 3 years ya know. So I can't blame cory for being upset but HOPEFULLY whether it be the motivation to get her back OR the motivation to do better (and not make the same mistakes) he will try to go back to school, get a job, or do something with his life. he use to rap with me a long time ago, like when I was 13/14 but no one ever took it serious like me. But if anybody does and wants to make it their life like me than all you have to do is let me know. I never been the type to shun somebody away although I've been pushed away like my whole life but fuck it. That's life.

Second thing I wanted to discuss was november, just how I feel like this month is going to be hectic, a little emotional but overall good. Before I get into that I just want to say that I want to be in the hip-hop game in a certain way. I don't want to make a corny song that ends up getting radio play and then I get a crappy deal. NO! Fuck that. I do this hip-hop shit for the love and I want to be recognized by most people. Not everybody is going to like me but aslong as the big dogs respect me n I have a strong fan base FUCK IT.

Anyway, I can't believe it's novemeber already. Still a little shocking and overwhelming. For real. Last year, november left me sexless, upset, where I connected with Kanye West's 808 n heartbreaks, and I found charles hamilton. Music really depressed me but comforted me, for real. It does way more help than negativity. This time aroiund I know it's gunna be a good month though. So I'm excited.

Talk to you guys soon :)

Happy Halloween

I just wanted to make onnnnneeeee last entry in october as another pretty decent month has gone by with a lot of controversial and good shit happen to me. What I just wanted to get off my chest is this age of...being in between. I assume mad people feel the way I do, when they reach my age but it's awkward. Like extremely. Where did 19 year olds fit in? Really? In anything?

But anyway, it's something about emptiness, familiness, and the speciality (I'm making up words n shit)of a holiday. Eventhough "Halloween" isn't like a REAL holiday, something about it makes me want to either do some wild shit, dress up like I was a little kid but play with the grown up kids or maybe even be a kid again. MAYBE that's what having your own kids are for, to teach them and let them bring out the holiday spirit we all kind of lose when we get older.I just wanna celebrate everything. Idk why but I do.

Whatever. I hope everyone has a fantastic, orgasmic night and that no one is left alone or didn't do ANYTHING today.

I don't know what to title this: Random Shit

Hey yall this may be my lasy entry of october, tear drop. Wow the streets are flooded with people. I'm not gunna lie I miss being young but when I was younger I would be missing out on sex lol. Not that that it is or isn't a constant thing in my life. Anywho, just saw this kid with a wolverine costume brought back memories. Lol. And I'm listening to "Empire State of Mind."

Well I really don't know what this entry is about. It's not a rant or a string of personal reandom shit. Idk. I just wanted to right and say life is a roller coaster and I NEED confidence, CONFIDENCE, and CONFIDENCE. Seriously, where can I buy some?

And I just wanted rto also say that I'm 19years old, I say it like it's some secret but it's hard to believe. A lot of times I feel and know I'm really mature, not only for my age but in general but than I wonder if experience or this lack of confidence plus society's (media I guess) views on certain things that hold me back. Like when I'm around certain people I'm quiet, submissive. With other people I'm loud and obnoxious. But when I go out I feel grown up and that's a really good feeling but what makes it bad is when I don't fit in or when people make comments about my age. Especially connecting it with my attitude, personality, and the way I act(?). I don't know. And I will never figure it out. All I know is each day I do get older, smarter, dumber, fatter, it's whatever in the cards.

Happy Halloween yall

Only Jay-Z...

Yes. For those who know ONLY jay-z can do a bunch of shit and get away with it as well perform at events that no one in rap could've have imagined. For example, yesterday Jay-Z performed at yankee stadium (to my knowledge he's the first "rapper" ever to do something like that). It's amazing what one man accomplish. Sometimes i wonder if i could really even achieve 1/16 of his fame, love, friends, hate, success, and money. But regardless if i ever achieve my own dreams, Jay-Z has opened the door for hiphop, opened the door to Kanye West's ignorance and creativity. It's crazy. It makes me happy and the fact that he performed "Empire State of Mind" at the new yankee stadium leaves me speechless. I'm a little upset that he didn't do the third verse but the vibe is so paramount. Crazy. And on that note i also want to mention that i think i would pee in my pants, lmao, if even got a hook from Jay-Z but i have to remember that NOBODY is perfect. Not even our idols. They have faults, that we accept. Jay-Z probably did some grimey shit to "the little people" all big GUYS do but for everybody they trashed, they also helped other random people out. Through their music, charity, concerts, and being endorsements for political and social figures. That's just a rant because jay-z got dissed ONCE AGAIN, but an old friend of his, but that's life i guess.

Just enjoy the performance and for the first time in life, i don't hate the yankees. I want them to win and i feel this new sense of NEW YORK PRIDE. Except Pedro Martinez is my nigga! lol. Had to throw in something retarded.

Hope You Haven't Forgotten About Me

Lol. True Story though. I know I been M.I.A. And only certain people have seen my face but hopefully I can find time for everyone. Including myself. This week has been very quiet thus my silence. Like I can't even believe that it's almost friday. I guess in recent days or maybe just today I've been in like a daze. The way I definie days is just like things go on and as a person you just kind of oblivious or not paying much attention to your surroundings. It's strange.

I can't really say much more than that as of right now. Basketball season, finals, and much more are coming. People's birthdays, holidays, essays. It's crazy. I'm nervous n worried but trying to ignore it.

Talk to yall later. About to read after I finish zoning to Lil Wayne's "No Ceilings"

4th on Paper, 1st in our hearts? Can I say that...

Hey yall,

Before I knock out and go do work/play ball I just decided to write the resutts of todays cross country meet. Both the girls and guys finished fourth. I'm a little sore but whatever. I thought I was going to run a 36 or close to it. Thought my pace was good but I think me and DV fell behind in the beginning which translated into a weak run. Although it felt like I was doing really well.

I'm a little dissappointed, in our performance as a team and my individual performance. Really thought I was gunna do well but it still was my 2nd best time of the year. Which is crazy. Oh well. I'm happy and definitely doing cross country again next year. I think I'm going to run at least once a week in the track when I can. I think it will be good. Confidence slowly rising. I know it hasn't peaked yet, not close but when it does...watch out world. Jonathan Andrew Martinez aka Jam Young is coming. Be prepared.

:) laterrrrrrrrr

Poetic Practice

Everytime I try to do, something for you
It's like I'm doing wrong to you, ain't nothing right that I can do, I'm like a sickness, swine flu, with no medicine
There you go, getting into my head-again, there you go, telling me you won't give me head-again, if I don't head out and make some friends, make some ends, so I take my pen,

And do just that, make friends with my fans, make ends from the raps, but you still complain,
Nothing good that I can do, too young, too immature, too hood for you, well if that's true
I can totally understand why where at, where we're at,
Trying climb up the hill cause there ain't no flat, lands, just a bad, man, but no one can do what I can, I swear

Yet no one believes me...
Yet no one wanna tell me how they miss me, wanna see me, NOPE,
A year passes, burning like some acid, ashes, rashes, nasty, ugh, need some asses, in handy, instead of my hand be, which I don't even use,
Cause the paper I abuse, with the gears in my mind, my troubles are my tools,
Wreckless fools, leave me with no food

But I hunt, and make the best of it, trying not to mess with it, whatever suboncious thoughts are under my fitted

It is what it is, either I got the golden ticket, or I survive through my endeavors and learn to live with it...you feel it...

Poetic Practice, got me exposed like a cactus, no shades, everydays, like this,, survive through my endeavors and learn to live with it, ya dig it?

"So Much To Gain In So Little Time"

You ever heard a song that saved you, or comforted you during a time where you were really upset? And then hear it again when you're fine, and it brings back this wierd feeling? Like a feeling that you;re glad you've overcame that sadness for the most part? That's how I feel when I listen to this song called "Emotional Distress" by Charles Hamilton. It's crazy, I remember going to school everyday Mad early, waiting for the 2 train to go to school. Doing work, going to sleep, feeling uneasy, worried, anxious, and sad. I know I've probably mentioned this a lot, but I really believe I was depressed for a long portion of last season and it took me a WHILE to get out of it. I'd say probably till April/May of this year. I was fully removed from the situation and even then that's debatable.

I'm not really sad on the surface now a days just under the layers. A lot of anger toward the first girl I fell in love with, towards a few of my "friends" who I thought would be there for me, my grandparents, my parents especially. That's like the root of it all. But anyway, I don't mind sharing my world with yall for now because I know that this is my therapy. When I can't tell my therapist how I feel I can tell my blog and myself. It's a strange concept but whatever.

Anyway, I haven't been blogging because I get bloggers block lol. Tell people I coined that, alright :)

It's been a llllloooooonnnnngggg exhausting week. One I haven't had in a while. Bunch of school work due, ran a lot more this week, short and long distance, basketball worries, nerves which fuck up my game soooo much. It makes me furious. I'm a good ball player and that's why I'm on the team but my insecurities get the best of me sometimes. Whatever. This week is over and tomorrow starts a new!

Tomorrow, is a good day for cross country. Weather will be bright and good. Not too hot, which is peeeerrrrfffecccctt. I'm going for the best time ever. 36. If I do that means I would've not only shaved close to ten pounds but 6 minutes and change off of my running time. We need to win :)

Talk to you guys later!

P.S. I'm trying to stay positive but I'm late for therapy again. Fuck. Stay positive.

P.P.S. Got to therapy 20mins late. Needed those extra twenty...

Embrace GOOOD Music

ESSO - View From The Top [Official Video] Directed by Puma from stupid GENIUS on Vimeo.

The title ALONE should be enough to LISTEN :)

Nights To Remember Turn Into Mornings of Happyness

Hey yall,

I'm tired and very lazy aswell as anxious. I have a bunch of work to do and it's killing me. I feel sort of like a vegetable today. Just there, dead, sitting here.

Outside doesn't look too bad. I'm gunna take a shower and get things done. I have to really try, really really try.
Study for anthro.
Read for South Park Class.
Buy 2 books.
Wash clothes.
Write two esays.
Mentally prepare for basketball and cross country.
Pray for a close friend that's had a rough couple months.

I feel like there's more. It's just crazy. I feel very wierd today. Yesterday I hung out with dv and some other people. Saw a movie. Ate. In the city. I felt kind of good/wierd. Like I've done it before but I feel like NOW I'm becoming a man because I'm not doing all this with just one person. Also the people I hang out with don't make me feel irresponsible, immature, or young. Like it's cool.

But it makes me miss when I use to do it with other people.

Anywho, I realized, well I've realized this before but not all aspects of life will ever be GREAT and days are going to drag and be whatever BUT that's alright. Because aslong as most of things are alright, or more than alright than there is always reason to smile.

And for some reason I feel partially conplete. Complete in terms of, I have a lot of things in place in my life. It's just because of that I'm more exhausted and have to be more prepared than ever. So I think that's what's draining and killing me. But overall I'm fine.

I've learned a lot about myself. My skill. My flaws. And what I need to get a move on with. So let's hope that can happen.

I'm gunna make today a good and productive day.

Everybody smile...

Recommendation Part 8: Bored To Death

I just wanted to also recommend this show. I have yet to see Curb your enthusiam but most HBO are pretty hot. It's only 3/4 episodes in so everyone you have time to catch up. The main character's name is Jonathan and he's a writer... that should be enough to see it right? lol. He's also very short and an unlicesened dectitive. Just try it out...no harm in that. :)

right?

Reinact

Sorry i keep posting videos but the more i'm on an actual computer, the more shit i find that i label as AMAZING. This performance is pure hip-hop and one day i would like to do something like this for eminem or jay-Z.

(2)Dope fiRE Song

Yes yall i do listen to other songs BESIDES RAP. Everytime i hear this song on the radio, i zone. It inspires me. Shit is pretty hot and if you haven't heard it...than you heard it here first!!!!

Told yall I'm back on my blogging SHIT :)

Holy FUCKING SHIT...

Now i usually try to stay away from perverted shit on my blog unless it's subliminal but after seeing this TWICE...holy shit. This was posted on twitter by a couple people but i couldn't see it because i was on my phone. NOW that i viewed it...you will understand the title of the entry. That's all i can say. I'm turned on, amazed, and in total complete shock. I must say that from what i've heard, and experienced that white girls dominate the category of "giving head" and there's no doubt this is the reason why.

I'd also like to say she has that shit down her throat. You could see it moving. My shit (referring to...rhymes with Martinez lol)... let's say she would eat me alive, in 2 minutes.

Damn, i want to rant but i'm speechless at the same time. WTF...
life yo

Artist Exposure Section: Introducting Karlovy "Knowing You a Fan..."

Above me, is the first official video i believe that any Gwopp Gettaz/K.O.S member has ever done. The video features many of the members in Gwopp Gettaz/K.O.S. but the most important one at the moment if Karlovy (use to have Sanchez @ the end).

Karlovy is somebody I've personally known for almost 4 years now. He's actually the first person outside of the little crew i had that i did a song with. I respected that. He was part of the Hidden Hand movement at one time, which i use to associate with but now everybody is a new group, and Karlovy is trying to make real moves. The first by creating this video and second dropping his second solo mixtape, which I'm hoping should be dope. I personally like him, a lot of his music. He's definitely got better and in the scheme of things is my competition, it's a friendly competition though. So in honor of his moves and for the respect i have for him, i decided to be nice and put up his video WHICH I HOPE THAT EVERYONE VIEWS.

The song is one of the best ones i've heard from him. Dre, Karlovy's real name, has a unique sound to his voice and in my opinion a lot of potential which i hope he can transform into a career. I don't necessarily agree with everything he or anyone else is doing but i respect it and until i get my shit together, i cannot vocalize that opinion very often. We've been out of contact in recent but i hope i can get some records done with him and the crew. I wish him the best of luck and will be talking about him further as my music career is moving out of the station.

Tell me what you guys think....my opinon will be said LATER lol

:)

Love Life, Fuck circumstances haha

Life is the SAT's, Not Many People Ace It

Metaphors. Similies. Nouns. Expressions. Cliches. Verbs. Pretenious words.

Those are the things that make me feel comfortable and at times very uncomfortable.

I would just like to say I think we, as people, are our own worst enemies. Just felt like saying that. I'm not in the mood to explain.

Lately, I've been this oximoron. I been feeling good but at the same time, I feel like dying. I don't understand it at all really. Like I'm drained, all the time. I'm lost in class, I feel like, but I'm doing pretty well in every class by test scores and shit. So I don't know what it is. Wierd. I know. Plus things are also going fast/slow.

Like time is really wierd as well. I don't know. Feeling saine and not saine, is extremely confusing for me. I'm just in a strange state.

I have more to write and say but can't.

Just want send my wishes out to someone who has had a big impact in my life. I know mentally things areprobably worse than how I'm feeling now but you'll get through it. Maybe not over it but be well enough to live life to the fullest again.

Positive Assertion

Confidence. I just want to say with all the bullshit that has been around and going around I'm still positive as can be. It's crrraaazzzzyyyy. I'm excited.and worried. I'm like 80percent sure I'm a be on the team again but that 20percent is killing. Regardless I know I'm nice. Not nasty, yet. But I'm a solid player. No superstar but I get it in. And that's all I wanna prove.

Yesterday was a major confidence booster with scoring, dribbling and my overall game so now it's time to excute. I've been working almost as hard as I can. Lifting weights and playing and for once, I'm happy and confident.

Fuck that "I'm fat shit." Fuck it, I'm fat. I know it. I'm still trying to lose it BUT it won't fuck with my game. I'm a score, I'm a pass.

Love the game...
Jam

Do You Ever Wonder? Do You Ever Have Doubts? If It's Not Human Nature than What Is It About?

Hey yall, sorry for my absence. I got a tons of crap to post, pictures, information, plans, updates, videos, songs... I need to do something a bit more interesting. By 2010, I'm looking to remodel.

If anybody knows how to make a blog look more official, anybody who fixes myspaces, creates fan pages, videos, anything entertainment wise.

So I would just like to let people know that Audrey and I finally (my fault lol) executed our brunch/interview, which was pretty cool. She asked a lot of good questions, which actually stumped me. My boy Julian also was interviewed for the same issue (I think) that I'll be in, so it should be hot. I was a bit nervous but it made me feel professional.

We're actually going to re-do it for youtube on some ESPN hot zone shit, so people get to know me a bit better, off the blog and off the music. I really want to come out with two cd's at once. What was suppose to be Most Likely II Succeed and the new cd, The heart is where home is... And just a reminder, I need to copy right ALL thousand of my lyrics so if anybody knows about that, it would all be very appreciative. If I don't get help...

I gotta do it by myself.

Anyway, the title of the entry is basically me talking about feeling there's something missing. I don't have many unbiased opinions so it's kind of wierd saying I'm nice, eventhough I believe I am. I feel like almost every rhyme, every month I get better, especially flow wise. I'm actually very excited and nervous of this process.

I need a co-sign. I need people, fans, bloggers, websites, to like me. I wanna have a fan in fucking oregon lol. I want to branch off but whatever.

A previous album/mixtape I posted up was by Hannibal King, who might be asking me to do a verse for one of his upcoming projects. I just want to be able to do well and have certain production. I feel like if have 2 hannibal beats, puerto roc beat, woody and blackthebeast beat with d.munoz production plus regular instrumentals mixed with soundclick producers, I can do have a solid, valuable mixtape which can be embrassed by the public. I need a direction but I don't. I just want a mixtape that people can't deny their ears.

It's wierd.

I just have believed in myself so long, I feel like I'm the only believer. It's crazy. I don't know...I feel like the "right" time is coming, the coming of age. I'm gunna miss being 19 for real. Being 20 means I have to PUSH myself to extreme limits. It's pretty nerve wrecking. Like I'm (in my mind) a very mature, philosophical, introspective, knowledgable "teenager" although I've never looked at myself as a teen but it's different from being a mature teenager to a mature MAN. I believe I am a man but this would be different. I have to step up. No more excuses. I have no real tangiables, no kids. Just a dollar and a dream. I just need ONE person's help.

I don't know. Plans never work out but hopefully it turns out better than how I planned :)

Talk to you beautiful people later. New entries coming...

Re-Update

I haven't put a title with the "re" which is part of my re-birth plan, WHICH is going pretty well. Can't Lie. It's just crazy the emotions I have been feeling and dealing with since the lastblog entry. When too much goes on and too many feelings occur AND idon't have a blackberry (which I've gotten back :)) or have a computer near by, these feelings kind of go to waste and once I don't express myself I go through a mini-hiatus or hibernation from blogging SO I appreciate all my frequent readers. The blog is here to see a deeper view on my life, on my MUSIC, fashion, music that I like, and whatever other bullshit I put up :) haha.

I just had to explain that. So I'm making myself blog. I did really good last month, for whatever reason, in blogging and I like to continue GOOD trends, intentionally.

I got sooo much I wanna write but I wanna say that I found out that my aunt reads my blog, which is a bit disturbing BECAUSE I've never really let a family member know how I REALLY feel in complete honesty with no holes and I can do that on my blog, for now. But she kind of has turned into my friend and my aunt at the same time. She's really helpful and supportive and that sounds like a good friend and AUNT if you ask me. She's also in school for her masters which is pretty cool. She's the only one with a bachelor degree in my family, so as I chase her, she continues to accomplish new things and she's .... Can't say her age :) she hates that.

I'll post soon, I promise, to you and to myself. Gunna sleep while I'm on my way to run 5.3 miles in less than 2 hours. Wish me luck.

P.S. Happy Birthday, Again Dad (Oct.6)

And I wanna do well today, please give me the strength.

P.P.S although my blog is extremely personal and everyone who reads it gets to see an introspective Jonathan, my music is the key to my life, past, present, and future...so when I give you emotional music just know it's true to some extent. I wear clothes but in my music I'm naked...

I will write soon...

A problem that's unleashed
A pain that's real deep
Cut, flesh, blood, of my heart
Cliche topics, but of the real life sort
the battlefield of a beloved sport

I can't ever say much... so my anger is erupting,
Volcano, of frustration, pour out, my steam is hot lava

Who's to blame, is it you? is it me?
It is we, but at the same, i can not take, much blame
Personally, feeling
Can't be told how to feel

Shred, Cut, Slice, Rip, Peel, Fight,
Beaten
Sore
I cannot take much more, damage
For my sanity will rest in utter tears

No piece, or Peace
Scream

Silent

Who's to blame, is it you? is it me?
It is we, but at the same, i can not take, much blame
Personally, feeling
Can't be told how to feel

The undoable, unmovable
heart, brain
Choice...
Life...

A Big Thank Youuuuuuu (In Soulja Boy Voice)

Hey yall, the title got published yesterday by accident and i couldn't take it off so today i'm going to write the entry. I basically felt yesterday, that i was appreciated and i needed to thank and appreciate the people that have done things for me. Taken me in. Ever done anything for me. OBVIOUSLY i won't remember everybody and certain people have A LOT more reasons than others but i'm a just start. SOO if you read this and your name isn't there or you feel SLIGHTED, than that's your punishment for even thinking that your not as important as anyone else on the list. SURE, some people have done more than others but in my mind it doesn't take away from the things that you've/they've done. So just KNOW i'm thank you. PERIOD.

My MOM (for always, or almost always putting my wants and needs first. Sometimes we forget and have our OWN problems, which i'm learning are important too. It's just that when your a mom, i think you have to be one of the most powerful and strong people on earth. Your the strength of the family because everybody NEEDS their MOM and their effect on a child's life i think is just slightly more important than a fathers. I love you mom and we're all humans and have faults but that doesn't stop me from wanting a hug from you...)

My Father (if i could only express everything to you and for you to just understand and get it. I don't know exactly who YOU are anymore and i don't think you understand who you are anymore but i Still LOVE YOU. I still have hope that you will fix your life and we'll eventually fix our relationship. Even if it doesn't happen, your still somebody i admire, for not being a coward in taking responsibility, i just wish you listened, asked for help, and that we could have been a lot closer. I miss you and i thank you for giving me your sensitivity. I'm learning that having the traits i have and being myself is what i have to accept)

My grandparents on my Mom's side (You guys might have been bad parents to my mom and my aunt but you guys really tried to be GREAT grandparent's to us. OF course, we're both misunderstood because of our LARGE generation GAP, but you tried to understand. You showed even if we never really talked. You tried to keep "spanish" alive and helped me with my hw and discipline when my parent's weren't there to. I miss you guys and i really, REALLY hope that you guys don't die in Ecuador without me giving you the biggest hug in the world. If you do though, i will come to Ecaudor just to lay on top of your grave with the flowers i promised to bring you).

My grandparents from my dad's side (At first i didn't have the biggest appreciation for you guys but now i do. Taking me in and really showing me a family environment makes me not want to leave. SURE, i live on a couchbed but what you guys provide, guidance and annoying nagging is what i truley need. A hug, a kiss, and values. THANK YOU GUYS sooo much. This is the reason i'm writing this...is because of you guys)

... I can't keep writing why, i'm crying in my school library and can't take it.
So here are my spontanious list off the top of my head.
Tita (Aunt, Anne-Marie)
Tia Hilda (Aunt, Hilda)
Ashley (sister)
Victoria (sister)
Carrie Huggins (amazing person & Friend)
Sam (step-mom)
Marc (ex-bf)
Cory & Ryan (you guys were a pair and we were like the three musketters once upon a time ago (neighbors, ex-bfs))
Hugo
Kayla Berenson (sorry if i spelled your name wrong)
Nelson & John
Ashley Valencia
Mike J. Gottie (my brother man, i miss you a lot and hope that our dreams come true)
David Reyes
Julian Cazares
Jody Popper (Motherly Guidance, i hope to see you soon)
Steve (i still love you even if you do some Asshole shit to the people you love)
Johnny F
Trevor Stark & His WHOLE Family
Farah Khan
Jeremy
Jennifer Lee Pang (:))
Danny
Jerome (i hope shit gets going)
Leo, Jason, Oscar, & Alex
Lisa Chen
Jennifer
Lydia
Justin & Mr. Snype
Evelyn (babysitter, got me my first cologne, my first bandanas, probably the best, loving babysitter)
Ava & Jp & Sofia
Mike Mulstay
Lisa Byheny
Dominic Henderson
Jed Herman
Ms. Bengals (wherever you are, THANK YOU SOOO MUCH for believing in my poetry)
First grade teacher who told me to ALWAYS ask questions (even if i was annoying)
Karlovy aka Dre
Stephanie Rubino
Stephanie Tolli
Catherine Medina
David & Jason
Daniel Velesquez (DV, my other older brother, for real. Bond is EXTRA deep)
Coach Podias
Mr. Kim
Ms. Ameras
Mr. Ertel
Jonathan Franke
Brian Franke
Mike Breen (Nassif) and his family
RFK Building
Marc's MOM
Mrs. Valencia
Mr. Pernick
Kiko
Limor
Angelica Berry
Audrey Allure
Alexis
Norris
Floyd
Sebastian (yall 3 damn son, the memoires and the drama)
Tiffany & Angela (3 way!!!!!!!!!!)
Lilya (forever be my prom date and i ain't mad at that)
Billy
Ashely Astarita
Stefon
Stephen Brooks
Stephanie Gonzalez
Brittany West
Frannie Monches
Sweetina Kakar
Tim (first put me on to basketball)
Dayna
ANBODY WHO READS THE BLOGS
Eminem, Jay-Z, Kanye West, Charles Hamilton
MUSIC
Life
(and if there is one) God

Mood Ring Part 11: Not How I'm Feeling NOW, but hope i don't feel this way LATER

This is the first REAL video that i know of from the homie XV. It's dope but at the same time dissappointing. When you have a LOW budget, i would HOPE they would try and make it look like it didn't. I don't know. I'm glad there's a video and that people like it. The song is very relatable to ME and for other people. It's barely over three minutes, so just take out the time and "make it do what it do."

P.S. Hate Work..School Work

Just Wanted To Say

Funk ain't over, neither is the drought
but it's raining out my window...
wierd... huh? What?

Try to see what's in my mind, movie film, big screen
lil man, big dreams, deranged, crazed, confused, abused,
Yet i Know...

All
O
V
E
R

THE P


LACE

...

Few Words Some (Sum) It All UP

I'm tired as fuck right now but i'm still up. Just too much thinking and not functioning and things just aren't right. MY body isn't right, my bball game isn't right, music isn't right, and my head is definitely NOT functioning properly. I don't really know what else to say or do right now... And on top of that my blackberry, that fell into water about a week ago, is finished. Broken completely. I have to wait to get a new one so anybody who has texted, bbm me, or called me on that number i completely apologize. I kind of look it as a minor blessing though, being free from the media. Free from my typical habits. I don't know. About to watch "Bored to Death" on HBO and go to sleep. Long weekend of headaches, work, and hopefully some enjoyment. I feel like screaming. I feel like cursing, especially at YOU, yes YOU, you know who the FUCK YOU ARE. God...

"What happends when the same thing you love is the same thing you hate?" -quoting myself.

Goodnight yall and wish me luck. As the city stays awake, my eyes begin to drift off into a state of hopefulness, hopefully, in my dreams and eventually in reality...

What To Do/Men Lie, Women Lie, Numbers Don't...

"Men lie, Women lie, Numbers don't" - Jay-Z
One of the smartest business man and rap greats said the statement above and although i 98 percent agree with him, NUMBERS do lie. Numbers ignore talent, ignore exposure, ignore potiential. And i just feel like i need to say that. Numbers are important and SHOULD always be CONSIDERED and LOOKED AT but at the end of the day if your quality and product is better and doesn't sell as much as someone else's, it's not your fault, blame business and marketing and the SYSTEM.

I suck at tests but that doesn't mean i'm not smart or intelligent or that i can't succeed like the businessman that walk around wallstreet with their head high and there nuts low. lol.

Anyway, that's not what this entry is about... this entry is about...
The iphone?

Yes the iphone! Well kind of... lol.

I want this phone dammit! I don't know why. I don't know if it's business, marketting ploys, the fact i can obtain it. I don't fucking know! i just want this phone but it will cost me an extra 30/40 a month and 99 plus tax of course on the spot. hmmmm and if i get this phone i will have to get my own contract and i think i'm finally going to MAN-UP about it. My mom pays for my verizon phone so i'll still have both BUT i'll be learning the responsibility of paying bills and earning credit. I'm just nervous as hell. I don't want to fuck up. It's part of growing up though and not being like my father, who at one time almost owed AT&T 4 figures worth of money. yea...

So i took out a loan, 4,000 dollars to be exact and this is my split.
1,000- For my mixtape
1,000- Save, don't touch
1,000- pay my mom back/school
1,000- on whatever the fuck i want but mainly necessities/accessories
Things i need to pay for:
Food, living life, transportation, and talking

Soooo depending on the plan this is my breakdown without it:
Earn about $300 a month from Gamestop (will change depending on basketball and if i get to keep the job)
89 dollars- metro card
Spend about 10-20 dollars a day on food (estimate for a week) 80 dollars.
4 week total: 320

so technically i already use more than what i earn.
PLUS other shit which can not be calculated.
Liquor, Beer, Movies, Hanging out.

So before i make this commitment i need help and need money to figure this shit out.
If anyone can help it will be well appreciated.

Start: BUYING 3 24 packs of Poland Spring water at 4 a piece =12 dollars
Buying water in a week 2 x 7 = 14 if not more.
I need to start saving again.

SO let's do this

P.S. Blackberry is DONE SON!