Friday, April 30, 2010

The Bryant Files Part 1: The Arrival

Me and my friends are on our way to Bryant University in Rhode Island, should be a pretty dope experience. It should be a very interesting weekend. It is the first I've ever went away with my friends so it's cool BUT I feel weird for some reason. It's strange. I'm excited and homesick. The car ride is about 3 hrs and we are 20mins away. I can't wait to see a "real" college but I'm tired and just being a punk. Blah. I'm happy and not at the same time. I just felt like this was a bad to go but I don't know. Hopefully I can clear my mind. I feel like I left everything in new york. It's strange but I'm glad I was invited and didn't act like my "old depressed" self and stay in New York. I guess it's time to take risk. I feel like something's missing though. I got into a few big arguements with poeple I love, care about, etc. So maybe that's it. Feel like this are wishy washy and over but whatever. Time to be a "real man." I gotta do hw and write some music and fucking sleep. I'll be updating the weekend, frequently.

Hope yall are enjoying rocking with me and like the new entries. Things are coming along and I'm happy about that. The sun's beaming. Time to let the sun dictate my mood and smile.

Jam on it...

2 Poems I Wrote For A Music Assignment

In Need of Change

I’m tired of writing negatives
Tired of wanting depression medicine
someone show me the light like Edision
but don’t con me
I feel a lack of oxygen
thanks to the world toxins
fear, fear, and more fear
getting shoved down my throat

I feel my happiness, diminishing
I’m stiff like a manikin
I want to walk the skies like Anakin
but damn it, I’m trapped
due to another set of unfortunate events
that fortunately has had me stressed
forcing me to vent
and try and make sense,
of my surroundings
the polluted air has me drowning
Dumbing It Down
Do, You, Understand?

People will die.
They will never come back.
We can do nothing.
Just feel alone.

They want us dumb.
Stupid. Silly.
No school.
Just working.

You, Will, Understand…

When you grow up.
Life is a very, very sad place.


If you ain't heard it, then you heard it here first. Period.Basically i'm saying that there is so much new music out that you might of missed some of it so i'm dropping links of some of my favorite stuff out of the bunch. Check it out:

Eminem: Not Afraid (Prod. by Boi1da)
Eminem: Despicable Freestyle
Drake: Find Your Love (Prod by Kanye West)
Drake: Miss Me (Prod. by Boi1da)
J.Cole: Who Dat (Prod. by J.Cole/Elite)
Game: The R.E.D. Room Mixtape

Everybody has been raving about this video right here...and NOW after seeing it i understand why (lol)

Last BUT not least GO COP THAT B.O.B album!!!!!!!! (picture above)
Here's a crazy ass joint from it, that might get you interested
DL link:

Nobody reading this probably knows who Kendrick Lamar is but he's cool with Jay Rock (1 of 10 XXL Freshmen 2010) and he makes dope music. I'll post two songs that got me interested, check it.

Thursday, April 29, 2010

LONG time No write

Wassup yall?
Everytime I'm in the mood I can't write. I'm either too tired, my phone doesn't work or I'm not compelled to write when I log in. But I'm alive and well. I think I'm going to recreate this blog real soon to make it have more purpose than "venting."

I got a lot of new things to share but I'll try to be brief. I'm really excited about a lot of stuff in life, minus the lack of sleep or getting sleep but not enough.

Since we last talked:
I've met some rappers I'm going to (try and) collab with.

I've met some underground rappers I never thought I'd meet

I'm going to be part of a supergroup called "Cloud 9"
(The first song/freestyle coming soon)

I'm in a basketball tournament

I do pushups and crunches everyday while TRYING to maintain a healthy diet.

Getting 2 grade changes that will boost my gpa over a 3.0 :)

Copped that B.O.B cd (everyone go get that 7.99 at any retail store until saturday)

I've seen my sister and brother for the first time in 2010.

Working on "wasted potiential" the new mixtape which is coming sooner than you think.

I might do my first "real" edited video with a group of my boys "the alliance"

Understood geology

and have been hanging out a lot.

This weekend, tomorrow I'm actually going on my first trip away...without a girl or my family. Should be dope. I'm just very school oriented right now

I've offically started interning at BC radio. I will start a little blog thing for that tuesday nights to remind people to tune it. It's dope. Carribean week is next week.

Oh I also got 3 Aplus' in my theater class, which was really nice.

I read a play which everyshould check out "the shape of things" it's short and really good.

I mean that's basically everything off the top of my head. OH I also had a crappy open mic which can't even be counted as a performance because it was so ghetto and I didn't really perform's cool.

Life's just going pretty well and I hope it is going really well for everyone else too, especially the people who come check this site and thought I have given up on this. Which will NEVER happen, just saying.

Last thing I want to say, is thank god for all the opportunities and watch over everyone close and far from me. Best wishes to the RFK golf team, hope yall beat cardozo.

New entry coming before May. Lol. Promise unlike the last promises. Haha.

Jam on it!

Tuesday, April 6, 2010


This video is how greatness starts. A lot of people have criticized drake but personally he is a great artist. An artist who will make a dent in the game. Above is his new song/intro to his new album dropping in June(?). Dope check it. It's honest and real. The music i look up to.

I tip my hat to you drake, hopefully i'll see you on top.

A Jam You've Never Seen Before

Today's entry will be, probably, the most intense entry to date because I don't think I've ever felt like this before.
Today will be a brutally honest confession. Something that needs to be said, heard, and sulked in to the point I wanna die. I'm not gunna commit suicide. I'm done with thoughts like that. But I do feel like death and here's why...

My heart is in pain. My body is drained. And I just wanna close my eyes and wake up in hopes that this was all a sick dream. I wanna wake up and be 17 again and try life over.

This is what true love does to you.

No wonder in ancient greeks love was considered negative. Love is every word possible. Amazing to extremely fucked up. So fuck love in the name of love. That said...

I'd like to respond to the PERSON IN THE CHATBOX that asked me... Who am I writing these love things about. In all honesty and obviousness...

I am in love. Deeply in love. Insanely in love. And right now I'm crying, crying in love. Crying because of love. All I feel is tears. That's all I can taste. The pain inside of me. It's like twilight exaggerated but it's so true. So true. As I look in the mirror and watch my nose drip and clog and my eyes turn red, all I can say is why?

Why me? Why her? Why am I in love with her? As much as I tell everybody I have surpressed emotions everyday, just as we all do. I have emotions that hurt from my father, from my mother, grandparents. And one thing her, this womann and I have in common, is abandonment. But never in million years did I think she would abadon me.

Fuck the reason. Fuck everything. Never did I think she would leave for the life I decided to give up when I turned 18.

Our relationship wasn't and definitely isn't perferct now. But I wanted it to get as close as possible. It was really amazing that we were brougt together in the first place but I think now more than ever, I really wish we weren't. Like I would give my own life for this woman and I thought she would do the same for me. Instead...she wanted us to grow. Matter fact she wanted to grow...and find someone who wasn't so much younger than her. Someone who was better than me. Someone she could love, settle down, and have kids with one day.

When ur in your mid 20's approaching thirty, thoughts like that will get to you.

I consoled and gave everything I could to this woman. Before I met I was even more naïve and hopeful than I am now and I think my innonence and perspective drew her in. We didn't need to talk all the time but we did need to talk, talk for quality time. I remember it all. And I was recall I just lay on this bed and cry, cry my motherfucking eyes out. I can't see the screen so I'm sorry for typos. But that's all I can do. Cause this situation is soooooo fucked up. So fucked up.

I found a way to sacrafice so much for her and she did the samefor me until she wasn't ready to sacrafice anymore. This is when she met... My replacement.

I don't care if she says she wants me now. She left me. SHE LEFT ME. Just like everybody else did. Cause I wasn't good enough. I wasn't a good enough friend, wasn't a good enough lover, wasn't a good enough boyfriend and son.

What more do people want from me. What more can I do. I give my life to these people. I do good for them and to them and all they do is try and find soemthing better.

I know this part will be random but I want to protect everyone of my siblings from this. I'm already ruined and fucked but them...there's still hope. You know my sister ashley is so smart and beautiful. She is so neat and loving and giving. She's always meant the world to me even if I treated her like shit cause I was the older brother. Victoria. I see myself in her but I need her to be better than me. I need my sister's to find what they love to do and make their dreams come true. I need that for them. And I know you won't be reading thi but I love you guys sooo much and whatever you're going through. I been there. I've seen it. And I just want you guys to be careful and know I'm your big brother, always will be and always have been. I'll never leave ur side like all of these other people. Never. I want us to be like three musketeers. I want us to make it. We deserve that.

Anyway, back to being in love. It's the hardest thing in the world. It makes me crazy and makes me wanna die. I'm in love with an older woman. I'm in love with someone who has deeply scarred me. Someone who is a liar. Someone who is hurt too but she had no right to hurt me and string me along in her sick puppet game. Not me. At my age, I swear I've done for her, what people my father's age couldn't.

Learning to pay bills, stocks, 401k's, living alone, moving, children, and etc are stuff that I WILL learn but you can't teach ambition, compassion, and love. And that's what I gave her. The little things. Everything I thought every girl wanted. Compliments. Hugs. Kisses. A shoulder. An ear. Flowers randomly. Someone to wake up next to. A doll. A massage. A non-judgemental mind. Someone who had goals and dreams. Someone who loved to learn. Someone who was horny and would find a way to fuck you right.

I'm not rich by any means but I am rich with knowledge and love and being naïve. That will eventually be downfall and today is my downfall. My truths. My vulnerability. My trust. My hope. All broken, shattered, forgeotten, and abused.

I'm not perfect and like people say no one is but I try my hardest. I swear to god on that. I swear I try to learn how to be the best person I can be. Hopefully when I die or when people speak of me now, that's the case because that's my goal. But people take advantage of that and there's the story.

The woman I love makes out with a man and sees me after. The guy she "claims" to love. The guy she said she WANTED to end up with but knew and found every answer in the book why we WOULDN'T be together. That's why she tried to "move on" but she's back...and for what, to take the broken pieces of my heart and shatter them in even smaller pieces. What does she want?
And why me? Why me! I keep asking why the fuck does it have to be me.

And I'll never get an answer. I've basically watched blindfoldedly the woman I love share and do and experience things with a guy, who knows about me but I don't know about him. A guy who has become my replacement regardless of what she says. She has done stuff with him, that she could never do with him and I am helpess/powerless to it ALL.

I just have love, desire, and pain. Pain is my best friend. Since I was ten. Pain has fueled me, in a positive way to everything.

I have loved this woman for 4 years of my life. 1/5 of the years I've been living on earth. Which is a pretty amazing feat in itself, especially knowing she was sucking, fucking and sleeping next to this "guy." This guy who is indeed better than me. Sleeping with him while my picture was on the wall. While the painting and the doll I gave her was in the room. While the shit I use to fix...was there too.

I keep telling her that I will never step foot into that place again. Ironically I can picture everything in the room/house. I can see it. Every moment I spent in it. Every second. I remember that and it was all wasted because I was never good enough.

She wanted more. She wanted him. And he has accomplished way more than what I've done. He is the epitome of better. Epitome, a word I took from her.

I just wanna wake up tomorrow healed. I can't believe all of this. All of this pain. All of this deciet. I don't wanna go anyway with her. I love her. I love her sooo much but I see why "love" isn't always good enough.

I may be talking in circles but everything is true. She told me. Everything they did, how they met...everything...I guess.

Once a liar/cheater, always a lying cheater?

I like to believe that's wrong. I see the good but with the way she hurt me can that ever be true. Honestly. Can it?

She left me once...who says it won't happen twice. Who says she love me until she 81.

My eyes are hurting from the crying. I have to go but I was ditched and humiliated. A puppet in this sick love play. She wanted me around while she fucked and introduced this guy to her friends, family, and they all loved him...she didn't "love him" but treated him that way.

It's so hard to do this but I'm falling asleep which is gunna be hard to contiously do. So till tomorrow because I will probably never get over this. The separation was necessary...but this is just too fucked up and dramatic. He was her everything and I was just another pawn in this sick chess game...