Monday, November 30, 2009

i'm All Fucked Up

Okay let's try this again lol. Hey yall, (entry please don't disseaper again)
I hope everyone had a good weekend. I'm in anthropology watching a movie, a little horny, tired, and just kind of whatever. I got a lot to update you guys on. Like a LOT, A lot.

Where do I start? Let's start with the title, I can't believe it's the end of november already. Like for real? The end of november. I can't believe this shit. And here we are like 4 months into school and I'm still all fucked up. Tired. Lazy. Compeltely sleepy. Part of it is my fault but the other part I don't know. I don't have the inspiration or the desire I guess to do any work. I've been lazy and I've been late BUT never like this. Never with this much lateness, carlessness. It's quite ridiculous and it's gunna hurt me and my GPA. Unless somehow I can pull of a miracle. Who knows I might but still I don't want to pull off some late minute shaninagins, I need to be consistantly good. And care. There was NO better feeling than getting an A- in Mass Media and an A in english. Period.

Well early this month I said that november would be a really good month. And for the most part it has been. Of course there's always going to be little quaints, problems, issues but overall I have very little complaining to do. All the "issues" I've had were issues I had already in previous months that carried over. Nothing new really started there so my overall grade for november is somewhere between an 8-9. Maybe a little more a little less. Would've liked to blog more. But it's like blogging and rap are a pair, if I'm not motivated or don't have the RIGHT words to say then I won't say them. Or I'll start and lose them ya know. I have several unfinished entries that will probably stay that way. Otherwise, I got a couple things accomplished BUT I could've done it a lot better. Smh... It hurts just thinking about it and one of them I haven't finished so I'm gunna force myself to do it. Fuck.

Let me get this off my chest. I had a dream about a particular somebody and ever since then it's been on my mind like crazy. and it's bothering the living SHIT out of me. What can I do though? I think when you have feelings for someone and something like a dream pops up it retriggers those feelings, well I kind of need to get rid of them or let it transform into feelings of either friendliness or nothing. I'm tired of thinking about a questionable situation. I don't know how I feel about any of it. I can't because it's there but yet almost non-existant. It's sooooooooo far removed yet still so close. And maybe I just need to do what I've been afraid to do which is let go. Say, we can't talk anymore. Maybe that will work. The problem is that the feelings seem to be mutual, I guess...
But the difference is NOTHING will be done and in terms of accomplishing something it's only on my end and why do I wait, or think, or miss? Why do I feel that way? I just don't understand. And the mind is the most threatening thing because it brings up the past, the future, the present, jelaousy. All that. But I can't find a different approach. So even if I do choose to stop talking to this person, it's my mind that will play with me. So my battle is not with her, it's with me. But if she's out the picture than I can fight myself much easier. Get it? I don't know. And for once I think it's a mutual distance. Which is extremely strange. Like extrememly, extrememly strange but that's life, right? Ugh.
if anybody has advice, please spread some wisdom unless it's you, and you know who you are...anonomyous.

Okay wooo. Now that THAT is over, in terms of this entry we'll talk about one other wierd thing that happen. And I will hopefully conjure up the will to write more. My boy, in between acquaintance and friend, Marc, who I always refer to as my ex best friend, called me before he called anybody in order to tell me about his problems and issues with his gf. He kind of irrationally broke up with her and was telling me, explaining why. It was beautiful. The concept of being needed and looked to to talk. Guy talk. Every guy needs another guy to listen but that doesn't always happen. So we had a lot of good convo. Problem was after that everything went back to normal after that. So I kinda felt/ feel used but it's better than nothing, right?

Ends entry abruptly...

Thursday, November 26, 2009

Happy Thanksgiving Part 1

Happy Thanksgiving yall and as a gift, i said fuck it. Also a thanks to Leslie who wanted NEW MUSIC...

Jam Young- I Stay Fly Freestyle
Charles Hamilton- Charles Hamilton is Back
Lupe Fiasco (new mixtape) Enemy of the State: A Love Story

Sunday, November 22, 2009

302: Sunday Night Live Fever

Hey yall, it's about to be 11 o clock and I am NOT home yet. Suck ass. But whatever. Who am I to complain. The second game of our road trip was very thrilling BUT not the way it was suppose to end or be. Brooklyn College lost 97-89. Yea. Bad defense and plenty of second chance opportunities stretched this game to where the other team nearly dropped a hundred points on us. Needless to say as a team in 2 games we're averaging 99.5 points. Yea.

I thought this season woiuld be a little different in terms of what we came to accomplish and I can't blame it on one game so hopefully it transcends, picks up, and brooklyn college becomes a nationally ranked team with at least 2 championships. God knows we would love to win the NCAA tournament but first we have to get there.

Anyway, through politics, lack of everything, basketball minutes, being a sophmore, I totally understand the loss of passion and the feel of just being bothered and shit. People fuck with me a lot and I do a lot of dumb shit sometimes on the court and it just drains you, drains me as a person. Now the positive is that I'm on the team but I don't feel good. I had one great practice and one decent practice which is an upgrade to my non-exsitant practices. But now that the season begins I sit back on the bench and I'm a team playrt. I root for my teammates and understand completely why I'm not playing. I'm trying to make it work with this team but what if this team isn't where I'm suppose to get my spot? Sometimes the future and everything u thought of doesn't look too optimistic. It's rough. I kinda some idealizing with bball and became a realist which is the worse thing in my mind. Realist obtain what they think is possible, idealists reach for what is not possible and make it possible. And that's how I would write my life, a million times over, even if I suck.

There's just so many battles I have to fight right now. It's hectic. Like real hectic. And maybe it's time management or me dying inside because I don't know what the fuck is going on, can't take control of it, and don't know what's right/wrong and what I want done.

I remember plans never go according to plan. That's the closest to the truth that I can get. But life is like a deck a cards either u fold or keep playing your hand and I won't stop playing.

By the way this week is thanksgiving and next month will be my first official year in blogging. Something I think I tried to get a lot of people into but it tends to die out. I see why. In new york the world is soooo fast pace and with all the things people balance these days I totally understand the lack of blog entries. But to me I try to stay constant with everything, balance everything. I also have an agenda and a dream to accomplish. Part of that dream starts here. This blog is my extra therapy session, for free, and with no limitations. No apologies. No left out emotion.

I'm finally waiting for the bus. It's freezing. And a ten page paper is due on wenesday. Dear god...
Pray for me please.
Talk to you guys soon. Hope you like the new layout.

Rebirth of my life will lead to the changes that are necessary to make my life better. The revolution has begun.

301: Mood Ring Part 14

tyga is an artist who is a year older than me and who has developed in an extremely quick pace since his first album. It's songs like this i envy, love, and wish/hope i can/will write in the near future. Just enjoy it.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

299: Words from a broken heart...

"Is it better to have done and lost or not have it at all"

I know I didn't quote that correctly but I remember jay-z using that before in a freestyle and then later on a song and that is a crazy difficult question. Like wow, would u rather feel love and have a broken heart fro it or never know what it feels like to be "in love?"

Interesting huh? Or no? I think it is, personally. Otherwise I wouldn't be blogging about it, right? Duhh lol.

I just haven't been feeling right, every once in a while. i get these nostalgia feelings and thoughts that pop up relatively randomly. It all reminds me of a poem. A poem, which is incomplete, already written and yet not finished. When i originally started this entry i wanted to express those feelings. Those feeling that needed to be expressed not surpressed. To let you know, i feel for you, i feel for me, and i know you know that we both kinda know what being is love might, will, and does feel like.

Everything is in direct.

That is your key and clue. Accept it. Figure it out. Riddle. It's almost as this entry is poetic in a sense but doesn't make much sense to the reader. I just wanted to say the after relationship love... or the lack there of, is a complicated thing. especially when your ideas and ideals have, to a certain extent, been revealed and exposed, infaltrated.

It's the smell, the scent, the kiss, the softness of thy lips, the smoothness of thy tounge, and the concept that without a word spoken, the eyes tell a hundred sentences and well, your body, tells me what it yearns for. But the heart is a complicated thing, so complex it fucks with the mind.

It's the morning look, of hunger, desire, or the get away from me, you fucked up my sleep. The night turnings, the bathroom breaks, the paranoia of gaining well earned sleep. fucked up and placed blame onto another human being. love. it really is picnics in the park, walks by the dock, sushi outside, with your soft, glazed hair blowing in the wind as if a slow motion movie scene.

It is old, young, fire, pain, and the need for each other. The spark to argeeing and disagreeing. it is paint, splashed all over brand new tiles in the kitchen, as a roach dies by the spray which has been invented. it is vanity, confusion, complacency, but the fact that you and i know, there is nothing like this, better or worse. is this where you want to be? the path you would like to lead?

every sip of sin, in the bedroom when you scream or on the wine glass you hold so evidently tight. with lipstick or chapstick smeared on the tip. the edge of happiness. tilts like a scale. drama. melancholy. confusion.

would i ever like to love again? maybe. or do i wish to hold the one i have loved? maybe. it's this reluctancy to use logic over feelings that brings me to my knees and causes chaos in the body.

i have no answers. nor questions. just w0rds...

jus words

Wednesday, November 18, 2009


What the fuck is wrong with me. Seriously...

Like I don't understand. I just don't at all and maybe that's why I've been exhausted and mentally strained. Like basketball and music my gift and my curse. Or maybe it's my confidence and insecurity. I don't know what the fuck it is. Cause even when I feel good before practice, during and after I feel so upset n dissappointed. What the hell do I do?

It's like a math problem, that's simple but I can't figure it out. It's something. When I step on to that court, with those players I'm like a zombie, I'm powerless, I'm just sucky. My potential and my skill and whatever talent I have goes out the window. My intelligence is gone. And now that everyone else is better it's like I continue to being the worst, like absolutely the worst. I mean I like being put into these situations where I struggle but what else can I do?

In music, it's this flow, this aggression, my bars. I'm fucking good in basketball and music. Music more but I feel both I suck at to people. People have seen my potiential only sometimes and it hurts a lot. But I'm like watching myself fuck up and can't do shit. Even when I'm getting better OUTSIDE of the brooklyn college gym when I step on, it just sucks. Today Ty gave me some encouragement which I really appreciated. Seriously I need, like need stuff like that. I don't get many things like that or enough but I still should be able to do better and show I am better. That I'm good. One day GREAT.

Anyway, I just need to pray or something. Figure this stupid ass shit out. Fuck...


Monday, November 16, 2009

I Hope The Music Is Coming...


Mood Ring Part 13: Wale, J.Cole, & Melanie Fiona "Beautiful Bliss"

This song is my new anthem. Both Wale's verses are on point and well J.Cole is a beast. Already one of my favorite artists with only 4 official mixtapes, and 2 like real mixtapes. He's definitely the next upcoming thing and i hope he forever keeps it real and has longevity in this crappy hip-hop industry. If i had to do a song with someone right now (besides Eminem, Kanye, and Jay-Z of course) it would definitely be him. Just take 5 minutes out of your day, turn off the lights, turn this song up and enjoy. I want a song just like this to be my first ever single. DIG IT!

"It's a beautiful day, when you feel like this"

What the hell have you been up to?

Hey yall, I guess my inconsistency has everyone the same way along with the fact that we all have lives, some busy than others but none the less all important and hopefully productive. I'm here in the computer room in my school, trying to finish a late paper. A paper I can't seem to push myself to finish. I feel like my writings fallen off a bit as well. It's a bit wierd.

I think wierd is one of my most commonly used terms and a work I use to describe many cicrumstances I encounter in life. Anywho today has been a beautiful day, mostly because of weather. Nothing really eventful has occurred but if I finish this paper within the hour then I will be ecstatic. My stomach has been upset, I guess it's all the drunk I been flushing my system with. Hopefully that will stop soon.

I weighed myself for the first time in a while and I'm back in the low 170's. Which makes me feel really good and makes me want to continue pushing until I'm back around 163. If I do that I would have lost 20pounds this year. Which would be undeniably incrediable. I plan on working out today, to keep my strength and I also hope to have a good practice. :) yay! Lol.

Nothing is really too new with me. I have my first bball game of the season this weekend in massachusetts where we wine and dine at. I'm excited. going away is always a good feeling even if for a few hours. The escape is definitely rejuvinating. Probably just what I need! This weekend was just tiring. Worked all weekend. Didn't go out saturday just laid next to my little sister and slept. Friday I had my first cup of sangria which was pretty cool and delicious I would like to say. Other than that, just a money making, not spending weekend :) relaxing n finishing my paper would've been nice.

I did have an excellent therapy session relating to love, insecurities (all of mine, which there is a lot), family issues, the purpose of therapy, and what's to come in the near future with therapy. Hopefully I can work something out but we'll see. I gotta finish this darn gosh paper so I'm just checking in. I miss everybody, especially my readers. So now I'm alive and pretty well I guess.

I just need some music in my life. :)
Talk to you guys soon.
4 more entries until 300! Tune in!

Friday, November 13, 2009

Need To Enrich Your Life? Listen to Will

Yo i swear i wish i knew jay-z, wish Will Smith was my father, and that i was dating jennifer anniston. But on some real shit, i've talked to you guys about the connection between my real father and Will Smith, so when i see Will Smith it's really wierd for me. Maybe that's why Pursuit of Happyness is like one of my favorite movies. That shit is emotional and i'm dysfunctional lol. I guess that makes sense. But for real take ten minutes out your day and watch this video. It's everything you're scared to hear and everything you don't want to do but should.

Monday, November 9, 2009

Mood Ring Part 12: Blackroc

As 2dopeboyz put it, Black keys (rock group) plus Dame Dash = Blackroc featuring 2dope artists, Mos Def and Jim Jones. Usually i don't like a lot of Jim Jones music but the vibe and his real point of view lyrics make this song real good. Check it out! It's about time i put yall on some NEW good Music.

Blakroc: Ain't Nothing Like You (Hoochie Coo) Ft. Mos Def and Jim Jones from Jonah Schwartz on Vimeo.

Bored In Class Freestyle

Beethoven when I'm flowing
Mozart of the charts,
Bach of Hip-Hop, can't stop me when I start
Cause I'm so detrimental on an instrumental,I write music that's influential, sick, influenza, the microphone contender, knockin out these pretenders, when they step to me, always in tune but I'm looney, getting carrots, bugs bunny rabbit, verstyle with my styles, I can take your bitch with just a smile, it's a wrap

Doe ra me fi so, spit fast or spit it slow, hit it fast, then get the doe, love pussy and money but love the game more, to the point I'll fuck it raw, bored as fuck, your whole collection is like a garbage truck, that's why it's collecting dust, blow it off,
I'm blowing up,so bitch blow me off, I'm going hard,just so I could show they soft, take a puff, and then I pass it, making improvements drastic, while these songs I put it caskets, rest in peace, I'm a beast from up north, pete, star with my shit, that got these labels pissed, but I was born to do this...

About to take a nap in class. See yall

Sunday, November 8, 2009

Holy Crap

I only say holy crap because I'm god's son and the shit, get it lol.

Nah what I'm really holy crapping is about is how the FUCK did time fly like it did. I have MAD work to do and coming up...the nails are biting. Woooaaa.

I just wanted to kind of wish my good pal lol, carrie huggins a birthday! I thought it would be a nice, extra step for me to do for her birthday.
Right now, I'm watching two and a half men but I'm tired as hell. I still can't believe 6days have passed since the last entry.

Just a few things to mention:
1)My 2nd cousion is staying @ my aunt's house for the next two months...that's gunna be wierd as hell but whatever. Apparently her boyfriend, lives in new york...confused? Yea me too
2)My mom came up from florida. All smiles about that but she's gone already BOOM.
3)Miss my boys but played ball and freestyled today...mmm good
4)Had my first scrimmage and did alright. 2/2 from the free throw line, 0/2 shooting, 2 rebounds, 3 steals, and a turnover plus 2 assists. HOLLA! Lol.
5)Have one more scrimmage than in 2 weeks, going away to massachusetts for the first game. And then in december I get the championship rings AND first home game.
6)Confidence is growing and I got my swagg back! Thank god. I kinda feel alive.
7) Got a mohawk...I'll try and post a picture haha.

Alright gotta try to do homework. Goodnight yall!

Happy B-day Carrie!

Tuesday, November 3, 2009


Holy shit. Talk about a crazy day. I shoulda wrote this entry MUCH earlier but fuck it. Well I had an intramural game against basically the worst team in intramurals. Technically, I'm suppose to play for one of them but I play for both but today I stayed true to the first team I played with which was blue. And then I went off...

I probably took about 20shots n hit more than ten of them. I hit like 6 three pointers and 3/3 for the free throw line. I coulda had a career high 40 points. I ended up with 33. Fuck it though that's my new lifetime high and I'm not gunna lie that shit felt good as hell. Like crazzzzyyyyyy amazing. I forgot that I could shoot like that. And it was a definite confidence booster although I had a little better average in practice. It could've been better for sure. But I'm at least increasing my play a bit. I get teased and what not but I don't really care anymore.

I know I belong.

And that's something that is hard for me to remember. I'm not a bad player. Neither is steven, shea, DV, or A.D. I'm a smart guard, not the quickest or the slimiest but I have to have confidence, protect the ball, and be strong. Those 3 things are the key to my success. Period. I'm not growinf anytime soon but what I am doing is building on the foundation I have. I'm probably in ONE of the best shapes of my life, mentally and physically. Senior year people new I was slimmier n I got to be back to that form. And even better.

Anyway, I just wanted to smile because regardless of who I didn't against I had one of the best games of my life, shooting wise. I never thought I'd break my old record but I did. With pride.

Soo in the words of's on the next one. :)

P.S. Happy bday to my sister. We had a great day! Love u!

Remember Novemeber?

Hey yall,

Late for school, again. Which definitely isn't good. Grrr. Lol. Really have to prioritize everything. Anyway, had a pretty good weekend which I hope everyone did. Just went to a little house party and then passed out because I was sooo tired. For real. Like I knocked out by the time I got my hour back. Pretty cool to see people I haven't seen in a while, including marc and cory, who were my two closest friends growing up. Who I want to be apart of my life, even if it's distant like it is now. I always come by and show love.

And just to discuss a few things my friend cory has been in a relationship for 3 years with this girl and they just broke up. I don't want to give details about what I know about their relationship but regardless, 3 years is 3 years ya know. So I can't blame cory for being upset but HOPEFULLY whether it be the motivation to get her back OR the motivation to do better (and not make the same mistakes) he will try to go back to school, get a job, or do something with his life. he use to rap with me a long time ago, like when I was 13/14 but no one ever took it serious like me. But if anybody does and wants to make it their life like me than all you have to do is let me know. I never been the type to shun somebody away although I've been pushed away like my whole life but fuck it. That's life.

Second thing I wanted to discuss was november, just how I feel like this month is going to be hectic, a little emotional but overall good. Before I get into that I just want to say that I want to be in the hip-hop game in a certain way. I don't want to make a corny song that ends up getting radio play and then I get a crappy deal. NO! Fuck that. I do this hip-hop shit for the love and I want to be recognized by most people. Not everybody is going to like me but aslong as the big dogs respect me n I have a strong fan base FUCK IT.

Anyway, I can't believe it's novemeber already. Still a little shocking and overwhelming. For real. Last year, november left me sexless, upset, where I connected with Kanye West's 808 n heartbreaks, and I found charles hamilton. Music really depressed me but comforted me, for real. It does way more help than negativity. This time aroiund I know it's gunna be a good month though. So I'm excited.

Talk to you guys soon :)