Friday, February 26, 2010

Is Life Like A Movie?

Now I know what some people may think when they read the title. A movie is a fantasy, a reality but it's usually based on real life situations...sometimes exaggerated, sometimes down to the exact detail of a person or situation so if that's the case than maybe movies are like life. Which then means my title cannot be true. Either way that's what I'm asking and exactly how I'm feeling. I feel as if I am delusional. Is this really happening? Did this really happen? Do I feel way or that way?

I feel like a lot of things on a daily basis play with our true emotions, if we even have true emotions. Everyday struggles, life circumstances, traumatic experiences, infatuation, anger, and so much more happen so often, how in the world do we ever know how we, as people, are really feeling? How can we know.

Bi-polar is a term used on people who basically have split personalities but more like tempers. One day they angry, happy, with no happy medium. I feel like bi-polar is the extremist example because in MY reality, we all our bi-polar. All effected by our life experiences and other things. Women have periods, metapause, and what not. So how can they really tell how they are feeling. Men, at least the perception is, that we hide our feelings from one another and denying certain emotions ourselves.

Movies are the epitome of reality. We see our humane characteristics in movies. Some of us cry, get angry, get uncomfortable, laugh, imitate, when we watch movies because Ít relates to us in one way or another.

I feel like I'm living a movie right now especially when I get furious and/or take a step back and analyze certain situations. Is this really happening? How do I feel about this, etc. It's all very gloomy and sticky and confusing. To be honest it makes me wanna cry but yet forces me to be indifferent or at least act like it. A lot of times as people we don't realize what were doing to ourselves, to peers, to girlfriends until we take a step back and see it holy shit, I really do act like that. I've had moments like that. And right now I'm feeling very strange and uncomfortable. Maybe it's just the day, how things been going or maybe this is how I'm genuinely feeling about a situation.

I really love somebody. She may still be out there or she may not exist but I feel cold. I really do because no matter how vulnerable I let myself be to my friends or to girls I date, I'm still misunderstood and still not letting myself just go. I guess that happends when u get older and hurt and then realize you can't be naïve to the world around you...shit can happen and change and at times there's nothing, absolutely nothing you can do about it. I kind of feel that way now.

Why am I acting like this?

Have I really become cold to the world, immune. Now to the point I don't feel. I don't feel jealous. I don't feel love. I don't feel extremely happy. I'm just living to experience. Living without a true purpose. Idk what I'm doing in school. I've lost tons of motivation. I don't talk to my parents. I don't go to therapy much. I don't feel. I just do and go along with shit. Word, fuck it nigga. This is what I'm suppose to be doing. I don't have real opinions or many wants anymore. I'm just like here. Like whatever. Like a zombie.

Am I in pain? Or do I just not care anymore. But when people say they don't care they really do but it's just so deep down that the devil could nearly reach the feelings that they are hidding.

It's all very puzzling. Why I do what I do BUT why we all do what we do. Make decisions and regret them or realize that it wasn't exactly the best choice. Sometimes we feel our backs against the wall and all the pressue.

I can't really speak much more about it but hopefully u can relate and I don't make you depressed.I have a championship game tomorrow. Cross my fingers, I get this 2nd ring.

Goodnight yall

Sunday, February 14, 2010

The Necessity of Writing

*In the background is Lupe Fiasco's "Beaming" playing*

(In no way is this an attack or abuse or an intentional negative display of anyone)

Sometimes I speak by words, other times by silence
Sometimes it's poetry,
lyrical violence,
In my dome are sirens, going off non-stop, clocking the timing,
of what my mission is
But simply bitch, I'm trying to get it in,
Before the devil calls me up, next in line,
Before that happens, I gotta go colombine
Cause I'm out my mind, cause I'm out of mind
Simply out for mine, soon, be out of time, doomed, for enternity
I ain't 6'5, no professional jersey
Not remotely close to grammy worthy
But I serve thee, in uncertainty,
this is my dream, certaintly,
idol time, is my worst enemy,
Next to the angels who were sent for me
Thought she was heavenly,
Caring tendancies
But the fire in her eyes were from germany,
Holacaust relations, gassed my head up, so I could fall down
When I rise up, you fall now
Cause even in failure, I fall on the clouds, of comfort
So hopefully you are no longer my concern
In life's concert, I play john williams,
Critical acclaim times a couple million
But truly carrie, bradshaw, live your city life
While I close my eyes under some city lights
Off my silly wrongs, and witty rights
For all those long nights, intensions to just fight,
I too, tonight, will keep it under tabs
So gon grab a cab, call another man, put it on his tab
Tell him I hope he bags,
And that the happily ever life really ain't that sad
Somehow I know I won't be that bad
But if it wasn't for me, you wouldn't know the definition of swag...
Without me you wouldn't know the definition of swag

This may not be exactly the picture I wanted to paint but I have a lot of emotions floating and I feel like an old lady...face drooping. Stressed out. Years lost in my face. I'll explain a lot more in the next entry, I just needed to write exactly how I felt at the moment. I'm kind of really depressed because I'm in a state of confusion. Do I go with my gut and my therapist or do I go with my heart...?

Most of the time i know when I'm being manipulated...sometimes I can't see it because we're all blind to things at certain cases. And truthfully I'm tired of the name calling, so I'm going to take all the abuse or ignore it. Indifferent. I'm just drained, emotionally. By me continue going off about what I'm bothered for to you, is unneeded. I have my outlets to express my emotions. So thank you blog and blogger and twitter for an outlet.

Talk soon...

P.S. May have to write after my game. Yes I have a bball game on a sunday in brooklyn on valentines day.

And regardless of my sadness I hope everyone has a fantastic valentines day. Everyone deserves somebody to share this day with. Lots of my dad would say.

Thursday, February 4, 2010

Mood Ring/Anthem of the Day: "Say Something Baby"


Sometimes my subliminals tell it all!

"How could something so familiar, be so strange"
"Could of split the world of 50/50, now i'm at the 40/40 getting bitches typsy"
"i should go back to the one i started with, but this life is addicting and it's gon be hard to quit...yea"
Bonus: J.Cole Performance