Wednesday, March 31, 2010
I just wanted to put that bar up cause that shit is kinda dope and true. Not to take away anything from solange who is talented in her own way but damn...it's beyonce.
Anyway, today is the last day in march so I decided that I'm actually going to try and blog more...crazy, huh? I know. But today is finally a decent day. Like no rain. Very cloudy but I'm glad that it's nice. Like I previously stated I have a concert today which I'm hoping will be dope and extremely inspiring. I've been in my "zone" as of recently and am more determined than ever to kill everything and everything I do. Fuck what ya heard...ya heard!
Today started off pretty weird...slept bý myself for the first time since I was 18 years old but it was nice, a bit lonely. Ít was cool though. I woke up to a really good conversation early in the morning for 16minutes and like 14 seconds. It really made my day. Everytime I hear the voice...I just feel some sort of soothing. It's quite amazing. I been fantasizing a lot...but we won't get into that.
Anyway, from there I did my new workout and everytime I feel my chest getting shaped into muscle, it inspires me. I don't know if I'll ever be skinny or have a six pack BUT I do know that I can get muscular and stronger for basketball because I'm finding a way to fucking play next year...fuck all that bullshit. Seriously. Everything is mental and right now I'm mentally so on top of my shit.
That's why I wasn't phased when I had to wait about 30minutes at best buy when they couldn't take care of my transaction of two cds...because the computer froze. I'm not gunna sweat it tho.
Here comes my next dilemma though...my ex-best friend who I'm 99percent sure did not wish me a happy birthday (yet his gf did) and I texted him on his birthday is broke. He wants to come to the concert with me and my friend johnny and I have the money to give it to him but should I...I mean I have no job. This is the money I'm living off of right now. Also would he do that for me? That's what I wonder the most. Would he give me 20bucks if he had for an unforgettable night. A part of me says yes, the other part not so much. So I'm probably not gunna do it although the nice person in me wants to.
The last thing I wanted to touch upon was "death." This girl I went to highschool with, who I was never really close to or anything her brother died...who I apparently went to middle school with. It's crazy. A car accident, I believe. For the people who know me and have read my blog before, me and death aren't exactly friends. We don't really know eachother. I still feel sad but I'm more scared. It's kind of selfish because I don't wanna know what losing someone like that feels like. Ever. But I will. I hope it isn't ever sudden like that and I wanna wish the best to jackie and her family. That's all I can say, best wishes, prayers, and I hope that they will overcome and live life...
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
That's what it's been last couple days. I been writing music. I got a performance on saturday in my neighborhood. It's just an open mic but it should be a dope gathering. Make sure I get fucked up after my performance. Anyway, I haven't done shit. The rain is kinda depressing but I love rain still. I wish I was spending those rainy nights with someone but I can't. So chilling with my sister and my family is gunna be good enough for now.
Right now I'm in the "Lefreak" studio, hopefully about to do some work. I need to. Like real bad before my head explodes. Also the fact I have no job and my money keeps declining is defnitely NOT good. So I'm gunna go to my school this week and hand in an application. I feel like because I work at school everything will be real flexiable, so fuck it if I have to take the train home late, ya know. I've done it TONS of time before. 7.50 is not bad although I should apply to century 21 and see what they say...right? Fuck it.
Ironically an ex-teammate of mine works there. Someone who didn't like me for his own selfish reasons but that was 2 years ago, ya know? Fuck a grudge. I have none. I'm 2 championship rings in, 2 years on the bench in so whatever.
I'm really proud of myself for getting focused with music, school, and basketball/working out. Should be an interesting rest of the year and I HOPE I have "YOUR" support. You know who you are, who I'm talking to...so it's cool.
Time to get to work. #2010
P.S. Cop that new usher cd today along with the Meth, Rae, and Ghost cd!
Sunday, March 28, 2010
IS IT IMPOSSIBLE...
to achieve your dreams?
I'm reading all of these magazines, how guys barely older than me are blowing up and i'm really wondering can i achieve my dreams. It's a very difficult question and concept. Like i know accomplishing your dreams is possible, it's been done, but reading about people that have "made it" while sitting in a t-shirt, eating cereal, in college point, at 20years old...i can only imagine. People talk about realism. Realistic goals and for the most part i've always had that. I've always also stretched beyond that. Maybe what i accomplished though wasn't a lot, or enough, or BIG in the grand scheme of things. I mean i feel like i done something. I can make a list and go on. But do i compare myself? i can compare myself to the people i know but then i can compare myself to people who have achieved more at my age and a little older.
In lets say 2 years...can i be on stage rocking at XXL like some of the artists i'm going to see in a couple days, the same artists i'm reading about. The same people i've always admired. I mean i been doing music since i was like real young and now i'm in my 20's...like HOLY SHIT. A lot of people give up around these days. They have kids, accidently or not, they finish college, do a lot of shit. THe crazy part is that it's the MUSIC INDUSTRY.
I feel like i was born to do something special. I know i HAVE potiential. But a lot of people do and a lot of people are "rappers" and i KNOW a lot of people feel the same way i do. How am i going to make this happen...i'm more focused than ever to find out how but i don't know what else to do. I just gotta push and hopefully i'll find the connects, gain some people. I have to be optimistic and KNOW i'm going to make it.
For everytime i slept on a couch bed, for everytime i washed dishes after playoff basketball games until 12, to get 6hrs of sleep, to go school. For everytime i missed my mother and she was in Florida. When i was kicked out of my friend's house. For every single struggle i've seen people, my family, my friends, my loved ones been through... i do this for myself first but them next.
I just wanted to end it on some dope shit...individualism...check the video below.
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Also want to shout out Angelica Berry, whose birthday was 2 days before mine.
And Jasmine Campbell who's birthday was the day after mine.
Below, is a backstage look at the show i missed on my birthday. A show i really, really, wanted to go to. I'm a nerd when it comes to hip-hop, i must admit, and this would've been a nice start to my twenties but i'm sure they will be other opportunities and one day i'll be the one performing and some aspiring artist will want to see me and be upset they didn't get to go.
NEAKO ft. Shawn Chrystopher & Stalley (Live at SOBs 3.23.10) from Good*Fella Radio on Vimeo.This is Shawn Chrystopher's new mixtape which dropped on my birthday as well. Production by Woody on the 2nd track, who i hope to work with one day.
(Link from Shawn's site)http://honourrolestudent.com/The_Audition_EP.zip
(The Reason, last track on the mixtape)http://www.mediafire.com/?moz0omjzoy5
Also the video for "The Reason" can be found on youtube.
"Cause eventhrough my flaws, my love was always perfect"
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
FYI: New layout coming soon
"No matter how hard, the times may seem,
don't give up our plans, don't give up our dreams,
no broken bridges, could tare us down
Cause what we're searching for, will be found"
Monday, March 15, 2010
I've been dealing with a lot of emotions and I also feel snagged or slighted in a way. Sometimes I feel selfish about things. For example, music. Just some songs I wish I was the only one to hear and was the only one privaleged enough to share it. Anyway, life's been moving. I still have many of my bad habits that I'm really trying to break. I've done better with being late but obstacles really love fucking with my progress. My organization, timely matter in which i do things. I don't know. I've been doing a lot of half ass work and even when i feel i did a good job, i feel like it's not anywhere close to my best work. Everytime i get a new class and a previously unknown professor i would like to make an impression, a really good impression, especially when it comes to writing.
Writing is my life.
Cliche's are cliche's because many people have abused the phrase but that doesn't make the phrase untrue. Understand? If not, it's alright. I'm complicated like a woman. lol. So many emotions it's crazy. My mom is coming in town saturday morning. I'm kind of excited about that but i don't know i feel immune to the world sometimes. I'm ready for (ready?) almost anything that comes my way. I'm going to find a way to make things happen. Good things. For you, for me, for my family, for my loves, for my friends (friends?). Shit gets crazy. Intense. I usually depend on my blog and my music for negative/positive (negative more) expression but recently i have just been able to do it on my own...
does that mean i'm doing better? i don't know. It might just mean i'm more guarded, prepared, confident. But a lot of things hold me back. Rejection mainly. Rejection is a funny thing tho. I know what it feels like and maybe i should be a little more sympathetic towards it. When someone tells you they'll be waiting for you, something hard to believe but definitely possible. I've done it... doesn't mean i don't love them. I realize lust and needs sometimes go in front of love. I learned that a LONG time ago. It's crazy. Anyway, i'll just end it now. Things have been wild.
I forgot to mention my Brooklyn College sophmore season is officially over but we repeated and went to the NCAA tournament again. Next year hopefully we can exceed expectations. Especially myself. I've been sick recently although i have been working out again. Guess we'll see what happens. An entry on this will be posted soon.
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Yupppp (Trey Songz Voice)
"there's no much nonsense
it's on my conscience
i'm thinking baby i should get it out
and i don't wanna sound redundant
but i was wondering if there was something that you wanna know
(that you wanna know)
but never mind that we should let it go (we should let it go)
cos we don't wanna be a t.v episode (t.v episode)
and all the bad thoughts just let them go (go, go,"
And my personal favorite:
"hands down there will never be another one
i been around and i never seen another one
look at your style they ain't really got nothing on
and you out and you ain't got nothing on
baby you the whole package plus you pay your taxes
and you keep it real while them other stay plastic
you're my wonder women call me mr. fantastic
stop.. now think about it"
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
And even your happiest moments come with pain?
Honestly I know this month will be an unforgettable month but in a way I know I'd want to forget it. Shit is crazy. My team won their 2nd CUNY chip in as many years and I never really got a chance to celebrate. It also makes me feel shitty because I don't have a real part in it but I guess that's just how the ball rolls.
But honestly its always an obstacle over another one. That's just what life is. Last time I wrote about emotions well now I'm wriitng about circumstances. I really don't have much to say though besides the obvious. No reason to let other people ruin moments that may only come around once and that you may remember for your whole life.
That's always kind of been the case with me. I sacraficed and also unwillingly have not fully enjoyed some of the pleasures in life. Even now I get harrassed and attacked.
I feel as if I am one of the most genuine nice people, if you really get to KNOW ME. I do wrongs like everybody else but I try not to bring any added drama to myself. I knoe drama and all too well and I need to avoid him as much as possible.
Ever since highschool I never really invisioned a future. Thinking about the future use to drive me crazy. Thinking about this thing and that thing. Now I focus on the NOW, focus on the near future but not what my life will be like. I have learned to neglect that once bothersome thought because I don't know what happens. No matter what someone says to you or whatever, everyday changes and I and we have to be ready for that.
One thing I don't like is an invasion of privacy. I don't have much to hide except maybe one or two big secrets but besides that I let my life be known and if I ever took the time to realese my music, you'll realize I'm not scared to show who I really am...when I write. But still checking my status, looking on my page, making up lies or excuses, checking my email is really unacceptable. I am a victim and a culpret of that. When you love and lose trust and have been hurt that's what you do. You become a person you don't want to be and I'm so glad I'm not him anymore.
Our decisions are hard to do, explain and understand. We have emotions that fuck with us, people that fuck with us, and sometimes we just lose it. Literally we lose it. I try to be rational and I try to be calm and very understanding but people take advantage of that and I don't want anyone thinking they can do that. No one.
So I think this entry is done. It's structureless like life. Unpredictable. Confusing. Edgy. But it's what I'm dealing with.