Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Michael Jackson



Above is a tribute that chris brown, diddy, boyz II Men, and The Game created. It's the video. You can find the mp3 online if you like it, it's deep. Chris Brown sounds a little wierd to me, like they should've had him dancing and had someone with a more mellow voice sing the chorus but FUCK IT. i respect that he came out and did it.

Also, a rapper named Esso is remixing michael jackson's whole "off the wall" album for it's 30th anniversary on august 30th. I'll post the video and audio because unlike other rappers i respect my generation and people who can spit.

Last, i'm working on my own michael jackson tribute. the video is recoreded but i'm probably not going to just put it up. i rather make it something BIG (only if i can) than do something small for someone so BIG. so just give me until the end of the week SOMETHING will be up. i promise. And when it is, just take the time to promote it a bit out of your heart....

P.S. this tribute might make you cry. It's deep. a well edited video


P.P.S i got some issues to address about things so look for more entries but for now... here you go

P.P.P.S Oh the boy in 1993 that accussed him of "touching him" admitted he lied. :) interesting huh?

Friday, June 26, 2009

JUNE 25, 2009 -Michael Joseph Jackson passed away but his memory lives on forever. I'm crying for you MIKE. YEA i'm oding FOR THE KING OF POP





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(tell me why even in 2000 his videos were epic)













Alright, well i think i got enough. I'm going to leave this entry up for a while. LOVE IT and enjoy. Sorry if i forgot anything
(we interrupt the schedule program to say: i'm watching BET right now and just got chillz watching "Rock My World" i feel eleven right now, tearing a bit. not gunna lie. We love you mike, this one is for you homie. I'm a roll one up for you and from now on only make positive music)

Thursday, June 25, 2009

PLEASE LISTEN TO THIS...THEN reLISTEN TO IT.

THis is 2009 hip-hop. It's not even hip-hop, it's NU Hop (shouts to CH) on some dead serious shit. I love this NEW generation. I think we can change it. I just need the right/write back up. Check it out.
It's REALLLLYYYY GOOODDDD!

KidduNot.com [B.o.B vs. Bobby Ray Listening Party] Atlanta from KidduNot.com on Vimeo.
AND from last time

(look at those eyes and those lips...)

Enough Said...M.Fox = My New Love

What is it with me and these "white" girls... lol

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Resurrection

Hey yall,

I finally commented on people's pages and shit cause I finally have a computer. Shouts to Audrey with the consistency on her blog, it's a really hot blog. 4real. Real interesting.

Yesterday I went in the studio and recorded another two tracks. If I'm lucky I'll get another shot to record tomorrow. Hopefully 3 more tracks.

God damn that's a milf. Lol. Sorry zoned out haha.

But idk how I feel about the songs I been recording. Maybe I'm my toughest critique cause I don't like listening to myself. I don't think my music is presentable and I feel people feel the same way about it. Like it's totally different writing lyrics compared to writing, flowing, going into the booth, editing, mixing. It's mad crazy.

Google J.Cole by the way, graduate from st.john's, got signed by jay-z, just dropped a mixtape. He's pretty ill.

I think I have so much more to develop.

And officially I'm scrapping the name most likely to succeed and going to be TBA on a release date. Fuck it. It's better for me.

And I've been feeling really shitty lately. Tired. Drained. But like It has it's positive being like that. And everyday I'm going to sleep at 5.

Whatever. Short entry. Going to work. :) lata

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

REacquainted

So I'm continuing the trend of adding RE to my entries. I been od slacking with this blog shit, while I stay on twitter. (Twitter.com/jamdreams) holla at me lol.

Anyway, Charles Hamilton's still been mad quiet for like two weeks I think. Idk just feels mad long but his good friend said he's fine so that's wassup.

FYI I actually been thinking very positively lately about shit in my life. Some people still make me mad and I'm still very angry/sad about several situations in my life but fuck it right? That's why I haven't seen mad people in soo long. I been in CP chillen the last week or two. I think it's bringing me peace just I got to get back on my grizzy/workout shit. (Side note: Marc please come through)

Leaving July 5th for the palm tree state. I just recorded new music which I haven't been able to vibe with yet. Yall might be getting a quick 16 drop from me this week or next week. I'm deadass going to the studio tomorrow, wenesday, and thursday. I don't give a fuck man. My goal is to record another 6-8 songs before the end of the week, maybe more cause the dude is fucking on vacation next week. GRRR. I need a new studio though deadass. Something that won't put a whole in my pocket.

And I need new beats. :/ original. Somebody holla at me plllleeeaaasseee.

(Side note: why r girls bitches?)

Lol. Just a last note (I promise to write more)

My mom is sad and might be getting a divorce a second time. So I shout you out because I don't want you to go into a depression again. BUT plz get therapy ma. U need it. I love you.

Also I haven't seen my dad in mad long and need my taxes. I'm a cry if I don't get it this week.

Night folks. LOVE YALL. Bloggers 4 Life

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Re-energize

All the titles I'm going to use are going contain re in it somehow. For this rebirth of positive, creative, and constructive lifestyle I'm going to live. I guess in the words of charles hamilton I'm trying to live "this perfect life."

Damn, I really would like to work with the people he works with. I wanna do a song with him and charles and show. I have the money but I can't be spending that kind of money. :(

Okay, sooo music, music, music. I'm going to the studio tonight with Mike probably not recording anything but hopefully I can make some music. You know what's crrrrraaazzzzy I never realized how many fucking songs I have in my notebook, on my computer and in my blackberry. I probably have like 4 mixtape worth of materials but I just need at least one to come out. Ya dig?

I wanna start jamyoung.blogspot.com so I'll keep this as for my inner thoughts and keep the other one for...lol I don't know just feel like it could be the main blog probably is I have a song called "itsallgoodevenwhenitaint" which basically promotes this blog with A LOT of personal shit. But whatever right?

I'm a put the link to show tufli's new project. I'm waiting on 50cent's street album dropping at eleven tonight.YOOOOOO I'm mad excited about this 50's new project. No features. Ten tracks. Concept is dope. Could 50 Cent be back to his old ways aka good music? I hope fucking soo.

My goal for next week 3 sessions at the studio for a possible 3 hours each session. I'm going in and dropping MAD shit. Going hard. Fuck everything else. I listen to myself and don't really hear or see the big deal but I have to really believe in myself and grind hard. Sooo let's do this.

And thanks Jayo cause I understand a lil more now about flowing. I respect it. That's why you sounded mad ill on party and bullshit. I'm a lyrisct and I think that's why pick it up isn't picking it up. It's cause of the flow. LYRICALLY that track is ill "shawty the way you moving, I'm diggin it
Wanna treat you like a minor, and "dig in it"
But I ain't no minor when I'm spitting it
Or when I'm souring up your ligaments, yea I'm feeling it"

Haha.

Okay so I know I have to work on the flow but c'mon listen to my lyrics motherfuckers. I'm a be a pppprrrroooobbbblllleeeemmmm. And I don't really use hood metaphors I use like complex shit.

"shhhh I am it, take away the I am, that's me, the shit.
Get it?"

Soo anyway and I gotta work out next week for sure. Cause I know I'm getting fat and I'm wasting time n what not. So monday I'm back on my grizzzy as for everything. This week is more social and the warm-up (J. Cole!) Haha

Okay won the basketball yesterday but like 16. I had 8 points. 3/4 shooting. I am a scorer. I just need to prove Ít.

Later...till tonight

Monday, June 15, 2009

Rebirth

Hey yall,

It's been one of those days, well the last couple of days have been "one of those days" haha get it? No. Fuck it. It's just like I WANT to blog but I don't know how to express myself and my thoughts correctly; the way I want to be presented.

That's why music can be very fustrating because of all of the shit that goes on... In making it. WRITING and COMPOSING a Good(scratch that) GREAT song are two completely different things. So let's update my somewhat useless week last week:

Monday: Basketball game (2games) first game I probably dropped 21points but I don't know because no one kept score. :/ still haven't scored twenty points since I was like 14. WOW. Second game 2 points like 8asts and a 20 point win. :) the first game was a little more fun though.

*side note: the entry is called re-birth because I'm trying to fix my life and this is the beginning. Ya dig? And I officially believe that if you put ur mind to something it doesn't mean you can achieve it. I don't think this is pesstimistic just realisitic.

Tuesday: nothing. Left my housr at 6, dropped off a game, got my ass busted in bball that's it.

Wenesday: Ooo went to David Munoz's house to help make beats for my project. He made one, not the single but a banger for sure. Then he made another beat, Jayo came over, we were about to make a song then the computer fucked up. Then we got fat (ate mexican food, like a lot), played call of duty basically ALL DAY and that's it. BLAH.

Thursday:uhhh went to the park I think again and went to my job eventhough I didn't work and saved cathy n david from their misery lol. Stayed there for mad long. suppose to chill with sebastian but nah.

Friday: went to rfk, which was cool nd weird. Then had red mango (delicious) with cathy n stephanie rubino. We just chilled in main st and did mad hs activities. Then I was gunna go to the studio but the guy didn't text me back. So I ended up getting into a bar and fucking drank like 4 glasses of cranberry and vodka with no much to eat with marc and I was kind of done. Not FUCKED UP but drunk. :) I was chilling with mad people I haven't seen since I was like 14/15/16 I don't exactly remember but it was crazy. Then we got kicked out cause one of my drunk friends like tried to start a fight, his stepfather and mom came and kicked out everyone underaged lol. Which was like 80 percent of the bar and I bounced ONLY because my bag was in the dudes car. Haha. It was cool. "No further details boy"

Saturday: suppose to see hangover. Couldn't cause of some b.s. Then ended up staying in collegeg point n kinda hanging out for a bit.

Apparently I seem needy, on someone's shit, or obsessive. Fuck it. won't even elaborate on that.

Yesterday:just work, me and drey wanted to die but the sushi and just feeling like he was one of my closest friends again made me really happy. Cause on some brother shit, I love david. In hs I tried mad hard to help him and I do worry about him. But when he wants to be helped he will be. Right? Yea man. So then I watched the lakers win at home drinking pina coloda in a mad hot living room.

That pretty much explains it.

In order to move foward you have to get the past off your chest.

Now I didn't start off today well, I tried but failed. Fuck it, I'm still keeping a very big positive mentality.

*side note: if ppl don't like me...girls and guys alike fuck it. I finally understand that I don't understand myself completely along with life BUT to other people I'm really misunderstood but that's because we grow up differently and see life differently.

Yesterday david told me "no, there's not a lot of people in the world like you." Thanks for that D I really appreciate that. Cause it's both negative and positive. To be cliche: nobody in life is perfect or flawless so fuck it. I'm a just be myself. And if I get hated like charles hamilton and so many other human beings sooooooo be it. Ya dig it!

Cause I do. I think I just needed a tune up and here it is. No rushing anything. Just going with the flow...

P.S. I think never change is my illest song to date. FEEL ME

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Emotional Distress

*Shouts to Deville for the
comment. Dead ass it made my yesterday :) (cause I had another ehhh day) and has started today off really
eryll. Hopefully (another semi-smile).

Watching George Lopez. Another new episode or another episode I never saw.

This week buying season 3 of two and a half men and the new mos def cd.

Did anybody see the lakers lose... :(
Orlando shot lights out but the lakers STILL could've won. Whatever. Good for the fans, we have more games to watch.
What would my life be without a basketball?...

(I hate.....) Not gunna finish that. Just very frustrated.

Sooo today I cancelled on my father again which is extremely fucked up and I don't know why I do it. By doing it I'm being just as bad as him, except I don't have a zillion kids. Although my grandfather doesn't call me a kid or whatever anymore. I am a man and I know how to take care of myself but MY dad is still suppose to take care of me. Anyway,

Why is it I feel so weird about everything. Especially hanging out with people I don't normally hang out with. I don't understand it but it's maybe because I meet so many weird people.

I really like (insert name) and he should be a really good music/business partner but I feel so weird with him. Is our direction of music the same? Our upbringing isn't. Our pleasures are a bit different. The way we condone business and act in life is extremely different. He does take care of mad people and is mad nice but idk, it's just weird. Especially the "anger" factor.
Maybe I'm slow...maybe I'm not well mannered. Idk but apparently a lot of "older" people have a problem with me. I really try and be polite and even more than that but I guess it doesn't work. Maybe I'm not "mature" anymore which would make sense why (x, y, and z) feel a certain way about me. But you know what fuck it. I only have myself, this blog, music (kinda), basketball (kinda), and a few wonderful readers who I feel more connected to than to a lot of other people in the world.

"Soho sushi" I think I'm going to go there soon. With who? I don't know.

Also, one of my favorite rappers is getting penalized for so many "mistakes" or "missteps" in his young career. I'll post it up tomorrow and comment on other blogs. I'm sorry I have been slacking!

Last, Happy Birthday to Tiffany Chung and Julian C. I'm probably going to do a small dedication entry to you guys cause I have the utmost respect for you too.

Hit me on twitter...

Love yall

P.S. Might do a song with a dude named Jay Burna in Florida. I'm a do my research and talk to him before I meet with him but it should be crazzzzyyy.

Night

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Question Of The Day

Am I too boring, too negative, or too needy?




I think I'm dying....

And f.y.I sometimes (like a poem) one sentence is all that is need to summarize a blog entry. It's my thesis statement lol.

Still haven't gotten my last grade yet. Just makes me nervous as hell.

JULIAN and TIFF happy early birthday. I got yall manana.

Holla @ J@M

I Have Another Crush on Someone Else's GirlFriend

....


Get the point yet?




Speechless

One of My Favorite Drinks

Had a little homemade one yesterday...
Ain't nothing fucking like it!!!
(Taco Bell Commmerical)

It's actually mad banging, had the strawberry one the other day. About to go try the regular one once i get the fuck out of the house!
Here's the original song:


Side Note:(tear drop...oh well got to move on)

Charles Hamilton-3PerfectSongMixtape (download link)
http://www.zshare.net/download/6108934030cb484d/

Depressed Melody

Alone... Alone...

I ain't got nobody

Alone... Alone...

I ain't got nobody

I'm stoned... Stoned

I just want to feel somebody

Home... Where's home

When you ain't got nobody

The anxiety, depression creeping up behind me like a shadow

So where can I run? Where shall I go? My heart hollow and my words to shallow, pride already swallowed, and all I can do is wallow, in denial
And drink half of this bottle

With herbs already in my lungs
And thoughts of already being hung like a black man in 50's
But any attempt would be risky
Especially after some whisky
Well why is the devil wispering, tampering in my ear

telling me all the dark thoughts I would like to here

Where is my saint? My angel?
Where is my soulmate? Or my halo?

Impatient as fuck. My mind just needs to give up
Needs to leave me alone it's driving me nuts

Hearing too many voices, feel the flames burning my skin

But this is how it is being in my skin

Lost...

No button to pause...

Overeaction is just my reaction
Cause I feel no satisfaction
...

I am the new Michael Jackson

A fraction or any amount of subtraction from my imagination

Might heal this situation

Death

Alone... Alone...

I ain't got nobody

Alone... Alone...

I ain't got nobody

I'm Stoned... Stoned

I just want to feel somebody

Where's home... Home

When you ain't got nobody

I'm gone

Monday, June 8, 2009

Letter to my future girl...

Flowers, candy, everything you deserve
Shelter, water, even the L word

Once I mean it, feel it, everything I do will be our secret, just keep on the secret, until I take it off
So I can treat you like a kit kat and break it off

Never go soft when I'm with ya, never a real loss when I'm with ya, ying to my yang, yes baby I fit cha, even the seconds your gone, I miss ya

It's really ridiculous, especially when we fuss and cuss over nothing important
But arguments, can't avoid it
And your heart can't avoid this, there's a void, if you ain't my miss, anybody hurt you, they on my hit list
the world is my witness, to my testament of love
the test is when I can put nothing above, you

Not the clouds or the sky, cause they are your pillows when you sleep

And I will be your warmth, your sheets,
Our bond is deeper than an obis
Deeper than the blond when I slice my wrist

Cause it always heals back.

And what's true is what I feel for you
Because I know if another man touched you
I would kill for you,
I hope that's real for you

Just know...

I will always try my hardest, even if I'm not not the smartest, or can't provide you a real big house with a garden
But I can commit to a promise or promises, of continous lovely shit, that no other man can ever give

Even when I'm broke and down on my self
I will take care of your health and provide you anything else...

Mainly the little things that get overlooked
Not the fancy resturants that are overbooked

So let me steal your heart like a valentine's day crook

And cook you up, a life of perfection

Just tell me if this letter is going the right direction

...

Actions speak louder than words so let me show you

Sunday, June 7, 2009

Death is on the horizon...

I'm fucking exhausted and drowsy. No medicine and barely any liquor. I'm writing this entry while at work or more like on a minor break from work...

SORRY DAVID! Lol. I just feel the need to be blog since I feel the grim reaper's hand on my shoulder. Meaning he's coming to get me...

Dudoo is exactly how I'm feeling.

Update 1: no recording this past week and I only worked out partly one day. I feel my stomach growing and I see the cuts on my chest evaporating. And I'm suppose to be confident in my swag huh? Yea...

BUT I hear being aggressive (not to aggresive) is the way to go. I use to think otherwise but apparently that train of thought is wrong! Fuck it, right? Sooo I'm slowly learning how to be aggressive which means I have to text (insert common name). Ahhh stressed lol.

Next update:
No single yet. Nothing yet. And to be honest I think I want a new title, most likely to succeed isn't really working out for me. I'm kind of bored of it. O need a title that will STANDOUT...

"Transitioning from fitting in to standing out" -Drake

Yea. Waiting online at taco bell? Do I really want taco bell? Actually I don't. I'm going to get my grilled chicken sandwhicy from mcds.

By the way I want to see hangover sooooooooooooo bad! It's honestly ridiculous.

And I want to go on vacation to DC or chicago. I know it's going to happen I just have to (cheerleader voice) BE, BE AGGRESSIVE. :)

Yea man. Or yes man like Jim Carey.

And on an unrelated side note: I like autotune. I do. Not gon front.

But Jay Is here to kill it and I'm with it.

D.O.A -death of autoune. Type it in google and DOWNLOAD THAT BITCH.

More entries coming soon.

Pe@ce!

Still Growing

Idk if I'm grown up enough to...wish you love

Thursday, June 4, 2009

Apology

Sorry for the rant. I'm not suppose to be up right now and after this entry I swear I'm going to bed. I just idk I needed to blog. Sorry about the big mess and guck I just put out there the last two entries prior to the kanye video.

I need/ed a release. It's crazy. Maybe once basketball and music pop off I'll be sooooo much better. My cold is alright just got to get rest again tonight. Another ten hours and I should be alright. Wooo. This week or two is going to be long. Mad recording and fixing up shit.

This is the plan:
Copyright lyrics
2 interviews;one before and after the release of the mixtape
Find a host
Make business cards
take off 2 videos on youtube;replace one with Uptown edited.
Photoshoot.
Create two videos.
Dat piff.com.
New blog.
Internet flyers.
Figure out the single.
Send the mixtape to Rhymestyle aka Hip-Hop State of Mind*
Send it to two other small blog sites.
Send it to everyone on facebook and myspace and then some.
Goal:1,000downloads by the month anniversary
Success:600downloads by month's end
Honest reviews; via the blog site.
Find 2-5 location spots.
Throw a end of the summer party.
Get an interview at brooklyn college radio.

God damn, right? Now is that promoting or what? I think/hope so. I'll problem drop a couple more freestyles on the net.

I'm thinking...

August 18 or the 25th to be safe.

The single I'm going to try and go to some internet radios as well as college radio. So let's gooooooooo

Got to take this alka seltzer cold plus, lmao.

Today I went to work and got gwopp!!! Yay!

Going to bed wish me betterness.

Most Likely II Succeed...

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Spaceship: If I Could Fly Away

Kanye West New (old) Video Leak...It's fire

Part 2: Forces of Nature

Right now I have a cold and have just woken up from my long sleep.

Quick Note: I was fucking furious this morning because at 9:11 in the morning my grandmother wakes me up to move me into my aunt's room because I am an accomodation. They allow me to sleep in their home so when they need the living room, sleepy or sick, I have to be awaken from my sleep and start over. MORE bullshit.

Also I'm living in a 20th century house but living the 21st century life. Everday I get lectured and told I should be asleep around 11:30 all the way to I eventually go to sleep. My grandparent's and aunt alll wake up during the middle of the night and complain or shake their heads when I'm up. Making me feel guilty as fuck. It's bulllshit!

Back to what I was saying in the last entry:

Sooo I just have to add this first. In high school there's soo much going on that as a person you feel triumphant in life especially since everyone is pushing for you to graduate and etc.

In college it's different, not really a god damn soul carrying, caring, pushing, watching you do anything. If your having a hard time there's no life, no perseverence ain't shit but your self. I guess that's a part of growing up. Everything is on you and there's no one to give a fuck about you. Give a fuck about your grades or anything really. It's all (jonathan) you, or nothing...

Back to the inevitable. Basically you can't trust anyone, can't believe anyone, can't invest so much time, care, and emotion into people. Because you never know. How everything will play out...

One minute they're telling you how honest they can be with you and how they want to tell you the WHOLE TRUTH, the next minute they're not. Aka they're a different person.

To be honest I don't know what I'm really angry for, let's break down all the possible scenarios why...

It could be because I STUPIDLY tHought, something good/amazing was going on. I maybe thought that we were a team, a team means everything is equal and we help out eachother, but that wasn't true.

It could be that I trusted you like I probably never trusted anybody before and lost that trust. Which kind of steps into helping me instead of pushing me away.

I think all the above can be all put in the "pushing me away category." Frankly I don't know who you are, who you want to be, what you want, who you want to be with. Basically everything. And by pushing me away, I'm kind of trying to stay away. Cause maybe all those ppl who TOLD ME THINGS were on the verge to the truth.

And being pushed away is probably the most damaging thing for a person. For example-

My mother left to florida because she hated new york, hated my father, hated the problems, and wanted an escape. She married a younger man (ten years to be exact) who liked her since I met him. My mother had an idea which would be in the children's best interest. Take my little sister, give my father the middle one, and let me live with my grandparents (who now live in ecuador). This was when my father took my mom to court for custody because she was trying to split us up. Trying to split up the children which already tilts in my father's favor. With my mom so posed on leaving her old life to start a new one, she literally just gave up in court, gave up infront of everyone, gave us up for her new life. My mom was tired of throwing a fist and a jab to defend herself and defend her children. And that means...she gave up on us. The little people she brought into this world, she gave up on. YUP. Then she got mad at us, at my dad and my stepmom.

Now bringing 5 children into a small household with two, not even married yet, parents with so many problems of their own, wasn't the best situation. I don't think.

Truthfully, I'm forgetting the point of bringing it up so I'm going to re-read what I wrote but by the way the three of us are split up anyway, and sort of misreable in our own sense.

Okay, it's the pushing away. My mom pushed us away and then ended up going psycho for it. And it hurt all of us being seperated and seeing my mom just be somebody totally different then who we (I) thought she was.

Anyway, it's been like 8months shouldn't I be over it? Actually it's been 9 months shouldn't I be over it?

And with my dad I don't even know if I can blame him for the lack of communication, lack of attention, help, and whatever else you can think of with me. He's always extrememly busy and then when i started getting older I picked my "friends" over him because I was growing up and getting into girls.

I use to call my dad, my friend. I told him that one year and then the next year I just told him that he was my dad and I think he was a little hurt by it. And you know when you're little and your best friend is a family memeber than later you drift a part because you get older and go through stages well...the parent must feel sad, anger, fustration, and confusion and that's the best way I can describe my feelings.

Sure in the bigger picture or in the skeme of things, at least their here and I can cherish them when I can. BUT itks human nature to want more. To fix things, to realize things, to make a good situation improve. Because there's always something you can improve on, right?

Or is that just another WRONG cliche?

I think I'm just hurt cause I push people away because they leave. And this is what I deal with. This confusion everyday. And constantly thinking about someone who isn't a family member just makes it worse. I don't put all the blame on that sitaution, I just think that THAT was my last positive thing that went sour.

This is my point of view.

Fin

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Ranting In Order To Figure Myself Out & Move On

First, I'm a fucking emotional fucker.

Now that, THAT is out the way let's go on...

Since this is my ultimate venting space, then here we go.

I am angry, maybe not at the world but at soooooo many things. I believe that this anger holds people back subconciously and I think for the most part it's true. I hold myself back a lot. I have an extremely unconfident, low self esteem, issue.

I hate the fact that family wise we just don't have much money. Money probably just enough to survive. All my life it's been like that but it was different. We still had money (I think) to live it up a bit, just a bit.

Meaning this is just bullshit. I know I'm not the oÑly one who feels this way. Maybe when you're little you don't realize that money is ever an issue but I guess it was.

When I was little my parents were evicted, then when I got older my mom and dad both lost their jobs at different times for different reasons. My grandparent's put their name on the house. My aunt's been broke. Blah blah blah. Yea.

To be honest though, I don't want a god damn soul pittying me. Why? Because I only use all of this bullshit around me to persevere. Always. Especially in highschool. I guess in the back of your mind everything pyschologically fucks with you.

"Everyone has problems and you shouldn't hold on to it" and blah blah blah. I cannot see life that way. SORRY. I give helping hands. Money, ear, love, shoulder if someone needs it. I ask and I hope that if someone needs it that they WOULD ask even if they don't want to.

Anyway, that's why I'm angry. I'm angry. I'm sad underneath. Damn straight I am. I wear it on my sleeves like a fucking coat or an iverson band (from back in the day) and you know what? Rather than hiding it like normal fuckers I wear that shit like my fucking skin. Cause it is my skin. I keep going. There are things in life that make me happy. A lot of things are hard to obtain because even the so-called happy things carry luggage, carry BULLSHIT.
Love carries the biggest bullshit.

You know what I realized? Nothing is fun subconciously when your in love with someone you can't be with. And it drags on you. I really think it does. You can fuck girls, go out with girls, go out with your boys, go to a strip club, get drunk, get high, have crushes on other girls (people) but u know what, at the end of the day, YOU'RE STILL IN LOVE with someone you CANNOT HAVE and CANNOT LOVE. YUP. Subconciously, it fucks around with you. Dead ass. Especially being in a relationship and than being free from one. BEING single has it's perks like things in life, but when you like being in a relationship and you like being with that one person you love it is completely different. The key word is love. Over meaningless. All these girls that you meet are meaningless unless somehow they can grab your undivided attention in order to somehow help you get over the girl you're in love with.

Which opposes a thousand other questions? Does love ever truley go away? Can you really get "over" someone you love? Can you fall in love with more than one person AND how many times can you REALLY fall in love?

With these questions it's impossible to figure out anything, especially when you are in love. And unlike these movies we watch, who have ppl fall in love countless times it's not like that. Also, for example, like in nick and norah's playlist, NICK was NOT in love with the girl he was initally with. He just really liked her and she was his first everything I guess but it's not the same as being in love. When you're in love every fucking rule, life situation gets twenty bazillion times more complicated. It's really just bulllllllsssshhhhhiiiiit.

Okay I know I sound like some fucking sitcom or a fucking into to some chick flick but what I'm saying is a hundred/thousand percent true.

And soO I am mad. I am angry because everyone around me (family and love wise) has evaporated. I like being alone sometimes. I like being able to write music in peace. I like that shit but at the same time it's hard.

My father who I probably have the biggest complex with is the most difficult of them all.

And what's the biggest bullshit in the world is that people who get hurt have to be understanding because forces bigger than themselves have taken over and created a course.

When your parent's get divorced there's nothing you can do about it.
When the women/male you love leaves to figure themselves out, there's nothing you can do about it.
When your mother leaves to another state, nothing you can do about it.
When your dad was always working and continues to take care of a few billion kids there's nothing you can do about it.
When you're separated from your sister's nothing you can do about it.

It's kind of like death.
Nothing you can do about it except letting everything take it's course.

Whatever, I can't even finish this...

Later