This will probably be my last post of the month. This month like i said has been very hectic so next month expect me to be back on my A game. I just wanted to post this video for all my original fans who bought "A Reason 2 Believe" and those who missed out. This is my first love song and i wanted to share it with you guys. Put it on YouTube on some bullshit but whatever. Hope you enjoy it (and the video is a result of listening to my old self and being bored :)...enjoy)
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Unfinished Blogniss
Hey yall,
Told you guys I'd be back. Had a decent sleep. Weird dreams that I don't remember exactly. But I remember the feeling sooo yea lol. I just got a hair cut so my long hair and mohawk is gone but I'm sure it will be back soon and I'll actually try to put it up. That's what spring is for but until then I have to switch it up because I'm a very supersticious person. Maybe if my hair is back to how it's suppose to be everything might go better. I have a lot of things to fix and work out this semester soooo I gotta get ready to face it but I need a clean slate...so tomorrow's going to be VERY busy as well a tuesday.
Anyway, to finish what I was saying yesterday...I guess cause school started my body is getting reacquainted and it's been a real strain. Tired and lazyness has corrupted me once again as well as more problems. Now unlike the past I'm not really going to overanalyze too much or get too dramatic but idk. We'll see. Just last couple days haven't been well. Started on wenesday...
On wenesday was when I couldn't hit a jumpshot. I missed 4 free throws in a row after the previous weeks not missing ONE. It was pretty crazy and that transitioned into play the next day when my team played berkeley college who is terrible because their whole team has just freshmens. Soo that game, the bench (includes me) knew we were gunna play a lot and usually I'm at ease with this but maybe because it was a home game, I didn't really wanna play, and I was mentally fucked from sleep, school, and the practice before. I really felt like I played horrific. The whole bench looked awful to the point, we know WHY we are on the bench...make sense?
I couldn't control the ball for shit and I missed 3 free throws in a row. That has never happend in my whole life and by missing those three freethrows I avoided getting a career high 6 points in the game. I did end up in a highlight reel for my only bucket on BC12 (which I didn't see, my boy DV told me) but I rather have had a good game and confidence booster than a "highlight." I should appreciate it though, it's better than nothing. Friday the free throw woes continued. But before I go into that, after the game I shot about 40 free throws after the game. I just couldn't believe I missed so many. I think I got it back though...I just gotta "trust the followthrough" lol (thanks darnell!) So friday, school was whatever and practice was okay. I just gotta believe and keep going. Friday night wasn't so cool, got into an argument with some friends and was not happy which transitioned into last night's very unhappy day for the most part.
I had a game against lehman which brought back memories of when I played there and high school and was too scared to take my team to victory. I don't think people realize my psyche and what I know I can do compared to what I show. But whatever. It was wierd but nice. We won and that's all that matters. We're 14-5 and on a nine game win streak. Nobody's fucking with us but I still feel hella wack! At ball and rap but I'm gunna try. I just know I deserve to play somewhere and have to figure it out.
I'm gunna try to be positive and hop in the shower. Thanks for reading. :)
Ttys
Told you guys I'd be back. Had a decent sleep. Weird dreams that I don't remember exactly. But I remember the feeling sooo yea lol. I just got a hair cut so my long hair and mohawk is gone but I'm sure it will be back soon and I'll actually try to put it up. That's what spring is for but until then I have to switch it up because I'm a very supersticious person. Maybe if my hair is back to how it's suppose to be everything might go better. I have a lot of things to fix and work out this semester soooo I gotta get ready to face it but I need a clean slate...so tomorrow's going to be VERY busy as well a tuesday.
Anyway, to finish what I was saying yesterday...I guess cause school started my body is getting reacquainted and it's been a real strain. Tired and lazyness has corrupted me once again as well as more problems. Now unlike the past I'm not really going to overanalyze too much or get too dramatic but idk. We'll see. Just last couple days haven't been well. Started on wenesday...
On wenesday was when I couldn't hit a jumpshot. I missed 4 free throws in a row after the previous weeks not missing ONE. It was pretty crazy and that transitioned into play the next day when my team played berkeley college who is terrible because their whole team has just freshmens. Soo that game, the bench (includes me) knew we were gunna play a lot and usually I'm at ease with this but maybe because it was a home game, I didn't really wanna play, and I was mentally fucked from sleep, school, and the practice before. I really felt like I played horrific. The whole bench looked awful to the point, we know WHY we are on the bench...make sense?
I couldn't control the ball for shit and I missed 3 free throws in a row. That has never happend in my whole life and by missing those three freethrows I avoided getting a career high 6 points in the game. I did end up in a highlight reel for my only bucket on BC12 (which I didn't see, my boy DV told me) but I rather have had a good game and confidence booster than a "highlight." I should appreciate it though, it's better than nothing. Friday the free throw woes continued. But before I go into that, after the game I shot about 40 free throws after the game. I just couldn't believe I missed so many. I think I got it back though...I just gotta "trust the followthrough" lol (thanks darnell!) So friday, school was whatever and practice was okay. I just gotta believe and keep going. Friday night wasn't so cool, got into an argument with some friends and was not happy which transitioned into last night's very unhappy day for the most part.
I had a game against lehman which brought back memories of when I played there and high school and was too scared to take my team to victory. I don't think people realize my psyche and what I know I can do compared to what I show. But whatever. It was wierd but nice. We won and that's all that matters. We're 14-5 and on a nine game win streak. Nobody's fucking with us but I still feel hella wack! At ball and rap but I'm gunna try. I just know I deserve to play somewhere and have to figure it out.
I'm gunna try to be positive and hop in the shower. Thanks for reading. :)
Ttys
It May Be DownHill From Here
As I am extremelÝ tired and with alicia keys' "love is blind" playing in the background I write this entry:
First thing before I write...I just wonder what my uncle mike would think or say. Weird that I think of him when it comes to advice because he really is the only guy, with enough experience, who's just old enough that I'll listen to. Eventhough sometimes, like I've stated previously, I make disagree with him on some issues I feel like I always understand him and he does me.
Well I'm mentally just strained. Like I haven't felt like this in so long if ever. I just am upset about an array of things from one girl just being stupid, to another girl being jealous about nothing to the only girl I really care about just not understanding the type of person I am. If you claim to have strong feelings about me...shouldn't I be told I'm missed? Don't people feel good when people tell them that,anymore? Just little things that I guess I shouldn't ask for. And the more I argue, the more I realize our personalities have changed and are very opposite a lot of the times. I really don't remember if that's how it was back in the day but certainly don't remember this constant back and forth bashing...mainly because I start it but at least I have the "cojanes" enough to say it. But I just haven't been this fustrated about anything in a while.
Like in my mind a sex problem I can fix, a rap I can fix but this feeling right now, negative. While people I know are out in a club dancing, I just avoided going at all. There were a couple reasons. Top 2 being too young (but I probably still coulda went) and comfortablity. I really, really have no confidence what's so ever. Basketball, rapping, school work, girls, and my biggest fear: dancing. Yes dancing, having rhythm, and being made fun of because I'm a terrible dancer scares the living shit out of me, more than my stepmom could ever scare me.
Speaking of all these problems, I got an idea from this rapper XV to make a part 2 to a song I wrote almost a year ago. The original song was called "If You Say You Will" which is on my myspace songs. Listen to the words, give it a couple listens and you'll understand everything and be like OH shit, he's nice lol. Well I'm remaking it with new lyrics, new title but the same beat (kanye's say you will). This time I'm airing out everything possible. Every single truth, everything I'm hurt about on a daily, weekly, monthly basis. I'm half way done...one line says "if you are what you eat, no wonder they're all dicks" talking about BITCHES. I thought it was a clever line. Oh well. Just gunna see what tomorrow brings, new day, new opportunity.
School started. Music something happend. Basketball a lot, a lot happened andthis weekend should be interesting sooo I gotta finish this shit tomorrow cuz I'm falling asleep typing. So the 2nd part is coming.
Love all my readers. Night.
First thing before I write...I just wonder what my uncle mike would think or say. Weird that I think of him when it comes to advice because he really is the only guy, with enough experience, who's just old enough that I'll listen to. Eventhough sometimes, like I've stated previously, I make disagree with him on some issues I feel like I always understand him and he does me.
Well I'm mentally just strained. Like I haven't felt like this in so long if ever. I just am upset about an array of things from one girl just being stupid, to another girl being jealous about nothing to the only girl I really care about just not understanding the type of person I am. If you claim to have strong feelings about me...shouldn't I be told I'm missed? Don't people feel good when people tell them that,anymore? Just little things that I guess I shouldn't ask for. And the more I argue, the more I realize our personalities have changed and are very opposite a lot of the times. I really don't remember if that's how it was back in the day but certainly don't remember this constant back and forth bashing...mainly because I start it but at least I have the "cojanes" enough to say it. But I just haven't been this fustrated about anything in a while.
Like in my mind a sex problem I can fix, a rap I can fix but this feeling right now, negative. While people I know are out in a club dancing, I just avoided going at all. There were a couple reasons. Top 2 being too young (but I probably still coulda went) and comfortablity. I really, really have no confidence what's so ever. Basketball, rapping, school work, girls, and my biggest fear: dancing. Yes dancing, having rhythm, and being made fun of because I'm a terrible dancer scares the living shit out of me, more than my stepmom could ever scare me.
Speaking of all these problems, I got an idea from this rapper XV to make a part 2 to a song I wrote almost a year ago. The original song was called "If You Say You Will" which is on my myspace songs. Listen to the words, give it a couple listens and you'll understand everything and be like OH shit, he's nice lol. Well I'm remaking it with new lyrics, new title but the same beat (kanye's say you will). This time I'm airing out everything possible. Every single truth, everything I'm hurt about on a daily, weekly, monthly basis. I'm half way done...one line says "if you are what you eat, no wonder they're all dicks" talking about BITCHES. I thought it was a clever line. Oh well. Just gunna see what tomorrow brings, new day, new opportunity.
School started. Music something happend. Basketball a lot, a lot happened andthis weekend should be interesting sooo I gotta finish this shit tomorrow cuz I'm falling asleep typing. So the 2nd part is coming.
Love all my readers. Night.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
You Just Stole The Words Right Out of My Mouth
Verse 1:
Moment of honesty
Someone's gotta take the lead tonight
Whose it gonna be?
I'm gonna sit right here
And tell you all that comes to me
If you have something to say
You should say it right now
(Drake: You should say it right now)
You ready?
Bridge:
You give me a feeling that I never felt before
And I deserve it, I think I deserve it
(Drake: I deserve it, I think it deserve it..Let it go)
It's becoming something that's impossible to ignore
And I can't take it
(Drake: I can't take it)
Chorus-Alicia & Drake:
I was wondering maybe
Could I make you my baby
If we do the unthinkable would it make us look crazy
If you ask me I'm ready
(Echo: I'm ready, I'm ready)
If you ask me I'm ready
(Echo: I'm ready, I'm ready)
Verse 2:
I know you once said to me
"This is exactly how it should feel when it's meant to be"
Time is only wasting so why wait for eventually?
If we gon' do something 'bout it
We should do it right now
(Drake: We should do it right now)
Bay, uh
Bridge:
You give me a feeling that I never felt before
And I deserve it, I know I deserve it
(Drake: I deserve it, I know I deserve it. Let it go)
Its becoming something that's impossible to ignore
It's what we make it
(Drake: It's what we make it)
Chorus-Alicia & Drake:
I was wondering maybe
Could I make you my baby
If we do the unthinkable would it make us look crazy
Or would it be so beautiful either way I'm sayin'
If you ask me I'm ready
(Echo: I'm ready I'm ready)
If you ask me I'm ready
(Echo: I'm ready)
Yeah, sing...
Hook:
Why give up before we try
Feel the lows before the highs
Clip our wings before we fly away
I can't say I came prepared
I'm suspended in the air
Won't you come be in the sky with me
Chorus-Alicia & Drake:
I was wondering maybe
Could I make you my baby
If we do the unthinkable would it make us look crazy
Or would it be so beautiful either way I'm sayin'
If you ask me I'm ready
(Echo: I'm ready, I'm ready)
If you ask me I'm ready
(Echo: I'm ready, I'm ready)
I don’t know but
I think I maybe
Fallin’ for you
Dropping so quickly
Maybe I should
Keep this to myself
Waiting ’til I
Know you better
I am trying
Not to tell you
But I want to
I’m scared of what you’ll say
So I’m hiding what I’m feeling
But I’m tired of
Holding this inside my head
I’ve been spending all my time
Just thinking about ya
I don’t know what to do
I think I’m fallin’ for you
I’ve been waiting all my life
And now I found ya
I don’t know what to do
I think I’m fallin’ for you
I’m fallin’ for you
As I’m standing here
And you hold my hand
Pull me towards you
And we start to dance
All around us
I see nobody
Here in silence
It’s just you and me
I’m trying
Not to tell you
But I want to
I’m scared of what you’ll say
So I’m hiding what I’m feeling
But I’m tired of
Holding this inside my head
I’ve been spending all my time
Just thinking about ya
I don’t know what to do
I think I’m fallin’ for you
I’ve been waiting all my life
And now I found ya
I don’t know what to do
I think I’m fallin’ for you
I’m fallin’ for you
Oh I just can’t take it
My heart is racing
The emotions keep spinning out
I’ve been spending all my time
Just thinking about ya
I don’t know what to do
I think I’m fallin’ for you
I’ve been waiting all my life
And now I found ya
I don’t know what to do
I think I’m fallin’ for you
I’m fallin’ for you
I can’t stop thinking about it
I want you all around me
And now I just can’t hide it
I think I’m fallin’ for you (x2)
I’m fallin’ for you
Ooohhh
Oh no no
Oooooohhh
Oh I’m fallin’ for you
...
okay so each of these make me feel some type of way, whether it is emotional, happy, or just unexplainable. The last song is a new favorite, ironically Colbie Caillat looks like jennifer anniston (to me) on her cover but the song is incrediable. All these songs make me think of the same person just in different ways. It's just sad... that's all i will say about the situation that is going no where but hopefully one day there will be A situation, that when i hear these songs it will all be positive regardless of the tons of negatives.
I had to post the lyrics so you can see, REALLY, how beautiful these songs are. The first one is my personal favorite because Alicia Keys says everything i want to say and more YET i still wanna say something so i may post some lyrics up with the instrumental in the next couple days. It's just so true and when i listen to it alone, with my eyes close, in my headphones i feel some wierd way i've never felt about a song. Like i really genuwinely love the song, kinda wish I rapped/sang over it or at least if drake did it but it's amazing nonetheless. I could go on forever talking about this song so i'll just shut up for now.
The middle one, i didn't think it was necessary to post the lyrics but i use to cry to this song last year. Not during every listen but when i was in deep thought. I just remember someone telling me to listen to it and the impact it had on me and our relationship at the time but that's long gone and so is she. Anyway, like i always say PLEASE, PLEASE, just listen to the songs...
Thank you
P.S. (edit) THE NETS WON!!!!!
Manana...Escuela
Hell yall... The eve before school starts...what to do...what to do. I'm sitting on the stairs in my apartment building, writing music or at least I was until my ipod died. The battery is fucked up. SUCKS. Anywho I wanna do something BUT there's nothing to do. Grrrrr. Sucks. Hopefully this weekend is poppin tho. I gotta post up some NEW music for you to check out, that is HELLA dope. And for once it's not hip-hop but I may post at least one lol.
(A voice in my head asks me how my day was)
Well my day was pretty good. My jumpshot was broke! I missed 4 free throws in a row. And then shot 2/3. Two days ago I was 10/10 and I airballed a three pointer. Rough day shooting yet I played Defense n still hit a couple shots. Idk my wrist/follow through felt wierd and I felt wierd. Like I was thinking about it but it was in my head. Idk. I got a game tomorrow and it's not gunna be like that :) tomorrow is the best chance I'll play and play a lot more than a minute and thirty seconds so in the words of jae millz...leggggooooo
Also I saw the "Book of Eli" I missed the beginning of the movie. I didn't really understand the concept,point, or any of the underlining messages in the film but it was pretty cool. I just been dying to see a movie. Like literally dying but money is getting loooowwwww (uh-oh) so I might have to chill with the chillen.I gotta focus on school, making music, and playing ball n working. My next job destination is WHOLE FOODS or a sneaker store. Time to switch things up...seriously.
Anyway, speaking of music, I got this free beat tape (unfortunately nothing exclusive lol but still no complaining from me) from the.homie Hannibal. Had some good convos with him last couple nights. Pretty cool to actually talk to a guy I don't really know but feel like I know him and talk music and what not. Also I been talking to my uncle a lot more and a few other people and that's been pretty cool. I miss Mike (my uncle although he's more like my older brother along with DV). I look up to him for some wierd reason and I think I understand him more than ever although I do disagree with some stuff he says, I know it's in everybody's best interest.
Well I'm a go until I feel like blogging again. Sorry for the short entries and lack there of...just I don't know. Things go by fast on vacation. Hope everybody's doing well. Just to add one last thought: "I wonder if my family reads this or what they would think if they did" supposedly my aunt knows my blog like html and reads it from time to time but I guess it doesn't really matter because most of the time, actually 98 percent of the time what I say is fact. Literally FACT plus my interpreations of situations I personally go through so what they can say? Maybe my truths will help them and other people find theirs. Cause we all need to see a little more light in our lives, including myself. It's a very self-relieving thing, when your eyes are opened to things you never thought about.
Anywho, you all get Jam's love...and nothing less.
(A voice in my head asks me how my day was)
Well my day was pretty good. My jumpshot was broke! I missed 4 free throws in a row. And then shot 2/3. Two days ago I was 10/10 and I airballed a three pointer. Rough day shooting yet I played Defense n still hit a couple shots. Idk my wrist/follow through felt wierd and I felt wierd. Like I was thinking about it but it was in my head. Idk. I got a game tomorrow and it's not gunna be like that :) tomorrow is the best chance I'll play and play a lot more than a minute and thirty seconds so in the words of jae millz...leggggooooo
Also I saw the "Book of Eli" I missed the beginning of the movie. I didn't really understand the concept,point, or any of the underlining messages in the film but it was pretty cool. I just been dying to see a movie. Like literally dying but money is getting loooowwwww (uh-oh) so I might have to chill with the chillen.I gotta focus on school, making music, and playing ball n working. My next job destination is WHOLE FOODS or a sneaker store. Time to switch things up...seriously.
Anyway, speaking of music, I got this free beat tape (unfortunately nothing exclusive lol but still no complaining from me) from the.homie Hannibal. Had some good convos with him last couple nights. Pretty cool to actually talk to a guy I don't really know but feel like I know him and talk music and what not. Also I been talking to my uncle a lot more and a few other people and that's been pretty cool. I miss Mike (my uncle although he's more like my older brother along with DV). I look up to him for some wierd reason and I think I understand him more than ever although I do disagree with some stuff he says, I know it's in everybody's best interest.
Well I'm a go until I feel like blogging again. Sorry for the short entries and lack there of...just I don't know. Things go by fast on vacation. Hope everybody's doing well. Just to add one last thought: "I wonder if my family reads this or what they would think if they did" supposedly my aunt knows my blog like html and reads it from time to time but I guess it doesn't really matter because most of the time, actually 98 percent of the time what I say is fact. Literally FACT plus my interpreations of situations I personally go through so what they can say? Maybe my truths will help them and other people find theirs. Cause we all need to see a little more light in our lives, including myself. It's a very self-relieving thing, when your eyes are opened to things you never thought about.
Anywho, you all get Jam's love...and nothing less.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Therapy Before Therapy
HOPEFULLY, I'm not gunna be late to therapy but we'll see. Anyway, never realy updated on everything that's going on with me. Pretty cool and pretty not. Lol.
First thing, I still have my job...I think. Apparently some fiasco (no lupe)occurred at my job and the whole staff was going to get fired. Not cool that I was uniformed, illinformed, and was left in the dark BUT did I really expect anything different...nah. So if all goes well I'll be working at gamestop in a couple days/ weeks and everything will be different, maybe a good different. Where I can actually be a really good employee instead of an usually good employee. The manager seems cool as shit and he loves basketball so it might be nice actually talking to someone who understands passion and drive...plus his last name is Martinez. Yup that's right lol.
Next, school starts thursday. Should be interesting. Gotta see how I feel about my schedule but we'll see. Just gotta finish one last thing from last semester...then it's a clean slate...
My only real resolution is just becoming more responsible, get somebody's I.d., release some/solve some anger issues, focus on NOT being late, play ball non-stop, and FINALLY come out with some music for the masses. I think I'm ready, more ready then I ever been.
So that should clear up what's been going on. PLUS basketball has been going extremely well. I been getting better (I think) and our team is a little bit back to normal. So I'm glad. :)
Last I guess I'll say "Happy Birthday Ty!" Might get some hamburger helper, got some wine yesterday, and get some other stuff so I can relax.
Talk to yall later!
First thing, I still have my job...I think. Apparently some fiasco (no lupe)occurred at my job and the whole staff was going to get fired. Not cool that I was uniformed, illinformed, and was left in the dark BUT did I really expect anything different...nah. So if all goes well I'll be working at gamestop in a couple days/ weeks and everything will be different, maybe a good different. Where I can actually be a really good employee instead of an usually good employee. The manager seems cool as shit and he loves basketball so it might be nice actually talking to someone who understands passion and drive...plus his last name is Martinez. Yup that's right lol.
Next, school starts thursday. Should be interesting. Gotta see how I feel about my schedule but we'll see. Just gotta finish one last thing from last semester...then it's a clean slate...
My only real resolution is just becoming more responsible, get somebody's I.d., release some/solve some anger issues, focus on NOT being late, play ball non-stop, and FINALLY come out with some music for the masses. I think I'm ready, more ready then I ever been.
So that should clear up what's been going on. PLUS basketball has been going extremely well. I been getting better (I think) and our team is a little bit back to normal. So I'm glad. :)
Last I guess I'll say "Happy Birthday Ty!" Might get some hamburger helper, got some wine yesterday, and get some other stuff so I can relax.
Talk to yall later!
Monday, January 25, 2010
NightMares
Good morning yall,
It's crazy how dreams feel so real huh? And how they effect you when you wake up. I was having a pretty good sleep but I guess my mind wasn't. I woke up almost in chills, in anger, and in need to clear the air in my mind. This is before I brush my teeth or do anything else...let's take it back to June 2008, day before graduation. Now I must just say that anytime I'm witnessing a goodbye, a moment of extreme sadness, I just kind of stay there stuck. Almost not realizing what's happening. That's what graduating felt like to me. 8 years in the same place, all these roller coaster emotions, good people, bad people, moments that helped define who I was were being left behind and I was in a daze. CrazY. Now that high school is further from my mind and I've grasped the concept of "never being able to go back" I'm much better than I was last year. Anyway, my story really begins the day BEFORE graduation...
When I find out I have a book owed to the school so I can't get my report card. My friend richie drove me to my house and I rang the doorbell several times with no answer.
Now before I continue I must say my mom was in town n had lived in NY for a couple months to cater to my sister who had moved to my old house in college point for "irreconcilable differences" lol or however the fuck you spell it. Given this, my dad/Sam CHANGED the locks to the house, giving NO ONE in the house keys EXCEPT themselves because my mom and my sister were SO crazy they could not be trusted...to possibly steal my key when I'm sleeping, go to my house,open the door, cause havoc, harm and steal the babies...now as you're reading this just shake your head and realize "manipulation" is the only word to describe what's happening. NOW back to the story...
So no one answered the door. I had took a key off my dad's computer desk, which was in my room, tested it out before, kept it in my wallet for emergencies like this. So I open the door, and guess who's at the stairs? Yup, my stepmother, who asks me "how did you get a key?" N I was stuck I wasn't gunna lie, fuck it, I had good reasoning. So I told her and all hell broke loose. She started screaming, throwing stuff, calling me names, all while she was reasonable enough to let me get my book at least. I grabbed my laptop n some other stuff while she continued to scream whatever she did. Scumbag, liar. Don't remember the words... I just remember her saying that, THAT house WAS "HER" house and being 18, knew I was graduating tomorrow, I finally talked back and said "FUCK YOU, this isn't your house, I live her. This is our house" and I walked out.
My dad was a diplomat. Still is. Trying to appease everyone BUT sometimes you simply can't. I had taken care of myself not too bad since my mom left, regardless of the roof I was under and to be honest...I don't need my dad taking care of me. He can't take care of himself or his wife, possibly the babies but that's all. So I told him I don't need you taking care of me. And from that moment on...I really have been taking care of a lot. (Now I'm going on several different tangents sorry). Same thing with my mom. And they don't really contact me, given I am in the wrong for not contacting either but in my opinion the parents are the ones who are suppose to make more effort. And I will try and always remember that when I become one.
Any who, later that night, my dad talked shit out...brought me up stairs, made me say sorry to Sam and Sam actually sad sorry back. But unlike movies there's no happy ending after that. Cause after that...it would flash to me being on stage, yup onstage performing a poem with my fellow friend Julian, a privilege RFK has never witnessed. A tribute to the teachers that helped form our lives,everyday for 4 years. Then you would see the after pictures and maybe my accomplishments would have been written before the credits. Lol. But life is nothing like that.
I went to bennihanas with my mom and went to work, on my graduation day. Probably should've called out for that. And crazy part is I went to zero graduation party's. Didn't have one at all. And I'm pretty sure did not get a graduation gift except for the camera my dad bought, that I used for a summer lol.
After that day though, most of that house's dramas were no longer mine. No longer a first hand experience. I had, what I thought was a wonderful girl and a couple good friends. Idk why I never went to my aunt's house like my sister. Instead I kind of hopped around places, lying about where I was staying. I ended up sleeping over this girls house n my friends house n both didn't work out. My friend let me stay for a bit and when he came back, he was a different person. He asked me to occupy his room for the 2 weeks he was gone cuz he didn't trust anyone else and we he got back it was kinda like "get the fuck out." Same thing with this girl, well kind of, she didn't want me sleeping next to her any more either. The last 2 people I trusted, to understand, just couldn't. So gradually and dramatically I left and went to my grandma's. To me this was a big deal.
I felt I couldn't trust anyone to understand me more than these 2 people and even they couldn't. It's not like I wasn't looking for a place in Brooklyn to move to. Wasn't like I tried to figure something out.But it is what it is. I understand people needing to put themselves first, cause of other changes but even till this day, I really wonder what hap pend. Who they are and why the change. Did 2 weeks REALLY change them so much, that everything else we did for each other didn't matter...
I felt alone and so much more. But I thank god my grandparents understood when they came back from D.R. N saw their grandson living there. They complain, make jokes, annoy me and it's all out of love. And it's crazy because everything in highschool that I accomplished came when I lived with my dad and my stepmom and that's where everything stays. The PSAL awards, the certificates, the college letters, all LOST in a house I truthfully don't ever wanna see again. It's not that I hate my stepmom for stuff she did and continues to do BUT it's the fact that place never really felt like home. It had it's moments but it was a failed experiment.
And I just wrote all that because looking back now, seeing how dramatic, unprepared, and immature I acted in situations I understand. I really thought I was going crazy but to me, it was traumatic, to the point of reaching an edge in depression...
Okay so the whole point of this entry is because I dreamed of being back in that house and my dad and my stepmom's brother, sitting back while she hit my little sister victoria. And once I heard it, in my dream I flipped. Calling both of them cowards. Saying I would fight both of them n my stepmother before they ever touched my sister again. As I was going to make my move...I woke up. Scared about what could be going on now.
I would never know the truth because I don't live there anymore. My dad is as shady as people like david reyes, david munoz, jason, people who I think lie to themselves sometimes. Cool people but just don't trust anyone. From my experiences that's how I feel. I should not shy away from breaking free of these words. N my little sister could easily be getting manipulated or staying shut for other reasons like wanting to protect my little brother n sister who I haven't seen in ever. Maybe I'll explain this to them when they're older so they can understand why I have so much disdain, I can't go see them.
It's hard because I wanna protect everybody. Give everyone a second chance. And I love people despite their major faults, flaws and actions. But how do you make the madness stop?
For me, I guess it is college and music plus hard work.
It's strange because this girl told me she was watching T.I.'S life story on television and asked me what mine would be. And I think I have, like everyone else does enough for people to understand. A story of just a regular teenager. I hope that is compelling enough for other people to relate and be inspired.
Alright this morning breathe is killing me.
You'll hear from me soon. Later.
It's crazy how dreams feel so real huh? And how they effect you when you wake up. I was having a pretty good sleep but I guess my mind wasn't. I woke up almost in chills, in anger, and in need to clear the air in my mind. This is before I brush my teeth or do anything else...let's take it back to June 2008, day before graduation. Now I must just say that anytime I'm witnessing a goodbye, a moment of extreme sadness, I just kind of stay there stuck. Almost not realizing what's happening. That's what graduating felt like to me. 8 years in the same place, all these roller coaster emotions, good people, bad people, moments that helped define who I was were being left behind and I was in a daze. CrazY. Now that high school is further from my mind and I've grasped the concept of "never being able to go back" I'm much better than I was last year. Anyway, my story really begins the day BEFORE graduation...
When I find out I have a book owed to the school so I can't get my report card. My friend richie drove me to my house and I rang the doorbell several times with no answer.
Now before I continue I must say my mom was in town n had lived in NY for a couple months to cater to my sister who had moved to my old house in college point for "irreconcilable differences" lol or however the fuck you spell it. Given this, my dad/Sam CHANGED the locks to the house, giving NO ONE in the house keys EXCEPT themselves because my mom and my sister were SO crazy they could not be trusted...to possibly steal my key when I'm sleeping, go to my house,open the door, cause havoc, harm and steal the babies...now as you're reading this just shake your head and realize "manipulation" is the only word to describe what's happening. NOW back to the story...
So no one answered the door. I had took a key off my dad's computer desk, which was in my room, tested it out before, kept it in my wallet for emergencies like this. So I open the door, and guess who's at the stairs? Yup, my stepmother, who asks me "how did you get a key?" N I was stuck I wasn't gunna lie, fuck it, I had good reasoning. So I told her and all hell broke loose. She started screaming, throwing stuff, calling me names, all while she was reasonable enough to let me get my book at least. I grabbed my laptop n some other stuff while she continued to scream whatever she did. Scumbag, liar. Don't remember the words... I just remember her saying that, THAT house WAS "HER" house and being 18, knew I was graduating tomorrow, I finally talked back and said "FUCK YOU, this isn't your house, I live her. This is our house" and I walked out.
My dad was a diplomat. Still is. Trying to appease everyone BUT sometimes you simply can't. I had taken care of myself not too bad since my mom left, regardless of the roof I was under and to be honest...I don't need my dad taking care of me. He can't take care of himself or his wife, possibly the babies but that's all. So I told him I don't need you taking care of me. And from that moment on...I really have been taking care of a lot. (Now I'm going on several different tangents sorry). Same thing with my mom. And they don't really contact me, given I am in the wrong for not contacting either but in my opinion the parents are the ones who are suppose to make more effort. And I will try and always remember that when I become one.
Any who, later that night, my dad talked shit out...brought me up stairs, made me say sorry to Sam and Sam actually sad sorry back. But unlike movies there's no happy ending after that. Cause after that...it would flash to me being on stage, yup onstage performing a poem with my fellow friend Julian, a privilege RFK has never witnessed. A tribute to the teachers that helped form our lives,everyday for 4 years. Then you would see the after pictures and maybe my accomplishments would have been written before the credits. Lol. But life is nothing like that.
I went to bennihanas with my mom and went to work, on my graduation day. Probably should've called out for that. And crazy part is I went to zero graduation party's. Didn't have one at all. And I'm pretty sure did not get a graduation gift except for the camera my dad bought, that I used for a summer lol.
After that day though, most of that house's dramas were no longer mine. No longer a first hand experience. I had, what I thought was a wonderful girl and a couple good friends. Idk why I never went to my aunt's house like my sister. Instead I kind of hopped around places, lying about where I was staying. I ended up sleeping over this girls house n my friends house n both didn't work out. My friend let me stay for a bit and when he came back, he was a different person. He asked me to occupy his room for the 2 weeks he was gone cuz he didn't trust anyone else and we he got back it was kinda like "get the fuck out." Same thing with this girl, well kind of, she didn't want me sleeping next to her any more either. The last 2 people I trusted, to understand, just couldn't. So gradually and dramatically I left and went to my grandma's. To me this was a big deal.
I felt I couldn't trust anyone to understand me more than these 2 people and even they couldn't. It's not like I wasn't looking for a place in Brooklyn to move to. Wasn't like I tried to figure something out.But it is what it is. I understand people needing to put themselves first, cause of other changes but even till this day, I really wonder what hap pend. Who they are and why the change. Did 2 weeks REALLY change them so much, that everything else we did for each other didn't matter...
I felt alone and so much more. But I thank god my grandparents understood when they came back from D.R. N saw their grandson living there. They complain, make jokes, annoy me and it's all out of love. And it's crazy because everything in highschool that I accomplished came when I lived with my dad and my stepmom and that's where everything stays. The PSAL awards, the certificates, the college letters, all LOST in a house I truthfully don't ever wanna see again. It's not that I hate my stepmom for stuff she did and continues to do BUT it's the fact that place never really felt like home. It had it's moments but it was a failed experiment.
And I just wrote all that because looking back now, seeing how dramatic, unprepared, and immature I acted in situations I understand. I really thought I was going crazy but to me, it was traumatic, to the point of reaching an edge in depression...
Okay so the whole point of this entry is because I dreamed of being back in that house and my dad and my stepmom's brother, sitting back while she hit my little sister victoria. And once I heard it, in my dream I flipped. Calling both of them cowards. Saying I would fight both of them n my stepmother before they ever touched my sister again. As I was going to make my move...I woke up. Scared about what could be going on now.
I would never know the truth because I don't live there anymore. My dad is as shady as people like david reyes, david munoz, jason, people who I think lie to themselves sometimes. Cool people but just don't trust anyone. From my experiences that's how I feel. I should not shy away from breaking free of these words. N my little sister could easily be getting manipulated or staying shut for other reasons like wanting to protect my little brother n sister who I haven't seen in ever. Maybe I'll explain this to them when they're older so they can understand why I have so much disdain, I can't go see them.
It's hard because I wanna protect everybody. Give everyone a second chance. And I love people despite their major faults, flaws and actions. But how do you make the madness stop?
For me, I guess it is college and music plus hard work.
It's strange because this girl told me she was watching T.I.'S life story on television and asked me what mine would be. And I think I have, like everyone else does enough for people to understand. A story of just a regular teenager. I hope that is compelling enough for other people to relate and be inspired.
Alright this morning breathe is killing me.
You'll hear from me soon. Later.
Friday, January 22, 2010
Brutal Honesty: A Free Write Blog Session
This should be self-explanatory
I'm sitting in a fast food resturant
Wondering where did it all go wrong
The only way I know how to express is through song
That's why I been doing this all along
Not for glamour, or bragging rights
But because when I hear instrumentals, I think life
Music is essential, with a pen or pencil, recycled bar
From an unkown star, that you looked passed like a real fast car, nascar,
Sometimes I feel stuck, picture a block of hot tar
With my feet in it, I'm deep in it,
Years go by like a new york minute,
Almost everything I've written, from the crane under my fitted, I meant it, so you can be copestetic
but try to put things in perspective
and think objective,
I try to help out the people who shunned me
From acquainteces to old buddies
Even girls who've claimed to love me, it's crazy
How we were so close, now so far apart
And we both were on the same path in the start
Got people who if they really needed something, have my contact nigga
We got phones, myspace, facebook,and twitter
Yet I can't be notified of anything
Guess our "friendship" don't mean anything
Keep names on the hush, but you know, I know that you know
that I'm talking about you like the wendy williams show
Subliminal, Hov
And I'm very definisive cause I'm a man of pride
I ain't afriad to admit my fuck ups and the times I lied
The tears I've cried and the times I've failed but tried
Never pretended to the perfect man
But I try to be as perfect as I can
Saving judgementals thoughts for monday morning sanitation
Just grazin, the surface, of a deep mind
Before I feel I gotta stop like a street sign
The world's cold so when I feel the heat, I'm fine
I stay in these lines but I gotta go out of line
To get my point across, like a miswritten word,
Wanted her to be your misses didn't you sir...
Yes I did, but the more times goes by, I realize that my dream is too big,a house on the hill with 3 kids, ...doesn't seem likely
...Just doesn't seem right be...but I still close my eyes and invision what it might be...
I'm sitting in a fast food resturant
Wondering where did it all go wrong
The only way I know how to express is through song
That's why I been doing this all along
Not for glamour, or bragging rights
But because when I hear instrumentals, I think life
Music is essential, with a pen or pencil, recycled bar
From an unkown star, that you looked passed like a real fast car, nascar,
Sometimes I feel stuck, picture a block of hot tar
With my feet in it, I'm deep in it,
Years go by like a new york minute,
Almost everything I've written, from the crane under my fitted, I meant it, so you can be copestetic
but try to put things in perspective
and think objective,
I try to help out the people who shunned me
From acquainteces to old buddies
Even girls who've claimed to love me, it's crazy
How we were so close, now so far apart
And we both were on the same path in the start
Got people who if they really needed something, have my contact nigga
We got phones, myspace, facebook,and twitter
Yet I can't be notified of anything
Guess our "friendship" don't mean anything
Keep names on the hush, but you know, I know that you know
that I'm talking about you like the wendy williams show
Subliminal, Hov
And I'm very definisive cause I'm a man of pride
I ain't afriad to admit my fuck ups and the times I lied
The tears I've cried and the times I've failed but tried
Never pretended to the perfect man
But I try to be as perfect as I can
Saving judgementals thoughts for monday morning sanitation
Just grazin, the surface, of a deep mind
Before I feel I gotta stop like a street sign
The world's cold so when I feel the heat, I'm fine
I stay in these lines but I gotta go out of line
To get my point across, like a miswritten word,
Wanted her to be your misses didn't you sir...
Yes I did, but the more times goes by, I realize that my dream is too big,a house on the hill with 3 kids, ...doesn't seem likely
...Just doesn't seem right be...but I still close my eyes and invision what it might be...
Sunday, January 17, 2010
90's and the Remakes
Vs.
So my sister was listening to the Mariah Carey version and i was like WAIT a minute i know this song lol. Ironically Jermaine Durpri was part of the original so it was only right that he would remix it years later. The beat is fucking fire. Makes you wanna dance and makes ME wanna write. Just thought i'd ask people which they like better. Also are most originals BETTER than remixes? Are both dope? I'll let the comment box flood lol. Right. WEll hopefully i'll be leaving the house soon with my mom Who is here for a couple days....
don't want to go to PA tomorrow morning for my game. SHould i tell them i can't make it...thinking about it. Not going to write either today...later
Frustrated...
The same thing that brings you up, brings you down
It's like a drug the way it comes back around
The same thing you love, is the same thing you hate
It makes my heart ache, feels like Kuwait,
wondering if i have any more patience to wait...
That's kind of, how I'm feeling on this subject of "music."
I've said this time and time again. Music is my life. It will ALWAYS be but it's just an extremely frustrating thing for me. It heals my soul but damages my hope. It's wicked. Like my son, little brother Trevor yesterday was like "me and my boy were listening to this song and i was like who the hell is this, i know it isn't drake or kanye, so when i checked i was like "Jam Young." That was probably your best song." I laughed of course. But was pretty flattered that people at least kind of recognized me. I don't want to have a whole conversation on this BECAUSE i have discussed with a couple people and over and over and over and over and OVER in my head. So i'm just going to keep music without getting frustrated although deep down i am. That's probably why i have no confidence in it but i know this is what i want to do sooo like basketball i continue on...on to my mission...and on to the next one. I'm hopefully going to be going to the studio and having at least ONE writing session this week. (please hannibal lol)
SO i'm sorry for the long awaited post. MORE to come...
It's like a drug the way it comes back around
The same thing you love, is the same thing you hate
It makes my heart ache, feels like Kuwait,
wondering if i have any more patience to wait...
That's kind of, how I'm feeling on this subject of "music."
I've said this time and time again. Music is my life. It will ALWAYS be but it's just an extremely frustrating thing for me. It heals my soul but damages my hope. It's wicked. Like my son, little brother Trevor yesterday was like "me and my boy were listening to this song and i was like who the hell is this, i know it isn't drake or kanye, so when i checked i was like "Jam Young." That was probably your best song." I laughed of course. But was pretty flattered that people at least kind of recognized me. I don't want to have a whole conversation on this BECAUSE i have discussed with a couple people and over and over and over and over and OVER in my head. So i'm just going to keep music without getting frustrated although deep down i am. That's probably why i have no confidence in it but i know this is what i want to do sooo like basketball i continue on...on to my mission...and on to the next one. I'm hopefully going to be going to the studio and having at least ONE writing session this week. (please hannibal lol)
SO i'm sorry for the long awaited post. MORE to come...
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
One of My Personal Favorites
Hey yall, sorry that the blogging this month has been extremely slow. I'm going to start picking it up today soooo the first entry of the day to break the ice will be an unheard/unrecorded verse for one of my love records I had written about a year and change ago. Any thoughts and constructive critism is always welcome. (Key word: constructive)
Is it a front that you're putting up
Or have you dated a lot of jerks, and you just had enough
Just so fed up, but you ain't kevin, so don't give up
Don't let up, come with me and let's live it up
I can promise all the cliche's on-an-y typical day, on a regular ba-sis
If we tie the knot, sort of like laces
We can go any place, your little heart desires
I'll carry the matches anywhere we go, so the fire
Never dies out, I know life never plays out
The way you want it, but our love, you can flaunt it
On your sleeves, you just got to believe
Read a wrist, you got to believe, in me,
Believe me, I know you're scarred and very scared,
But baby, truth or dare?
How about you dare me to tell the truth and I'll swear
On everything I love, that you're everything I love
You're music, my heart, and my life
All the above, and it's all that I love
I do this all out of love and just because
:)
Is it a front that you're putting up
Or have you dated a lot of jerks, and you just had enough
Just so fed up, but you ain't kevin, so don't give up
Don't let up, come with me and let's live it up
I can promise all the cliche's on-an-y typical day, on a regular ba-sis
If we tie the knot, sort of like laces
We can go any place, your little heart desires
I'll carry the matches anywhere we go, so the fire
Never dies out, I know life never plays out
The way you want it, but our love, you can flaunt it
On your sleeves, you just got to believe
Read a wrist, you got to believe, in me,
Believe me, I know you're scarred and very scared,
But baby, truth or dare?
How about you dare me to tell the truth and I'll swear
On everything I love, that you're everything I love
You're music, my heart, and my life
All the above, and it's all that I love
I do this all out of love and just because
:)
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
First Entry of The Decade
What's up yall,
Happy belated new year! And thank you audrey and alexis for commenting. Alwayyyysss appreciated. I read the first two blog entries, alexis and I hope you can keep up :) good to see you back!
Anyway, just want to say, I am never too busy to blog. When I don't blog it is only because I have so much to say and haven't been willing to organize my thoughts to get EVERYTHING out.soo yea. What I will say though is that I'm locked in so far. Locked in for school, basketball, and music AND to be a better lover, when I get the chance to be one. So yea, I'm feeling right. Once I finish this ONE last school thing I'm a "be more than straight!"
So I have so much more to right. Resolutions. Ideas. More goals of course. Comparisions to what I did last year. More music to post. Alll that good shit.
But that's for another time, on my way to a basketball game that we hopefully WIN and that I hopefully PLAY in. I'm feeling good. About to load up my ratchet haha.
Jam out!
Happy belated new year! And thank you audrey and alexis for commenting. Alwayyyysss appreciated. I read the first two blog entries, alexis and I hope you can keep up :) good to see you back!
Anyway, just want to say, I am never too busy to blog. When I don't blog it is only because I have so much to say and haven't been willing to organize my thoughts to get EVERYTHING out.soo yea. What I will say though is that I'm locked in so far. Locked in for school, basketball, and music AND to be a better lover, when I get the chance to be one. So yea, I'm feeling right. Once I finish this ONE last school thing I'm a "be more than straight!"
So I have so much more to right. Resolutions. Ideas. More goals of course. Comparisions to what I did last year. More music to post. Alll that good shit.
But that's for another time, on my way to a basketball game that we hopefully WIN and that I hopefully PLAY in. I'm feeling good. About to load up my ratchet haha.
Jam out!
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