WELCOME TO THE NEW YEAR YALL. It's official. Possibly the best year of my life is about to begin but of course my feelings are all over the place even though i am really excited. I'm still anxious about grades and shit. Still anxious about becoming this new person that i'm transforming into. I'm just weird. I don't have just one feeling. Like i'm mad, sad, happy, excited, confused, and scared all at once. WOW, i know. I will just rant because that's what the blog is for. Before i do i must shout out to again for the 5 people who comment = Carrie, Lori, Angelica, Julian, & Sam. OH Farah Khan, I am waiting for you to subscribe. I know your bored and angry at home so stop taking so long. Juelz or C Star gets a big compliment for being the first boy to comment and subscribe. Good looks baby. P.I.C for life baby. No doubt. OH and i still thank the people who read it and don't comment just step your game up =). LoL. Anyway, back to the feelings.
I just don't know. I'm really conflicted. From feeling like i'm losing friends to people who are more than friends. I really am lost in terms of somethings. Like how do i react to what people are doing. How am i suppose to watch someone i care about go date someone else because she wants to "explore" and discover "new personalities" and figured out who "she is." Etc.... Etc.... Etc.... I think about shit like this everyday and frankly it's killing me and shit. I just don't know what to do but try to continue on. I don't want to move on but do i have a choice?? Like what the fuck am i suppose to do? There's no right answer. I can wait and be miserable. I can wait and watch everything fall apart. I can wait and do whatever i please with whoever i please. I can not wait. I can just do whatever. Those are really MY choices but people have THEIR own. And depending on what they do i'm going to react in a certain way. OH and a part of me, just wants to constantly see that somebody/they care and i kind of what them to feel the same way i feel. I want them to know what they are doing to me isn't fucking right. It's bullshit quite frankly. It's wrong to seek revenge, totally wrong, so the only way i can have the real revenge is to continue life and do what i have no choice in doing.
My friend Marc and I agree it's so much better to have one person to do everything with than to have several girls providing different things at different times. Experiences, Experiences. Fuck it. Life is an experience whether it's with the same fucking person or if it's with several. It's just how you handle it. I'm just getting extremely tired. Emotionally and physically. I'm deprived of a lot. A LOT. And i have to find what i already want and like in shit, somewhere else. And truthfully because my morals, everything, right and wrong, what to do, what not to do, what i like and what i don't have been fucked up BAD. I don't even know what i'm complaining about now. I don't want this relationship anymore. I don't. And it makes it even clear when someone doesn't even what the same thing. I just keep saying fuck em. It's like that whole thing "can't live with them and can't live without them" well if that's the case then what in god's name do you do????
WWJD? Lol. That made me laugh. Anywhere sorry i'm bringing this negativity up when it's a new year and should be nothing but positive. On a good note, i got a little tipsy (when i say little i mean little) off some pina colodas i convinced my grandmother to make for new years and first off it was banging and second, i recorded a ghetto ass video of me rapping. You'll see, i think it's pretty funny. Once my computer gets rid of the viruses on it, i'll post it along with 09 pics. Yes, i know i am a fiend, or however the fuck you spell it.
Now this is my apology. I'm going to be in Pennsylvania until tomorrow night so i will be depriving my readers and myself of blogging but i will try my best to find a way on- phone, computer, whatever. I just got to write. And as an F.Y.I I'm going to Pennsylvania for a basketball tournament. I hope we win. Let's go BC BABY!
Next, i want to post a possible track listing for another mixtape idea and the Untouchable Superhero mixtape that i mentioned a couple days ago. Check it:
Jam Young : Lucky 9 aka The Mixtape of the Year
1)March 22/23, 1990
2)Nineteen
3)April Fool's Day
4)Mama & Ex's B-Day Song
5)Independence Music
6)Labor Day
7)Halloween
8)Election Time
9)Thanks for giving
10) Black Friday
11)Christmas
12) New Year's Eve
13) 2010
There each going to be themed off a holiday. For example Independence Music would be music you would hear on independence day, so it will be some celebration about being free and shit. Election Time will be obviously a Vote or Die statement. The first track is the day i was born. Well you should get the point and next:
The Untouchable Superhero
1) Superhero Music
2) My Mary Jane
3)Superhuman
4)Have to save the day
5)Darkest Hour
6)Intermission
7)Skitzo
8)If i should fall
9)Identity Crisis
10)Nothing 2 Lose?
11)Quit or Suicide
12)Something More than Heroic
13)Never Over
Tell me what you think of the titles and the song names. Obviously the songs haven't been written yet but i decided the titles will help form the songs.
NEXT; I had a very cool day today. I went to brunch with Trevor and his family, which i'm tempted to say is partially my family too. They are really awesome, THE STARKS. It's crazy. I have to pay them back some how, 4 real. Rocsi or Trevor's mom bought me a new fitted to match with my school colors. She bought me brunch and hot chocolate and although the buying was cool, it was really the motherly feel. Trevor's lucky. I know a lot of people will agree. I wish i was that lucky but i'm not jealous or anything i had my turn at being spoiled and having moments like that with my family. I love my family, well cause their my family. BUT if i had a runner up it would be his. I trust them and feel this overwhelming comfort. One day i will feel completely comfortable but that will come with time. AGAIN, i want to repay them. They really like me and treat me like no other. I also realized i'm like Trevor's big brother. Someone he looks up to but someone he can learn from. He really deserves that. I wish i had an older brother, who was a good influence too. I'm glad i can be that for him. If he needs a shoulder for tears or to sleep on, i'll be there for him, no doubt. I really care for him. AND please no one put this on blast because this is coming from my heart. Seriously.
So today was pretty cool. I'm exhausted though. I hope everyone had a happy new years and again hit up the blog. I'll tell you guys more again as usual ASAP.
Love,
Jam
P.S. I had to end it like that. Positive.
P.P.S. I need a hug right now. A real kiss. And sleep. Night.
Awww. I'll give you a hugg. =)
ReplyDeleteI noticed one statement in there that made me think a lot about your situation..."I don't want this relationship anymore. I don't." If you really believe that statement then you shouldn't be in the relationship any more. If you are just saying that out of anger, it's understandable. The questions are: Do you think your suffering is worth the wait? Do you believe in your heart and gut that this girl is someone you will definitely end up with? Do you believe she is worthy of your suffering? I mean relationships are very hard regardless of how good they are. Anyone who says a relationship is easy is lying, especially once the real life stuff comes in to play (kids, bills, family, etc.). You don't have to worry about that stuff right now so maybe this relationship is too hard for your own good. Who knows? Only you...
ReplyDeleteTrevor's parents really are the best! I think you should write them a card and thank them. I also think instead of just thanking them that you should write exactly what you wrote on here. They would think that was payback enough. I am certain of it. :)
I hope you got at least one of the things you wished for: a hug, kiss, or sleep! Good luck in your tournament.
while I know the situation with your relationship is completely different and I can't possibly understand what you are feeling, I relate so much to a lot of the things you said at the moment and i think dats pretty insane...the whole issue of waiting...i started datin someone in sept and it was amazing, i had no reason to ever doubt him...come november his parents told him he couldnt have a gf (cuz he is doin bad in skool or watev) so he said we'd be on a break...he just stopped talking to me and I kno he doesnt give a shit, b/c if i care bout someone and couldnt see them i would def wanna speak to dem, even if it's just a hi to check in, i didnt get no holiday greetins nothin, i wrote him a longish msg wit all my feelins cuz dey were botherin me and i jus needed an answer, his response short & ended with -i will tell u more when me myself knows what I want and whats best- freakin bullshit, dude is only concerned with himself..... and like I can say fuck it and call him a douche all I want, but I miss him a bunch & before I thought ok I can wait til he decides he wants me again, but why should I fucking wait, it's not fair to me and it's difficult, so like u the only option is to continue on with life ---- sorry for the whole life story there but I feel like this blog is a great place for sharing lol, and I would totally give u a hug! stay up = )
ReplyDeleteEveryone in life has to wait for some thing or some one. Most people never get the things they wait for. Some people get more than others. Just remember, you have to decide if waiting is what you want and what you want is worth waiting for. If it isn't, don't wait.
ReplyDeleteIn terms of life and moving on, if you are deciding on whether to continue with life based on someone else's actions then you need a reality check. Life goes on one way or another. I know you know that but just wanted to remind you!
I do worry when you or anyone else is trying to figure out what someone else is thinking or believing. While you may think someone "doesn't love you or only thinks of herself", you do not know exactly what goes on in anyone's head. Just be aware that you cannot push someone to be at a point in his/her life that he/she isn't ready to be in. If you do that, you will end up without that person anyway. Being pushed into something causes resentment. Pushing is a terrible thing to do in a relationship...take it from me. :)
Try to smile. She will either be there or won't. Life will go on and you are creating one hell of a life for yourself!!
Hey thanks for the shout out! And happy new year man. I hope your grades are exactly what you'd hope them to be. It looks like you got a lot of issues on your chest however you seem to have it all under control. I don't know how you do it sometimes, but its impressive. I know this is a good way to express yourself but if you need someone to talk to you got my number. Ever since I've known you there were things going through your life that made things hard for you. I've stayed out of your business, not because I didn't care, but because I felt you didn't need people telling you how to live. I know making decisions is hard and for the most part what we feel is right can sometimes be wrong. You've made it this far man and I have no doubt that you'll keep going. I have faith in you man, there's no problem you can't handle.
ReplyDelete