Old Thoughts

"Baby, the experience was priceless. I'm not going to lie and say it didn't significantly impact my life. Your damn right!
I wouldn't be the same person without you, probably not even close, but does that mean it was for the better or the for the worse.
The turns. The falls. I'm like what the fuck. Everyday I'm stuck. Dead ass though. Deep down inside I wouldn't take it back even if I could because the other path of what I 'should've' could be worse. I just don't understand. Okay, that's a lie I totally, mentally understand, but physically and emotionally I doubt. I feel the way you treated me, the way you pushed me away, put me in that corner because we spent wwwwaaayyyy too much together. Way too much.It's ridiculous. Almost sickening. I just feel like a complete causaulity and I don't believe in fairy tales anymore, not even close. Reality puts the guck of uglyness infront of you until you can bare or until you just hold your mouth, close your eyes, and put your face deep into that water...never to rise again.
I'm not at that point. Not even close I don't think. But this is wretched. Real heartbreak shit. Just like you said it be. I make mistakes. I hurt you at times but the pain you caused me is greater than all that.
The idea of you and another man is way, greater than all that. I can't elaborate. I can only visualize. Feel. Scream.

Just scream. It's fucked up. But you have every universal right to live your life the way you want to minus the way I want you. Is your will and might that much stronger than mine. Apparently. I know this is cliche but you were really everything a man looks for or hopes to find in a real women. It's not looks, no. It was your friendship, companionship, your heart, your 'true' kiss. All those made you. Made us.
But noe deciet has defeated us. It's not completely over but I can't help but feel helpless to the overbarring weight of anxiety, weirdness, and normalcy.

I can't act normal around u because even if I did, it wouldn't be compared to how it normally WAS. We've drifted. The one thing a relationship can't work with is when two peole grow a part. And we did that. I want to say YOU did that, so bad, but I'm at fault too. For so many reasons. And one is for not being good enough for you. Yup never good enough. It's your nature and human nature to be dissastisfied. The person u once were is gone, to me. From me, forever (echos)

Forever. Now what am I left with? An unfixable mettled with broken, particle that keeps me alive. That's all..."