More Rambaling, Negativty, Questions About Life, So I'm Just Warning Ahead Of Time...

This will be the most disorganized entry yet...

I am the most positive/negative person I know.

I just hate my mind sometimes. I don't hate myself because that's just a little extreme. I don't think I'm depressed but I do believe my mood just swings like crazy. I feel like that makes me a deceiver, a manipulator and everything.

(This makes me wonder allllll thhhheee time why I am like ttthhhiiissss) I don't want to blame anybody I just want to know where this tragedy, drama, and everything else that negatives comes from.

Ironically none of these thoughts hinders my ability to continue improving my life. That's what I find astounding about myself. Uncomprehendable.

Life also not understandable.

I don't hate life.

I don't think I have it bad or one of the worst either. I just know my situation is medicore and can always improve and in this case improve significantly.

Maybe I'm spoiled. Maybe I'm selfish and never satisfied either.

You know what happens when two people who are never satisfied hang out together...crazyness.

I think nothing good can come without a negative. That's my belief at this moment.

I want to confess I'm also guilty for letting a situation happen and liking it regardless if it was my first experience. I didn't know exactly what was going on but I let it happen. As a guy it was hard to say no. And no I'm not making excuses.

I still wish I could save everyone, especially my sisters and my sanity.

I deadass feel crazy and this is the only place I can express that. But at the same time I think the feeling of being crazy makes me unique and drives me.

Do I hate myself? No. Do I wish and kind of want to change things about myself? Kinda.

Every person on this earth is "unique" well what's so great about that. I feel like yea my personality has kept me from running away for more than a couple hours (which isn't even really like running away), it has gotten me into college, awards, degrees, documents, championships, winning, happy moments.music, recognition, attention and probably a bunch of other stuff I don't remember. Well I don't know...
As much as it makes me unique to feel mentally insane (exaggerated) but different maybe I don't want to be different.
Maybe I want to play basketball everyday. Maybe I want to go to the studio and make songs all day.
Maybe I want to smoke weed all day. Maybe I want to be a fucking jerk and fuck every girl that wants me. Maybe I don't want to be in a relationship. Maybe I don't want love. Maybe I hate love and hate having my guard down. Maybe I don't like feeling desperate. Maybe I shouldn't give a fuck about certain girls and shit.

Instead of being the dude fucking hoes I'm the dude listening to them. Instead of enjoying life I'm dwelling on it. Instead of being young I'm being old. Instead of being with mad girls I'm the dude falling for one and wanting to be with one because I'm the fool who fucking wants to give someone "everything" and have what everyone in the world really wants. Or what I believe they want.

Maybe the whole idea of marriage and kids is bullshit. What's wrong with being the biggest bachelor to the day you die?

Why the fuck am I the guy girls want to marry but not mess with or why do I have a likeable personality...kinda.

Why don't I have the confidence to talk to random people. Why don't I have a mother I'm living with. Or a father. Or my fucking siblings?

I feel like I abondended life and here I am...alone.

I know I have people but I'm alone in a different sense. You know what else is crazy.

The fact I felt like I had something so real, so real I shunned my crazy family for it. When your younger they tell you family is all you have but what if you don't even have that. You aint got shit.

You know what else is stunning I remember in the summer when I was staying at friends/girl I really liked house I ran into my grandmother and she started crying (she's very emotional) but she was worried about me running around.

Another thing my dad, mom, and step mom aren't bad people. They're allowed to make mistakes and truthfull people shouldn't judge other people but it's dead ass HUMAN NATURE. My stepmom has problems but she was right about a few things and dead serious I wouldn't be able to do half the things I can do if it wasn't for her.

I do love her. In some weird way I do. I use to trust her like my best friend until we had irreconcable differences. It's funny how all my sisters use to be close to her but the key word is use to. Whatever. I was gunna say she was right about having your own apartment and invading space and etc. Sure I knew she was right before and was skeptical with staying at other people's house especially a woman but I did it anyway (aka learning life the hard way)

I don't know why I look at myself like I'm special like there's something about me that's so different from others. If there is it's nothing positive.

Truthfully I'm sorry for putting you through this read or entry of my thoughts. I feel like I'm burdening you and the world. That's probably why my sister use to be a cutter and why when I was ten my mom wanted to kill herself and I was obsessed with suicide and dark things in my poetry.

You know why I was mad. Because I want to be with you. That's why I was mad. I know I'm a fucking needy ass person. I know I want certain things. I know I'm emotional. At times dramatic. Insane. Lazy. Not resourceful. Yoing. Bitchty. And a jerk. I'm sorry I'm all these things. I really am. And I think I blame myself for a lot of shit. Aka self-loathing about a lot of shit. I really feel like it's my fault ur not there. But in my mind I believe you SINCERELY, when you say ITS NOT ABOUT ME. But it effects me harshly. I believe a lot of things u say and understand it but that doesn't change how I feel. I feel like it's an uncompromisable situation. I truthfully wish and hope everyday things would be better, like the past but with so much more positive and happiness but I know it won't happen. I know what we accomplished was seriously heaven-sent but that's it. That's as far as it goes. Your free. From whatever you were running from. We would've been better off without the emotional baggage. It's one thing when someone is gone from your life and is barely a part of it.

My therapist told me I seem to have the "all or nothing" attitude and maybe that's why I'm so distraught because I'm fighting that. Hard. Trying to believe things will come together one day. ABOUT EVERYTHING. Family. Friends. Girl.

I KNOW, I KNOW I told you all of this before but if it's on my mind I nnnnneeeeeeddddd to express it. I just don't see it happening. I don't. I don't have faith or belief but apparently my heart is still in it, so I'm still here.

This is when my mind drives me insane. Thoughts about the past, my black blank future, and the current.

Oooo. It drives me crazy. I just want to switch it off. Or freeze life so I can breathe.

I just want hope back. In something.

I keep thinking about r.f.k mostly positive until a few negatives get in the way. But I will never get it back. I will never get anything back. Phew. I'm draining my ownself writing all this.

It's intense. Food for thought for a week at least.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Screaming like in "I love you man" to feel better. Haha.

Chazz good shit tonight. I'm proud of u dead serious. I know u don't read this either but fuck it I said it. I'm almost jelous of your progress and accomplishments. Just like trevor. And some other people. That don't mean I don't love yall. Cuz I do. I just need to love myself a little more you know.

God I hate nostalgia. Seeing people grow up. Things change. People forget about you.

Ahhhhhhhh. Lmao. Okay so obviously I'm in a better mood. A smidge better.

Still thinking about all this. Still miss soo much.
Still thinking of YOU!
And you and you and of course you.

Eventually someone will want this broke, crazed, spanish rapper who sleeps on his grandmother's.couch and works at gamestop for under 7.30. One day.

One day everything will be better.

I THINK I believe that.

Jam the fuck out