Succeed Or Die Trying

The following title is how I live my life. Period.

Soo let's run through some current events lol. I forgot to mention my mom came to new york friday morning, randomly for a job interview. Crazy right? And I'm not gunna lie I was happy she was here but furious she didn't tell me. Like she assumed I was going to my house in cp and left it at that. Like what? How the hell we should she feel if I just went to west palm to her house suddenly but she went to her friends house that day and never knew I was there. Sometimes I wonder where people's thought processes are. Like I haven't seen her since July and it took me a year to see her before. Anyway, whatever. I ended up seeing her obviously. It was nice.

Extrememly nice.

I love my mom to death and wish I had one relevant parent. You know? On saturday I told my therapist like I felt like since I turned 16 I been my own father and basically mother too. Sure they did certain and somethings for me but not as much as they have. Ironically it's like now that I'm older I get the less attention, no phone calls, no anything really.

What am I bird? What I mean by that is that birds just let their children go, learn how to fly and let me do their own thing. I don't think humans are SUPPOSE to be that way.

Whatever. I'm just glad I got to see her. Like all I wanted was a hug from my mom :(. That's all I wanted. To know that I still have one and can get a hug from her. Just thinking about It makes me wanna cry.

Anyway, me and my friend drank and wrote songs. It feels good to have a partner and people who believe in us. well maybe him a little more because they were his friends first, although that's a fucked up way to view things. But I'm sure either way it's sincere. One of the good things about going back is the positive friendships I have developed. :)

Anyway, after my long night, it was hard to sleep and I didn't want to get up but randomly that night my grandfather got 3 tickets to the Mets game and took me and my sister ashley.

My mom's flight was at 11 45 so we had leave before 10 30. I was exhausted BUT I still got up because I wanted to squeeze out any minute with her. Also because I was fucked up 4 years ago when she was moving to florida. The day she was leaving, I just hugged her and left the house. I don't know why did that instead of going to the airport. I went to go play ball and hang out with my then girlfriend. I think I was in denial and didn't want to face her leaving my life. And when I say someone's leaving my life I mean they lose their everyday relevance in it.

Just thinking about it we had a very deep conversation about everything.

...

I can't continue talking about it but I hope you get the point. Anyway, saturday morning/afternoon went to the mets game, dumb tired. I left before the 7th inning started and the score was 1-0. Then I went to therapy ten minutes late but had a good session except that it went quicker than any other session I've had. And I've had sessions for like ten mins where I got everything off my chest lol. Sooo wierd.

Okay than the rest of night kind of just went smoothly didn't do too much of anything. But just to add (I don't know why I get mad at this but) when my co-workers go out I don't ever get an invite anymore. I was actually praised the last couple days because I impressed the managers at my store and other stores with how good I did the walls in my store. They wanted to give me more hours n everything but of course if I did take more on, I would die lol. But I don't even get an invite to a dinner for one of our friends/ex-employees promotion and then (not that I would've gone) they go to a club last night. They talk about it in front of me but don't say a god damn thing to me about going?

Just the day before I was being complimented on my positive attitude through hard times and I'm always talk about music with my manager yet we never get anything done. No beats no anything. Whatever. I'm not bitter and I'm not going to be you know why...

Cause I know I have a plan and god has a big plan for me that I'm going to work hard for and I'm going to furfill.

Anyway, I just want to go to the movies. Just relax with a bag of popcorn and water and watch a good movie, chick flick or not :)

Last, I woke up again @ 6:50 and got to school on time but couldn't take a nap on the bus still it didn't matter. I was determined to finish the course and in good time.

My coach placed faith in me and so did my older brother DV. It also helped that I ran the curse friday that gave me major inspiration. And guess what!?!?

My team finished first. I finished 7 of 8. And I finished in 42 mins flat! And I'm not that tired, physically. Could use a nap but I'm gunna play ball. First take a shower.

Gunna post like 2 more entries (I got you angelica!). Holla at me yall...

I know people have always hated and disliked my "one-up you" I'm gunna do bette mentality but u don't understand how hard I've worked to get here and for the most part I did it by myself but with the help of a couple people too.

Just know I'm gunna succeed or die trying.

Light...

Jam the fuck out yall...