Am I Dying? And When the Good Turns Bad

"When a girl girl goes bad, she's gone forever"-Jay-Z

Thought that would be a good quote to start entry of stressful proportions. Been a long ass week and emotionally more than physical I'm drained, torn, hurt, stressed, (insert word that describes everything I just said).

Yea. Well know you know why I say fuck life lol. And yesterday my phone almost officially died. The blackberry my only physical birthday present.

(Was suppose to get a microphone and a pair of sneakers but we won't get into that. BLOAW!)

I'm not even mad about that shit. My last two birthdays were alright but I'm a make it great. (Listening to Empire State of Mind feeling better especially with the sun shining). Anyway, this week I've been exhausted but of course just because your running on e doesn't mean the drama stops coming. It's ironic because the last 3 years I've tried my absolute hardest to stay away from it all (on some HOV shit!) But people and woman always go after you.

I must say shit gets depressing, last year I definitely was depressed, maybe not severly but I think you could read it off of my face. Not much went right and I contributed some of that on to myself but ugh. Anyway, here I am soo much better but things are confusing as ever. I know who I am and what I want to be but that's about it. Mind has been boggled like the board game. Right now I actually have some people that care about me, ugly, broke or not, they do. I have people that actually go look for me and that's something I haven't had in a while.

I went back to college point this summer for my sanity, for my identity, to remember who I am. I know it's not the greatest place in the world but neither is Marcy or 8mile. Which I'm sure Jay-Z and Eminem went back to even if just for once time to rememver who they are. Hell 50cent bought his old house, made a studio, and recorded a whole album where he use to live with his grandma. Something about where you were brought up brings up nostalgic thoughts that make you whole. Regardless of how FUCKED UP it was for you at one time, there's some inspiration, some rememberence, some homage being paid when you go to where you use to live and College Point is that place for me.

I always went back I just never told anybody. I would just see my family and bounce and people would be like where you been Jam? And I'd ignore it. I looked down at these people like I was sooo much better than them because I've made something of myself and continue to. But who am I to think I'm better than an individual who just didn't have my determination, who didn't want to overcome the troubles they went to.

Who was I? To do that. I was and am nobody in that sense. To place judgement. So instead I just know who I am and yea, intellectually, yea school wise, ambition wise, and everything I could be better than everbody I give dap to but that doesn't mean I'm too good to hang out with them, to treat them like they're not human. To not offer a helping hand. If someone needs me I'm here, otherwise if they don't want my help fuck it, that's on them.

If I was in their position I would want someone to try to help me and at one point I was in that situation but I chose to take a different route. I chose to make myself better and it did help that I moved out of the place but spirtually did I ever leave?

I don't think so.

I think I needed to go back to remember who I was. Why I'm doing what I'm doing and that even though I left I got people who show love. People who I can share stories with. People who will remember me, period. That's what it did for me. I got to remember what it was like to have a family, with my sister there, with my aunt and uncle back together.

And in conclusion I don't judge anymore, I'm just here to be the helping hand the hope. What obama is to a little black kid in chicago is what I want to be for people in college point. I'm not the only one who'se moved on though, I have my friend Dayna who'se making something of herself and she knows how I feel. She has the same heart for the place although she's moved on in life. And that's why our personalities mesh and I understand her.

Anyway, that wasn't the point of this entry. I just needed to get that off my chest.

This week I've been exhausted like I said and on friday, yesterday I finally had school off and was trying to be fine doing nothing. Mission accomplished. I ran and didn't worry about doing something. If something happen it did if it didn't it didn't. It was sooo weird. Not rushing. Not caring but it's exactly what I needed PLUS about 9 hours of decent sleep.

Then I ran over 5miles and didn't leave DV behind who thought he wouldn't make it. But he did. That's my brother. And I know there days you wanna give up but you don't and I definitely put a smile on his face for that.

Anyway, I was SUPPOSE to go to a st.john's party which never happend instead me and my boy wrote music, drank by ourselves and chilled.

the rest of the night was terrible, horrible I might say. Won't say why but it was.
Now I'm tired again but will be doing nothing today. Just relaxing, maybe some hw, maybe a movie and then tomorrow I'm going to kill in cross country.

Although I'm all fucked up mentally be on the lookout for more music. It's coming. I promise. I feel it. I really do.

Jam the fuck out yall...

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