Happy Halloween

I just wanted to make onnnnneeeee last entry in october as another pretty decent month has gone by with a lot of controversial and good shit happen to me. What I just wanted to get off my chest is this age of...being in between. I assume mad people feel the way I do, when they reach my age but it's awkward. Like extremely. Where did 19 year olds fit in? Really? In anything?

But anyway, it's something about emptiness, familiness, and the speciality (I'm making up words n shit)of a holiday. Eventhough "Halloween" isn't like a REAL holiday, something about it makes me want to either do some wild shit, dress up like I was a little kid but play with the grown up kids or maybe even be a kid again. MAYBE that's what having your own kids are for, to teach them and let them bring out the holiday spirit we all kind of lose when we get older.I just wanna celebrate everything. Idk why but I do.

Whatever. I hope everyone has a fantastic, orgasmic night and that no one is left alone or didn't do ANYTHING today.

I don't know what to title this: Random Shit

Hey yall this may be my lasy entry of october, tear drop. Wow the streets are flooded with people. I'm not gunna lie I miss being young but when I was younger I would be missing out on sex lol. Not that that it is or isn't a constant thing in my life. Anywho, just saw this kid with a wolverine costume brought back memories. Lol. And I'm listening to "Empire State of Mind."

Well I really don't know what this entry is about. It's not a rant or a string of personal reandom shit. Idk. I just wanted to right and say life is a roller coaster and I NEED confidence, CONFIDENCE, and CONFIDENCE. Seriously, where can I buy some?

And I just wanted rto also say that I'm 19years old, I say it like it's some secret but it's hard to believe. A lot of times I feel and know I'm really mature, not only for my age but in general but than I wonder if experience or this lack of confidence plus society's (media I guess) views on certain things that hold me back. Like when I'm around certain people I'm quiet, submissive. With other people I'm loud and obnoxious. But when I go out I feel grown up and that's a really good feeling but what makes it bad is when I don't fit in or when people make comments about my age. Especially connecting it with my attitude, personality, and the way I act(?). I don't know. And I will never figure it out. All I know is each day I do get older, smarter, dumber, fatter, it's whatever in the cards.

Happy Halloween yall

Only Jay-Z...

Yes. For those who know ONLY jay-z can do a bunch of shit and get away with it as well perform at events that no one in rap could've have imagined. For example, yesterday Jay-Z performed at yankee stadium (to my knowledge he's the first "rapper" ever to do something like that). It's amazing what one man accomplish. Sometimes i wonder if i could really even achieve 1/16 of his fame, love, friends, hate, success, and money. But regardless if i ever achieve my own dreams, Jay-Z has opened the door for hiphop, opened the door to Kanye West's ignorance and creativity. It's crazy. It makes me happy and the fact that he performed "Empire State of Mind" at the new yankee stadium leaves me speechless. I'm a little upset that he didn't do the third verse but the vibe is so paramount. Crazy. And on that note i also want to mention that i think i would pee in my pants, lmao, if even got a hook from Jay-Z but i have to remember that NOBODY is perfect. Not even our idols. They have faults, that we accept. Jay-Z probably did some grimey shit to "the little people" all big GUYS do but for everybody they trashed, they also helped other random people out. Through their music, charity, concerts, and being endorsements for political and social figures. That's just a rant because jay-z got dissed ONCE AGAIN, but an old friend of his, but that's life i guess.

Just enjoy the performance and for the first time in life, i don't hate the yankees. I want them to win and i feel this new sense of NEW YORK PRIDE. Except Pedro Martinez is my nigga! lol. Had to throw in something retarded.

Hope You Haven't Forgotten About Me

Lol. True Story though. I know I been M.I.A. And only certain people have seen my face but hopefully I can find time for everyone. Including myself. This week has been very quiet thus my silence. Like I can't even believe that it's almost friday. I guess in recent days or maybe just today I've been in like a daze. The way I definie days is just like things go on and as a person you just kind of oblivious or not paying much attention to your surroundings. It's strange.

I can't really say much more than that as of right now. Basketball season, finals, and much more are coming. People's birthdays, holidays, essays. It's crazy. I'm nervous n worried but trying to ignore it.

Talk to yall later. About to read after I finish zoning to Lil Wayne's "No Ceilings"

4th on Paper, 1st in our hearts? Can I say that...

Hey yall,

Before I knock out and go do work/play ball I just decided to write the resutts of todays cross country meet. Both the girls and guys finished fourth. I'm a little sore but whatever. I thought I was going to run a 36 or close to it. Thought my pace was good but I think me and DV fell behind in the beginning which translated into a weak run. Although it felt like I was doing really well.

I'm a little dissappointed, in our performance as a team and my individual performance. Really thought I was gunna do well but it still was my 2nd best time of the year. Which is crazy. Oh well. I'm happy and definitely doing cross country again next year. I think I'm going to run at least once a week in the track when I can. I think it will be good. Confidence slowly rising. I know it hasn't peaked yet, not close but when it does...watch out world. Jonathan Andrew Martinez aka Jam Young is coming. Be prepared.

:) laterrrrrrrrr

Poetic Practice

Everytime I try to do, something for you
It's like I'm doing wrong to you, ain't nothing right that I can do, I'm like a sickness, swine flu, with no medicine
There you go, getting into my head-again, there you go, telling me you won't give me head-again, if I don't head out and make some friends, make some ends, so I take my pen,

And do just that, make friends with my fans, make ends from the raps, but you still complain,
Nothing good that I can do, too young, too immature, too hood for you, well if that's true
I can totally understand why where at, where we're at,
Trying climb up the hill cause there ain't no flat, lands, just a bad, man, but no one can do what I can, I swear

Yet no one believes me...
Yet no one wanna tell me how they miss me, wanna see me, NOPE,
A year passes, burning like some acid, ashes, rashes, nasty, ugh, need some asses, in handy, instead of my hand be, which I don't even use,
Cause the paper I abuse, with the gears in my mind, my troubles are my tools,
Wreckless fools, leave me with no food

But I hunt, and make the best of it, trying not to mess with it, whatever suboncious thoughts are under my fitted

It is what it is, either I got the golden ticket, or I survive through my endeavors and learn to live with it...you feel it...

Poetic Practice, got me exposed like a cactus, no shades, everydays, like this,, survive through my endeavors and learn to live with it, ya dig it?

"So Much To Gain In So Little Time"

You ever heard a song that saved you, or comforted you during a time where you were really upset? And then hear it again when you're fine, and it brings back this wierd feeling? Like a feeling that you;re glad you've overcame that sadness for the most part? That's how I feel when I listen to this song called "Emotional Distress" by Charles Hamilton. It's crazy, I remember going to school everyday Mad early, waiting for the 2 train to go to school. Doing work, going to sleep, feeling uneasy, worried, anxious, and sad. I know I've probably mentioned this a lot, but I really believe I was depressed for a long portion of last season and it took me a WHILE to get out of it. I'd say probably till April/May of this year. I was fully removed from the situation and even then that's debatable.

I'm not really sad on the surface now a days just under the layers. A lot of anger toward the first girl I fell in love with, towards a few of my "friends" who I thought would be there for me, my grandparents, my parents especially. That's like the root of it all. But anyway, I don't mind sharing my world with yall for now because I know that this is my therapy. When I can't tell my therapist how I feel I can tell my blog and myself. It's a strange concept but whatever.

Anyway, I haven't been blogging because I get bloggers block lol. Tell people I coined that, alright :)

It's been a llllloooooonnnnngggg exhausting week. One I haven't had in a while. Bunch of school work due, ran a lot more this week, short and long distance, basketball worries, nerves which fuck up my game soooo much. It makes me furious. I'm a good ball player and that's why I'm on the team but my insecurities get the best of me sometimes. Whatever. This week is over and tomorrow starts a new!

Tomorrow, is a good day for cross country. Weather will be bright and good. Not too hot, which is peeeerrrrfffecccctt. I'm going for the best time ever. 36. If I do that means I would've not only shaved close to ten pounds but 6 minutes and change off of my running time. We need to win :)

Talk to you guys later!

P.S. I'm trying to stay positive but I'm late for therapy again. Fuck. Stay positive.

P.P.S. Got to therapy 20mins late. Needed those extra twenty...

Embrace GOOOD Music

ESSO - View From The Top [Official Video] Directed by Puma from stupid GENIUS on Vimeo.

The title ALONE should be enough to LISTEN :)

Nights To Remember Turn Into Mornings of Happyness

Hey yall,

I'm tired and very lazy aswell as anxious. I have a bunch of work to do and it's killing me. I feel sort of like a vegetable today. Just there, dead, sitting here.

Outside doesn't look too bad. I'm gunna take a shower and get things done. I have to really try, really really try.
Study for anthro.
Read for South Park Class.
Buy 2 books.
Wash clothes.
Write two esays.
Mentally prepare for basketball and cross country.
Pray for a close friend that's had a rough couple months.

I feel like there's more. It's just crazy. I feel very wierd today. Yesterday I hung out with dv and some other people. Saw a movie. Ate. In the city. I felt kind of good/wierd. Like I've done it before but I feel like NOW I'm becoming a man because I'm not doing all this with just one person. Also the people I hang out with don't make me feel irresponsible, immature, or young. Like it's cool.

But it makes me miss when I use to do it with other people.

Anywho, I realized, well I've realized this before but not all aspects of life will ever be GREAT and days are going to drag and be whatever BUT that's alright. Because aslong as most of things are alright, or more than alright than there is always reason to smile.

And for some reason I feel partially conplete. Complete in terms of, I have a lot of things in place in my life. It's just because of that I'm more exhausted and have to be more prepared than ever. So I think that's what's draining and killing me. But overall I'm fine.

I've learned a lot about myself. My skill. My flaws. And what I need to get a move on with. So let's hope that can happen.

I'm gunna make today a good and productive day.

Everybody smile...

Recommendation Part 8: Bored To Death

I just wanted to also recommend this show. I have yet to see Curb your enthusiam but most HBO are pretty hot. It's only 3/4 episodes in so everyone you have time to catch up. The main character's name is Jonathan and he's a writer... that should be enough to see it right? lol. He's also very short and an unlicesened dectitive. Just try it out...no harm in that. :)

right?

Reinact

Sorry i keep posting videos but the more i'm on an actual computer, the more shit i find that i label as AMAZING. This performance is pure hip-hop and one day i would like to do something like this for eminem or jay-Z.

(2)Dope fiRE Song

Yes yall i do listen to other songs BESIDES RAP. Everytime i hear this song on the radio, i zone. It inspires me. Shit is pretty hot and if you haven't heard it...than you heard it here first!!!!

Told yall I'm back on my blogging SHIT :)

Holy FUCKING SHIT...

Now i usually try to stay away from perverted shit on my blog unless it's subliminal but after seeing this TWICE...holy shit. This was posted on twitter by a couple people but i couldn't see it because i was on my phone. NOW that i viewed it...you will understand the title of the entry. That's all i can say. I'm turned on, amazed, and in total complete shock. I must say that from what i've heard, and experienced that white girls dominate the category of "giving head" and there's no doubt this is the reason why.

I'd also like to say she has that shit down her throat. You could see it moving. My shit (referring to...rhymes with Martinez lol)... let's say she would eat me alive, in 2 minutes.

Damn, i want to rant but i'm speechless at the same time. WTF...
life yo

Artist Exposure Section: Introducting Karlovy "Knowing You a Fan..."

Above me, is the first official video i believe that any Gwopp Gettaz/K.O.S member has ever done. The video features many of the members in Gwopp Gettaz/K.O.S. but the most important one at the moment if Karlovy (use to have Sanchez @ the end).

Karlovy is somebody I've personally known for almost 4 years now. He's actually the first person outside of the little crew i had that i did a song with. I respected that. He was part of the Hidden Hand movement at one time, which i use to associate with but now everybody is a new group, and Karlovy is trying to make real moves. The first by creating this video and second dropping his second solo mixtape, which I'm hoping should be dope. I personally like him, a lot of his music. He's definitely got better and in the scheme of things is my competition, it's a friendly competition though. So in honor of his moves and for the respect i have for him, i decided to be nice and put up his video WHICH I HOPE THAT EVERYONE VIEWS.

The song is one of the best ones i've heard from him. Dre, Karlovy's real name, has a unique sound to his voice and in my opinion a lot of potential which i hope he can transform into a career. I don't necessarily agree with everything he or anyone else is doing but i respect it and until i get my shit together, i cannot vocalize that opinion very often. We've been out of contact in recent but i hope i can get some records done with him and the crew. I wish him the best of luck and will be talking about him further as my music career is moving out of the station.

Tell me what you guys think....my opinon will be said LATER lol

:)

Love Life, Fuck circumstances haha

Life is the SAT's, Not Many People Ace It

Metaphors. Similies. Nouns. Expressions. Cliches. Verbs. Pretenious words.

Those are the things that make me feel comfortable and at times very uncomfortable.

I would just like to say I think we, as people, are our own worst enemies. Just felt like saying that. I'm not in the mood to explain.

Lately, I've been this oximoron. I been feeling good but at the same time, I feel like dying. I don't understand it at all really. Like I'm drained, all the time. I'm lost in class, I feel like, but I'm doing pretty well in every class by test scores and shit. So I don't know what it is. Wierd. I know. Plus things are also going fast/slow.

Like time is really wierd as well. I don't know. Feeling saine and not saine, is extremely confusing for me. I'm just in a strange state.

I have more to write and say but can't.

Just want send my wishes out to someone who has had a big impact in my life. I know mentally things areprobably worse than how I'm feeling now but you'll get through it. Maybe not over it but be well enough to live life to the fullest again.

Positive Assertion

Confidence. I just want to say with all the bullshit that has been around and going around I'm still positive as can be. It's crrraaazzzzyyyy. I'm excited.and worried. I'm like 80percent sure I'm a be on the team again but that 20percent is killing. Regardless I know I'm nice. Not nasty, yet. But I'm a solid player. No superstar but I get it in. And that's all I wanna prove.

Yesterday was a major confidence booster with scoring, dribbling and my overall game so now it's time to excute. I've been working almost as hard as I can. Lifting weights and playing and for once, I'm happy and confident.

Fuck that "I'm fat shit." Fuck it, I'm fat. I know it. I'm still trying to lose it BUT it won't fuck with my game. I'm a score, I'm a pass.

Love the game...
Jam

Do You Ever Wonder? Do You Ever Have Doubts? If It's Not Human Nature than What Is It About?

Hey yall, sorry for my absence. I got a tons of crap to post, pictures, information, plans, updates, videos, songs... I need to do something a bit more interesting. By 2010, I'm looking to remodel.

If anybody knows how to make a blog look more official, anybody who fixes myspaces, creates fan pages, videos, anything entertainment wise.

So I would just like to let people know that Audrey and I finally (my fault lol) executed our brunch/interview, which was pretty cool. She asked a lot of good questions, which actually stumped me. My boy Julian also was interviewed for the same issue (I think) that I'll be in, so it should be hot. I was a bit nervous but it made me feel professional.

We're actually going to re-do it for youtube on some ESPN hot zone shit, so people get to know me a bit better, off the blog and off the music. I really want to come out with two cd's at once. What was suppose to be Most Likely II Succeed and the new cd, The heart is where home is... And just a reminder, I need to copy right ALL thousand of my lyrics so if anybody knows about that, it would all be very appreciative. If I don't get help...

I gotta do it by myself.

Anyway, the title of the entry is basically me talking about feeling there's something missing. I don't have many unbiased opinions so it's kind of wierd saying I'm nice, eventhough I believe I am. I feel like almost every rhyme, every month I get better, especially flow wise. I'm actually very excited and nervous of this process.

I need a co-sign. I need people, fans, bloggers, websites, to like me. I wanna have a fan in fucking oregon lol. I want to branch off but whatever.

A previous album/mixtape I posted up was by Hannibal King, who might be asking me to do a verse for one of his upcoming projects. I just want to be able to do well and have certain production. I feel like if have 2 hannibal beats, puerto roc beat, woody and blackthebeast beat with d.munoz production plus regular instrumentals mixed with soundclick producers, I can do have a solid, valuable mixtape which can be embrassed by the public. I need a direction but I don't. I just want a mixtape that people can't deny their ears.

It's wierd.

I just have believed in myself so long, I feel like I'm the only believer. It's crazy. I don't know...I feel like the "right" time is coming, the coming of age. I'm gunna miss being 19 for real. Being 20 means I have to PUSH myself to extreme limits. It's pretty nerve wrecking. Like I'm (in my mind) a very mature, philosophical, introspective, knowledgable "teenager" although I've never looked at myself as a teen but it's different from being a mature teenager to a mature MAN. I believe I am a man but this would be different. I have to step up. No more excuses. I have no real tangiables, no kids. Just a dollar and a dream. I just need ONE person's help.

I don't know. Plans never work out but hopefully it turns out better than how I planned :)

Talk to you beautiful people later. New entries coming...

Re-Update

I haven't put a title with the "re" which is part of my re-birth plan, WHICH is going pretty well. Can't Lie. It's just crazy the emotions I have been feeling and dealing with since the lastblog entry. When too much goes on and too many feelings occur AND idon't have a blackberry (which I've gotten back :)) or have a computer near by, these feelings kind of go to waste and once I don't express myself I go through a mini-hiatus or hibernation from blogging SO I appreciate all my frequent readers. The blog is here to see a deeper view on my life, on my MUSIC, fashion, music that I like, and whatever other bullshit I put up :) haha.

I just had to explain that. So I'm making myself blog. I did really good last month, for whatever reason, in blogging and I like to continue GOOD trends, intentionally.

I got sooo much I wanna write but I wanna say that I found out that my aunt reads my blog, which is a bit disturbing BECAUSE I've never really let a family member know how I REALLY feel in complete honesty with no holes and I can do that on my blog, for now. But she kind of has turned into my friend and my aunt at the same time. She's really helpful and supportive and that sounds like a good friend and AUNT if you ask me. She's also in school for her masters which is pretty cool. She's the only one with a bachelor degree in my family, so as I chase her, she continues to accomplish new things and she's .... Can't say her age :) she hates that.

I'll post soon, I promise, to you and to myself. Gunna sleep while I'm on my way to run 5.3 miles in less than 2 hours. Wish me luck.

P.S. Happy Birthday, Again Dad (Oct.6)

And I wanna do well today, please give me the strength.

P.P.S although my blog is extremely personal and everyone who reads it gets to see an introspective Jonathan, my music is the key to my life, past, present, and future...so when I give you emotional music just know it's true to some extent. I wear clothes but in my music I'm naked...

I will write soon...

A problem that's unleashed
A pain that's real deep
Cut, flesh, blood, of my heart
Cliche topics, but of the real life sort
the battlefield of a beloved sport

I can't ever say much... so my anger is erupting,
Volcano, of frustration, pour out, my steam is hot lava

Who's to blame, is it you? is it me?
It is we, but at the same, i can not take, much blame
Personally, feeling
Can't be told how to feel

Shred, Cut, Slice, Rip, Peel, Fight,
Beaten
Sore
I cannot take much more, damage
For my sanity will rest in utter tears

No piece, or Peace
Scream

Silent

Who's to blame, is it you? is it me?
It is we, but at the same, i can not take, much blame
Personally, feeling
Can't be told how to feel

The undoable, unmovable
heart, brain
Choice...
Life...

A Big Thank Youuuuuuu (In Soulja Boy Voice)

Hey yall, the title got published yesterday by accident and i couldn't take it off so today i'm going to write the entry. I basically felt yesterday, that i was appreciated and i needed to thank and appreciate the people that have done things for me. Taken me in. Ever done anything for me. OBVIOUSLY i won't remember everybody and certain people have A LOT more reasons than others but i'm a just start. SOO if you read this and your name isn't there or you feel SLIGHTED, than that's your punishment for even thinking that your not as important as anyone else on the list. SURE, some people have done more than others but in my mind it doesn't take away from the things that you've/they've done. So just KNOW i'm thank you. PERIOD.

My MOM (for always, or almost always putting my wants and needs first. Sometimes we forget and have our OWN problems, which i'm learning are important too. It's just that when your a mom, i think you have to be one of the most powerful and strong people on earth. Your the strength of the family because everybody NEEDS their MOM and their effect on a child's life i think is just slightly more important than a fathers. I love you mom and we're all humans and have faults but that doesn't stop me from wanting a hug from you...)

My Father (if i could only express everything to you and for you to just understand and get it. I don't know exactly who YOU are anymore and i don't think you understand who you are anymore but i Still LOVE YOU. I still have hope that you will fix your life and we'll eventually fix our relationship. Even if it doesn't happen, your still somebody i admire, for not being a coward in taking responsibility, i just wish you listened, asked for help, and that we could have been a lot closer. I miss you and i thank you for giving me your sensitivity. I'm learning that having the traits i have and being myself is what i have to accept)

My grandparents on my Mom's side (You guys might have been bad parents to my mom and my aunt but you guys really tried to be GREAT grandparent's to us. OF course, we're both misunderstood because of our LARGE generation GAP, but you tried to understand. You showed even if we never really talked. You tried to keep "spanish" alive and helped me with my hw and discipline when my parent's weren't there to. I miss you guys and i really, REALLY hope that you guys don't die in Ecuador without me giving you the biggest hug in the world. If you do though, i will come to Ecaudor just to lay on top of your grave with the flowers i promised to bring you).

My grandparents from my dad's side (At first i didn't have the biggest appreciation for you guys but now i do. Taking me in and really showing me a family environment makes me not want to leave. SURE, i live on a couchbed but what you guys provide, guidance and annoying nagging is what i truley need. A hug, a kiss, and values. THANK YOU GUYS sooo much. This is the reason i'm writing this...is because of you guys)

... I can't keep writing why, i'm crying in my school library and can't take it.
So here are my spontanious list off the top of my head.
Tita (Aunt, Anne-Marie)
Tia Hilda (Aunt, Hilda)
Ashley (sister)
Victoria (sister)
Carrie Huggins (amazing person & Friend)
Sam (step-mom)
Marc (ex-bf)
Cory & Ryan (you guys were a pair and we were like the three musketters once upon a time ago (neighbors, ex-bfs))
Hugo
Kayla Berenson (sorry if i spelled your name wrong)
Nelson & John
Ashley Valencia
Mike J. Gottie (my brother man, i miss you a lot and hope that our dreams come true)
David Reyes
Julian Cazares
Jody Popper (Motherly Guidance, i hope to see you soon)
Steve (i still love you even if you do some Asshole shit to the people you love)
Johnny F
Trevor Stark & His WHOLE Family
Farah Khan
Jeremy
Jennifer Lee Pang (:))
Danny
Jerome (i hope shit gets going)
Leo, Jason, Oscar, & Alex
Lisa Chen
Jennifer
Lydia
Justin & Mr. Snype
Evelyn (babysitter, got me my first cologne, my first bandanas, probably the best, loving babysitter)
Ava & Jp & Sofia
Mike Mulstay
Lisa Byheny
Dominic Henderson
Jed Herman
Ms. Bengals (wherever you are, THANK YOU SOOO MUCH for believing in my poetry)
First grade teacher who told me to ALWAYS ask questions (even if i was annoying)
Karlovy aka Dre
Stephanie Rubino
Stephanie Tolli
Catherine Medina
David & Jason
Daniel Velesquez (DV, my other older brother, for real. Bond is EXTRA deep)
Coach Podias
Mr. Kim
Ms. Ameras
Mr. Ertel
Jonathan Franke
Brian Franke
Mike Breen (Nassif) and his family
RFK Building
Marc's MOM
Mrs. Valencia
Mr. Pernick
Kiko
Limor
Angelica Berry
Audrey Allure
Alexis
Norris
Floyd
Sebastian (yall 3 damn son, the memoires and the drama)
Tiffany & Angela (3 way!!!!!!!!!!)
Lilya (forever be my prom date and i ain't mad at that)
Billy
Ashely Astarita
Stefon
Stephen Brooks
Stephanie Gonzalez
Brittany West
Frannie Monches
Sweetina Kakar
Tim (first put me on to basketball)
Dayna
ANBODY WHO READS THE BLOGS
Eminem, Jay-Z, Kanye West, Charles Hamilton
MUSIC
Life
(and if there is one) God