(Tons Of)Reasonable Doubt

Soooo... I guess I'm writing too many blog entries for people to keep up with. (Insert sad face) I guess shit (always)happens. Kind of had my little excitement of the day taken away from me.
...............(From this point on total honesty is about to occur)..........

Shit is crazy. I have (technically) 9 followers plus a few annonoymous readers I guess from time to time but that's it. Maybe people don't really care about my true inner thoughts, that much or maybe it's that with a combination of me being nervous as to how personal a lot of entries I write is. I only allowed like 25 ppl if that to read my blog. I decided not to invite people to read it. It's too intense and I'm personally not ready for all that pressure, IF people even CARE THAT MUCH. ( )<--- at least THAT MUCH. It's hard because I started this to be extremely truthful, brutal, painful,joyful, exciting, connect, re-connect with people, and also promote my work, my art, my second love, MUSIC. (F.y.I first crush = art, first love = basketball but my second love has taken most of my heart) so I guess I'm going to make a separate blog for when I start taking my music completely serious and when people begin to take my music seriously. SERIOUSLY? Yea...
Wow that was really hard for me to admit. It hurts me. A little more than a bit.

Now for today, therapy was intense. Been feeling extremely weird lately, physically, mentally, and whatever other way there is. Shit is stressful. Everytime something semi-good comes along it deadass lasts maybe a day or two before it starts getting extremely complicated, feeling invested, emotions.
EMOTIONS: the thing that drives us as humans but the same thing that kills us as humans to the point of feeling unhuman. (Feel free to overthink that :))

So me and my therapist had a short session and I hope we get to elaborate that shit. And figure this crap out. Everything. Life. It's all just wild. Sometimes I need a temporary suicide or a fucking remote to slow shit down or put the world on pause while screaming "HOLD THE FUCK UP" let me catch my breathe and smell the roses. I know, what a cliche but I am not a cliche.
huff and puff, catching feelings I am. We all are.

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.!!!!

Okay, well followers. Here it goes my honesty box UNLEASHED. I doubt like a motherfucker. Doubt a lot. Everyday I listen and write music. And realize am I really that good? Am I really determined? That destined? Am I hopeful? Crazy? Did I really have a dream or a revelation because god told me, dead ass TOLD ME I was "born to this music thing, aint bob dylan but I was born to sing." I wrote that, in this song from ML2S "Shine". Only one person heard it and she didn't like it. But it's a real hip-hop song. So I hear other people and wonder am I good enough? My flow has been shitty since I started. Idk why. I'm a born lyricst though. I just have a way with words that so many ears get away with the words, I use. Lol. Get it? Fuck it, don't sweat it. Hahaha. I'm rapping, blogging, talking. Then again rapping is just talking over a sound/instrumental.
Ya dig? Yea I dig it.

So I had a little boost of confidence though, on a positive note. I did a little better at work. And right before we left I spit some ill shit to my manager/future rap partner/friend/a lot of things. Lol. He pretty much digged everything I wrote but he loved and I mean loved this verse. It was pretty sick. When I wrote it I was impressed, at the time. The security guards came and loved the shit too. Damn and I just turned 19, like DV says " that's CCCRRRAZY" lol! But I still feel like my delivery needs to be drastically improved eventhough it has but I still have some way to go you know?
And it's a list of shit. My grandma keeps hounding me though. I can't take stress and listening sometimes. It's just too much. And now I understand down time a bit more. Why people want it so bad. But idk. Again. Let me emphasize how much I hate stress. Especially when it coming from woman, family, friends, guys. Whatever. I lost my energy for the conversation. The truth is gone. I don't know why I am so down now.

I think I need some of my own advice or medicine. Idk. That's why the title is reasonable doubt. Another play on words with jay-z's first album and my own insecurities.

Ohh and I didn't work out today. Whatever though. Tomorrow should look up. I hope and swear it does.

And for the spontaneous purpose of saying it: I LOVE YOU. That's not directed toward anyone specific but I feel like people need to hear it. I certainly need some love/loving. Affection is key.

Intimacy, problem or solution. The crazy part is when you want it from someone you can't get it.

End of entry, again spontaneous ending.

~Jam The Fuck Out~