First, I'm a fucking emotional fucker.
Now that, THAT is out the way let's go on...
Since this is my ultimate venting space, then here we go.
I am angry, maybe not at the world but at soooooo many things. I believe that this anger holds people back subconciously and I think for the most part it's true. I hold myself back a lot. I have an extremely unconfident, low self esteem, issue.
I hate the fact that family wise we just don't have much money. Money probably just enough to survive. All my life it's been like that but it was different. We still had money (I think) to live it up a bit, just a bit.
Meaning this is just bullshit. I know I'm not the oÑly one who feels this way. Maybe when you're little you don't realize that money is ever an issue but I guess it was.
When I was little my parents were evicted, then when I got older my mom and dad both lost their jobs at different times for different reasons. My grandparent's put their name on the house. My aunt's been broke. Blah blah blah. Yea.
To be honest though, I don't want a god damn soul pittying me. Why? Because I only use all of this bullshit around me to persevere. Always. Especially in highschool. I guess in the back of your mind everything pyschologically fucks with you.
"Everyone has problems and you shouldn't hold on to it" and blah blah blah. I cannot see life that way. SORRY. I give helping hands. Money, ear, love, shoulder if someone needs it. I ask and I hope that if someone needs it that they WOULD ask even if they don't want to.
Anyway, that's why I'm angry. I'm angry. I'm sad underneath. Damn straight I am. I wear it on my sleeves like a fucking coat or an iverson band (from back in the day) and you know what? Rather than hiding it like normal fuckers I wear that shit like my fucking skin. Cause it is my skin. I keep going. There are things in life that make me happy. A lot of things are hard to obtain because even the so-called happy things carry luggage, carry BULLSHIT.
Love carries the biggest bullshit.
You know what I realized? Nothing is fun subconciously when your in love with someone you can't be with. And it drags on you. I really think it does. You can fuck girls, go out with girls, go out with your boys, go to a strip club, get drunk, get high, have crushes on other girls (people) but u know what, at the end of the day, YOU'RE STILL IN LOVE with someone you CANNOT HAVE and CANNOT LOVE. YUP. Subconciously, it fucks around with you. Dead ass. Especially being in a relationship and than being free from one. BEING single has it's perks like things in life, but when you like being in a relationship and you like being with that one person you love it is completely different. The key word is love. Over meaningless. All these girls that you meet are meaningless unless somehow they can grab your undivided attention in order to somehow help you get over the girl you're in love with.
Which opposes a thousand other questions? Does love ever truley go away? Can you really get "over" someone you love? Can you fall in love with more than one person AND how many times can you REALLY fall in love?
With these questions it's impossible to figure out anything, especially when you are in love. And unlike these movies we watch, who have ppl fall in love countless times it's not like that. Also, for example, like in nick and norah's playlist, NICK was NOT in love with the girl he was initally with. He just really liked her and she was his first everything I guess but it's not the same as being in love. When you're in love every fucking rule, life situation gets twenty bazillion times more complicated. It's really just bulllllllsssshhhhhiiiiit.
Okay I know I sound like some fucking sitcom or a fucking into to some chick flick but what I'm saying is a hundred/thousand percent true.
And soO I am mad. I am angry because everyone around me (family and love wise) has evaporated. I like being alone sometimes. I like being able to write music in peace. I like that shit but at the same time it's hard.
My father who I probably have the biggest complex with is the most difficult of them all.
And what's the biggest bullshit in the world is that people who get hurt have to be understanding because forces bigger than themselves have taken over and created a course.
When your parent's get divorced there's nothing you can do about it.
When the women/male you love leaves to figure themselves out, there's nothing you can do about it.
When your mother leaves to another state, nothing you can do about it.
When your dad was always working and continues to take care of a few billion kids there's nothing you can do about it.
When you're separated from your sister's nothing you can do about it.
It's kind of like death.
Nothing you can do about it except letting everything take it's course.
Whatever, I can't even finish this...
Later
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