Revisitation Reights/Writes Part II: Regurgitation Session

Okay well I wanna do a few entries before the month ends and the last month of summer ends and the school year begins. But basically this entry is to just spit everything out, like I do at my therapy session. Some will have details, some may not but I'm just laying everything flat out there for the world to see me stripped naked down to nothing. Just my balls and my word like a speedo (XV line). It's crazy.

First, I'm at my dad's house, the house I lived in for 2 years and change before I basically packed a suitcase and left last summer into another situation I shouldn't have gotten into. Last summer is in my mind like everyday. On rewind. It was like the summer of deception, confusion, growing, and lonerness. Half the summer I was literally by myself. Before getting into arguments with friends and a girl I use to mess with. It is amazing. I don't see the girl anymore. We talk occasionally but that's all. It still amazes me how even with so much feeling for someone and being there for them you can just go to not even being friends, not knowing eachother, not kissing, not anything. In a matter of months. Anyway, point is last summer wasn't great. Didn't know what to expect. Just left home. Grandma started crying telling me how worried she was about me and etc. It was real heavy on me.

I mean I tried to tell this one girl I use to mess with about it and I don't think she understood the impact on me, for everything. Sure people experience similar, even worse stuff but it's different for everyone. It wasn't the typical rejoice, yay! Last summer before I go to college shit you see on television, no. More like a fucking soap opera.

My sister ran away. My mom was in ny. Left the day after I graduated. Worked on graduation day. Had a bad july 4th because of arguments. Was by myself for a month. Girl I was messing with went to visit her family. She was worried I'd cheat on her (lol) didn't hang out with anybody really. No graduation parties. Just mad negativity. Plus I was nervous about basketball. Trying to find an apartment. No family support. Nothing. Then girl and I separated. School was different/difficult. Traveling hours a day.

I know it sounds like complaining but please bare with me. I need to rant.

Long story short, I was misreable. Terribly. Starbucks was getting hectic. People got mad at me there. Talked to this girl, fucked that up. It was just wild. Anyway, Idk how long it's been but about 2 or.3 months ago I started the re-birth plan. Which was working fine. Up until now. Now of course everyone has a relapse or a slip-up so I have argued, been upset, jelous, about situations but for the most part I'm happy. ESPECIALLY in florida.

Deadass it was like I was 14 again. My mom, my sisters. It was good. Eventhough my mom worked everyday (morning and night), I don't have a car or know how to drive, I was suppose to chill with these kids, woke up late every morning, it was still awesome.
I am a go-getter and that's what I do. I go out there and paint the fucking city red. Now that I'm gone my sisters hit me up on aim and text me how much they miss me. How its not as much fun. Etc. Etc. It's just sad. And my mom use to be depressed once upon a time ago. Right after she broke up with my dad and was in love with this 20 something year old who wouldn't be with her because she had three kids. She lost her job. DARK depression. I remember it like it was yesterday. Remember her telling me how much she loved me but couldn't go on. Trying to make her death look like a suicide blah blah blah. Then she traveled the world and would be gone for a while.

Well now she's getting divorced a second time so I worry. I'm going to call her more often. I am already. Cause my mom is still a good mom eventhough she has negatives about her. At least now she's more positive.

Anyway, sooo I come back to new york.I touch down, hour later I'm at a party drinking red bull and vodka with people who appreciate me. Mike casas, marc, bunch of people from my childhood. Wild. For real. People say how I was this amazing ball player, how I'm gunna be famous one day. Really good stuff. Makes me feel good. So plan re-birth is working BUT I feel a void. Something's not right. I feel it even know, with my eyes closing slowly. That there's something not right, something different about me and my city.

Two days later, aunt walks in tells me my dad got cheated on, I should support him, he's getting a divorce, again. I'm like wtf!?!?!?!

What more can I do? I don't really depend on him for much or my mom or anyone for that matter. I'm focused. Positive. Etc. Etc. But my family is still a bunch of lost people who I can't help or fix. Soo I start just crying. Bursting in tears. Don't know what else to do and I still don't.

Then tuesday, talk to my therapist about it. Almost start crying again.

Now let's back track saturday I was suppose to perform didn't happen but I'm not mad just wish I could've.

So basically I don't feel right. Not right at all. Being back here. Starting school soon. None of that. It's just way too none-furfilling. And I have other emotional issues I can't get rid of. (Think usher "you got it bad" song) lol.

Positive: I'm alive, I've written numerous songs over the last week. Studio soon. Bbq soon. Drinking. Moves 2 make. More money hopefully. I'm here with my dad n little brothers. Concert monday hopefully. Julian, my p.I.c is the man. Photoshoot. Shopping. Hopefully see mike and trevor soon. Audrey amazingly decided to interview me!!! How incrediable right? I'm so excited. I feel like a girl. Thank you audrey again for this opportunity although I am actually quite nervous.

Gunna see angelica soon. Got plans. And dreams. Just need to make them reality.

By the way, we are one talented class. Audrey, julian, gisel, alexis, angelica, jenny lee peng. Serious we can change the world. So let's do this...and shouts to chazz and johnny f and DV, he da man.

LEMONADE...lmao.

Okay I got to go to bed but just to finish...I'm going to update florida tomorrow with new mood ring song too.

I'm here in the house where the broken family is. And it's wierd too many good/bad memories here. But to be honest I miss my room a lot. Probably tied with the best room I ever had. It was my safehaven. I did everything there and now it's like an office/stock room...smh. I know.

Sorry I been slacking. There's just soo much. So much more even. And I know once I start it'll be sooo hard to express and continue. So this is the jist. I'm going to sleep awkwardly with my dad. Night yall. Eyes are blurry.

Let's stay positive. And work out!

Re-birth continues...