5th Element

Hey yall,

I know I have not written much on this blog and i hope you can forgive me. As usual i have tons going on and since blogger doesn't work well on my blackberry it's hard to write any entries. BUT since i have you guys now, just wanted to inform you guys on a few things. First, "A Writer's Dream" is still on the way but since there's been a GRAND delay, i will try and release a bunch of solo tracks for you. I haven't been able to get into the studio much and when i do it's been for an hour and that is a rather depressing fact...trust, the show will go on though.

So as some of you know (or don't know), i joined a group from College Point- my hometown, called "The Council." They/we make a lot of dope music, i put them on to my engineer's studio, so it was only right for me to be down with their movement. Regardless, of several indiscretions, things are going well now. We performed this Thursday and teared the place down and we also have a mix-tape on the way titled "The 5th Element." There will be skits from the movie as well as a couple surprise joints. There will be about 14/15 songs on the mix-tape and i should be on about 9 or 10 of them. So even though, my solo debut is on hold for the moment at least you guys can enjoy our group music. Think of me the way you think of Wale. He's a group and a solo artist now. So, new music will be released and thank for reading...who ever still does.

Mr. Dreamchaser

Patience...

Download link: http://hulkshare.com/ydjdulxts8qk
Wesbite (Underconstruction): dreamchaserjam.com
Cover Art for the song (Done by my friend and engineer Eddie M)

We finally achieving a small piece of the dream

Just to let you guys know Mr. Dreamchaser comes from a song i did over a DJ Puerto Roc beat. It's on the mixtape :)

Jam On IT! 4 Real

It's Hard To Be Positive When You're a Pessimist

Hey yall,

The picture has no relevance to what i'm about to write...actually it's suppose to put a positive spin on all of his fuckery going on in my life. I would say 75 percent of my problems are created by me, 88 percent would include problems i create plus things i have no control over. The rest are other people and things like school...etc. That's just some brief insight and also since i will not have therapy this week, more than likely, i have to talk to myself and whoever else will listen through this blog. Also, in all honestly, fuck a lot of yall. I write because this is what i do, i'm a writer, so don't criticize me for doing what my title tells me to do and what i love, LOVE to do.

Happy Birthday Lisa! Eventhough, i know for a fact you have never been on here lol. I still shout out people because it's necessary. Just as a heads up, i may-be detatching myself more off of social networks and on my phone in general. I am caused too much extra stress by these things. Okay, now that all of the aforementioned has been stated i will quickly note that i finally earned my first "A" of the semester and in my shakespeare class, which i am doing the worst in, ironically. Still i am proud and look to use these grades as momumentum to propell nothing lower than a B, for my first semester ever, EVER? yes, ever. Now on to the negative...

I'm still struggling and turning the ball over in practice and even worse, my confidence and aggression is still shot by mental loops i can't seem to jump through. Everyone else can but me. I really don't know if i can be on a team/bench for 3 years with no progression. Granted it is my fault but once things are made up i will be lost forever in it- the black hole of basketball. I have very few time left to show my coach i have done a 360 or at worst, 180 but again the window of opportunity is closing, fast. This makes me think... maybe i should redshirt or possibly quit. What is my purpose, really? If to rot on a bench with my self pride, confidence, and aggression is dwindling on a sideline cheering people on, when i should be cheering and playing on the court with them. again, i use should...placing full blame and responsibility on myself. I'm sick. I'm in terrible condition. I'm overwhelmingly exhausted by trying to climb these mental roadblocks. it's bullshit, on my part because i'm standing in the way of myself. Do you know how that feels? When you, yourself, is the ONLY one to blame. Let me tell you, it's worse than self depricating...it feels as close to death as i may get until i reach actual death. I'm tired of excsues, tired of needing inspiration from music and people...i need to figure this shit out and fast.

Strangely, the only thing i can think of is... did god put this in my path for a reason? or am i meant to fail. I'm not sure of the answer yet but i have to figure that out, soon, as well.

And just as an FYI: I am an extremist. A purist extremist. It is in my blood, personality, and maybe worse, soul.

Lastly...i don't even know where to start with this one. It's just the same old stuff, same old painful, escalating arguments that consume my day, my nights, my mind, my sleep, my everything. It's worse than adding sprinkles on top, it's like adding a bigger cone with sprinkles on top of the bad cone i have already. Basically, when this i am fighting with her everything is even worse. Like why can't things be terrible and i can know that she's there, waiting and yearning for my kiss. Things like that don't exist, not even in an ideal world. It is something to abstract, to outside for the imagination even to grapple it.

Let me explain something. I am in love. I have been in love for a while now but i am not in a relationship, mainly because of my own choice. Mentally the title, the responsibility, the obligations, the commitment and much worse stuff scare me. Honestly, i haven't been in a "relationship" since i was 15 years old. Shouldn't love be bigger than a relationship, or a title, or marriage to say the least. At least, for now. But it's not. My hard truth, my fear is painful. For that i am sincerely apologetic.

Now let me ask the audience something. You ever have an arguement, a pointless one at that, but with all the time wasted and words spatted, the arguement just grows into something more terrible. You say things and so do they. Well it's like that a lot for me. I have probably said "the worst things i've ever heard" a few times.

I can't even finish that train of thought, main thing is... i will be in love and don't know if i will fall out of it but this constant "let's separate" bit on both our behalves is (insert word) devastating and annoying. Well i may have solved that problem because i don't know if we'll be talking or seeing each other much. A lot of other factors come in play: age, needs, wants, goals, pms, holidays, change, events, stress, and they all effected this arguement and possible separation.

I'm in pain but i'm also in denial but that's how the ball rolls, as the saying goes. I could go on forever on this subject but i can't really. It's time to just give my mind a rest, focus on school work, and making music AND more importantly succeeding in my dreams.

BTW: Growing up is not bad, it is just strange and rather interesting and it effects me everyday.

Whatever yall, just jam on it. Whatever it is.
And i will pray, hope, and yearn for positive outcomes in ALL my situations and in ALL of YOURS too.

Another day, another obstacle trying to strap you down into the electric chair.
Will i succumb? Will you? I hope not. Maybe i should stop hoping and do. Make this right. Either way, i'm still going to spend a lot of money coming up, even if the person and i are not...anything.

ZZZZZZ goodnight (cold) world, i'll see you in the morning...

Critique

http://www.tjchapman.com/10-reasons-why-most-indie-recording-artists-f

Please check that out BEFORE reading this. I just have to put my two sense in. IDK who this guy is, honestly but he has a few good points. Professionalism, memorization, stage performance, marketing, etc but i feel like there's no umph and the part about "extraordinary talent" pisses me off BECAUSE not everybody is extraordinary talent, especially signed acts. There is a lot of trash out there. It could've been written better too...the music industry isn't just "Hard" it is hard to get into, cold, and you have to have everything pre-pared to sign to a MAJOR label. I feel like he gives the tools and idea for people but doesn't really inspire or help them. It's just kind of a statement and i feel like when you say "10 reasons why most indie recording artist fail" you have to give them hope...sure music isn't for everybody but still.

Also check this video out,

Show TuFli Ft. Vado - The Block (Official Video) from Bam Gates on Vimeo.

This is Vado (3rd verse), who is associated to Cam'ron and the Diplomats. He's a beast and i think represents NY and Harlem in a good light. He has my freshmen 2011 vote. Show TuFli, who's song this is...is MY AGE and doing big things. Works with a lot of great people, that i would love to work with, and i actually have a song i will be submitting to him that he hopefully gets on for one of my 4 projects. Check out his "Iamanartistandimsensitiveaboutmyshit" mixtape and Vado's upcoming mixtape/album: "Slime Flu"

Jonathan Andrew EP
Untitled Mixtape (not the title, lol)
Untouchable Superhero
and my duo mixtape: Honor Roll (group name)- Freshmen Orientation (this will come out first)

I've been writing and editing a lot. Super excited.
NEED to get this Freshmen Orientation mixtape done. 2 more sessions of NEW music. Then tracklist. I still say FBA will be the first song released, NOT the single though. I think the single will be Hellbound...

We'll see though. Got work to do. Just was really bothered with the article although it caught my attention and was interesting. 2 entries in 2 days WOOO! holla

Quick Post

What's good guys. My eyes are starting to hurt. Been up procrastinating on my work. So sad. I feel like a dissappointment even though in other areas i'm gaining a little confidence and what not. Tomorrow night i'm going to the studio after i go to RFK, for the fourth time this week. Crazy, I KNOW. I hope i'm not a loser. I just inspire people in the building and that inspires me. It's like a reminder of what i was and what i can be it's strange. Today i practiced with the boys and i thought it was a better practice and more productive then the one on monday. I got stronger (thanks Mulstay) and showed these young boys HOW it's done. :) yes i'm a big boy now lol.

I also ended up staying for the girls game. Didn't plan to stay for the whole thing but kinda glad i did. I saw an old friend of mine, who just so happens to be the coach. She did a terrific job and so did the girls. I think a couple of them took my advice AND hers and definitely did much better, which is a PLUS. Made me feel OLD and SMART... so this is what it feels like to get older lol. I don't want to be 20 yet, so let me just enjoy the rest of 2009, while i still can.

FYI i have off this week but have some MAJOR work to do. OH god please give me the strength to get it done. Today was my work day and i didn't do shit. FUCK. i'm getting fustrated again and after all the positive.

Just wanna say let's go trev and let's go me for the music session. I GOT to post up my article that was published on an online paper. I'll explain later. Hope people are still reading this and checking up on me. It's always well appreciated. TRUST ME.

Later

Kinda Dope

Hey yall,

i'm going to explain everything that's going on in another entry but right now i want to discuss this AMAZING, possibly once in a lifetime experience. AND it's called South Park lol. Right now i know your thinking to yourself like what the hell is this wanna-be rapper, philosopher, hardworking, lazy, blogger fucking talking about? I can watch South Park from my house and what can the show POSSIBLY teach anyone WELL apparently it can teach A LOT, matter fact A BUNCH. It's a Television Radio Class and my professor (Brian Dunphy) is an amazing teacher and man, well for what i know of him, obviously. He and his Mass Media class last year during my first ever semester in college was one of the few positive things in my life around the time and it kept me sane. Actually the first time he taught this "South Park Class" was last year and i sat in on many of the classes, just listening and observing, taking the experience all in.

I've never been a FAN or really took out the time to watch South Park but i just thought it was very innovative, a big chance on his part, still there has to be substance if it got approved, right?

If you said yes, than you are very much right. It's actually a lot of reading, a lot of open-minded thoughts so the narrow minded will never be able to comprehend something like this but it's awesome. The class actually makes me really nervous, i may be the ONLY sophmore in the class but i'm glad he has the confidence in me to believe and think i would do well in this type of free-thinking, free-flowing environment.

If you go online and type in my professor's name and the class you might find an interview or an article or two about last years class. But what i really wanted to show and discuss to you, was about THIS year's class. WE were already on TV, Brooklyn 12 and it's on youtube.

Please ignore the HOT woman before our part. I don't think you can see me cause i'm on the side of the camera that wasn't filming because class started early. fuck life. lol.

Itsallgoodevenwhenitaint!


P.S. Don't Mind This, Gamestop shiiittt
gsbenefits.com 1800 818 1374

I'm B(l)ack Again, Cause I (REALLY) Couldn't Go Back

Meaning I'm back like I never left. I couldn't go back to NOT blogging so I'm blogging again, straight from this new class I acquired last week. It's kind of cool but I'm tired as fuck. It's the intro to music, and yall know how much I love music.

The professor is nice and seems like she knows what she's talking about. She's probably the oldest professor I've encountered/learned from but I don't mind. POWER to MORE KNOWLEDGE.

Listnening to some jazz/swing music. Cridack lol. I think it's funny how I can talk like a hoodlum yet write (most of the time) like an intelligent white man. Lol. "I dress like the white man and act like I'm black" to quote myself. Uh-oh haha.

Yesterday, first day back from the vacation (3day :() cause I have fucking class friday...booooo! Haha. But I actually had my english class grow on me. We read some dope ass poetry by Audre Lorde. I'm looking foward to it. I still have time to drop it so we'll see. I actually read a bit for my history class but we got a quiz friday (fuck life! Lol).

Anyway, basketball starts today. A little nervous but I'm a do my best.

"I don't know what I'm a do but I'm a do it!" -Kobe from a Fabolous song

I'm still wondering if I should buy Reakwon's Only Built 4 Cuban Linx 2. I know it's gunna be dope 90's music. I got a few days to decide so no worries. And sorry Trey Songz for not coppin "Ready" but I got it from someone who did buy it :)

Oh and before I go, just listened to the Blueprint 3 for the first time, straight through and I'm not Mad. Not mad at all. It's some new age, but old age, hip-hop, experimental type shit and I like it. It's not an album for everyone unless your just into lyrics. Hov's lyrics are still fucking ridiculous. Don't ever say that man's "lyrical skill and flow" fell off, seriously. Some songs may be trash but his words will murder most rappers out. Hov's in a league of his own and the only person who's his competition is Eminem, Nas, and Jay-Z (the old Jay-Z). Dr. Dre, 50 Cent, Rakim aren't consitant enough to be his challenger.

P.S. Go cop the albums. Do it 4 Hip-Hop! 4 real. "If you don't know now you know nigga"

"The city never sleeps, better pass you an ambien" -Empire State of Mind "Jay-Z"

Mind-blowing (booom (blow up sound)) lmao.

Let's Have A (Re)Discussion

What's good readers, listeners, and observers aka people I appreciate very much. I'm tired as fuck and wish I fell asleep a little but ago but I can't sleep. Some stressful, angry situations I been going through. Been stressed about school and just need like good/quality sleep. I don't get that very much or often. Lol. Sleeping with my grandparents (alone, on the couch bed, NOT WITH THEM) can be a bit stressful since they get up o.d. Early, make. Noise, and wake me up. I learned how to avoid that shit. Also my knee is kinda bothering me still. I actually hurt it during cross country. I didn't know I had knee problems cause apparently my knee is too high. Which means I have to stretch a lot, A LOT, and I will probably have knee surgery kinda early in my life (like late 30's/40's). Yea. Not a good look.

Right now I'm watching the 5th element with my sister ashley and this shit is dumb weird. And on a random note, I think my sister is extremely pretty and I have to watch out for her because of that. Actually I think all my siblings are really pretty. I was actually hanging out with them today. It was really nice. I actually made therapy on time too. I really needed it, like really needed to talk. I also have to make therapy on time or someone's gunna take my slot and I lose my amazing therapist.

Anyway, I just want to reiterate how life is sooo weird. My uncle blames life, I blame the people in life. Yea life may be a bitch but it's the people she births that make it crazy.

I'm about to pass out again. Goodnight. Will write an entry or two more, later. Sweet dreams.

Mr.Feature (Repeat)

Here's a video i did for one of the songs since i didn't want to put it for download since i don't know what the fuck i'm doing musically except recording. I'm actually trying to find some beats now. But tell me what you think. I'm on the third verse so be patient. The song is hot without me but i think i had a little umph in it. Tell me what you guys think. i just needed to get something out. This entry will make me feel better. AND i apologize in advance if my video's suck haha. Let's gooo!!!

Mood Ring Part 5: All My Life

Jay Rock "All My Life" feat. Lil Wayne and will.i.am

THis is one of my favorite songs in recent memory, over the last year or so. the soulfulness to it is what grabs me. The beat thrives on story-telling so i dig it a lot. Wayne and Jay Rock murder this song, still wish i could get the instrumental but whatever. Right now this song is keeping my feelings just good along with the beautiful day outside!

in a jae millz voice "LLLEEEEGGGGOOOO!"

Reliving: Mini-Mixtape

What's good yall!
Jjust wanted to put you guys on, i don't have an official date or anything. I wouldn't even call this a project really. i just decided instead of just releasing every track separately i'd make it into like a mini-mixtape called "Mr. Feature." Ya dig! it's me on 4 other people's songs, who left a space in their song to rap on and i have taken the opportunity to excute on it. There will be an intro explaining the project and not to take it as like "hey promote this shit." In my head i'm more like hey you guys haven't heard anything new from me since march and HEY i'm still alive and grinding hard (which my followers and people close to me KNOW) but others not too much. Here's the B.S. cover i made for it.

Might talk to Julian about doing it over or a backcover. I'm working on a backcover but if i don't make one it's whatever. I'm going to the studio real soon. So i'm just prepping ya dig!
Updates coming today/tonight/tomorrow before work.
Let me know what you think i'll either post a link for one of the songs or put it on youtube.
Later!
EDIT: Track list
1. Intro (Featuring Jam Young)
2. Watching Me Remix (with Shawn Chrystopher)
3. Keys Remix (with Trey Songz)
4. Kiss Me Thru Da Phone Remix (with Mike Posner)
5. Bruce Lee (with XV)
Bonus:
Fabolous 3 (with Johnny F & eZ)

most of the artist you won't know but they're pretty big on the hip-hop blog stuff. So i'm promoting them while promoting myself. :) hope yall enjoy.
First leak will be the Keys Remix, that's probably my favorite haha

Restating: Time does Fly

Time definitely does fly. It's fucking up my consistancy with blogging and twittering. Shit's crazy. Soo saturday the 1st was DV's bday. Was pretty fun. I could've went to a concert with drake, lil wayne, etc, but do to my indecisive ways and nature I failed 2 go. Didn't go to the bball game. Or my friend's video shoot but it's all good. I cleaned up mentally and physically.

Dv's bbq was pretty chill. Hung out with old brooklyn college chicks and dudes. Even people I just met by playing ball with. So it was cool. I slept over and recorded a new record for beers: 7 beers n a shot of (disgusting)hennessy. UGH. But then the next day me n dv just lounged at his house n did nothing. Ironically, it felt overdue. Just laying down, napping, relaxing. I found this unknown, unique pleasure in it BUT it makes me go crazy doing that.

Next day, monday my boy johnny f and I wrote two songs and chilled. It was cool. Then went to a house party for an old friend's birthday. Got a bit typsy. (Side note: I never ever feel drunk, maybe it's because I drink more beer than hard liquor...just a hypothesis haha). This day was cool too cause I met up with another old friend, Dayna. Mad cool. She use to watch my games back in 7th and 8th grade. Sick! The golden age of my bball skills. But I feel pretty good now just going against the grain again.

Yesterday and the day before went to L.I. Hung out with my uncle. Finished a couple tracks. Hung out with him, ricky, and felicia. But it's too sticky over there. No AC in the studio or at mike's house. I was frying. That's why I probably felt like shit yesterday. Went to the studio again finished a couple more tracks and going back 2day. This week is actually kind of slow.

Still miss west palm florida with my mom, but I can't really do much about that, right. Stomach kind of out of wack. Head feels like it's falling off. Haha.

Anyone going to post two more entries.

Also follow my new rap buddy @
www.thejohnnyflife.blogspot.com

Welcome johnny! Holla

ReVisiting

Please watch the video BELOW! PLEASE!

Now, today I talked to an old, very old friend dates back to Middle School old. Her name is Vanessa. Very cool girl. She just randomly hit me up and we just started talking, you know, regular stuff. School, major (school, lol), outside life, boyfriend. Turns out she does have a boyfriend and he's produced some of the biggest up and coming names in the underground. AND he has recorded in the same place with me, with people I've known for years.

CRAZY! She digged some of my music. I mean she listens to like REAL HIP-HOP so you know. It's a nice compliment when she says I have potential, flow, and likes a couple tracks. Haha. Not like she's an A and R but it's always good compliments with feedback. I really hope when I get back I can work with her boyfriend. Can't jump to conclusions but music wise, shit is going pretty good.

She did say ONE, REALLY important thing which is always on my mind. TOPICS. Spreading my ideas. Reaching out to a whole bunch of people. That was key because basically she reiterated what I already thought in my mind. SO I gotta step it up and I will. WHEN the TIME IS RIGHT. For now, I'm just gunna kill every track I go on. And show people I can spit and rock with the best at 19! Ya dig!

I reall hope this guy B/A (twitter.com/hansommanson) gets on my track. He's probably the coolest if not one of the coolest in MGM/Demevolist aka Charles Hamilton's friend. If I could have him a track would be awesome. Then to actually do a fresh, new track would be crack.

Should I go to a studio in FL, priced at 40bucks an hour? Hmmm?

Got some shit though!!! I promise. Woody I'm a send u some shit and I hope you enjoy 4real.

My ode part one going to get re-done n be online for free. It'll be like the street single cause I'm making a part 2 (genius I know). Sorry. I'm just re-shaping my mind and my blog. Better, bigger topics. You'll see.

ALL IN DUE TIME! Vanessa dumb cool though. I'll probably see her very soon. Me and Johnny F gotta get some shit done too.

Being in west palm is kinda like being in jail. I just think, think, write, download music.

Jennifer Anniston is my girlllllll! Sorry had to say that.

Anyway, I'll keep you updated on my "sex life" lmao and this Florida adventure haha.

NIGHT

202: Re-Do

Ayo! I am dumb excited about everything... the trip is moving kinda slow but I kind of still want to/gunna extend my trip regardless. I just need to be in the studio on some real shit. I deadass have at least another 20 songs to record and then I have to re-record some shit but fuck it. I'm getting two mixtapes done which is fanstasmically awesomillion. Yea I just made up my own word. Mixed fantastic with orgasmic and awesome with a million but it's hot. I think I got some fire stuff going.

If I can record two songs for either mixtape n then have one for the other than it's gunna be hot fire. I deadass have like 23 songs recorded(about 16/17) most people haven't heard and I keep working on more freestyles. Technically if I wanted to get the freestyles mixtape done it would be in probably 3 or 4 more sessions but I'm a chill. No timeline. No pressure just mad fun.

But I think the title will probably be called "ADD, the Free-styles" no song above 2 in a half minutes. So far I got some bllllooooddd fire stuff. I'm a record like 30 and cut it down to like 15. The other mixtape is a little more serious cause I only want twelve. I may change my mind though.

As we speak I'm working on the video for the audio below and I got to re-do like 2 videos on youtube and then do another video. I'm getting some ideas from people. I'm a be putting some freestyles up though. You'll see I'm dumb excited yo. Lol.

Anyway, florida is treating me alright though. Went to a house party, met some girls and some cool ass dudes. Drank a little. Guess there goes those 2 weeks of soberness haha. Thank god I couldn't smoke the pipe I didn't wanna get high anyway.the dude's name is chris that I first met. His house, his party. He works with my mom which he told me was wierd. But he's a really cool guy.

I would try to get a job but fuck it. Next year.

Anyway, I hope yall saw the michael jackson memorial. Hella crazy. Mad sad. The mariah carey performance was crazy. I'll dedicate another entry tomorrow to it. I mean I have to blog about it so I'm sorry if it annoys you.

Just thought of some crazy shit that happend over a year ago...that's crazy yo. Haven't messed with anybody in a min. And wild crazy months been passing by. In 3 months it'll be a year since I basically was (almost) with somebody. Wild!! On some serious shit. But it's all good. Eventually it'll come. Not her per say but somebody. Somebody to mess with, hang out with, act like we're bf/gf but not be unless shawty could change my mind. But I'm tryna be single until at least 22. well hopefully but if I get famous who knows. With the way groupies are and the way the male body works I ain't trying to fuck up anything "real."

Wow. Sorry for that rant. Shouts again to deville, berry, julian, audrey, and everyone else who reads my blog :) but aren't bloggers. Hehe.

Anyway. I'm chilling with my sisters so gotta go. Wish you luck ma. Be calm and positive and tryyyy please. Later.

199: Do You reMember The Time...

Hey yall

I haven't been fully blogging but I have done enough justice representing my mood through youtube videos and songs. Right now it's dumb early, I haven't seen 7 o clock since school ended. DAMN

Well happy belated July 4th by the way. This year was interesting considering my "o so" interesting last year BUT whatever, life moves on in a positive way and let's keep it that way.

Soo I got a little typsy yesterday, started freestyle, world priemered (terrible spelling) me and johnny's song, and just chilled out. Actually met an egineer who makes beats from chicago. Chill ass dude. Has a studio in times square so when I save some money WATCH the magic that happends... :)

F.Y.I I'm not even mad anymore about petty things like being invited and seeing certain people. Can't even say fuck it. Cause it's not worth that.

"In 5 years you said we'll meet up for a cup of coffee, well it's been longer than that, I can buy you a drink, yup time flies like that" -Jam Young "How You Doing"

Sooo I been living in college point the past few weeks up to today, the day I depart new york city for about 2 weeks and live the west palm floridian life. Interesting right?Nah! Lol.

I don't know I feel invigorated to write, I'm kind of excited about life, new adventure, new people. I'm still bitter, distraught, dissappointed, and broken hearted but I'm mending the pieces and slowly but surely am progressing.

I'm also an alcholic and a pot head lol. Nah. I believe in moderation, I could never get to that point. (My stomach hurts right now waiting on the longest line in history).

Can I tell you it's one of my fantasy (and probably one of yours) to either sit next to or meet someone hot on the same flight. Awww man. I pray one day it happends. I mean I don't know about any sexual escapades but at least "bagging" some chick would be nice. And just to add I have no girlfriend, nothing close, I'm not talking to anyone and the thought kinda sucks but whatever. I'm not dwelling or over thinking too much. I'm comfortable content. For now.

Soooo as of the last few weeks that's why the minimal blogging and the beginning of plan "re-birth" has been executed pretty well. I'm having a minor setback with certain people/person but it's all good. I get to see my mom today!

I haven't seen her since her birthday last year I think...god damn. It's been a long ass time. Makes me wanna cry but whatever, her little boy is growing up.

Now you wanna hear two crazy turn of events: I just saw my mom's husand/exhusband on line a few ppl ahead of mr. And the second ironic thing is that...I actually don't remember. I'm just really hungry.

Sooo I'm gunna miss therapy for 3 weeks and that has been going really well actually. We talked about michael jackson who I wrote/recorded a tribute song for. I'm working on a video so any pictures, photos, videos of anyone u know or of you please send them to me so I can incorporate them in the video. I wanna get it done by the month anniversary of his death. AND I'm trying really hard to rent a lounge in order to perform on his b-day so I can perform and "rock with you" lol.

ohh I remember what was the second crazy thing the guy checking in my bag thought I was 17! 17! Wtf?!?!

I know I barely have facial hair, and have a babyface but 17!

I know more hair makes a person seem older and I just got a haircut (shorter than usual I must add) but 17! I'm like 8months away from 20. Lol.

To paraphrase he was like "oh he's not 18, 17 years old have to go inside to check their bags" and I was like WHAT?!?!

I must also confess I have not focused on basketball much at all and just been on my hanging out, drinking, smoking, partying bullshit. But I have recorded 4 tracks this week and 8 the last two/three weeks. Proud? Yea a bit.
My old rap friend (who gets on my nerve from time to time)

Omg, another turn of events (sorry for the sporadic talk) he's on my flight. He better not be in my row lol. That would be tooooooo ironic. I'm not nervous or anything. It's just wierd.

I love yall. Yall means people. Everybody. Especially the bloggers who I follow and who follow me. We run our society and hopefully the non-judgemental intelligent society too.

Alright well, I guess my time of getting drunk will be over for the next two weeks or we'll see :).

I'm on four hours of sleep on the flight so I want to go to bed. Night. Until later.

Jam :)

Letter to my future girl...

Flowers, candy, everything you deserve
Shelter, water, even the L word

Once I mean it, feel it, everything I do will be our secret, just keep on the secret, until I take it off
So I can treat you like a kit kat and break it off

Never go soft when I'm with ya, never a real loss when I'm with ya, ying to my yang, yes baby I fit cha, even the seconds your gone, I miss ya

It's really ridiculous, especially when we fuss and cuss over nothing important
But arguments, can't avoid it
And your heart can't avoid this, there's a void, if you ain't my miss, anybody hurt you, they on my hit list
the world is my witness, to my testament of love
the test is when I can put nothing above, you

Not the clouds or the sky, cause they are your pillows when you sleep

And I will be your warmth, your sheets,
Our bond is deeper than an obis
Deeper than the blond when I slice my wrist

Cause it always heals back.

And what's true is what I feel for you
Because I know if another man touched you
I would kill for you,
I hope that's real for you

Just know...

I will always try my hardest, even if I'm not not the smartest, or can't provide you a real big house with a garden
But I can commit to a promise or promises, of continous lovely shit, that no other man can ever give

Even when I'm broke and down on my self
I will take care of your health and provide you anything else...

Mainly the little things that get overlooked
Not the fancy resturants that are overbooked

So let me steal your heart like a valentine's day crook

And cook you up, a life of perfection

Just tell me if this letter is going the right direction

...

Actions speak louder than words so let me show you

Still Growing

Idk if I'm grown up enough to...wish you love

Apology

Sorry for the rant. I'm not suppose to be up right now and after this entry I swear I'm going to bed. I just idk I needed to blog. Sorry about the big mess and guck I just put out there the last two entries prior to the kanye video.

I need/ed a release. It's crazy. Maybe once basketball and music pop off I'll be sooooo much better. My cold is alright just got to get rest again tonight. Another ten hours and I should be alright. Wooo. This week or two is going to be long. Mad recording and fixing up shit.

This is the plan:
Copyright lyrics
2 interviews;one before and after the release of the mixtape
Find a host
Make business cards
take off 2 videos on youtube;replace one with Uptown edited.
Photoshoot.
Create two videos.
Dat piff.com.
New blog.
Internet flyers.
Figure out the single.
Send the mixtape to Rhymestyle aka Hip-Hop State of Mind*
Send it to two other small blog sites.
Send it to everyone on facebook and myspace and then some.
Goal:1,000downloads by the month anniversary
Success:600downloads by month's end
Honest reviews; via the blog site.
Find 2-5 location spots.
Throw a end of the summer party.
Get an interview at brooklyn college radio.

God damn, right? Now is that promoting or what? I think/hope so. I'll problem drop a couple more freestyles on the net.

I'm thinking...

August 18 or the 25th to be safe.

The single I'm going to try and go to some internet radios as well as college radio. So let's gooooooooo

Got to take this alka seltzer cold plus, lmao.

Today I went to work and got gwopp!!! Yay!

Going to bed wish me betterness.

Most Likely II Succeed...

Part 2: Forces of Nature

Right now I have a cold and have just woken up from my long sleep.

Quick Note: I was fucking furious this morning because at 9:11 in the morning my grandmother wakes me up to move me into my aunt's room because I am an accomodation. They allow me to sleep in their home so when they need the living room, sleepy or sick, I have to be awaken from my sleep and start over. MORE bullshit.

Also I'm living in a 20th century house but living the 21st century life. Everday I get lectured and told I should be asleep around 11:30 all the way to I eventually go to sleep. My grandparent's and aunt alll wake up during the middle of the night and complain or shake their heads when I'm up. Making me feel guilty as fuck. It's bulllshit!

Back to what I was saying in the last entry:

Sooo I just have to add this first. In high school there's soo much going on that as a person you feel triumphant in life especially since everyone is pushing for you to graduate and etc.

In college it's different, not really a god damn soul carrying, caring, pushing, watching you do anything. If your having a hard time there's no life, no perseverence ain't shit but your self. I guess that's a part of growing up. Everything is on you and there's no one to give a fuck about you. Give a fuck about your grades or anything really. It's all (jonathan) you, or nothing...

Back to the inevitable. Basically you can't trust anyone, can't believe anyone, can't invest so much time, care, and emotion into people. Because you never know. How everything will play out...

One minute they're telling you how honest they can be with you and how they want to tell you the WHOLE TRUTH, the next minute they're not. Aka they're a different person.

To be honest I don't know what I'm really angry for, let's break down all the possible scenarios why...

It could be because I STUPIDLY tHought, something good/amazing was going on. I maybe thought that we were a team, a team means everything is equal and we help out eachother, but that wasn't true.

It could be that I trusted you like I probably never trusted anybody before and lost that trust. Which kind of steps into helping me instead of pushing me away.

I think all the above can be all put in the "pushing me away category." Frankly I don't know who you are, who you want to be, what you want, who you want to be with. Basically everything. And by pushing me away, I'm kind of trying to stay away. Cause maybe all those ppl who TOLD ME THINGS were on the verge to the truth.

And being pushed away is probably the most damaging thing for a person. For example-

My mother left to florida because she hated new york, hated my father, hated the problems, and wanted an escape. She married a younger man (ten years to be exact) who liked her since I met him. My mother had an idea which would be in the children's best interest. Take my little sister, give my father the middle one, and let me live with my grandparents (who now live in ecuador). This was when my father took my mom to court for custody because she was trying to split us up. Trying to split up the children which already tilts in my father's favor. With my mom so posed on leaving her old life to start a new one, she literally just gave up in court, gave up infront of everyone, gave us up for her new life. My mom was tired of throwing a fist and a jab to defend herself and defend her children. And that means...she gave up on us. The little people she brought into this world, she gave up on. YUP. Then she got mad at us, at my dad and my stepmom.

Now bringing 5 children into a small household with two, not even married yet, parents with so many problems of their own, wasn't the best situation. I don't think.

Truthfully, I'm forgetting the point of bringing it up so I'm going to re-read what I wrote but by the way the three of us are split up anyway, and sort of misreable in our own sense.

Okay, it's the pushing away. My mom pushed us away and then ended up going psycho for it. And it hurt all of us being seperated and seeing my mom just be somebody totally different then who we (I) thought she was.

Anyway, it's been like 8months shouldn't I be over it? Actually it's been 9 months shouldn't I be over it?

And with my dad I don't even know if I can blame him for the lack of communication, lack of attention, help, and whatever else you can think of with me. He's always extrememly busy and then when i started getting older I picked my "friends" over him because I was growing up and getting into girls.

I use to call my dad, my friend. I told him that one year and then the next year I just told him that he was my dad and I think he was a little hurt by it. And you know when you're little and your best friend is a family memeber than later you drift a part because you get older and go through stages well...the parent must feel sad, anger, fustration, and confusion and that's the best way I can describe my feelings.

Sure in the bigger picture or in the skeme of things, at least their here and I can cherish them when I can. BUT itks human nature to want more. To fix things, to realize things, to make a good situation improve. Because there's always something you can improve on, right?

Or is that just another WRONG cliche?

I think I'm just hurt cause I push people away because they leave. And this is what I deal with. This confusion everyday. And constantly thinking about someone who isn't a family member just makes it worse. I don't put all the blame on that sitaution, I just think that THAT was my last positive thing that went sour.

This is my point of view.

Fin

HUBBLE!(From sex and the city) I kind of want to see that movie, with Barbra Streisand.

This song (mostly the lyrics, NOT ALL of the lyrics just some of it) {sorry for aggrevating you the other day/night}

(I would put the lyrics up but I'm on my blackberry)

Okay sooo I'm watching sex and the city again and it really makes me think about love and whatever other gay, mushy stuff you can think of. I forgot what I was going to bring up about the show but it was something ooooooooHHHH, I remember.

Okay, so in the beginning Maranda ran away from one of her ex-bfs (ex-love) which maybe really immature BUT totally understandable. I get it, running was wrong ESPECIALLY when he saw her and he was really hurt...I guess in that situation I would've been too but I've had that happen to me AND I've done it, I'm guilty. I totally understand why but it is wrong. I get it... So I guess this is my apology.

Last thing, I'm watching the second episode and the new guy Carrie is dating just met her friends and their having an uncomfortably good time. It's cool, I KINDA know what that feels like. It's like an interview (I'm laughing while I write this, I remember like it was yesterday). I passed well kinda. The second time(with someone else of course) no so much. But I shouldn't even be thinking about that...dark place.

Someone once told me that once you find someone else you'll forget about the other person BUT what if it's not true. What if you meet a bunch of guys/girls and don't change their attention or like. Or maybe is it LOVE. Maybe love keeps you preoccupied with what you love/want.

Next, WHY DO WOMEN nitpick about men? Is it really because they care? Is it? Lol.
And when we get older will we roleplay? That's a rhetorical question. But I'm assuming so... It might be fun, I might try it while I'm young and single rather than older and with someone. Whatever.

Too much girly, sex and the city talk.

Night- Jam the Fuck Out