"Caught in the Life"

http://hulkshare.com/4r0kjksfi7rh
Cymarshall Law- One MIllion Miles Away

If you LOVE hip-hop there is no doubt in my mind you will like at least the first verse of this song. Pure dopeness and realness. SO do YOURself a favor and download it.

Anyway, i know i haven't spoken much but i been rather preocuppied or speechless or maybe i just haven't had the right words to say. School just started so another hectic semester begins and one of 3 semesters left in my college (undergrad) career. I should be happy i guess. All things must come to end, so people say, and another new phase. Damn, wasn't freshmen year like yesterday and high school like a week ago. And i'm about to be 21, finally, yet i don't even want it to come yet. Slowly but surely it will. I guess i'm not in the greatest mood especially ignoring my homework to write this but there's nothing much i can do about anything. In the past few weeks/2 months this has happend:

-Fall semester ended, Spring Semester began
-Had a 3.48GPA last semester- far better than i've ever done or expected. No c's.
-I've recorded about 30 songs and 20 of them will be on the mixtape. The rest needs to be recorded.
-A girl i dated in high school for a month is now pregnant "interesting?" lol
-I've caught up to Entourage on season 4
-Sleeping habits are out of wack
-Smoked more than i have in my whole life
-Got a 50 dollar ticket for smoking a black n mild while typsy at 2 in the morning "FUCK THE POLICE"
-Seen the very limited playtime i've received decline into the negatives
-Realized i have a career 35 points in college and a carrer high in points (for a single game) in high school at 18.
-Realized my jump shot has gotten REAL but i'm still too scared to dribble or play point guard and everyone concerning basketball has little to no faith.
-Someone said to me today "you have balls for staying on the team after not playing. I would of quit"
-Bought production from DJ Puerto Roc
-See my bank account crying for a check
-Become really good friends with Wade and miss my friendship with DV although i am very understanding
-Been teased, abused, and bullied. "Fuck yall niggaz"
-Watched my basketball team fail misreasbly and can only watch.
-Accepting more and more that i hve a girlfriend
-Working my way to publish something someone has never done
-Become a better poet and lyrisct "Thanks Burgess and rap music"
-Lose my therapist after 3 consecutive years of therapy
-Miss my sisters. Hug my sisters. Wanted to kill my sisters.
-Wonder when i get to have my payback
-Hope to read more

I mean that doesn't sum it all up but you can have some more brief insight into my world.

Before i forget in less than an hour my friend Anthony Sideries will become 21, Happy Birthday man.

I would vent but i need sleep. Love you guys who still check the blog and even if you don't.

Night...

It's Hard To Be Positive When You're a Pessimist

Hey yall,

The picture has no relevance to what i'm about to write...actually it's suppose to put a positive spin on all of his fuckery going on in my life. I would say 75 percent of my problems are created by me, 88 percent would include problems i create plus things i have no control over. The rest are other people and things like school...etc. That's just some brief insight and also since i will not have therapy this week, more than likely, i have to talk to myself and whoever else will listen through this blog. Also, in all honestly, fuck a lot of yall. I write because this is what i do, i'm a writer, so don't criticize me for doing what my title tells me to do and what i love, LOVE to do.

Happy Birthday Lisa! Eventhough, i know for a fact you have never been on here lol. I still shout out people because it's necessary. Just as a heads up, i may-be detatching myself more off of social networks and on my phone in general. I am caused too much extra stress by these things. Okay, now that all of the aforementioned has been stated i will quickly note that i finally earned my first "A" of the semester and in my shakespeare class, which i am doing the worst in, ironically. Still i am proud and look to use these grades as momumentum to propell nothing lower than a B, for my first semester ever, EVER? yes, ever. Now on to the negative...

I'm still struggling and turning the ball over in practice and even worse, my confidence and aggression is still shot by mental loops i can't seem to jump through. Everyone else can but me. I really don't know if i can be on a team/bench for 3 years with no progression. Granted it is my fault but once things are made up i will be lost forever in it- the black hole of basketball. I have very few time left to show my coach i have done a 360 or at worst, 180 but again the window of opportunity is closing, fast. This makes me think... maybe i should redshirt or possibly quit. What is my purpose, really? If to rot on a bench with my self pride, confidence, and aggression is dwindling on a sideline cheering people on, when i should be cheering and playing on the court with them. again, i use should...placing full blame and responsibility on myself. I'm sick. I'm in terrible condition. I'm overwhelmingly exhausted by trying to climb these mental roadblocks. it's bullshit, on my part because i'm standing in the way of myself. Do you know how that feels? When you, yourself, is the ONLY one to blame. Let me tell you, it's worse than self depricating...it feels as close to death as i may get until i reach actual death. I'm tired of excsues, tired of needing inspiration from music and people...i need to figure this shit out and fast.

Strangely, the only thing i can think of is... did god put this in my path for a reason? or am i meant to fail. I'm not sure of the answer yet but i have to figure that out, soon, as well.

And just as an FYI: I am an extremist. A purist extremist. It is in my blood, personality, and maybe worse, soul.

Lastly...i don't even know where to start with this one. It's just the same old stuff, same old painful, escalating arguments that consume my day, my nights, my mind, my sleep, my everything. It's worse than adding sprinkles on top, it's like adding a bigger cone with sprinkles on top of the bad cone i have already. Basically, when this i am fighting with her everything is even worse. Like why can't things be terrible and i can know that she's there, waiting and yearning for my kiss. Things like that don't exist, not even in an ideal world. It is something to abstract, to outside for the imagination even to grapple it.

Let me explain something. I am in love. I have been in love for a while now but i am not in a relationship, mainly because of my own choice. Mentally the title, the responsibility, the obligations, the commitment and much worse stuff scare me. Honestly, i haven't been in a "relationship" since i was 15 years old. Shouldn't love be bigger than a relationship, or a title, or marriage to say the least. At least, for now. But it's not. My hard truth, my fear is painful. For that i am sincerely apologetic.

Now let me ask the audience something. You ever have an arguement, a pointless one at that, but with all the time wasted and words spatted, the arguement just grows into something more terrible. You say things and so do they. Well it's like that a lot for me. I have probably said "the worst things i've ever heard" a few times.

I can't even finish that train of thought, main thing is... i will be in love and don't know if i will fall out of it but this constant "let's separate" bit on both our behalves is (insert word) devastating and annoying. Well i may have solved that problem because i don't know if we'll be talking or seeing each other much. A lot of other factors come in play: age, needs, wants, goals, pms, holidays, change, events, stress, and they all effected this arguement and possible separation.

I'm in pain but i'm also in denial but that's how the ball rolls, as the saying goes. I could go on forever on this subject but i can't really. It's time to just give my mind a rest, focus on school work, and making music AND more importantly succeeding in my dreams.

BTW: Growing up is not bad, it is just strange and rather interesting and it effects me everyday.

Whatever yall, just jam on it. Whatever it is.
And i will pray, hope, and yearn for positive outcomes in ALL my situations and in ALL of YOURS too.

Another day, another obstacle trying to strap you down into the electric chair.
Will i succumb? Will you? I hope not. Maybe i should stop hoping and do. Make this right. Either way, i'm still going to spend a lot of money coming up, even if the person and i are not...anything.

ZZZZZZ goodnight (cold) world, i'll see you in the morning...

Critique

http://www.tjchapman.com/10-reasons-why-most-indie-recording-artists-f

Please check that out BEFORE reading this. I just have to put my two sense in. IDK who this guy is, honestly but he has a few good points. Professionalism, memorization, stage performance, marketing, etc but i feel like there's no umph and the part about "extraordinary talent" pisses me off BECAUSE not everybody is extraordinary talent, especially signed acts. There is a lot of trash out there. It could've been written better too...the music industry isn't just "Hard" it is hard to get into, cold, and you have to have everything pre-pared to sign to a MAJOR label. I feel like he gives the tools and idea for people but doesn't really inspire or help them. It's just kind of a statement and i feel like when you say "10 reasons why most indie recording artist fail" you have to give them hope...sure music isn't for everybody but still.

Also check this video out,

Show TuFli Ft. Vado - The Block (Official Video) from Bam Gates on Vimeo.

This is Vado (3rd verse), who is associated to Cam'ron and the Diplomats. He's a beast and i think represents NY and Harlem in a good light. He has my freshmen 2011 vote. Show TuFli, who's song this is...is MY AGE and doing big things. Works with a lot of great people, that i would love to work with, and i actually have a song i will be submitting to him that he hopefully gets on for one of my 4 projects. Check out his "Iamanartistandimsensitiveaboutmyshit" mixtape and Vado's upcoming mixtape/album: "Slime Flu"

Jonathan Andrew EP
Untitled Mixtape (not the title, lol)
Untouchable Superhero
and my duo mixtape: Honor Roll (group name)- Freshmen Orientation (this will come out first)

I've been writing and editing a lot. Super excited.
NEED to get this Freshmen Orientation mixtape done. 2 more sessions of NEW music. Then tracklist. I still say FBA will be the first song released, NOT the single though. I think the single will be Hellbound...

We'll see though. Got work to do. Just was really bothered with the article although it caught my attention and was interesting. 2 entries in 2 days WOOO! holla

Mood Ring: Part 8 "Empire State of Mind"

Hey yall, told yall i'm on my grind. lol. Anyway, this mood ring goes out to a new favorite song from Jay-Z's BP3. The song is, well amazing! It's so different from what he usually does/has done and Alicia Keys sounds magnificent. Many reviews i've read says that she sounds "pop-py." I must say i beg to differ. Live or in person i know she sounds amazing and is just as beautiful as her voice. As for Jay-Z "What More Can I Say" "He's an idol in my eyes" (Kanye West) and i just hope i get to work with him somebody seriously. I know H-O-V probably has his ego trips but i think and hope that deep down he's as good as he portrays himself to be. Everyone can be a dick so i don't knock him for that. It would just hurt never to be able to do a song with him...
Anyway, enjoy this one and i apologize if i'm jockin carrie, jockin carrie lol. Someone will get it.

"The city never sleeps, better slip you an ambien"
"I do it for the culture"



Go buy that Blueprint 3!!!

Review COMING SOON!

I'm B(l)ack Again, Cause I (REALLY) Couldn't Go Back

Meaning I'm back like I never left. I couldn't go back to NOT blogging so I'm blogging again, straight from this new class I acquired last week. It's kind of cool but I'm tired as fuck. It's the intro to music, and yall know how much I love music.

The professor is nice and seems like she knows what she's talking about. She's probably the oldest professor I've encountered/learned from but I don't mind. POWER to MORE KNOWLEDGE.

Listnening to some jazz/swing music. Cridack lol. I think it's funny how I can talk like a hoodlum yet write (most of the time) like an intelligent white man. Lol. "I dress like the white man and act like I'm black" to quote myself. Uh-oh haha.

Yesterday, first day back from the vacation (3day :() cause I have fucking class friday...booooo! Haha. But I actually had my english class grow on me. We read some dope ass poetry by Audre Lorde. I'm looking foward to it. I still have time to drop it so we'll see. I actually read a bit for my history class but we got a quiz friday (fuck life! Lol).

Anyway, basketball starts today. A little nervous but I'm a do my best.

"I don't know what I'm a do but I'm a do it!" -Kobe from a Fabolous song

I'm still wondering if I should buy Reakwon's Only Built 4 Cuban Linx 2. I know it's gunna be dope 90's music. I got a few days to decide so no worries. And sorry Trey Songz for not coppin "Ready" but I got it from someone who did buy it :)

Oh and before I go, just listened to the Blueprint 3 for the first time, straight through and I'm not Mad. Not mad at all. It's some new age, but old age, hip-hop, experimental type shit and I like it. It's not an album for everyone unless your just into lyrics. Hov's lyrics are still fucking ridiculous. Don't ever say that man's "lyrical skill and flow" fell off, seriously. Some songs may be trash but his words will murder most rappers out. Hov's in a league of his own and the only person who's his competition is Eminem, Nas, and Jay-Z (the old Jay-Z). Dr. Dre, 50 Cent, Rakim aren't consitant enough to be his challenger.

P.S. Go cop the albums. Do it 4 Hip-Hop! 4 real. "If you don't know now you know nigga"

"The city never sleeps, better pass you an ambien" -Empire State of Mind "Jay-Z"

Mind-blowing (booom (blow up sound)) lmao.

The REALization: What's The Controversy Over 30 and 40

Now a lot of my peers and older people may look at what I'm about to write as ignorant or whatever but it's my blog, my point of view. My QUESTION.

Now let the great debate begin

what is the controversy that comes at age 30 and 40. What is this, all of a sudden, urgency to find some sort of complancacy. Like at 30/40 someone can't live out their dreams. SURE there are certain things that hack away at a body but life isn't surely over. The average age of living is what now a days? 70, 80. Basically means at 40 you've only lived half your life. But it seems like the first half of the life is the only important part.

Now in hip-hop for example there are a bunch of old rappers that help pioneer the game that kind of get no respect. A lot has to do with age, their past their prime, blah blah blah. Jay-Z for example is not even 40 YET but people critize him for being so old. They call him 42 like its an insult."You're an old ass nigga" that's really all you can come up with? Age? Seriously?

Maybe it's because in his late 30's he's still relevant. He's still pumping out music, giving back to the community, people still want to hear HIM. He's accomplishing feats that someone in their 20's and early 30's cannot accomplish. He can still have kids technically with Beyonce. He still has so much life to live. He still has drive and compassion. Soo then why is age such a problem. With age comes a more calm approach to life. I bet he's not partying on a boat, drinking tons of liquor, and fucking girls in the video shoot BUT I bet he's still drinkin, partying, and living life up.

Soo what's with 40?

Barry Bonds was 42 when he broke the record for home runs all time. He was still bringing people in the stands.

Michael Jordan made his third comeback. Sure he wasn't the same energetic michael who could do crazy dunks. But he was smoother, more mature, his jumpshot was more developed. He still average about or close to 20points a game. He was still Michael.

Michael Jackson age 42, released another album in another decade n compared to his PAST standards he flopped. Since when is selling 10million records worldwide, flopping? Lol. He still danced n toured like before. Still got the same love and did what he loved at 42.

People have children in their late thirties n early fourties n raise beautiful children.

Sooo what's the emphasis and life crisis at 30? Maybe when I'm thirty I'll understand. I'll feel this urgency but if I don't I guess I'll be the only one.

So if I haven't proved my point yet I guess I will never. There are average people all the time accomplishing new feats from 30 and beyond. Stop worrying about age and do what you can do and be happy with it. Period. There's still time.

:) laterrr