2010 Highlight

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HOME TEAM: Brooklyn College 4-5
TOT-FG 3-PT REBOUNDS
## Player Name FG-FGA FG-FGA FT-FTA OF DE TOT PF TP A TO BLK S MIN
01 John, Amil.......... * 6-11 1-1 3-3 1 1 2 2 16 3 2 0 7 32
02 Hemingway, Ahmad.... * 4-11 0-2 2-2 2 3 5 0 10 3 1 0 4 32
03 Russell, Tyshawn.... * 5-13 2-5 2-4 0 2 2 2 14 3 3 0 2 36
33 Grant, Steven....... * 1-4 0-0 0-0 1 2 3 3 2 0 0 0 0 20
52 Cudjoe, Darnell..... * 5-12 0-0 0-2 4 3 7 0 10 1 1 1 2 31
04 Martinez, Jonathan.. 2-4 0-0 0-0 0 0 0 0 4 0 0 0 1 5
05 Velasquez, Daniel... 1-3 1-2 0-0 0 0 0 1 3 3 1 0 1 9
12 Shea, Brian......... 0-5 0-5 0-0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 1 7
20 Halton, Keiran...... 4-5 0-0 2-2 3 2 5 2 10 0 0 2 1 28
TEAM................ 4 4 1
Totals.............. 28-68 4-15 9-13 15 13 28 10 69 13 9 3 19 200

TOTAL FG% 1st Half: 13-34 38.2% 2nd Half: 15-34 44.1% Game: 41.2% DEADB
3-Pt. FG% 1st Half: 2-7 28.6% 2nd Half: 2-8 25.0% Game: 26.7% REBS
F Throw % 1st Half: 1-4 25.0% 2nd Half: 8-9 88.9% Game: 69.2% 1


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Officials: Dan Frascella (R), Brian Leighton, Kevin Boylan
Technical fouls: Potsdam St.-None. Brooklyn College-None.
Attendance: 35
Score by Periods 1st 2nd Total
Potsdam St.................... 22 35 - 57
Brooklyn College.............. 29 40 - 69
Consolation Game of PNC/Ramada Inn Classic at King's College

This game was the highlight of my season in a nutshell. This is the moment i thought i would have a chance to play this year and this really helped my confidence and ever since i've never gone back. I haven't really played or scored in 2011 but if there's one thing that made this special besides some of my teammates, is this moment. Ever since then i've done really well on the court and as long as a few people respect me then i guess that's what i'll take and deal with. The season has gone to shit though but i hope we can get a third ring. As of right now we're 10-11 on a 3 game losing streak. Fun huh? Sometimes we don't get opportunities and i think basketball is a thing of the past now but i'll always love it even if coaches, players, and who ever else try to ruin it.

Side Note: I hadn't really practiced or played in the last week and when i got into the game i got really out of breath and called for a sub so i may have played longer but who knows. I regret taking myself out so much but nothing i can do about it now. Love you basketball, love jonathan

It's Hard To Be Positive When You're a Pessimist

Hey yall,

The picture has no relevance to what i'm about to write...actually it's suppose to put a positive spin on all of his fuckery going on in my life. I would say 75 percent of my problems are created by me, 88 percent would include problems i create plus things i have no control over. The rest are other people and things like school...etc. That's just some brief insight and also since i will not have therapy this week, more than likely, i have to talk to myself and whoever else will listen through this blog. Also, in all honestly, fuck a lot of yall. I write because this is what i do, i'm a writer, so don't criticize me for doing what my title tells me to do and what i love, LOVE to do.

Happy Birthday Lisa! Eventhough, i know for a fact you have never been on here lol. I still shout out people because it's necessary. Just as a heads up, i may-be detatching myself more off of social networks and on my phone in general. I am caused too much extra stress by these things. Okay, now that all of the aforementioned has been stated i will quickly note that i finally earned my first "A" of the semester and in my shakespeare class, which i am doing the worst in, ironically. Still i am proud and look to use these grades as momumentum to propell nothing lower than a B, for my first semester ever, EVER? yes, ever. Now on to the negative...

I'm still struggling and turning the ball over in practice and even worse, my confidence and aggression is still shot by mental loops i can't seem to jump through. Everyone else can but me. I really don't know if i can be on a team/bench for 3 years with no progression. Granted it is my fault but once things are made up i will be lost forever in it- the black hole of basketball. I have very few time left to show my coach i have done a 360 or at worst, 180 but again the window of opportunity is closing, fast. This makes me think... maybe i should redshirt or possibly quit. What is my purpose, really? If to rot on a bench with my self pride, confidence, and aggression is dwindling on a sideline cheering people on, when i should be cheering and playing on the court with them. again, i use should...placing full blame and responsibility on myself. I'm sick. I'm in terrible condition. I'm overwhelmingly exhausted by trying to climb these mental roadblocks. it's bullshit, on my part because i'm standing in the way of myself. Do you know how that feels? When you, yourself, is the ONLY one to blame. Let me tell you, it's worse than self depricating...it feels as close to death as i may get until i reach actual death. I'm tired of excsues, tired of needing inspiration from music and people...i need to figure this shit out and fast.

Strangely, the only thing i can think of is... did god put this in my path for a reason? or am i meant to fail. I'm not sure of the answer yet but i have to figure that out, soon, as well.

And just as an FYI: I am an extremist. A purist extremist. It is in my blood, personality, and maybe worse, soul.

Lastly...i don't even know where to start with this one. It's just the same old stuff, same old painful, escalating arguments that consume my day, my nights, my mind, my sleep, my everything. It's worse than adding sprinkles on top, it's like adding a bigger cone with sprinkles on top of the bad cone i have already. Basically, when this i am fighting with her everything is even worse. Like why can't things be terrible and i can know that she's there, waiting and yearning for my kiss. Things like that don't exist, not even in an ideal world. It is something to abstract, to outside for the imagination even to grapple it.

Let me explain something. I am in love. I have been in love for a while now but i am not in a relationship, mainly because of my own choice. Mentally the title, the responsibility, the obligations, the commitment and much worse stuff scare me. Honestly, i haven't been in a "relationship" since i was 15 years old. Shouldn't love be bigger than a relationship, or a title, or marriage to say the least. At least, for now. But it's not. My hard truth, my fear is painful. For that i am sincerely apologetic.

Now let me ask the audience something. You ever have an arguement, a pointless one at that, but with all the time wasted and words spatted, the arguement just grows into something more terrible. You say things and so do they. Well it's like that a lot for me. I have probably said "the worst things i've ever heard" a few times.

I can't even finish that train of thought, main thing is... i will be in love and don't know if i will fall out of it but this constant "let's separate" bit on both our behalves is (insert word) devastating and annoying. Well i may have solved that problem because i don't know if we'll be talking or seeing each other much. A lot of other factors come in play: age, needs, wants, goals, pms, holidays, change, events, stress, and they all effected this arguement and possible separation.

I'm in pain but i'm also in denial but that's how the ball rolls, as the saying goes. I could go on forever on this subject but i can't really. It's time to just give my mind a rest, focus on school work, and making music AND more importantly succeeding in my dreams.

BTW: Growing up is not bad, it is just strange and rather interesting and it effects me everyday.

Whatever yall, just jam on it. Whatever it is.
And i will pray, hope, and yearn for positive outcomes in ALL my situations and in ALL of YOURS too.

Another day, another obstacle trying to strap you down into the electric chair.
Will i succumb? Will you? I hope not. Maybe i should stop hoping and do. Make this right. Either way, i'm still going to spend a lot of money coming up, even if the person and i are not...anything.

ZZZZZZ goodnight (cold) world, i'll see you in the morning...

Part 2: The Conclusion

Before I go to sleep, back in reality, back in my couch bed, back to my grandparents, to FAFSA, to registering for classes, to exams, studying, homework, workouts, to both of my sisters, sick...one with the flu and the other who is sick, to more arguing, bullshit, girl drama, and new york air, I just wanted to conclude my trip...

It was fun. 7/10 fun. Last time I went away it was about the same amount. A lot of shit was cool, different, interesting. The place my boy lived in was a awful, dirty and not maintained well, the people were extremely nice though, we blasted music out the ass, it was extremely hot (mind you, I had no shorts with me and I borrowed my boys long, black ones), sleeping habits were outrageous, drank a wholllllleeeeeeee lot. From the moment I stepped on campus to the end of the philly's game at 11 tonight. I'm about to fucking relapse man. My stomach feels bloated and is probably partially fucked up. I got class at 11 which means up by 8:30. I had some decent sleep in the car and on a chair/table which I set up myself. The 2nd night I slept soooo much better.NO, I did not hook up with anyone if you're wondering. Just going out from dorm to dorm, relaxing, chillen, cracking jokes, causing mayhem, and meeting a bunch of people. I played basketball too, not with the D1 bball team unfortunately. My allergies killed me saturday after I finished playing ball. I didn't get to see third eye blind which I thought was gunna be a cool experience...I guess not for us (lol). I learned a new game called baseball and KINGS and thunder and never have I ever. Friday was actually better than saturday for some reason :/.

Next, was the phillies game. Which was pretty cool. I got a philly cheesesteak, of course, and we drank beer before the game. The stadium was nice. We we're acting like ignorant new yorkers, of course and everyone was laughing but it was friendly and not violent. Mets had the lead and we were bragging until the phillies broke open in the 4th inning (Johan Santana let 5 home runs...smh). I got the METS up and coming first baseman to sign my ticket which was cool. Had some delicious icies. Then passed out like I'm going to do in a few minutes.

It was a nice, eventful trip. Made me kind of upset, missing out on that kind of experience but hey, I'm cool where I am at and there is a reason I'm there. Not sure anymore what that reason is but I like brooklyn college. It's different.

The last thing I'm gunna say is that...I'm just kind of sad. Sad for a lot of reasons BUT mainly because of my current situation with this girl. It's just been this up and down rollercoaster and it takes a toll on my physical and especially my mental. Arguing about the same old shit and hearing about the same old shit. If you're gunna do ur thing, okay, just don't say it allll the time because I don't want you to do your thing. I know you have to if I'm doing it...I guess. I'm just in a very confused and verrrryyy painful state. Everything just went from great to worse in a matter of a week or two (it was all good just a week ago- Jay-Z) and I just feel like I'm dying a little inside. Everytime I have hopes and am just letting things flow, it gets worse, awful and it strangles all the belief I have left in me that has deterioted over the last 2 years. I just picture my life with her and I feel a lot and can kind of imagine the rest and I picture a life without her and I see the difficulties and the struggle I will have to go through to get over this girl or to shove all my feelings underneath so that I don't even know they exist. Either way I'll find a way to survive and either way they'll both be bumpy. There's just sooooooooooo many obstalces that are in the way. I'm not gunna continue on because I don't want to say certain shit.

So...

Jam on it and have a goodnight rest and a great morning all readers.