Hey y'all,
for once I'm actually blogging from a computer, so for once, I'm going to try and keep this short. I'm still in Florida for those who don't know but only for another 2days and a half, which for me, is extremely saddening. Depressing actually. But life must move on, whether I'm ready or not. If you haven't been reading the reason WHY i will be extremely dysfunctional when i get back home is because my two little sisters are moving/moved to Florida indefinitely. It makes me want to cry inside writing it but there's not much i can do. Anyway, my time spent here has been semi-productive and fun but also very strange and fattening. I haven't exercised really. Just been watching movies and relaxing and joking with/on my sisters. Who are beautiful monsters as ne-yo would put it. lol. But let me list some of the few things i've done...
1. Networked on twitter, A LOT
2. Shot a video, that i am currently trying to edit as we speak
3. Watched a bunch of rap videos while being tormented because i cannot place new music on to my ipod
4. Trying to budget/find beats for this project that Pretty Boy Acey and I have been working on...scheduled released August 24....
5. My new found obsession: Dexter (dope showtime show)
6. I have seen Fight Club, 500days of summer, the spy next door, 2012, Daybreakers, Tooth Fairy, and i'm pretty sure i'm missing one.
7. I cooked my first meal...eggs with ham :)
8. Been working out in the house....10pd dumbells and chairs put together make for good dips lol
9. Been reprehended by my mother for being a "smart ass" and a "wise guy" yea i love her but my respect is always up and down
10. Went to the best/biggest mall i've seen so far
11. Pool Count: 1 Beach Count: 1 time to upgrade...
12. Bought an American Eagle shirt Money Spent so far: 29 bucks (29bucks over what i planned/wanted to)
That's about it so far. I also realized that i wish i had more money in my life...being money strapped aka poor is NOT fun.
Love you readers tho...
Changes are gon come lol
Jam on it!
Showing posts with label Fustrations. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Fustrations. Show all posts
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Friday, October 30, 2009
Only Jay-Z...
Yes. For those who know ONLY jay-z can do a bunch of shit and get away with it as well perform at events that no one in rap could've have imagined. For example, yesterday Jay-Z performed at yankee stadium (to my knowledge he's the first "rapper" ever to do something like that). It's amazing what one man accomplish. Sometimes i wonder if i could really even achieve 1/16 of his fame, love, friends, hate, success, and money. But regardless if i ever achieve my own dreams, Jay-Z has opened the door for hiphop, opened the door to Kanye West's ignorance and creativity. It's crazy. It makes me happy and the fact that he performed "Empire State of Mind" at the new yankee stadium leaves me speechless. I'm a little upset that he didn't do the third verse but the vibe is so paramount. Crazy. And on that note i also want to mention that i think i would pee in my pants, lmao, if even got a hook from Jay-Z but i have to remember that NOBODY is perfect. Not even our idols. They have faults, that we accept. Jay-Z probably did some grimey shit to "the little people" all big GUYS do but for everybody they trashed, they also helped other random people out. Through their music, charity, concerts, and being endorsements for political and social figures. That's just a rant because jay-z got dissed ONCE AGAIN, but an old friend of his, but that's life i guess.
Just enjoy the performance and for the first time in life, i don't hate the yankees. I want them to win and i feel this new sense of NEW YORK PRIDE. Except Pedro Martinez is my nigga! lol. Had to throw in something retarded.
Just enjoy the performance and for the first time in life, i don't hate the yankees. I want them to win and i feel this new sense of NEW YORK PRIDE. Except Pedro Martinez is my nigga! lol. Had to throw in something retarded.
Sunday, July 12, 2009
Do You reAlly Wanna Know What I'm Thinking?
Money. Not getting fat. Music. Music. Music. Watch what I eat. Basketball. Music. Basketball. Killing myself cause I'm at home all day. Learning how to drive. Masterbating. Fucking. Music. Fucking. Basketball. Not getting fat. Worries.
That's basically ALL my thoughts. Then repeat the cycle until I fall asleep.
I'll refresh this tomorrow.
And I got to post up the Bill O'Reilly non-sense.
I should try to read and get a mixtape full of music done. Actually I'm calling up some studios tomorrow and going to try and get this other kid "william" 's number from my mom's job n see if he wants to hang out.
I'll be back in NY the night of the 24th I believe. Just in time to see my grandparents one last time before they go to DR. Tear drop. I'm a call them tommorow I miss them.
So how does this title sound:
"The Wackness" based on the movie title. Hmmm.
How does all this sound:
"A.D.D M.E"
"Most Likely II Succeed"
"TBA"
"Dying II Live" (aka my street album then back to the mixtape: Jay-Z project, Reason 2 Believe 2.O, and one other shit).
Everything is coming in triples and I got o.d. Things going on in my head.
About to go on twitter, push ups, sleep, waking up at like 11:30 :)
Nighty
That's basically ALL my thoughts. Then repeat the cycle until I fall asleep.
I'll refresh this tomorrow.
And I got to post up the Bill O'Reilly non-sense.
I should try to read and get a mixtape full of music done. Actually I'm calling up some studios tomorrow and going to try and get this other kid "william" 's number from my mom's job n see if he wants to hang out.
I'll be back in NY the night of the 24th I believe. Just in time to see my grandparents one last time before they go to DR. Tear drop. I'm a call them tommorow I miss them.
So how does this title sound:
"The Wackness" based on the movie title. Hmmm.
How does all this sound:
"A.D.D M.E"
"Most Likely II Succeed"
"TBA"
"Dying II Live" (aka my street album then back to the mixtape: Jay-Z project, Reason 2 Believe 2.O, and one other shit).
Everything is coming in triples and I got o.d. Things going on in my head.
About to go on twitter, push ups, sleep, waking up at like 11:30 :)
Nighty
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
Part 2: Forces of Nature
Right now I have a cold and have just woken up from my long sleep.
Quick Note: I was fucking furious this morning because at 9:11 in the morning my grandmother wakes me up to move me into my aunt's room because I am an accomodation. They allow me to sleep in their home so when they need the living room, sleepy or sick, I have to be awaken from my sleep and start over. MORE bullshit.
Also I'm living in a 20th century house but living the 21st century life. Everday I get lectured and told I should be asleep around 11:30 all the way to I eventually go to sleep. My grandparent's and aunt alll wake up during the middle of the night and complain or shake their heads when I'm up. Making me feel guilty as fuck. It's bulllshit!
Back to what I was saying in the last entry:
Sooo I just have to add this first. In high school there's soo much going on that as a person you feel triumphant in life especially since everyone is pushing for you to graduate and etc.
In college it's different, not really a god damn soul carrying, caring, pushing, watching you do anything. If your having a hard time there's no life, no perseverence ain't shit but your self. I guess that's a part of growing up. Everything is on you and there's no one to give a fuck about you. Give a fuck about your grades or anything really. It's all (jonathan) you, or nothing...
Back to the inevitable. Basically you can't trust anyone, can't believe anyone, can't invest so much time, care, and emotion into people. Because you never know. How everything will play out...
One minute they're telling you how honest they can be with you and how they want to tell you the WHOLE TRUTH, the next minute they're not. Aka they're a different person.
To be honest I don't know what I'm really angry for, let's break down all the possible scenarios why...
It could be because I STUPIDLY tHought, something good/amazing was going on. I maybe thought that we were a team, a team means everything is equal and we help out eachother, but that wasn't true.
It could be that I trusted you like I probably never trusted anybody before and lost that trust. Which kind of steps into helping me instead of pushing me away.
I think all the above can be all put in the "pushing me away category." Frankly I don't know who you are, who you want to be, what you want, who you want to be with. Basically everything. And by pushing me away, I'm kind of trying to stay away. Cause maybe all those ppl who TOLD ME THINGS were on the verge to the truth.
And being pushed away is probably the most damaging thing for a person. For example-
My mother left to florida because she hated new york, hated my father, hated the problems, and wanted an escape. She married a younger man (ten years to be exact) who liked her since I met him. My mother had an idea which would be in the children's best interest. Take my little sister, give my father the middle one, and let me live with my grandparents (who now live in ecuador). This was when my father took my mom to court for custody because she was trying to split us up. Trying to split up the children which already tilts in my father's favor. With my mom so posed on leaving her old life to start a new one, she literally just gave up in court, gave up infront of everyone, gave us up for her new life. My mom was tired of throwing a fist and a jab to defend herself and defend her children. And that means...she gave up on us. The little people she brought into this world, she gave up on. YUP. Then she got mad at us, at my dad and my stepmom.
Now bringing 5 children into a small household with two, not even married yet, parents with so many problems of their own, wasn't the best situation. I don't think.
Truthfully, I'm forgetting the point of bringing it up so I'm going to re-read what I wrote but by the way the three of us are split up anyway, and sort of misreable in our own sense.
Okay, it's the pushing away. My mom pushed us away and then ended up going psycho for it. And it hurt all of us being seperated and seeing my mom just be somebody totally different then who we (I) thought she was.
Anyway, it's been like 8months shouldn't I be over it? Actually it's been 9 months shouldn't I be over it?
And with my dad I don't even know if I can blame him for the lack of communication, lack of attention, help, and whatever else you can think of with me. He's always extrememly busy and then when i started getting older I picked my "friends" over him because I was growing up and getting into girls.
I use to call my dad, my friend. I told him that one year and then the next year I just told him that he was my dad and I think he was a little hurt by it. And you know when you're little and your best friend is a family memeber than later you drift a part because you get older and go through stages well...the parent must feel sad, anger, fustration, and confusion and that's the best way I can describe my feelings.
Sure in the bigger picture or in the skeme of things, at least their here and I can cherish them when I can. BUT itks human nature to want more. To fix things, to realize things, to make a good situation improve. Because there's always something you can improve on, right?
Or is that just another WRONG cliche?
I think I'm just hurt cause I push people away because they leave. And this is what I deal with. This confusion everyday. And constantly thinking about someone who isn't a family member just makes it worse. I don't put all the blame on that sitaution, I just think that THAT was my last positive thing that went sour.
This is my point of view.
Fin
Quick Note: I was fucking furious this morning because at 9:11 in the morning my grandmother wakes me up to move me into my aunt's room because I am an accomodation. They allow me to sleep in their home so when they need the living room, sleepy or sick, I have to be awaken from my sleep and start over. MORE bullshit.
Also I'm living in a 20th century house but living the 21st century life. Everday I get lectured and told I should be asleep around 11:30 all the way to I eventually go to sleep. My grandparent's and aunt alll wake up during the middle of the night and complain or shake their heads when I'm up. Making me feel guilty as fuck. It's bulllshit!
Back to what I was saying in the last entry:
Sooo I just have to add this first. In high school there's soo much going on that as a person you feel triumphant in life especially since everyone is pushing for you to graduate and etc.
In college it's different, not really a god damn soul carrying, caring, pushing, watching you do anything. If your having a hard time there's no life, no perseverence ain't shit but your self. I guess that's a part of growing up. Everything is on you and there's no one to give a fuck about you. Give a fuck about your grades or anything really. It's all (jonathan) you, or nothing...
Back to the inevitable. Basically you can't trust anyone, can't believe anyone, can't invest so much time, care, and emotion into people. Because you never know. How everything will play out...
One minute they're telling you how honest they can be with you and how they want to tell you the WHOLE TRUTH, the next minute they're not. Aka they're a different person.
To be honest I don't know what I'm really angry for, let's break down all the possible scenarios why...
It could be because I STUPIDLY tHought, something good/amazing was going on. I maybe thought that we were a team, a team means everything is equal and we help out eachother, but that wasn't true.
It could be that I trusted you like I probably never trusted anybody before and lost that trust. Which kind of steps into helping me instead of pushing me away.
I think all the above can be all put in the "pushing me away category." Frankly I don't know who you are, who you want to be, what you want, who you want to be with. Basically everything. And by pushing me away, I'm kind of trying to stay away. Cause maybe all those ppl who TOLD ME THINGS were on the verge to the truth.
And being pushed away is probably the most damaging thing for a person. For example-
My mother left to florida because she hated new york, hated my father, hated the problems, and wanted an escape. She married a younger man (ten years to be exact) who liked her since I met him. My mother had an idea which would be in the children's best interest. Take my little sister, give my father the middle one, and let me live with my grandparents (who now live in ecuador). This was when my father took my mom to court for custody because she was trying to split us up. Trying to split up the children which already tilts in my father's favor. With my mom so posed on leaving her old life to start a new one, she literally just gave up in court, gave up infront of everyone, gave us up for her new life. My mom was tired of throwing a fist and a jab to defend herself and defend her children. And that means...she gave up on us. The little people she brought into this world, she gave up on. YUP. Then she got mad at us, at my dad and my stepmom.
Now bringing 5 children into a small household with two, not even married yet, parents with so many problems of their own, wasn't the best situation. I don't think.
Truthfully, I'm forgetting the point of bringing it up so I'm going to re-read what I wrote but by the way the three of us are split up anyway, and sort of misreable in our own sense.
Okay, it's the pushing away. My mom pushed us away and then ended up going psycho for it. And it hurt all of us being seperated and seeing my mom just be somebody totally different then who we (I) thought she was.
Anyway, it's been like 8months shouldn't I be over it? Actually it's been 9 months shouldn't I be over it?
And with my dad I don't even know if I can blame him for the lack of communication, lack of attention, help, and whatever else you can think of with me. He's always extrememly busy and then when i started getting older I picked my "friends" over him because I was growing up and getting into girls.
I use to call my dad, my friend. I told him that one year and then the next year I just told him that he was my dad and I think he was a little hurt by it. And you know when you're little and your best friend is a family memeber than later you drift a part because you get older and go through stages well...the parent must feel sad, anger, fustration, and confusion and that's the best way I can describe my feelings.
Sure in the bigger picture or in the skeme of things, at least their here and I can cherish them when I can. BUT itks human nature to want more. To fix things, to realize things, to make a good situation improve. Because there's always something you can improve on, right?
Or is that just another WRONG cliche?
I think I'm just hurt cause I push people away because they leave. And this is what I deal with. This confusion everyday. And constantly thinking about someone who isn't a family member just makes it worse. I don't put all the blame on that sitaution, I just think that THAT was my last positive thing that went sour.
This is my point of view.
Fin
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