These are my favorite wines. Sweet. Tasty. Between 5-12 percent alcohol. Pricing between 6- 15. Well worth it though. Moscato is dessert wine but good to sip at on any occasion. Just thought i'd educate then wine-less souls out there. :) enjoy.
Showing posts with label Growing up. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Growing up. Show all posts
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Mood Ring Drink: Special Edition (Moscato & Riesling)
These are my favorite wines. Sweet. Tasty. Between 5-12 percent alcohol. Pricing between 6- 15. Well worth it though. Moscato is dessert wine but good to sip at on any occasion. Just thought i'd educate then wine-less souls out there. :) enjoy.
Friday, December 18, 2009
FRINGE INDIE MAGAZINE: First EVER Jam Young Interview INSIDE
FRINGE INDIE MAGAZINE
This is my first ever interview and my first publication concerning my rap career besides in high school. I'm hoping for a lot more things to come. If you guys can check it out, it would be well appreciated. FOR REAL.
Thank you Audrey Allure :)
and Shout out to Julian for splitting the article with me.
P.S. it's on page 8
P.P.S. Add a computer hardrive to my christmas list lol
P.P.P.S for the lazy people, i got the article on my page. GANGSTA!
Now back to work...
This is my first ever interview and my first publication concerning my rap career besides in high school. I'm hoping for a lot more things to come. If you guys can check it out, it would be well appreciated. FOR REAL.
Thank you Audrey Allure :)
and Shout out to Julian for splitting the article with me.
P.S. it's on page 8
P.P.S. Add a computer hardrive to my christmas list lol
P.P.P.S for the lazy people, i got the article on my page. GANGSTA!
Now back to work...
2 Poems I Created In September During Some of My Classes
Drawing Board:
No chargein my phone
while my blackberry is on the IV
6 hours of sleep, so i feel like dying
tear drops held back, but can be seen on my sleeves
mute in the silence, somebody help please...
Fuck life
WANT.Act.COME To Me.
Touch.
Feeling. Spark.
Heat, Frozen Time.
Still.
Painting, Wonderful
Bloss, of bright colors in a dark room.
Connection...
Connection...
I need you, I really need you and love you so much/ for this moment.
Rush. Speed.
heat, Frozen Time,
Still, continous.
Life it up, pick you up
sweet but rough, scream for me.
Tell me what you want, how can i please you, how can i peel you back, dig deep
with my hands or with my pistol, my secret weapon
I Just Need
One Shot
Maybe two or three, but i want to thrust and make you sweat.
Make you clinch, bring out your desire, make you soak.
Extra wet.
The degrees of fire, reign, wind, Earth, temperature, rise, but
We
Are
One.
Again, jsut for the night, i grab you, squeeze you
Sylvia spewed, drops of it on your mountains, on your small fruit
but way more on my gun from god, that helps create
Forth and back, swolen, but keep it going
CLoser... than ever... before
Sweet, texture, but rough, ruff, lose your voice for me.
Make me work, sweatshop, drops, position, light.
on and off
Heat, Frozen Time,
Still, Continous, until
No chargein my phone
while my blackberry is on the IV
6 hours of sleep, so i feel like dying
tear drops held back, but can be seen on my sleeves
mute in the silence, somebody help please...
Fuck life
WANT.Act.COME To Me.
Touch.
Feeling. Spark.
Heat, Frozen Time.
Still.
Painting, Wonderful
Bloss, of bright colors in a dark room.
Connection...
Connection...
I need you, I really need you and love you so much/ for this moment.
Rush. Speed.
heat, Frozen Time,
Still, continous.
Life it up, pick you up
sweet but rough, scream for me.
Tell me what you want, how can i please you, how can i peel you back, dig deep
with my hands or with my pistol, my secret weapon
I Just Need
One Shot
Maybe two or three, but i want to thrust and make you sweat.
Make you clinch, bring out your desire, make you soak.
Extra wet.
The degrees of fire, reign, wind, Earth, temperature, rise, but
We
Are
One.
Again, jsut for the night, i grab you, squeeze you
Sylvia spewed, drops of it on your mountains, on your small fruit
but way more on my gun from god, that helps create
Forth and back, swolen, but keep it going
CLoser... than ever... before
Sweet, texture, but rough, ruff, lose your voice for me.
Make me work, sweatshop, drops, position, light.
on and off
Heat, Frozen Time,
Still, Continous, until
Thursday, November 19, 2009
299: Words from a broken heart...
"Is it better to have done and lost or not have it at all"
I know I didn't quote that correctly but I remember jay-z using that before in a freestyle and then later on a song and that is a crazy difficult question. Like wow, would u rather feel love and have a broken heart fro it or never know what it feels like to be "in love?"
Interesting huh? Or no? I think it is, personally. Otherwise I wouldn't be blogging about it, right? Duhh lol.
I just haven't been feeling right, every once in a while. i get these nostalgia feelings and thoughts that pop up relatively randomly. It all reminds me of a poem. A poem, which is incomplete, already written and yet not finished. When i originally started this entry i wanted to express those feelings. Those feeling that needed to be expressed not surpressed. To let you know, i feel for you, i feel for me, and i know you know that we both kinda know what being is love might, will, and does feel like.
Everything is in direct.
That is your key and clue. Accept it. Figure it out. Riddle. It's almost as this entry is poetic in a sense but doesn't make much sense to the reader. I just wanted to say the after relationship love... or the lack there of, is a complicated thing. especially when your ideas and ideals have, to a certain extent, been revealed and exposed, infaltrated.
It's the smell, the scent, the kiss, the softness of thy lips, the smoothness of thy tounge, and the concept that without a word spoken, the eyes tell a hundred sentences and well, your body, tells me what it yearns for. But the heart is a complicated thing, so complex it fucks with the mind.
It's the morning look, of hunger, desire, or the get away from me, you fucked up my sleep. The night turnings, the bathroom breaks, the paranoia of gaining well earned sleep. fucked up and placed blame onto another human being. love. it really is picnics in the park, walks by the dock, sushi outside, with your soft, glazed hair blowing in the wind as if a slow motion movie scene.
It is old, young, fire, pain, and the need for each other. The spark to argeeing and disagreeing. it is paint, splashed all over brand new tiles in the kitchen, as a roach dies by the spray which has been invented. it is vanity, confusion, complacency, but the fact that you and i know, there is nothing like this, better or worse. is this where you want to be? the path you would like to lead?
every sip of sin, in the bedroom when you scream or on the wine glass you hold so evidently tight. with lipstick or chapstick smeared on the tip. the edge of happiness. tilts like a scale. drama. melancholy. confusion.
would i ever like to love again? maybe. or do i wish to hold the one i have loved? maybe. it's this reluctancy to use logic over feelings that brings me to my knees and causes chaos in the body.
i have no answers. nor questions. just w0rds...
jus words
I know I didn't quote that correctly but I remember jay-z using that before in a freestyle and then later on a song and that is a crazy difficult question. Like wow, would u rather feel love and have a broken heart fro it or never know what it feels like to be "in love?"
Interesting huh? Or no? I think it is, personally. Otherwise I wouldn't be blogging about it, right? Duhh lol.
I just haven't been feeling right, every once in a while. i get these nostalgia feelings and thoughts that pop up relatively randomly. It all reminds me of a poem. A poem, which is incomplete, already written and yet not finished. When i originally started this entry i wanted to express those feelings. Those feeling that needed to be expressed not surpressed. To let you know, i feel for you, i feel for me, and i know you know that we both kinda know what being is love might, will, and does feel like.
Everything is in direct.
That is your key and clue. Accept it. Figure it out. Riddle. It's almost as this entry is poetic in a sense but doesn't make much sense to the reader. I just wanted to say the after relationship love... or the lack there of, is a complicated thing. especially when your ideas and ideals have, to a certain extent, been revealed and exposed, infaltrated.
It's the smell, the scent, the kiss, the softness of thy lips, the smoothness of thy tounge, and the concept that without a word spoken, the eyes tell a hundred sentences and well, your body, tells me what it yearns for. But the heart is a complicated thing, so complex it fucks with the mind.
It's the morning look, of hunger, desire, or the get away from me, you fucked up my sleep. The night turnings, the bathroom breaks, the paranoia of gaining well earned sleep. fucked up and placed blame onto another human being. love. it really is picnics in the park, walks by the dock, sushi outside, with your soft, glazed hair blowing in the wind as if a slow motion movie scene.
It is old, young, fire, pain, and the need for each other. The spark to argeeing and disagreeing. it is paint, splashed all over brand new tiles in the kitchen, as a roach dies by the spray which has been invented. it is vanity, confusion, complacency, but the fact that you and i know, there is nothing like this, better or worse. is this where you want to be? the path you would like to lead?
every sip of sin, in the bedroom when you scream or on the wine glass you hold so evidently tight. with lipstick or chapstick smeared on the tip. the edge of happiness. tilts like a scale. drama. melancholy. confusion.
would i ever like to love again? maybe. or do i wish to hold the one i have loved? maybe. it's this reluctancy to use logic over feelings that brings me to my knees and causes chaos in the body.
i have no answers. nor questions. just w0rds...
jus words
Friday, October 16, 2009
Artist Exposure Section: Introducting Karlovy "Knowing You a Fan..."
Above me, is the first official video i believe that any Gwopp Gettaz/K.O.S member has ever done. The video features many of the members in Gwopp Gettaz/K.O.S. but the most important one at the moment if Karlovy (use to have Sanchez @ the end).
Karlovy is somebody I've personally known for almost 4 years now. He's actually the first person outside of the little crew i had that i did a song with. I respected that. He was part of the Hidden Hand movement at one time, which i use to associate with but now everybody is a new group, and Karlovy is trying to make real moves. The first by creating this video and second dropping his second solo mixtape, which I'm hoping should be dope. I personally like him, a lot of his music. He's definitely got better and in the scheme of things is my competition, it's a friendly competition though. So in honor of his moves and for the respect i have for him, i decided to be nice and put up his video WHICH I HOPE THAT EVERYONE VIEWS.
The song is one of the best ones i've heard from him. Dre, Karlovy's real name, has a unique sound to his voice and in my opinion a lot of potential which i hope he can transform into a career. I don't necessarily agree with everything he or anyone else is doing but i respect it and until i get my shit together, i cannot vocalize that opinion very often. We've been out of contact in recent but i hope i can get some records done with him and the crew. I wish him the best of luck and will be talking about him further as my music career is moving out of the station.
Tell me what you guys think....my opinon will be said LATER lol
:)
Love Life, Fuck circumstances haha
Monday, September 7, 2009
Hope He reCeives My Love
Hey, i just want to shout out my uncle/brother Michael J. Rivera aka Em Jay (changed his name from Mike J. Gottie). Today's his birthday and he's spent the last five days in Vegas, which i'm certainly a little jelous of but hopefully my time will come. Actually, i know it will. I'm a wild boy and CAN'T HELP IT! ("I can't help it, if i wanted to, i can't help, even if i could" (RIP Michael Jackson)).
And Happy Birthday to my Man Marcus too. I just met him in the summer but he's a really cool dude. I found out he rapped and me and my man (partner) Johnny F took him to the studio and he recorded two songs with us. His first two songs EVER and hopefully they aren't the LAST too. Actually on friday i was suppose to go visit him in R.I., because he dorms there and plays football for a low D1 school (how cool is that) but i had work friday and i'm not that upset although it would've been nice chilling with him.
That reminds me i had a pretty good therapy session on Saturday. I actually made it on time, well of course i paid for a cab because technically i was late, lol. But i have to make a better effort to be more on time with things and i SWEAR i'm trying. I still have a few months left to try and earn my permit for driving. That was one of my goals for the year and can't forget about that.
Those who are wondering i'm still doing the Rebirth, or going through the Rebirth process. I just haven't mentioned it or really have been following it. I've been a mess, lack of sleep, school, i'm still not very adjusted and cordinated. Anyway, since school is starting i'll be back on my grind. I'm almost at entry 250 and the year anniversary is in a few months (december) so hopefully i can reach 400 by then. But i'm not going to rush or force anything.
I think i should go running, i don't well see. I just wanted to write about the events this week before i leave:
Sept 8.- Jay-Z "Blueprint 3" drops (A MUST BUY FOR EVERYONE!)
Raekwon "Only Built For Cuban Linx 2" (Debating about buying it but i heard it was going to be an awesome album)
50 Cent "50 Laws of (?)" mixtape drops which i will definitely download.
(p.s. i need to buy a new usb)
My school work out facility opens up! holla! i can't wait to be fit.
Then running cross country (if i can get someone to switch with me :/)
I need to buy my books and get a fucking loannnnnnnnnnnn!
I still owe the MTA MAD MONEY! So i have to get that done ASAP. (i'm gunna cry)
Sept 9. -First day of basketball workouts (nails bitting)
Possible drop off class and pick up of another
Sept 10. - Regular day of school :(
Probably going to RFK before i go to school
Sept 11. - 8 year anniversary of 9/11 (RIP to all the people that died)
8 year anniversary of the first Jay-Z "Blueprint"
Happy Birthday Fabolous
And Jay-Z concert, HOPEFULLLYYYYYYYYYYY (It's going to be telecated though @ 9 o clock)
Sept 12.- Therapy/possible work
Sept 13. - True Blood finale
Fist Cross Country Meet
stress....blah...stay positive...
JAM the fuck OUT!
And Happy Birthday to my Man Marcus too. I just met him in the summer but he's a really cool dude. I found out he rapped and me and my man (partner) Johnny F took him to the studio and he recorded two songs with us. His first two songs EVER and hopefully they aren't the LAST too. Actually on friday i was suppose to go visit him in R.I., because he dorms there and plays football for a low D1 school (how cool is that) but i had work friday and i'm not that upset although it would've been nice chilling with him.
That reminds me i had a pretty good therapy session on Saturday. I actually made it on time, well of course i paid for a cab because technically i was late, lol. But i have to make a better effort to be more on time with things and i SWEAR i'm trying. I still have a few months left to try and earn my permit for driving. That was one of my goals for the year and can't forget about that.
Those who are wondering i'm still doing the Rebirth, or going through the Rebirth process. I just haven't mentioned it or really have been following it. I've been a mess, lack of sleep, school, i'm still not very adjusted and cordinated. Anyway, since school is starting i'll be back on my grind. I'm almost at entry 250 and the year anniversary is in a few months (december) so hopefully i can reach 400 by then. But i'm not going to rush or force anything.
I think i should go running, i don't well see. I just wanted to write about the events this week before i leave:
Sept 8.- Jay-Z "Blueprint 3" drops (A MUST BUY FOR EVERYONE!)
Raekwon "Only Built For Cuban Linx 2" (Debating about buying it but i heard it was going to be an awesome album)
50 Cent "50 Laws of (?)" mixtape drops which i will definitely download.
(p.s. i need to buy a new usb)
My school work out facility opens up! holla! i can't wait to be fit.
Then running cross country (if i can get someone to switch with me :/)
I need to buy my books and get a fucking loannnnnnnnnnnn!
I still owe the MTA MAD MONEY! So i have to get that done ASAP. (i'm gunna cry)
Sept 9. -First day of basketball workouts (nails bitting)
Possible drop off class and pick up of another
Sept 10. - Regular day of school :(
Probably going to RFK before i go to school
Sept 11. - 8 year anniversary of 9/11 (RIP to all the people that died)
8 year anniversary of the first Jay-Z "Blueprint"
Happy Birthday Fabolous
And Jay-Z concert, HOPEFULLLYYYYYYYYYYY (It's going to be telecated though @ 9 o clock)
Sept 12.- Therapy/possible work
Sept 13. - True Blood finale
Fist Cross Country Meet
stress....blah...stay positive...
JAM the fuck OUT!
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Reliving: Mini-Mixtape
What's good yall!
Jjust wanted to put you guys on, i don't have an official date or anything. I wouldn't even call this a project really. i just decided instead of just releasing every track separately i'd make it into like a mini-mixtape called "Mr. Feature." Ya dig! it's me on 4 other people's songs, who left a space in their song to rap on and i have taken the opportunity to excute on it. There will be an intro explaining the project and not to take it as like "hey promote this shit." In my head i'm more like hey you guys haven't heard anything new from me since march and HEY i'm still alive and grinding hard (which my followers and people close to me KNOW) but others not too much. Here's the B.S. cover i made for it.
Might talk to Julian about doing it over or a backcover. I'm working on a backcover but if i don't make one it's whatever. I'm going to the studio real soon. So i'm just prepping ya dig!
Updates coming today/tonight/tomorrow before work.
Let me know what you think i'll either post a link for one of the songs or put it on youtube.
Later!
EDIT: Track list
1. Intro (Featuring Jam Young)
2. Watching Me Remix (with Shawn Chrystopher)
3. Keys Remix (with Trey Songz)
4. Kiss Me Thru Da Phone Remix (with Mike Posner)
5. Bruce Lee (with XV)
Bonus:
Fabolous 3 (with Johnny F & eZ)
most of the artist you won't know but they're pretty big on the hip-hop blog stuff. So i'm promoting them while promoting myself. :) hope yall enjoy.
First leak will be the Keys Remix, that's probably my favorite haha
Jjust wanted to put you guys on, i don't have an official date or anything. I wouldn't even call this a project really. i just decided instead of just releasing every track separately i'd make it into like a mini-mixtape called "Mr. Feature." Ya dig! it's me on 4 other people's songs, who left a space in their song to rap on and i have taken the opportunity to excute on it. There will be an intro explaining the project and not to take it as like "hey promote this shit." In my head i'm more like hey you guys haven't heard anything new from me since march and HEY i'm still alive and grinding hard (which my followers and people close to me KNOW) but others not too much. Here's the B.S. cover i made for it.
Might talk to Julian about doing it over or a backcover. I'm working on a backcover but if i don't make one it's whatever. I'm going to the studio real soon. So i'm just prepping ya dig!
Updates coming today/tonight/tomorrow before work.
Let me know what you think i'll either post a link for one of the songs or put it on youtube.
Later!
EDIT: Track list
1. Intro (Featuring Jam Young)
2. Watching Me Remix (with Shawn Chrystopher)
3. Keys Remix (with Trey Songz)
4. Kiss Me Thru Da Phone Remix (with Mike Posner)
5. Bruce Lee (with XV)
Bonus:
Fabolous 3 (with Johnny F & eZ)
most of the artist you won't know but they're pretty big on the hip-hop blog stuff. So i'm promoting them while promoting myself. :) hope yall enjoy.
First leak will be the Keys Remix, that's probably my favorite haha
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Mood Ring Part 3: Recalling (Nostalgia)
I was going to post the lyrics BUT hey, the lyrics are on the video. Tough song. This should have been the third single after "butterflies" :)
RIP MJJ
Monday, July 20, 2009
Recognition
Sorry. I can't go to bed. I have this stupid, sloppy ass habit of sleeping this late. And I have to force myself to stop but looks like today won't be the day soo. I have to say a few things. Mainly one though. Sorry I haven't been updating you guys on my trip but I will. Just give me time to sort it out in my head so I can type it/write it out for you wonderful readers :).
I put the title as recognition because I wanna shout out all the moms out there. Every single one of them good and bad. BUT mainly the ones who at least try. AND I can say although my mom has had setbacks n has acted like a crazy person I love her. I love her with all her faults. Yea she abondoned my sisters and I physically but never really emotionally n financially.
Being in Florida really makes me appreciate her more. The crazy thing is I basically see her ONCE a year for however long I stay or she stays in new york. And that is shitty and sucks a lot. My mom isn't the best mom but I'm glad she's my mom. :)
She's actually being really positive and fun. Dressing up. Looking nice. Cooking for us and etc. So I'm helping her...in small ways. Entertaining my sister. Play video games with her. Making her life. Paying for movies, food, and other little things here and there. I know she has very little money and can't pay for this house by herself BUT what I love about my mom is that she is resourceful. She finds a way to do things. She makes things happen. Especially financially. Sure she's in debt but she never let's money weigh over her head to an extreme extent. My dad does and it really pains me. Cause even when he had money it was the same story. I love my dad but money is one thing I will never ask him for. EVER. Anyway, my mom pushes. She works hard. Makes results. And I'm glad I adopted that quality from her.
I love her. And if your reading this entry I want you to tell your mom that you love her too. Even if she miles away or in a better place (heaven) she can still hear you and know that you mean it. So on that note.
I love you mom. With all my heart. And I miss you a lot. I wish you were still here with me everyday... Even if I don't say it or show it. I do. I really, really, honestly do.
Night yall...
I put the title as recognition because I wanna shout out all the moms out there. Every single one of them good and bad. BUT mainly the ones who at least try. AND I can say although my mom has had setbacks n has acted like a crazy person I love her. I love her with all her faults. Yea she abondoned my sisters and I physically but never really emotionally n financially.
Being in Florida really makes me appreciate her more. The crazy thing is I basically see her ONCE a year for however long I stay or she stays in new york. And that is shitty and sucks a lot. My mom isn't the best mom but I'm glad she's my mom. :)
She's actually being really positive and fun. Dressing up. Looking nice. Cooking for us and etc. So I'm helping her...in small ways. Entertaining my sister. Play video games with her. Making her life. Paying for movies, food, and other little things here and there. I know she has very little money and can't pay for this house by herself BUT what I love about my mom is that she is resourceful. She finds a way to do things. She makes things happen. Especially financially. Sure she's in debt but she never let's money weigh over her head to an extreme extent. My dad does and it really pains me. Cause even when he had money it was the same story. I love my dad but money is one thing I will never ask him for. EVER. Anyway, my mom pushes. She works hard. Makes results. And I'm glad I adopted that quality from her.
I love her. And if your reading this entry I want you to tell your mom that you love her too. Even if she miles away or in a better place (heaven) she can still hear you and know that you mean it. So on that note.
I love you mom. With all my heart. And I miss you a lot. I wish you were still here with me everyday... Even if I don't say it or show it. I do. I really, really, honestly do.
Night yall...
Sunday, June 7, 2009
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
Part 2: Forces of Nature
Right now I have a cold and have just woken up from my long sleep.
Quick Note: I was fucking furious this morning because at 9:11 in the morning my grandmother wakes me up to move me into my aunt's room because I am an accomodation. They allow me to sleep in their home so when they need the living room, sleepy or sick, I have to be awaken from my sleep and start over. MORE bullshit.
Also I'm living in a 20th century house but living the 21st century life. Everday I get lectured and told I should be asleep around 11:30 all the way to I eventually go to sleep. My grandparent's and aunt alll wake up during the middle of the night and complain or shake their heads when I'm up. Making me feel guilty as fuck. It's bulllshit!
Back to what I was saying in the last entry:
Sooo I just have to add this first. In high school there's soo much going on that as a person you feel triumphant in life especially since everyone is pushing for you to graduate and etc.
In college it's different, not really a god damn soul carrying, caring, pushing, watching you do anything. If your having a hard time there's no life, no perseverence ain't shit but your self. I guess that's a part of growing up. Everything is on you and there's no one to give a fuck about you. Give a fuck about your grades or anything really. It's all (jonathan) you, or nothing...
Back to the inevitable. Basically you can't trust anyone, can't believe anyone, can't invest so much time, care, and emotion into people. Because you never know. How everything will play out...
One minute they're telling you how honest they can be with you and how they want to tell you the WHOLE TRUTH, the next minute they're not. Aka they're a different person.
To be honest I don't know what I'm really angry for, let's break down all the possible scenarios why...
It could be because I STUPIDLY tHought, something good/amazing was going on. I maybe thought that we were a team, a team means everything is equal and we help out eachother, but that wasn't true.
It could be that I trusted you like I probably never trusted anybody before and lost that trust. Which kind of steps into helping me instead of pushing me away.
I think all the above can be all put in the "pushing me away category." Frankly I don't know who you are, who you want to be, what you want, who you want to be with. Basically everything. And by pushing me away, I'm kind of trying to stay away. Cause maybe all those ppl who TOLD ME THINGS were on the verge to the truth.
And being pushed away is probably the most damaging thing for a person. For example-
My mother left to florida because she hated new york, hated my father, hated the problems, and wanted an escape. She married a younger man (ten years to be exact) who liked her since I met him. My mother had an idea which would be in the children's best interest. Take my little sister, give my father the middle one, and let me live with my grandparents (who now live in ecuador). This was when my father took my mom to court for custody because she was trying to split us up. Trying to split up the children which already tilts in my father's favor. With my mom so posed on leaving her old life to start a new one, she literally just gave up in court, gave up infront of everyone, gave us up for her new life. My mom was tired of throwing a fist and a jab to defend herself and defend her children. And that means...she gave up on us. The little people she brought into this world, she gave up on. YUP. Then she got mad at us, at my dad and my stepmom.
Now bringing 5 children into a small household with two, not even married yet, parents with so many problems of their own, wasn't the best situation. I don't think.
Truthfully, I'm forgetting the point of bringing it up so I'm going to re-read what I wrote but by the way the three of us are split up anyway, and sort of misreable in our own sense.
Okay, it's the pushing away. My mom pushed us away and then ended up going psycho for it. And it hurt all of us being seperated and seeing my mom just be somebody totally different then who we (I) thought she was.
Anyway, it's been like 8months shouldn't I be over it? Actually it's been 9 months shouldn't I be over it?
And with my dad I don't even know if I can blame him for the lack of communication, lack of attention, help, and whatever else you can think of with me. He's always extrememly busy and then when i started getting older I picked my "friends" over him because I was growing up and getting into girls.
I use to call my dad, my friend. I told him that one year and then the next year I just told him that he was my dad and I think he was a little hurt by it. And you know when you're little and your best friend is a family memeber than later you drift a part because you get older and go through stages well...the parent must feel sad, anger, fustration, and confusion and that's the best way I can describe my feelings.
Sure in the bigger picture or in the skeme of things, at least their here and I can cherish them when I can. BUT itks human nature to want more. To fix things, to realize things, to make a good situation improve. Because there's always something you can improve on, right?
Or is that just another WRONG cliche?
I think I'm just hurt cause I push people away because they leave. And this is what I deal with. This confusion everyday. And constantly thinking about someone who isn't a family member just makes it worse. I don't put all the blame on that sitaution, I just think that THAT was my last positive thing that went sour.
This is my point of view.
Fin
Quick Note: I was fucking furious this morning because at 9:11 in the morning my grandmother wakes me up to move me into my aunt's room because I am an accomodation. They allow me to sleep in their home so when they need the living room, sleepy or sick, I have to be awaken from my sleep and start over. MORE bullshit.
Also I'm living in a 20th century house but living the 21st century life. Everday I get lectured and told I should be asleep around 11:30 all the way to I eventually go to sleep. My grandparent's and aunt alll wake up during the middle of the night and complain or shake their heads when I'm up. Making me feel guilty as fuck. It's bulllshit!
Back to what I was saying in the last entry:
Sooo I just have to add this first. In high school there's soo much going on that as a person you feel triumphant in life especially since everyone is pushing for you to graduate and etc.
In college it's different, not really a god damn soul carrying, caring, pushing, watching you do anything. If your having a hard time there's no life, no perseverence ain't shit but your self. I guess that's a part of growing up. Everything is on you and there's no one to give a fuck about you. Give a fuck about your grades or anything really. It's all (jonathan) you, or nothing...
Back to the inevitable. Basically you can't trust anyone, can't believe anyone, can't invest so much time, care, and emotion into people. Because you never know. How everything will play out...
One minute they're telling you how honest they can be with you and how they want to tell you the WHOLE TRUTH, the next minute they're not. Aka they're a different person.
To be honest I don't know what I'm really angry for, let's break down all the possible scenarios why...
It could be because I STUPIDLY tHought, something good/amazing was going on. I maybe thought that we were a team, a team means everything is equal and we help out eachother, but that wasn't true.
It could be that I trusted you like I probably never trusted anybody before and lost that trust. Which kind of steps into helping me instead of pushing me away.
I think all the above can be all put in the "pushing me away category." Frankly I don't know who you are, who you want to be, what you want, who you want to be with. Basically everything. And by pushing me away, I'm kind of trying to stay away. Cause maybe all those ppl who TOLD ME THINGS were on the verge to the truth.
And being pushed away is probably the most damaging thing for a person. For example-
My mother left to florida because she hated new york, hated my father, hated the problems, and wanted an escape. She married a younger man (ten years to be exact) who liked her since I met him. My mother had an idea which would be in the children's best interest. Take my little sister, give my father the middle one, and let me live with my grandparents (who now live in ecuador). This was when my father took my mom to court for custody because she was trying to split us up. Trying to split up the children which already tilts in my father's favor. With my mom so posed on leaving her old life to start a new one, she literally just gave up in court, gave up infront of everyone, gave us up for her new life. My mom was tired of throwing a fist and a jab to defend herself and defend her children. And that means...she gave up on us. The little people she brought into this world, she gave up on. YUP. Then she got mad at us, at my dad and my stepmom.
Now bringing 5 children into a small household with two, not even married yet, parents with so many problems of their own, wasn't the best situation. I don't think.
Truthfully, I'm forgetting the point of bringing it up so I'm going to re-read what I wrote but by the way the three of us are split up anyway, and sort of misreable in our own sense.
Okay, it's the pushing away. My mom pushed us away and then ended up going psycho for it. And it hurt all of us being seperated and seeing my mom just be somebody totally different then who we (I) thought she was.
Anyway, it's been like 8months shouldn't I be over it? Actually it's been 9 months shouldn't I be over it?
And with my dad I don't even know if I can blame him for the lack of communication, lack of attention, help, and whatever else you can think of with me. He's always extrememly busy and then when i started getting older I picked my "friends" over him because I was growing up and getting into girls.
I use to call my dad, my friend. I told him that one year and then the next year I just told him that he was my dad and I think he was a little hurt by it. And you know when you're little and your best friend is a family memeber than later you drift a part because you get older and go through stages well...the parent must feel sad, anger, fustration, and confusion and that's the best way I can describe my feelings.
Sure in the bigger picture or in the skeme of things, at least their here and I can cherish them when I can. BUT itks human nature to want more. To fix things, to realize things, to make a good situation improve. Because there's always something you can improve on, right?
Or is that just another WRONG cliche?
I think I'm just hurt cause I push people away because they leave. And this is what I deal with. This confusion everyday. And constantly thinking about someone who isn't a family member just makes it worse. I don't put all the blame on that sitaution, I just think that THAT was my last positive thing that went sour.
This is my point of view.
Fin
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Am I Right?...or Am I Right?
Okay, now I want your opinion on this. My father really doesn't pay for anything for me. Not school books, not school, not food, not anything. My mom pays him child support (for me and my sisters) and I don't see any of that, nope not a dime. Yes my dad doesn't make A LOT of money especially to support (4 kids that live with him), my sister who doesn't, and me (although, as I just said I don't see anything). THE ONE THING my dad does pay for is this...my phone bill BUT NOW he may not even pay for that. Which is on a family plan, (I don't go over my mins or anything) so it's not even like ten dollars to have me on (but if I had my own, with the iphone it's at least maybe 50 a month).
Is it reasonable for me to argue and get upset at this??? I know I'm 19 years old but I work ten hrs a week with a salary, ten cents over minimum wage. And that metrocard nonsense is gunna kill all of us but am I wrong? I really don't think so. And my wonderful readers can try and change my mind so I can see it another way but...NAHHHHH
I'm right? Right? RIGHT!
Is it reasonable for me to argue and get upset at this??? I know I'm 19 years old but I work ten hrs a week with a salary, ten cents over minimum wage. And that metrocard nonsense is gunna kill all of us but am I wrong? I really don't think so. And my wonderful readers can try and change my mind so I can see it another way but...NAHHHHH
I'm right? Right? RIGHT!
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