Happy (Black) Thanksgiving (Friday) Day lol.

Hey yall,
I decided to put the last two days together in one entry so happy thanksgiving and black friday to you all. I really hope that everyone got to spend time with families and friends and stuffed their faces with turkey. I had a good time. It was really nice. I'm actually in florida visiting my mom and sisters and my grandmother's here. We had a lot of good homemade food. My sister's are pretty good cooks. Also had some wine. Actually in the last 2 hours, I've had lots of wine but it was delicious. Moscato for life baby.

Anyway, black friday was alright. Only went to target and the mall but there weren't any crazy sales. I still really want NBA 2K11 and Jay-Z's decoded book but I'll have to wait. I did get two copies of kanye's album, the nicki minaj album, curren$y album, and the itunes Lloyd Banks album. I'm tight tho because I haven't found a physical copy of Lloyd Banks' album...smh but whatever. I got a new pair of sneakers and some new clothing but nothing too crazy or too much. Btw, on a random note, I HATE NOT excerising. Wish I could play ball but instead I'll try and relax myself and get some work done. I have a LOT of work to do. An insurmountable amount of work. Shit sucks but still trying to enjoy my time. I also got my new phone, which I'm trying to set up so this entry will probably be the last from my blackberry curve.

Anyway, I'm getting back to my family time. Go buy music albums today, for real all the music is fantastic. Enjoy yourselves and know that I appreciate anytime you take out to read into my life.

Jam on it! The chronicles begin...

And It's Over... For Now...

Sad shit really. Extremely sad shit. Yesterday was my last full day and last night in Florida and i tried to spend it as good as possible. Went to the pool again, went to get NY pizza in Florida, and just watched my last episode of Dexter (season 2) and true blood's latest one. Worked out a little. It was actual a beautiful ending...in a sense. My sisters and i swam in the pool and reminisced. We laughed mostly and tried to reconcile things about our past...things that they didn't know/remember. I told them a few things but its funny how much i forgot at the moment...it seemed like the 20 years of my life went by so fast. I was choked up. It feels like it was just the other day, we were living up stairs in our 2 family house, with my mom and it was us 3. Me, Victoria, and Ashley. It was like a movie honestly. And i don't think they realize the intensity of the situation. My youth...is ending. Sure the 20's are going to be, possibly the best years of my life BUT i'll be grown up. Looking for a real job, contemplating kids, marriage and all that other shit you think about when your a kid but honestly i think every grown up would like to be a kid again...at least until maybe they have one. A kid. that is a part of you. looks like you. acts like you. My sisters won't be teens for long and by the time you know it, things may be so different... and just on an (insert/cliff note) i'll miss my mom a lot too. It's always a pleasure having her around but i'm use to her not being around...but my sisters...not really. They've always been there and just their presence sometimes has kept me going. Now i'm going back to college point with an empty bedroom and mixed feelings. That place use to feel like home and maybe it still will be but it won't be the same. At all. I just can't take this right now.

I just really wish i could be there again...how did everything happen so fast. The divorce. The moving. The remarriage. The moving. The running away. The me-leaving. The closer i get to 21...the more and more i realize that growing up kinda sucks...especially when your doing it alone. All i wanna do is cry. shit all i'm doing is crying but i have to get ready and move. The best people in life learn to adjust and i guess even when their heart is dismembered, they strive. That's what i'm best at. Falling off the horse and trying again...no matter how many or how bad my insecurities are. I've wrote mainly painful entries in this blog and this is no different. BUt only the future and god knows what its hold and then again, maybe not even them. All i know is that...i have to make a change and call. Visit more. This once a year crap has to be done. Its gunna be hard tho, when its just me going down there and they may be coming up...means i may not see my mom.

I'd write more but i have to make this place a lot less personal. AND i have to get ready. itsallgoodevenwhenitaint... well we'll see.

Need To Enrich Your Life? Listen to Will

Yo i swear i wish i knew jay-z, wish Will Smith was my father, and that i was dating jennifer anniston. But on some real shit, i've talked to you guys about the connection between my real father and Will Smith, so when i see Will Smith it's really wierd for me. Maybe that's why Pursuit of Happyness is like one of my favorite movies. That shit is emotional and i'm dysfunctional lol. I guess that makes sense. But for real take ten minutes out your day and watch this video. It's everything you're scared to hear and everything you don't want to do but should.

ReVisiting

Please watch the video BELOW! PLEASE!

Now, today I talked to an old, very old friend dates back to Middle School old. Her name is Vanessa. Very cool girl. She just randomly hit me up and we just started talking, you know, regular stuff. School, major (school, lol), outside life, boyfriend. Turns out she does have a boyfriend and he's produced some of the biggest up and coming names in the underground. AND he has recorded in the same place with me, with people I've known for years.

CRAZY! She digged some of my music. I mean she listens to like REAL HIP-HOP so you know. It's a nice compliment when she says I have potential, flow, and likes a couple tracks. Haha. Not like she's an A and R but it's always good compliments with feedback. I really hope when I get back I can work with her boyfriend. Can't jump to conclusions but music wise, shit is going pretty good.

She did say ONE, REALLY important thing which is always on my mind. TOPICS. Spreading my ideas. Reaching out to a whole bunch of people. That was key because basically she reiterated what I already thought in my mind. SO I gotta step it up and I will. WHEN the TIME IS RIGHT. For now, I'm just gunna kill every track I go on. And show people I can spit and rock with the best at 19! Ya dig!

I reall hope this guy B/A (twitter.com/hansommanson) gets on my track. He's probably the coolest if not one of the coolest in MGM/Demevolist aka Charles Hamilton's friend. If I could have him a track would be awesome. Then to actually do a fresh, new track would be crack.

Should I go to a studio in FL, priced at 40bucks an hour? Hmmm?

Got some shit though!!! I promise. Woody I'm a send u some shit and I hope you enjoy 4real.

My ode part one going to get re-done n be online for free. It'll be like the street single cause I'm making a part 2 (genius I know). Sorry. I'm just re-shaping my mind and my blog. Better, bigger topics. You'll see.

ALL IN DUE TIME! Vanessa dumb cool though. I'll probably see her very soon. Me and Johnny F gotta get some shit done too.

Being in west palm is kinda like being in jail. I just think, think, write, download music.

Jennifer Anniston is my girlllllll! Sorry had to say that.

Anyway, I'll keep you updated on my "sex life" lmao and this Florida adventure haha.

NIGHT

Still Growing

Idk if I'm grown up enough to...wish you love

Part 2: Forces of Nature

Right now I have a cold and have just woken up from my long sleep.

Quick Note: I was fucking furious this morning because at 9:11 in the morning my grandmother wakes me up to move me into my aunt's room because I am an accomodation. They allow me to sleep in their home so when they need the living room, sleepy or sick, I have to be awaken from my sleep and start over. MORE bullshit.

Also I'm living in a 20th century house but living the 21st century life. Everday I get lectured and told I should be asleep around 11:30 all the way to I eventually go to sleep. My grandparent's and aunt alll wake up during the middle of the night and complain or shake their heads when I'm up. Making me feel guilty as fuck. It's bulllshit!

Back to what I was saying in the last entry:

Sooo I just have to add this first. In high school there's soo much going on that as a person you feel triumphant in life especially since everyone is pushing for you to graduate and etc.

In college it's different, not really a god damn soul carrying, caring, pushing, watching you do anything. If your having a hard time there's no life, no perseverence ain't shit but your self. I guess that's a part of growing up. Everything is on you and there's no one to give a fuck about you. Give a fuck about your grades or anything really. It's all (jonathan) you, or nothing...

Back to the inevitable. Basically you can't trust anyone, can't believe anyone, can't invest so much time, care, and emotion into people. Because you never know. How everything will play out...

One minute they're telling you how honest they can be with you and how they want to tell you the WHOLE TRUTH, the next minute they're not. Aka they're a different person.

To be honest I don't know what I'm really angry for, let's break down all the possible scenarios why...

It could be because I STUPIDLY tHought, something good/amazing was going on. I maybe thought that we were a team, a team means everything is equal and we help out eachother, but that wasn't true.

It could be that I trusted you like I probably never trusted anybody before and lost that trust. Which kind of steps into helping me instead of pushing me away.

I think all the above can be all put in the "pushing me away category." Frankly I don't know who you are, who you want to be, what you want, who you want to be with. Basically everything. And by pushing me away, I'm kind of trying to stay away. Cause maybe all those ppl who TOLD ME THINGS were on the verge to the truth.

And being pushed away is probably the most damaging thing for a person. For example-

My mother left to florida because she hated new york, hated my father, hated the problems, and wanted an escape. She married a younger man (ten years to be exact) who liked her since I met him. My mother had an idea which would be in the children's best interest. Take my little sister, give my father the middle one, and let me live with my grandparents (who now live in ecuador). This was when my father took my mom to court for custody because she was trying to split us up. Trying to split up the children which already tilts in my father's favor. With my mom so posed on leaving her old life to start a new one, she literally just gave up in court, gave up infront of everyone, gave us up for her new life. My mom was tired of throwing a fist and a jab to defend herself and defend her children. And that means...she gave up on us. The little people she brought into this world, she gave up on. YUP. Then she got mad at us, at my dad and my stepmom.

Now bringing 5 children into a small household with two, not even married yet, parents with so many problems of their own, wasn't the best situation. I don't think.

Truthfully, I'm forgetting the point of bringing it up so I'm going to re-read what I wrote but by the way the three of us are split up anyway, and sort of misreable in our own sense.

Okay, it's the pushing away. My mom pushed us away and then ended up going psycho for it. And it hurt all of us being seperated and seeing my mom just be somebody totally different then who we (I) thought she was.

Anyway, it's been like 8months shouldn't I be over it? Actually it's been 9 months shouldn't I be over it?

And with my dad I don't even know if I can blame him for the lack of communication, lack of attention, help, and whatever else you can think of with me. He's always extrememly busy and then when i started getting older I picked my "friends" over him because I was growing up and getting into girls.

I use to call my dad, my friend. I told him that one year and then the next year I just told him that he was my dad and I think he was a little hurt by it. And you know when you're little and your best friend is a family memeber than later you drift a part because you get older and go through stages well...the parent must feel sad, anger, fustration, and confusion and that's the best way I can describe my feelings.

Sure in the bigger picture or in the skeme of things, at least their here and I can cherish them when I can. BUT itks human nature to want more. To fix things, to realize things, to make a good situation improve. Because there's always something you can improve on, right?

Or is that just another WRONG cliche?

I think I'm just hurt cause I push people away because they leave. And this is what I deal with. This confusion everyday. And constantly thinking about someone who isn't a family member just makes it worse. I don't put all the blame on that sitaution, I just think that THAT was my last positive thing that went sour.

This is my point of view.

Fin