Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Greatness
This video is how greatness starts. A lot of people have criticized drake but personally he is a great artist. An artist who will make a dent in the game. Above is his new song/intro to his new album dropping in June(?). Dope check it. It's honest and real. The music i look up to.
I tip my hat to you drake, hopefully i'll see you on top.
A Jam You've Never Seen Before
Today's entry will be, probably, the most intense entry to date because I don't think I've ever felt like this before.
Today will be a brutally honest confession. Something that needs to be said, heard, and sulked in to the point I wanna die. I'm not gunna commit suicide. I'm done with thoughts like that. But I do feel like death and here's why...
My heart is in pain. My body is drained. And I just wanna close my eyes and wake up in hopes that this was all a sick dream. I wanna wake up and be 17 again and try life over.
This is what true love does to you.
No wonder in ancient greeks love was considered negative. Love is every word possible. Amazing to extremely fucked up. So fuck love in the name of love. That said...
I'd like to respond to the PERSON IN THE CHATBOX that asked me... Who am I writing these love things about. In all honesty and obviousness...
I am in love. Deeply in love. Insanely in love. And right now I'm crying, crying in love. Crying because of love. All I feel is tears. That's all I can taste. The pain inside of me. It's like twilight exaggerated but it's so true. So true. As I look in the mirror and watch my nose drip and clog and my eyes turn red, all I can say is why?
Why me? Why her? Why am I in love with her? As much as I tell everybody I have surpressed emotions everyday, just as we all do. I have emotions that hurt from my father, from my mother, grandparents. And one thing her, this womann and I have in common, is abandonment. But never in million years did I think she would abadon me.
Fuck the reason. Fuck everything. Never did I think she would leave for the life I decided to give up when I turned 18.
Our relationship wasn't and definitely isn't perferct now. But I wanted it to get as close as possible. It was really amazing that we were brougt together in the first place but I think now more than ever, I really wish we weren't. Like I would give my own life for this woman and I thought she would do the same for me. Instead...she wanted us to grow. Matter fact she wanted to grow...and find someone who wasn't so much younger than her. Someone who was better than me. Someone she could love, settle down, and have kids with one day.
When ur in your mid 20's approaching thirty, thoughts like that will get to you.
I consoled and gave everything I could to this woman. Before I met I was even more naïve and hopeful than I am now and I think my innonence and perspective drew her in. We didn't need to talk all the time but we did need to talk, talk for quality time. I remember it all. And I was recall I just lay on this bed and cry, cry my motherfucking eyes out. I can't see the screen so I'm sorry for typos. But that's all I can do. Cause this situation is soooooo fucked up. So fucked up.
I found a way to sacrafice so much for her and she did the samefor me until she wasn't ready to sacrafice anymore. This is when she met... My replacement.
I don't care if she says she wants me now. She left me. SHE LEFT ME. Just like everybody else did. Cause I wasn't good enough. I wasn't a good enough friend, wasn't a good enough lover, wasn't a good enough boyfriend and son.
What more do people want from me. What more can I do. I give my life to these people. I do good for them and to them and all they do is try and find soemthing better.
I know this part will be random but I want to protect everyone of my siblings from this. I'm already ruined and fucked but them...there's still hope. You know my sister ashley is so smart and beautiful. She is so neat and loving and giving. She's always meant the world to me even if I treated her like shit cause I was the older brother. Victoria. I see myself in her but I need her to be better than me. I need my sister's to find what they love to do and make their dreams come true. I need that for them. And I know you won't be reading thi but I love you guys sooo much and whatever you're going through. I been there. I've seen it. And I just want you guys to be careful and know I'm your big brother, always will be and always have been. I'll never leave ur side like all of these other people. Never. I want us to be like three musketeers. I want us to make it. We deserve that.
Anyway, back to being in love. It's the hardest thing in the world. It makes me crazy and makes me wanna die. I'm in love with an older woman. I'm in love with someone who has deeply scarred me. Someone who is a liar. Someone who is hurt too but she had no right to hurt me and string me along in her sick puppet game. Not me. At my age, I swear I've done for her, what people my father's age couldn't.
Learning to pay bills, stocks, 401k's, living alone, moving, children, and etc are stuff that I WILL learn but you can't teach ambition, compassion, and love. And that's what I gave her. The little things. Everything I thought every girl wanted. Compliments. Hugs. Kisses. A shoulder. An ear. Flowers randomly. Someone to wake up next to. A doll. A massage. A non-judgemental mind. Someone who had goals and dreams. Someone who loved to learn. Someone who was horny and would find a way to fuck you right.
I'm not rich by any means but I am rich with knowledge and love and being naïve. That will eventually be downfall and today is my downfall. My truths. My vulnerability. My trust. My hope. All broken, shattered, forgeotten, and abused.
I'm not perfect and like people say no one is but I try my hardest. I swear to god on that. I swear I try to learn how to be the best person I can be. Hopefully when I die or when people speak of me now, that's the case because that's my goal. But people take advantage of that and there's the story.
The woman I love makes out with a man and sees me after. The guy she "claims" to love. The guy she said she WANTED to end up with but knew and found every answer in the book why we WOULDN'T be together. That's why she tried to "move on" but she's back...and for what, to take the broken pieces of my heart and shatter them in even smaller pieces. What does she want?
And why me? Why me! I keep asking why the fuck does it have to be me.
And I'll never get an answer. I've basically watched blindfoldedly the woman I love share and do and experience things with a guy, who knows about me but I don't know about him. A guy who has become my replacement regardless of what she says. She has done stuff with him, that she could never do with him and I am helpess/powerless to it ALL.
I just have love, desire, and pain. Pain is my best friend. Since I was ten. Pain has fueled me, in a positive way to everything.
I have loved this woman for 4 years of my life. 1/5 of the years I've been living on earth. Which is a pretty amazing feat in itself, especially knowing she was sucking, fucking and sleeping next to this "guy." This guy who is indeed better than me. Sleeping with him while my picture was on the wall. While the painting and the doll I gave her was in the room. While the shit I use to fix...was there too.
I keep telling her that I will never step foot into that place again. Ironically I can picture everything in the room/house. I can see it. Every moment I spent in it. Every second. I remember that and it was all wasted because I was never good enough.
She wanted more. She wanted him. And he has accomplished way more than what I've done. He is the epitome of better. Epitome, a word I took from her.
I just wanna wake up tomorrow healed. I can't believe all of this. All of this pain. All of this deciet. I don't wanna go anyway with her. I love her. I love her sooo much but I see why "love" isn't always good enough.
I may be talking in circles but everything is true. She told me. Everything they did, how they met...everything...I guess.
Once a liar/cheater, always a lying cheater?
I like to believe that's wrong. I see the good but with the way she hurt me can that ever be true. Honestly. Can it?
She left me once...who says it won't happen twice. Who says she love me until she 81.
My eyes are hurting from the crying. I have to go but I was ditched and humiliated. A puppet in this sick love play. She wanted me around while she fucked and introduced this guy to her friends, family, and they all loved him...she didn't "love him" but treated him that way.
It's so hard to do this but I'm falling asleep which is gunna be hard to contiously do. So till tomorrow because I will probably never get over this. The separation was necessary...but this is just too fucked up and dramatic. He was her everything and I was just another pawn in this sick chess game...
Night.
Today will be a brutally honest confession. Something that needs to be said, heard, and sulked in to the point I wanna die. I'm not gunna commit suicide. I'm done with thoughts like that. But I do feel like death and here's why...
My heart is in pain. My body is drained. And I just wanna close my eyes and wake up in hopes that this was all a sick dream. I wanna wake up and be 17 again and try life over.
This is what true love does to you.
No wonder in ancient greeks love was considered negative. Love is every word possible. Amazing to extremely fucked up. So fuck love in the name of love. That said...
I'd like to respond to the PERSON IN THE CHATBOX that asked me... Who am I writing these love things about. In all honesty and obviousness...
I am in love. Deeply in love. Insanely in love. And right now I'm crying, crying in love. Crying because of love. All I feel is tears. That's all I can taste. The pain inside of me. It's like twilight exaggerated but it's so true. So true. As I look in the mirror and watch my nose drip and clog and my eyes turn red, all I can say is why?
Why me? Why her? Why am I in love with her? As much as I tell everybody I have surpressed emotions everyday, just as we all do. I have emotions that hurt from my father, from my mother, grandparents. And one thing her, this womann and I have in common, is abandonment. But never in million years did I think she would abadon me.
Fuck the reason. Fuck everything. Never did I think she would leave for the life I decided to give up when I turned 18.
Our relationship wasn't and definitely isn't perferct now. But I wanted it to get as close as possible. It was really amazing that we were brougt together in the first place but I think now more than ever, I really wish we weren't. Like I would give my own life for this woman and I thought she would do the same for me. Instead...she wanted us to grow. Matter fact she wanted to grow...and find someone who wasn't so much younger than her. Someone who was better than me. Someone she could love, settle down, and have kids with one day.
When ur in your mid 20's approaching thirty, thoughts like that will get to you.
I consoled and gave everything I could to this woman. Before I met I was even more naïve and hopeful than I am now and I think my innonence and perspective drew her in. We didn't need to talk all the time but we did need to talk, talk for quality time. I remember it all. And I was recall I just lay on this bed and cry, cry my motherfucking eyes out. I can't see the screen so I'm sorry for typos. But that's all I can do. Cause this situation is soooooo fucked up. So fucked up.
I found a way to sacrafice so much for her and she did the samefor me until she wasn't ready to sacrafice anymore. This is when she met... My replacement.
I don't care if she says she wants me now. She left me. SHE LEFT ME. Just like everybody else did. Cause I wasn't good enough. I wasn't a good enough friend, wasn't a good enough lover, wasn't a good enough boyfriend and son.
What more do people want from me. What more can I do. I give my life to these people. I do good for them and to them and all they do is try and find soemthing better.
I know this part will be random but I want to protect everyone of my siblings from this. I'm already ruined and fucked but them...there's still hope. You know my sister ashley is so smart and beautiful. She is so neat and loving and giving. She's always meant the world to me even if I treated her like shit cause I was the older brother. Victoria. I see myself in her but I need her to be better than me. I need my sister's to find what they love to do and make their dreams come true. I need that for them. And I know you won't be reading thi but I love you guys sooo much and whatever you're going through. I been there. I've seen it. And I just want you guys to be careful and know I'm your big brother, always will be and always have been. I'll never leave ur side like all of these other people. Never. I want us to be like three musketeers. I want us to make it. We deserve that.
Anyway, back to being in love. It's the hardest thing in the world. It makes me crazy and makes me wanna die. I'm in love with an older woman. I'm in love with someone who has deeply scarred me. Someone who is a liar. Someone who is hurt too but she had no right to hurt me and string me along in her sick puppet game. Not me. At my age, I swear I've done for her, what people my father's age couldn't.
Learning to pay bills, stocks, 401k's, living alone, moving, children, and etc are stuff that I WILL learn but you can't teach ambition, compassion, and love. And that's what I gave her. The little things. Everything I thought every girl wanted. Compliments. Hugs. Kisses. A shoulder. An ear. Flowers randomly. Someone to wake up next to. A doll. A massage. A non-judgemental mind. Someone who had goals and dreams. Someone who loved to learn. Someone who was horny and would find a way to fuck you right.
I'm not rich by any means but I am rich with knowledge and love and being naïve. That will eventually be downfall and today is my downfall. My truths. My vulnerability. My trust. My hope. All broken, shattered, forgeotten, and abused.
I'm not perfect and like people say no one is but I try my hardest. I swear to god on that. I swear I try to learn how to be the best person I can be. Hopefully when I die or when people speak of me now, that's the case because that's my goal. But people take advantage of that and there's the story.
The woman I love makes out with a man and sees me after. The guy she "claims" to love. The guy she said she WANTED to end up with but knew and found every answer in the book why we WOULDN'T be together. That's why she tried to "move on" but she's back...and for what, to take the broken pieces of my heart and shatter them in even smaller pieces. What does she want?
And why me? Why me! I keep asking why the fuck does it have to be me.
And I'll never get an answer. I've basically watched blindfoldedly the woman I love share and do and experience things with a guy, who knows about me but I don't know about him. A guy who has become my replacement regardless of what she says. She has done stuff with him, that she could never do with him and I am helpess/powerless to it ALL.
I just have love, desire, and pain. Pain is my best friend. Since I was ten. Pain has fueled me, in a positive way to everything.
I have loved this woman for 4 years of my life. 1/5 of the years I've been living on earth. Which is a pretty amazing feat in itself, especially knowing she was sucking, fucking and sleeping next to this "guy." This guy who is indeed better than me. Sleeping with him while my picture was on the wall. While the painting and the doll I gave her was in the room. While the shit I use to fix...was there too.
I keep telling her that I will never step foot into that place again. Ironically I can picture everything in the room/house. I can see it. Every moment I spent in it. Every second. I remember that and it was all wasted because I was never good enough.
She wanted more. She wanted him. And he has accomplished way more than what I've done. He is the epitome of better. Epitome, a word I took from her.
I just wanna wake up tomorrow healed. I can't believe all of this. All of this pain. All of this deciet. I don't wanna go anyway with her. I love her. I love her sooo much but I see why "love" isn't always good enough.
I may be talking in circles but everything is true. She told me. Everything they did, how they met...everything...I guess.
Once a liar/cheater, always a lying cheater?
I like to believe that's wrong. I see the good but with the way she hurt me can that ever be true. Honestly. Can it?
She left me once...who says it won't happen twice. Who says she love me until she 81.
My eyes are hurting from the crying. I have to go but I was ditched and humiliated. A puppet in this sick love play. She wanted me around while she fucked and introduced this guy to her friends, family, and they all loved him...she didn't "love him" but treated him that way.
It's so hard to do this but I'm falling asleep which is gunna be hard to contiously do. So till tomorrow because I will probably never get over this. The separation was necessary...but this is just too fucked up and dramatic. He was her everything and I was just another pawn in this sick chess game...
Night.
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Last Day of March/Death
"If you could have beyonce would you take solange?" -Fabolous
I just wanted to put that bar up cause that shit is kinda dope and true. Not to take away anything from solange who is talented in her own way but damn...it's beyonce.
Anyway, today is the last day in march so I decided that I'm actually going to try and blog more...crazy, huh? I know. But today is finally a decent day. Like no rain. Very cloudy but I'm glad that it's nice. Like I previously stated I have a concert today which I'm hoping will be dope and extremely inspiring. I've been in my "zone" as of recently and am more determined than ever to kill everything and everything I do. Fuck what ya heard...ya heard!
Today started off pretty weird...slept bý myself for the first time since I was 18 years old but it was nice, a bit lonely. Ít was cool though. I woke up to a really good conversation early in the morning for 16minutes and like 14 seconds. It really made my day. Everytime I hear the voice...I just feel some sort of soothing. It's quite amazing. I been fantasizing a lot...but we won't get into that.
Anyway, from there I did my new workout and everytime I feel my chest getting shaped into muscle, it inspires me. I don't know if I'll ever be skinny or have a six pack BUT I do know that I can get muscular and stronger for basketball because I'm finding a way to fucking play next year...fuck all that bullshit. Seriously. Everything is mental and right now I'm mentally so on top of my shit.
That's why I wasn't phased when I had to wait about 30minutes at best buy when they couldn't take care of my transaction of two cds...because the computer froze. I'm not gunna sweat it tho.
Here comes my next dilemma though...my ex-best friend who I'm 99percent sure did not wish me a happy birthday (yet his gf did) and I texted him on his birthday is broke. He wants to come to the concert with me and my friend johnny and I have the money to give it to him but should I...I mean I have no job. This is the money I'm living off of right now. Also would he do that for me? That's what I wonder the most. Would he give me 20bucks if he had for an unforgettable night. A part of me says yes, the other part not so much. So I'm probably not gunna do it although the nice person in me wants to.
Dilemmas.
The last thing I wanted to touch upon was "death." This girl I went to highschool with, who I was never really close to or anything her brother died...who I apparently went to middle school with. It's crazy. A car accident, I believe. For the people who know me and have read my blog before, me and death aren't exactly friends. We don't really know eachother. I still feel sad but I'm more scared. It's kind of selfish because I don't wanna know what losing someone like that feels like. Ever. But I will. I hope it isn't ever sudden like that and I wanna wish the best to jackie and her family. That's all I can say, best wishes, prayers, and I hope that they will overcome and live life...
Later.
I just wanted to put that bar up cause that shit is kinda dope and true. Not to take away anything from solange who is talented in her own way but damn...it's beyonce.
Anyway, today is the last day in march so I decided that I'm actually going to try and blog more...crazy, huh? I know. But today is finally a decent day. Like no rain. Very cloudy but I'm glad that it's nice. Like I previously stated I have a concert today which I'm hoping will be dope and extremely inspiring. I've been in my "zone" as of recently and am more determined than ever to kill everything and everything I do. Fuck what ya heard...ya heard!
Today started off pretty weird...slept bý myself for the first time since I was 18 years old but it was nice, a bit lonely. Ít was cool though. I woke up to a really good conversation early in the morning for 16minutes and like 14 seconds. It really made my day. Everytime I hear the voice...I just feel some sort of soothing. It's quite amazing. I been fantasizing a lot...but we won't get into that.
Anyway, from there I did my new workout and everytime I feel my chest getting shaped into muscle, it inspires me. I don't know if I'll ever be skinny or have a six pack BUT I do know that I can get muscular and stronger for basketball because I'm finding a way to fucking play next year...fuck all that bullshit. Seriously. Everything is mental and right now I'm mentally so on top of my shit.
That's why I wasn't phased when I had to wait about 30minutes at best buy when they couldn't take care of my transaction of two cds...because the computer froze. I'm not gunna sweat it tho.
Here comes my next dilemma though...my ex-best friend who I'm 99percent sure did not wish me a happy birthday (yet his gf did) and I texted him on his birthday is broke. He wants to come to the concert with me and my friend johnny and I have the money to give it to him but should I...I mean I have no job. This is the money I'm living off of right now. Also would he do that for me? That's what I wonder the most. Would he give me 20bucks if he had for an unforgettable night. A part of me says yes, the other part not so much. So I'm probably not gunna do it although the nice person in me wants to.
Dilemmas.
The last thing I wanted to touch upon was "death." This girl I went to highschool with, who I was never really close to or anything her brother died...who I apparently went to middle school with. It's crazy. A car accident, I believe. For the people who know me and have read my blog before, me and death aren't exactly friends. We don't really know eachother. I still feel sad but I'm more scared. It's kind of selfish because I don't wanna know what losing someone like that feels like. Ever. But I will. I hope it isn't ever sudden like that and I wanna wish the best to jackie and her family. That's all I can say, best wishes, prayers, and I hope that they will overcome and live life...
Later.
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Spring Break
Wake up...download music...brush teeth...pushups...crunches...more ab workouts...pushups...shower...eat.
That's what it's been last couple days. I been writing music. I got a performance on saturday in my neighborhood. It's just an open mic but it should be a dope gathering. Make sure I get fucked up after my performance. Anyway, I haven't done shit. The rain is kinda depressing but I love rain still. I wish I was spending those rainy nights with someone but I can't. So chilling with my sister and my family is gunna be good enough for now.
Right now I'm in the "Lefreak" studio, hopefully about to do some work. I need to. Like real bad before my head explodes. Also the fact I have no job and my money keeps declining is defnitely NOT good. So I'm gunna go to my school this week and hand in an application. I feel like because I work at school everything will be real flexiable, so fuck it if I have to take the train home late, ya know. I've done it TONS of time before. 7.50 is not bad although I should apply to century 21 and see what they say...right? Fuck it.
Ironically an ex-teammate of mine works there. Someone who didn't like me for his own selfish reasons but that was 2 years ago, ya know? Fuck a grudge. I have none. I'm 2 championship rings in, 2 years on the bench in so whatever.
I'm really proud of myself for getting focused with music, school, and basketball/working out. Should be an interesting rest of the year and I HOPE I have "YOUR" support. You know who you are, who I'm talking to...so it's cool.
Time to get to work. #2010
Love yall
P.S. Cop that new usher cd today along with the Meth, Rae, and Ghost cd!
That's what it's been last couple days. I been writing music. I got a performance on saturday in my neighborhood. It's just an open mic but it should be a dope gathering. Make sure I get fucked up after my performance. Anyway, I haven't done shit. The rain is kinda depressing but I love rain still. I wish I was spending those rainy nights with someone but I can't. So chilling with my sister and my family is gunna be good enough for now.
Right now I'm in the "Lefreak" studio, hopefully about to do some work. I need to. Like real bad before my head explodes. Also the fact I have no job and my money keeps declining is defnitely NOT good. So I'm gunna go to my school this week and hand in an application. I feel like because I work at school everything will be real flexiable, so fuck it if I have to take the train home late, ya know. I've done it TONS of time before. 7.50 is not bad although I should apply to century 21 and see what they say...right? Fuck it.
Ironically an ex-teammate of mine works there. Someone who didn't like me for his own selfish reasons but that was 2 years ago, ya know? Fuck a grudge. I have none. I'm 2 championship rings in, 2 years on the bench in so whatever.
I'm really proud of myself for getting focused with music, school, and basketball/working out. Should be an interesting rest of the year and I HOPE I have "YOUR" support. You know who you are, who I'm talking to...so it's cool.
Time to get to work. #2010
Love yall
P.S. Cop that new usher cd today along with the Meth, Rae, and Ghost cd!
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Is It Impossible...
This is an old entry i had to end up finishing.
IS IT IMPOSSIBLE...
to achieve your dreams?
I'm reading all of these magazines, how guys barely older than me are blowing up and i'm really wondering can i achieve my dreams. It's a very difficult question and concept. Like i know accomplishing your dreams is possible, it's been done, but reading about people that have "made it" while sitting in a t-shirt, eating cereal, in college point, at 20years old...i can only imagine. People talk about realism. Realistic goals and for the most part i've always had that. I've always also stretched beyond that. Maybe what i accomplished though wasn't a lot, or enough, or BIG in the grand scheme of things. I mean i feel like i done something. I can make a list and go on. But do i compare myself? i can compare myself to the people i know but then i can compare myself to people who have achieved more at my age and a little older.
In lets say 2 years...can i be on stage rocking at XXL like some of the artists i'm going to see in a couple days, the same artists i'm reading about. The same people i've always admired. I mean i been doing music since i was like real young and now i'm in my 20's...like HOLY SHIT. A lot of people give up around these days. They have kids, accidently or not, they finish college, do a lot of shit. THe crazy part is that it's the MUSIC INDUSTRY.
I feel like i was born to do something special. I know i HAVE potiential. But a lot of people do and a lot of people are "rappers" and i KNOW a lot of people feel the same way i do. How am i going to make this happen...i'm more focused than ever to find out how but i don't know what else to do. I just gotta push and hopefully i'll find the connects, gain some people. I have to be optimistic and KNOW i'm going to make it.
For everytime i slept on a couch bed, for everytime i washed dishes after playoff basketball games until 12, to get 6hrs of sleep, to go school. For everytime i missed my mother and she was in Florida. When i was kicked out of my friend's house. For every single struggle i've seen people, my family, my friends, my loved ones been through... i do this for myself first but them next.
I just wanted to end it on some dope shit...individualism...check the video below.
P.S.
IS IT IMPOSSIBLE...
to achieve your dreams?
I'm reading all of these magazines, how guys barely older than me are blowing up and i'm really wondering can i achieve my dreams. It's a very difficult question and concept. Like i know accomplishing your dreams is possible, it's been done, but reading about people that have "made it" while sitting in a t-shirt, eating cereal, in college point, at 20years old...i can only imagine. People talk about realism. Realistic goals and for the most part i've always had that. I've always also stretched beyond that. Maybe what i accomplished though wasn't a lot, or enough, or BIG in the grand scheme of things. I mean i feel like i done something. I can make a list and go on. But do i compare myself? i can compare myself to the people i know but then i can compare myself to people who have achieved more at my age and a little older.
In lets say 2 years...can i be on stage rocking at XXL like some of the artists i'm going to see in a couple days, the same artists i'm reading about. The same people i've always admired. I mean i been doing music since i was like real young and now i'm in my 20's...like HOLY SHIT. A lot of people give up around these days. They have kids, accidently or not, they finish college, do a lot of shit. THe crazy part is that it's the MUSIC INDUSTRY.
I feel like i was born to do something special. I know i HAVE potiential. But a lot of people do and a lot of people are "rappers" and i KNOW a lot of people feel the same way i do. How am i going to make this happen...i'm more focused than ever to find out how but i don't know what else to do. I just gotta push and hopefully i'll find the connects, gain some people. I have to be optimistic and KNOW i'm going to make it.
For everytime i slept on a couch bed, for everytime i washed dishes after playoff basketball games until 12, to get 6hrs of sleep, to go school. For everytime i missed my mother and she was in Florida. When i was kicked out of my friend's house. For every single struggle i've seen people, my family, my friends, my loved ones been through... i do this for myself first but them next.
I just wanted to end it on some dope shit...individualism...check the video below.
P.S.
Thursday, March 25, 2010
March 23, 2010
So on March 23, 1990 i was born around 3am and on march 23, 2010...i offically began the twenties. Interesting thoughts swirled around in my head. Just another level of manhood and maturity i have to grow in-to and absorb. It's a little exciting and a little dull but crazy and an accomplishment none the less. This day represented A LOT of things for me, mainly a fresh start at my goals. A new decade. And the ending of a cycle that i was destined to break. I have to thank god, luck, my intelligence and EVERY SINGLE person, good or bad, who had an influence on me. This year marks the beginning of something special.
Also want to shout out Angelica Berry, whose birthday was 2 days before mine.
And Jasmine Campbell who's birthday was the day after mine.
Below, is a backstage look at the show i missed on my birthday. A show i really, really, wanted to go to. I'm a nerd when it comes to hip-hop, i must admit, and this would've been a nice start to my twenties but i'm sure they will be other opportunities and one day i'll be the one performing and some aspiring artist will want to see me and be upset they didn't get to go.
Also want to shout out Angelica Berry, whose birthday was 2 days before mine.
And Jasmine Campbell who's birthday was the day after mine.
Below, is a backstage look at the show i missed on my birthday. A show i really, really, wanted to go to. I'm a nerd when it comes to hip-hop, i must admit, and this would've been a nice start to my twenties but i'm sure they will be other opportunities and one day i'll be the one performing and some aspiring artist will want to see me and be upset they didn't get to go.
NEAKO ft. Shawn Chrystopher & Stalley (Live at SOBs 3.23.10) from Good*Fella Radio on Vimeo.This is Shawn Chrystopher's new mixtape which dropped on my birthday as well. Production by Woody on the 2nd track, who i hope to work with one day. 
(Link from Shawn's site)http://honourrolestudent.com/The_Audition_EP.zip
(The Reason, last track on the mixtape)http://www.mediafire.com/?moz0omjzoy5
Also the video for "The Reason" can be found on youtube.
"Cause eventhrough my flaws, my love was always perfect"
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Mood Ring: Ressurrection
Hey yall, i'm still alive and well... i think. BUT i feel the need to at least continue sharing music that touches my heart, mind, and soul. So check this out...
FYI: New layout coming soon
"No matter how hard, the times may seem,
don't give up our plans, don't give up our dreams,
no broken bridges, could tare us down
Cause what we're searching for, will be found"
FYI: New layout coming soon
"No matter how hard, the times may seem,
don't give up our plans, don't give up our dreams,
no broken bridges, could tare us down
Cause what we're searching for, will be found"
Monday, March 15, 2010
A Blogger's Digest
Let me just say my birthday is approaching fast. 8days to be exact. I haven't really been avoiding blogging but I just haven't really wanted to express much at least openly.
I've been dealing with a lot of emotions and I also feel snagged or slighted in a way. Sometimes I feel selfish about things. For example, music. Just some songs I wish I was the only one to hear and was the only one privaleged enough to share it. Anyway, life's been moving. I still have many of my bad habits that I'm really trying to break. I've done better with being late but obstacles really love fucking with my progress. My organization, timely matter in which i do things. I don't know. I've been doing a lot of half ass work and even when i feel i did a good job, i feel like it's not anywhere close to my best work. Everytime i get a new class and a previously unknown professor i would like to make an impression, a really good impression, especially when it comes to writing.
Writing is my life.
Cliche?
Sure.
BUT...
true.
Cliche's are cliche's because many people have abused the phrase but that doesn't make the phrase untrue. Understand? If not, it's alright. I'm complicated like a woman. lol. So many emotions it's crazy. My mom is coming in town saturday morning. I'm kind of excited about that but i don't know i feel immune to the world sometimes. I'm ready for (ready?) almost anything that comes my way. I'm going to find a way to make things happen. Good things. For you, for me, for my family, for my loves, for my friends (friends?). Shit gets crazy. Intense. I usually depend on my blog and my music for negative/positive (negative more) expression but recently i have just been able to do it on my own...
does that mean i'm doing better? i don't know. It might just mean i'm more guarded, prepared, confident. But a lot of things hold me back. Rejection mainly. Rejection is a funny thing tho. I know what it feels like and maybe i should be a little more sympathetic towards it. When someone tells you they'll be waiting for you, something hard to believe but definitely possible. I've done it... doesn't mean i don't love them. I realize lust and needs sometimes go in front of love. I learned that a LONG time ago. It's crazy. Anyway, i'll just end it now. Things have been wild.
I forgot to mention my Brooklyn College sophmore season is officially over but we repeated and went to the NCAA tournament again. Next year hopefully we can exceed expectations. Especially myself. I've been sick recently although i have been working out again. Guess we'll see what happens. An entry on this will be posted soon.
Later
I've been dealing with a lot of emotions and I also feel snagged or slighted in a way. Sometimes I feel selfish about things. For example, music. Just some songs I wish I was the only one to hear and was the only one privaleged enough to share it. Anyway, life's been moving. I still have many of my bad habits that I'm really trying to break. I've done better with being late but obstacles really love fucking with my progress. My organization, timely matter in which i do things. I don't know. I've been doing a lot of half ass work and even when i feel i did a good job, i feel like it's not anywhere close to my best work. Everytime i get a new class and a previously unknown professor i would like to make an impression, a really good impression, especially when it comes to writing.
Writing is my life.
Cliche?
Sure.
BUT...
true.
Cliche's are cliche's because many people have abused the phrase but that doesn't make the phrase untrue. Understand? If not, it's alright. I'm complicated like a woman. lol. So many emotions it's crazy. My mom is coming in town saturday morning. I'm kind of excited about that but i don't know i feel immune to the world sometimes. I'm ready for (ready?) almost anything that comes my way. I'm going to find a way to make things happen. Good things. For you, for me, for my family, for my loves, for my friends (friends?). Shit gets crazy. Intense. I usually depend on my blog and my music for negative/positive (negative more) expression but recently i have just been able to do it on my own...
does that mean i'm doing better? i don't know. It might just mean i'm more guarded, prepared, confident. But a lot of things hold me back. Rejection mainly. Rejection is a funny thing tho. I know what it feels like and maybe i should be a little more sympathetic towards it. When someone tells you they'll be waiting for you, something hard to believe but definitely possible. I've done it... doesn't mean i don't love them. I realize lust and needs sometimes go in front of love. I learned that a LONG time ago. It's crazy. Anyway, i'll just end it now. Things have been wild.
I forgot to mention my Brooklyn College sophmore season is officially over but we repeated and went to the NCAA tournament again. Next year hopefully we can exceed expectations. Especially myself. I've been sick recently although i have been working out again. Guess we'll see what happens. An entry on this will be posted soon.
Later
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
This Is For You...Even If You Hate Me
Yupppp (Trey Songz Voice)
"there's no much nonsense
it's on my conscience
i'm thinking baby i should get it out
and i don't wanna sound redundant
but i was wondering if there was something that you wanna know
(that you wanna know)
but never mind that we should let it go (we should let it go)
cos we don't wanna be a t.v episode (t.v episode)
and all the bad thoughts just let them go (go, go,"
And my personal favorite:
"hands down there will never be another one
i been around and i never seen another one
look at your style they ain't really got nothing on
and you out and you ain't got nothing on
baby you the whole package plus you pay your taxes
and you keep it real while them other stay plastic
you're my wonder women call me mr. fantastic
stop.. now think about it"
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Why is it?
That the one you love is also the one you hate?
And even your happiest moments come with pain?
Honestly I know this month will be an unforgettable month but in a way I know I'd want to forget it. Shit is crazy. My team won their 2nd CUNY chip in as many years and I never really got a chance to celebrate. It also makes me feel shitty because I don't have a real part in it but I guess that's just how the ball rolls.
But honestly its always an obstacle over another one. That's just what life is. Last time I wrote about emotions well now I'm wriitng about circumstances. I really don't have much to say though besides the obvious. No reason to let other people ruin moments that may only come around once and that you may remember for your whole life.
That's always kind of been the case with me. I sacraficed and also unwillingly have not fully enjoyed some of the pleasures in life. Even now I get harrassed and attacked.
I feel as if I am one of the most genuine nice people, if you really get to KNOW ME. I do wrongs like everybody else but I try not to bring any added drama to myself. I knoe drama and all too well and I need to avoid him as much as possible.
Ever since highschool I never really invisioned a future. Thinking about the future use to drive me crazy. Thinking about this thing and that thing. Now I focus on the NOW, focus on the near future but not what my life will be like. I have learned to neglect that once bothersome thought because I don't know what happens. No matter what someone says to you or whatever, everyday changes and I and we have to be ready for that.
One thing I don't like is an invasion of privacy. I don't have much to hide except maybe one or two big secrets but besides that I let my life be known and if I ever took the time to realese my music, you'll realize I'm not scared to show who I really am...when I write. But still checking my status, looking on my page, making up lies or excuses, checking my email is really unacceptable. I am a victim and a culpret of that. When you love and lose trust and have been hurt that's what you do. You become a person you don't want to be and I'm so glad I'm not him anymore.
Last thing...decisions...
Our decisions are hard to do, explain and understand. We have emotions that fuck with us, people that fuck with us, and sometimes we just lose it. Literally we lose it. I try to be rational and I try to be calm and very understanding but people take advantage of that and I don't want anyone thinking they can do that. No one.
So I think this entry is done. It's structureless like life. Unpredictable. Confusing. Edgy. But it's what I'm dealing with.
Decisions...
And even your happiest moments come with pain?
Honestly I know this month will be an unforgettable month but in a way I know I'd want to forget it. Shit is crazy. My team won their 2nd CUNY chip in as many years and I never really got a chance to celebrate. It also makes me feel shitty because I don't have a real part in it but I guess that's just how the ball rolls.
But honestly its always an obstacle over another one. That's just what life is. Last time I wrote about emotions well now I'm wriitng about circumstances. I really don't have much to say though besides the obvious. No reason to let other people ruin moments that may only come around once and that you may remember for your whole life.
That's always kind of been the case with me. I sacraficed and also unwillingly have not fully enjoyed some of the pleasures in life. Even now I get harrassed and attacked.
I feel as if I am one of the most genuine nice people, if you really get to KNOW ME. I do wrongs like everybody else but I try not to bring any added drama to myself. I knoe drama and all too well and I need to avoid him as much as possible.
Ever since highschool I never really invisioned a future. Thinking about the future use to drive me crazy. Thinking about this thing and that thing. Now I focus on the NOW, focus on the near future but not what my life will be like. I have learned to neglect that once bothersome thought because I don't know what happens. No matter what someone says to you or whatever, everyday changes and I and we have to be ready for that.
One thing I don't like is an invasion of privacy. I don't have much to hide except maybe one or two big secrets but besides that I let my life be known and if I ever took the time to realese my music, you'll realize I'm not scared to show who I really am...when I write. But still checking my status, looking on my page, making up lies or excuses, checking my email is really unacceptable. I am a victim and a culpret of that. When you love and lose trust and have been hurt that's what you do. You become a person you don't want to be and I'm so glad I'm not him anymore.
Last thing...decisions...
Our decisions are hard to do, explain and understand. We have emotions that fuck with us, people that fuck with us, and sometimes we just lose it. Literally we lose it. I try to be rational and I try to be calm and very understanding but people take advantage of that and I don't want anyone thinking they can do that. No one.
So I think this entry is done. It's structureless like life. Unpredictable. Confusing. Edgy. But it's what I'm dealing with.
Decisions...
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