Why is it?

That the one you love is also the one you hate?
And even your happiest moments come with pain?

Honestly I know this month will be an unforgettable month but in a way I know I'd want to forget it. Shit is crazy. My team won their 2nd CUNY chip in as many years and I never really got a chance to celebrate. It also makes me feel shitty because I don't have a real part in it but I guess that's just how the ball rolls.

But honestly its always an obstacle over another one. That's just what life is. Last time I wrote about emotions well now I'm wriitng about circumstances. I really don't have much to say though besides the obvious. No reason to let other people ruin moments that may only come around once and that you may remember for your whole life.

That's always kind of been the case with me. I sacraficed and also unwillingly have not fully enjoyed some of the pleasures in life. Even now I get harrassed and attacked.

I feel as if I am one of the most genuine nice people, if you really get to KNOW ME. I do wrongs like everybody else but I try not to bring any added drama to myself. I knoe drama and all too well and I need to avoid him as much as possible.

Ever since highschool I never really invisioned a future. Thinking about the future use to drive me crazy. Thinking about this thing and that thing. Now I focus on the NOW, focus on the near future but not what my life will be like. I have learned to neglect that once bothersome thought because I don't know what happens. No matter what someone says to you or whatever, everyday changes and I and we have to be ready for that.

One thing I don't like is an invasion of privacy. I don't have much to hide except maybe one or two big secrets but besides that I let my life be known and if I ever took the time to realese my music, you'll realize I'm not scared to show who I really am...when I write. But still checking my status, looking on my page, making up lies or excuses, checking my email is really unacceptable. I am a victim and a culpret of that. When you love and lose trust and have been hurt that's what you do. You become a person you don't want to be and I'm so glad I'm not him anymore.

Last thing...decisions...

Our decisions are hard to do, explain and understand. We have emotions that fuck with us, people that fuck with us, and sometimes we just lose it. Literally we lose it. I try to be rational and I try to be calm and very understanding but people take advantage of that and I don't want anyone thinking they can do that. No one.

So I think this entry is done. It's structureless like life. Unpredictable. Confusing. Edgy. But it's what I'm dealing with.

Decisions...