A Jam You've Never Seen Before

Today's entry will be, probably, the most intense entry to date because I don't think I've ever felt like this before.
Today will be a brutally honest confession. Something that needs to be said, heard, and sulked in to the point I wanna die. I'm not gunna commit suicide. I'm done with thoughts like that. But I do feel like death and here's why...

My heart is in pain. My body is drained. And I just wanna close my eyes and wake up in hopes that this was all a sick dream. I wanna wake up and be 17 again and try life over.

This is what true love does to you.

No wonder in ancient greeks love was considered negative. Love is every word possible. Amazing to extremely fucked up. So fuck love in the name of love. That said...

I'd like to respond to the PERSON IN THE CHATBOX that asked me... Who am I writing these love things about. In all honesty and obviousness...

I am in love. Deeply in love. Insanely in love. And right now I'm crying, crying in love. Crying because of love. All I feel is tears. That's all I can taste. The pain inside of me. It's like twilight exaggerated but it's so true. So true. As I look in the mirror and watch my nose drip and clog and my eyes turn red, all I can say is why?

Why me? Why her? Why am I in love with her? As much as I tell everybody I have surpressed emotions everyday, just as we all do. I have emotions that hurt from my father, from my mother, grandparents. And one thing her, this womann and I have in common, is abandonment. But never in million years did I think she would abadon me.

Fuck the reason. Fuck everything. Never did I think she would leave for the life I decided to give up when I turned 18.

Our relationship wasn't and definitely isn't perferct now. But I wanted it to get as close as possible. It was really amazing that we were brougt together in the first place but I think now more than ever, I really wish we weren't. Like I would give my own life for this woman and I thought she would do the same for me. Instead...she wanted us to grow. Matter fact she wanted to grow...and find someone who wasn't so much younger than her. Someone who was better than me. Someone she could love, settle down, and have kids with one day.

When ur in your mid 20's approaching thirty, thoughts like that will get to you.

I consoled and gave everything I could to this woman. Before I met I was even more naïve and hopeful than I am now and I think my innonence and perspective drew her in. We didn't need to talk all the time but we did need to talk, talk for quality time. I remember it all. And I was recall I just lay on this bed and cry, cry my motherfucking eyes out. I can't see the screen so I'm sorry for typos. But that's all I can do. Cause this situation is soooooo fucked up. So fucked up.

I found a way to sacrafice so much for her and she did the samefor me until she wasn't ready to sacrafice anymore. This is when she met... My replacement.

I don't care if she says she wants me now. She left me. SHE LEFT ME. Just like everybody else did. Cause I wasn't good enough. I wasn't a good enough friend, wasn't a good enough lover, wasn't a good enough boyfriend and son.

What more do people want from me. What more can I do. I give my life to these people. I do good for them and to them and all they do is try and find soemthing better.

I know this part will be random but I want to protect everyone of my siblings from this. I'm already ruined and fucked but them...there's still hope. You know my sister ashley is so smart and beautiful. She is so neat and loving and giving. She's always meant the world to me even if I treated her like shit cause I was the older brother. Victoria. I see myself in her but I need her to be better than me. I need my sister's to find what they love to do and make their dreams come true. I need that for them. And I know you won't be reading thi but I love you guys sooo much and whatever you're going through. I been there. I've seen it. And I just want you guys to be careful and know I'm your big brother, always will be and always have been. I'll never leave ur side like all of these other people. Never. I want us to be like three musketeers. I want us to make it. We deserve that.

Anyway, back to being in love. It's the hardest thing in the world. It makes me crazy and makes me wanna die. I'm in love with an older woman. I'm in love with someone who has deeply scarred me. Someone who is a liar. Someone who is hurt too but she had no right to hurt me and string me along in her sick puppet game. Not me. At my age, I swear I've done for her, what people my father's age couldn't.

Learning to pay bills, stocks, 401k's, living alone, moving, children, and etc are stuff that I WILL learn but you can't teach ambition, compassion, and love. And that's what I gave her. The little things. Everything I thought every girl wanted. Compliments. Hugs. Kisses. A shoulder. An ear. Flowers randomly. Someone to wake up next to. A doll. A massage. A non-judgemental mind. Someone who had goals and dreams. Someone who loved to learn. Someone who was horny and would find a way to fuck you right.

I'm not rich by any means but I am rich with knowledge and love and being naïve. That will eventually be downfall and today is my downfall. My truths. My vulnerability. My trust. My hope. All broken, shattered, forgeotten, and abused.

I'm not perfect and like people say no one is but I try my hardest. I swear to god on that. I swear I try to learn how to be the best person I can be. Hopefully when I die or when people speak of me now, that's the case because that's my goal. But people take advantage of that and there's the story.

The woman I love makes out with a man and sees me after. The guy she "claims" to love. The guy she said she WANTED to end up with but knew and found every answer in the book why we WOULDN'T be together. That's why she tried to "move on" but she's back...and for what, to take the broken pieces of my heart and shatter them in even smaller pieces. What does she want?
And why me? Why me! I keep asking why the fuck does it have to be me.

And I'll never get an answer. I've basically watched blindfoldedly the woman I love share and do and experience things with a guy, who knows about me but I don't know about him. A guy who has become my replacement regardless of what she says. She has done stuff with him, that she could never do with him and I am helpess/powerless to it ALL.

I just have love, desire, and pain. Pain is my best friend. Since I was ten. Pain has fueled me, in a positive way to everything.

I have loved this woman for 4 years of my life. 1/5 of the years I've been living on earth. Which is a pretty amazing feat in itself, especially knowing she was sucking, fucking and sleeping next to this "guy." This guy who is indeed better than me. Sleeping with him while my picture was on the wall. While the painting and the doll I gave her was in the room. While the shit I use to fix...was there too.

I keep telling her that I will never step foot into that place again. Ironically I can picture everything in the room/house. I can see it. Every moment I spent in it. Every second. I remember that and it was all wasted because I was never good enough.

She wanted more. She wanted him. And he has accomplished way more than what I've done. He is the epitome of better. Epitome, a word I took from her.

I just wanna wake up tomorrow healed. I can't believe all of this. All of this pain. All of this deciet. I don't wanna go anyway with her. I love her. I love her sooo much but I see why "love" isn't always good enough.

I may be talking in circles but everything is true. She told me. Everything they did, how they met...everything...I guess.

Once a liar/cheater, always a lying cheater?

I like to believe that's wrong. I see the good but with the way she hurt me can that ever be true. Honestly. Can it?

She left me once...who says it won't happen twice. Who says she love me until she 81.

My eyes are hurting from the crying. I have to go but I was ditched and humiliated. A puppet in this sick love play. She wanted me around while she fucked and introduced this guy to her friends, family, and they all loved him...she didn't "love him" but treated him that way.

It's so hard to do this but I'm falling asleep which is gunna be hard to contiously do. So till tomorrow because I will probably never get over this. The separation was necessary...but this is just too fucked up and dramatic. He was her everything and I was just another pawn in this sick chess game...

Night.