Sometimes I Wonder...

Hey yall,

Just finished my bball game. We lost 75-70. I kinda choked. 8 pts. When I was avg. 15. Missed 3 floaters, 5 layups and 3 three pointers. So I was 3/11, 2/2 for the free throwline. It was an epic game tho. Nothing I can be mad about. Played my heart out and brought the best out of my team...the way I use to.

I also got all my grades back, I wanna figure out the whole avg for the semester. I got an Aplus,Aminus, Bplus, B, and a C. Or in highschool terms...103, 93, 88, 85, and a 75. Definitely my best semester but still a little dissappointed. I really tried hard this semester. On time to class a lot (still late a lot tho), handing in work early, (a few stuff late still) but definitely worked hard. I thought I deserved an A- in classical cultures but I guess not...

Anyway, this entry is mainly about destiny or god or well a combination of a bunch of things. Have you ever heard the saying "god only gives you things you can handle" or stuff around that. Well I've been seeing that a lot lately and it reminds me of this movie, evan almhighty where morgan freeman or somebody said, would god give you strength or a situation where you could display you're strength. And I feel like this is somewhat true or maybe really true and if it is, indeed true, how do I overcome what's in front of me.

How do I go from being the 13/14 man on a team to being a good college player, someone who can play, cause I can play ball. I've done it, proved it, shown it. I'm not the greatest by any means but I'm a good player... And somewhere deep down I know this and so do other people, I know they do cause they've seen it too. But how do I accomplish that? How do I accomplish the impossible. This is my year. It's a year where things get proven. Can we win without rich... Can we win without 3 1,000scorers. With 3 new starters. Who's the bench gunna be. Etc. So many questions and truthfully my goal...is to be that 8th man. Who gets about 5-15mins a game. Who does what needs to be done. Brings energy. Brings fire. Defense. Spark. I can do that but how... With things in life...I have this mental block. This thing that stops me from being well great, and sometimes just good. And it's not just with music and writing, which I've heard I'm way better at...and will discuss in a minute about...but just this basketball shit. I feel like the time is NOW. THE MOTHERFUCKING TIME IS NOW. TIME to get a job and play ball. Maybe the reason I don't have a job is to focus on music and ball. Maybe god wants me to realize this. Maybe he wants me to work harder than I ever have in my life to let me know that my dreams can be achieved. That dreams can be reality....

Is this his grand plan to see me succeed? Has he shown me enough of my mistakes that this is...maybe my last opportunity to prove something to the world...musically. Family wise. Girlfriend wise (no I don't have one...yet), and basketball wise.

I've always prided myself on being different. On being self motivated. I've proved it. I've never reached the top. I've scratched the surface. And history has a funny way of repeating itself...in good ways... Not just bad. So am I feeling this way because it truly is time to do what no one I know, parent, grown up, friend, kids, everyone has everydone...succeed beyond what the mind can fathom...

I don't know where I get this deep feeling from but I just know great things can come but I have to grab it. Failing has taught me that. When I lost the division my senior year and basically threw away my seniorgame by having a 3minute lapse after killing I've learned. Life is a bitch but you gotta grab that bitch from behind and turn it around and kiss it. From kissing u can get head and fuck that bitch. Fuck her till you succeed.

When I lost that game my senior year...Þhat I remember like yesterday...everyone said it would be alright, I had bigger things coming for me. Never knew those big things could be at brooklyn college. Brooklyn college aka the new RFK for me. I had my first scout. Me, my first scout. No one told me I could do it. NO one said jonathan you know you could play college ball and be a good player and if u work hard a great fucking player. No one told me I could average 12 assists per game and win a psal award (that I thought I'd lost). Matter fact, not anybody believed me. And I have this fake cokiness or I did which made a dent but never a big difference. But I need confidence...confidence within. I need to make this happen. I hate talking. I love action. And this is something I need...

Do yall believe...
Regardless of my bitterness
Regardless of my lateness
My lies, my failures, my insecurities...do yall feel and see what I do?

Probably not and that's okay. Pressure makes a man. Well how you handle pressure makes you a man.

I know I've wrote a lot but there's a few more things to touch on that relate to this topic...

Father:
My father is anakin skywalker in my life. He did many of the same things but fucked up...he coulda been so much more and still can be. He may never be that famous dj but he can learn how to be...well a good father, a good husband, a hard worker and come to terms with my mom. I judge my mom a lot too. It's equally split in fault but something about my dad...for me...was always missing. Not going to games. Not doing enough with me. Not teaching me how to be a man. Manage money. Giving me taxes on time. just being a father.

When I was living with him for those last two years in highschool, my dad cried a few times...before that I had only seen him cry maybe once or twice. I vividly remember one time. And I knew that meant something. The fact that he had his son and his other children and he had a family. A fucked up one but still a family. And as a footnote, I accomplished evertything in hs while living under that roof...amazingly.

but anyway, my dad only has two children left. Two children I hope he doesn't fuck up as much as he did with me and my sisters. I hope JP is fucking amazing when he gets older... And I'm a help that motherfucker as much as I can. I know that, he probably doesn't even know that he has an older brother now but soon, he will. I promise that.and ava will have an older brother too.

Anyway, I've been realizing that it's time to be more of a man...to call my dad, my mom, talk to sam, and show my father what it means to be a man (and a father, one day). I gotta do what I've been afraid to do and fix MY family. And this all goes back to me feeling that I'm going to make it. In whatever I do but hopefully in music...again, it starts now.

Last thing:
Yesterday I saw my uncle, mike, for the first time. I just love that man. I don't look up to him like I use to, but that's my nigga. My uncle. My competition and my brother, who always seem to look out for me. It felt good to he there. And I talked to DV for a little while I was with him and I told him I smoked...well smoked for the occassion. Fuck it. I'm my own man, I should be able to decide when I can do certain things...and he said smh, enjoy. Made me kinda tight. I'm sure he just said it, like why me, why his little brother he usually does the right thing but truthfully, if he knows that or thought that, no need for the smh. It's just something that's been apart of me since 14. Anyway, I'm gunna see mike again tomorrow, and finish recording a song...which I was really self-concious about. Idk what it is but when I do music with mike, I get uncomfortable...well almost anybody I do but with him especially. I'm the little nigga and I'm not exactly "little" anymore so I feel like I gotta step up but again no confidence. So tomorrow, I gotta prove something...again and everyday.

Phew.
Sorry about all that. Just needed to get that off.
Hope everyone is good. Got an early workout in the A.M.
#letsmakeourdreamscometrue

Jam on it