NightMares

Good morning yall,

It's crazy how dreams feel so real huh? And how they effect you when you wake up. I was having a pretty good sleep but I guess my mind wasn't. I woke up almost in chills, in anger, and in need to clear the air in my mind. This is before I brush my teeth or do anything else...let's take it back to June 2008, day before graduation. Now I must just say that anytime I'm witnessing a goodbye, a moment of extreme sadness, I just kind of stay there stuck. Almost not realizing what's happening. That's what graduating felt like to me. 8 years in the same place, all these roller coaster emotions, good people, bad people, moments that helped define who I was were being left behind and I was in a daze. CrazY. Now that high school is further from my mind and I've grasped the concept of "never being able to go back" I'm much better than I was last year. Anyway, my story really begins the day BEFORE graduation...

When I find out I have a book owed to the school so I can't get my report card. My friend richie drove me to my house and I rang the doorbell several times with no answer.

Now before I continue I must say my mom was in town n had lived in NY for a couple months to cater to my sister who had moved to my old house in college point for "irreconcilable differences" lol or however the fuck you spell it. Given this, my dad/Sam CHANGED the locks to the house, giving NO ONE in the house keys EXCEPT themselves because my mom and my sister were SO crazy they could not be trusted...to possibly steal my key when I'm sleeping, go to my house,open the door, cause havoc, harm and steal the babies...now as you're reading this just shake your head and realize "manipulation" is the only word to describe what's happening. NOW back to the story...

So no one answered the door. I had took a key off my dad's computer desk, which was in my room, tested it out before, kept it in my wallet for emergencies like this. So I open the door, and guess who's at the stairs? Yup, my stepmother, who asks me "how did you get a key?" N I was stuck I wasn't gunna lie, fuck it, I had good reasoning. So I told her and all hell broke loose. She started screaming, throwing stuff, calling me names, all while she was reasonable enough to let me get my book at least. I grabbed my laptop n some other stuff while she continued to scream whatever she did. Scumbag, liar. Don't remember the words... I just remember her saying that, THAT house WAS "HER" house and being 18, knew I was graduating tomorrow, I finally talked back and said "FUCK YOU, this isn't your house, I live her. This is our house" and I walked out.

My dad was a diplomat. Still is. Trying to appease everyone BUT sometimes you simply can't. I had taken care of myself not too bad since my mom left, regardless of the roof I was under and to be honest...I don't need my dad taking care of me. He can't take care of himself or his wife, possibly the babies but that's all. So I told him I don't need you taking care of me. And from that moment on...I really have been taking care of a lot. (Now I'm going on several different tangents sorry). Same thing with my mom. And they don't really contact me, given I am in the wrong for not contacting either but in my opinion the parents are the ones who are suppose to make more effort. And I will try and always remember that when I become one.

Any who, later that night, my dad talked shit out...brought me up stairs, made me say sorry to Sam and Sam actually sad sorry back. But unlike movies there's no happy ending after that. Cause after that...it would flash to me being on stage, yup onstage performing a poem with my fellow friend Julian, a privilege RFK has never witnessed. A tribute to the teachers that helped form our lives,everyday for 4 years. Then you would see the after pictures and maybe my accomplishments would have been written before the credits. Lol. But life is nothing like that.

I went to bennihanas with my mom and went to work, on my graduation day. Probably should've called out for that. And crazy part is I went to zero graduation party's. Didn't have one at all. And I'm pretty sure did not get a graduation gift except for the camera my dad bought, that I used for a summer lol.

After that day though, most of that house's dramas were no longer mine. No longer a first hand experience. I had, what I thought was a wonderful girl and a couple good friends. Idk why I never went to my aunt's house like my sister. Instead I kind of hopped around places, lying about where I was staying. I ended up sleeping over this girls house n my friends house n both didn't work out. My friend let me stay for a bit and when he came back, he was a different person. He asked me to occupy his room for the 2 weeks he was gone cuz he didn't trust anyone else and we he got back it was kinda like "get the fuck out." Same thing with this girl, well kind of, she didn't want me sleeping next to her any more either. The last 2 people I trusted, to understand, just couldn't. So gradually and dramatically I left and went to my grandma's. To me this was a big deal.

I felt I couldn't trust anyone to understand me more than these 2 people and even they couldn't. It's not like I wasn't looking for a place in Brooklyn to move to. Wasn't like I tried to figure something out.But it is what it is. I understand people needing to put themselves first, cause of other changes but even till this day, I really wonder what hap pend. Who they are and why the change. Did 2 weeks REALLY change them so much, that everything else we did for each other didn't matter...

I felt alone and so much more. But I thank god my grandparents understood when they came back from D.R. N saw their grandson living there. They complain, make jokes, annoy me and it's all out of love. And it's crazy because everything in highschool that I accomplished came when I lived with my dad and my stepmom and that's where everything stays. The PSAL awards, the certificates, the college letters, all LOST in a house I truthfully don't ever wanna see again. It's not that I hate my stepmom for stuff she did and continues to do BUT it's the fact that place never really felt like home. It had it's moments but it was a failed experiment.

And I just wrote all that because looking back now, seeing how dramatic, unprepared, and immature I acted in situations I understand. I really thought I was going crazy but to me, it was traumatic, to the point of reaching an edge in depression...

Okay so the whole point of this entry is because I dreamed of being back in that house and my dad and my stepmom's brother, sitting back while she hit my little sister victoria. And once I heard it, in my dream I flipped. Calling both of them cowards. Saying I would fight both of them n my stepmother before they ever touched my sister again. As I was going to make my move...I woke up. Scared about what could be going on now.

I would never know the truth because I don't live there anymore. My dad is as shady as people like david reyes, david munoz, jason, people who I think lie to themselves sometimes. Cool people but just don't trust anyone. From my experiences that's how I feel. I should not shy away from breaking free of these words. N my little sister could easily be getting manipulated or staying shut for other reasons like wanting to protect my little brother n sister who I haven't seen in ever. Maybe I'll explain this to them when they're older so they can understand why I have so much disdain, I can't go see them.

It's hard because I wanna protect everybody. Give everyone a second chance. And I love people despite their major faults, flaws and actions. But how do you make the madness stop?

For me, I guess it is college and music plus hard work.

It's strange because this girl told me she was watching T.I.'S life story on television and asked me what mine would be. And I think I have, like everyone else does enough for people to understand. A story of just a regular teenager. I hope that is compelling enough for other people to relate and be inspired.

Alright this morning breathe is killing me.

You'll hear from me soon. Later.